I dont want my eldest anymore and I need help

[breakingpoint3222]

I have 2 children. The youngest is 4. My eldest is 6. My youngest is a boy. My eldest is a girl.

Im not going to drip feed. Im going to give as much information as possible.

My eldest I believe is on the spectrum. We have been to the gp. We are on a waiting list. We are on waiting lists for things that school offers. School have flagged she is about 9 months behind and she is going to struggle in year 3. She's currently in year 2 and goes 7 at the end of this month.
She is violent at home. She has beaten me many times. She throws things at me, hits me, bites me, pulls my hair. She does the same to her little brother who is absolutely petrified of her.
She has to be in charge. Its very much her way or no way.
She has no respect for any adult. She rolls her eyes, speaks to me like im stupid, screams at me and her brother.
She doesnt sleep. That is usually when the violence starts. She isnt sleeping until 1 or 2 am. Shes exhausted.
As she's screaming and hitting me my youngest is also not sleeping properly and as he's just started reception this is hard
I cant give him any one to one attention when she's here. She hates my attention being on anything but her. She will pull my hair and scream. She will hurt him

School is a massive issue. She hates school. School have flagged no issues except her learning is behind. She refuses to go. Screaming and crying. We are usually late which again impacts on my youngest.

I have no support. My ex husband left when the youngest was born and apart from maintenance is not involved. I have no family.
I dont want to do this anymore.

Sounds tough, i have no experience of this myself, but through work, i have supported a parent to complete a DLA form this morning.

She describes behaviours much the same, i saw evidence whilst I was with her.

She said her child has been prescribed melatonin, this has helped with the sleep, still not brilliant, but very much improved. She said she had sensory equipment from Cauldwell Children, who subsidised things she needed.

Play therapy helped with regulation of emotions, she's also had support from PEGS, who are a service supporting parents being abused by their children, they've helped with coping techniques.

None of these may be an answer for you, but thought I would share for you to consider.

Sendiass helped us so much

@breakingpoint3222 Yes, we found the ‘traditional’ parenting approaches around discipline etc, just make things worse. One thing I did with one of mine, age around 6, was to make sure that I said 5 positive things to them every day. A lot of the time I had to really stretch the truth, or think back to something good they had done in the past, but it really seemed to make a difference. Sometimes I would say things like “I thought you were so good to your brother when you let him try xyz first”. Or “i really love spending time with you when we do abc”. Sometimes it involves white lies - but it can really help. At the same time, I also enrolled the older sibling to say 5 nice things to them, and used to remind him by showing him 5 fingers, discreetly. I think these positive affirmations from his sibling really helped my (then) 6 year old. We also found 1-1 days really really helpful, to sort of re-set things… we would let the 6 yr old choose where they wanted to go (maybe out of a choice of a few things), they could choose where we are, and they could choose a small souvenir for themselves and their sibling from the gift shop at the end. This made a massive difference for us (especially if we were saying positive things as well). I read somewhere that people with adhd spend most of their time being told off or criticised and it must have a real impact - so turning that on its head may help a bit.

I know this all probably sounds impossible for you at the moment. But melatonin for sleep, then find a good babysitter (maybe they would need to come for a couple of hours a week, just to spend time with the dc and play with them (individually - maybe even just for your dd), so they get used to her, when you are around, and it becomes a treat to have her around. Then ease towards doing 1-1 time with both, separately. And get referrals for autism and adhd asap.

Can you get your son into after-school club for a day or two a week, or ask his friends’ mums if they can help out, by having him over for play dates, to ease pressure on you a bit?

I would call Social services yourself.

This sounds very complex and challenging and most certainly not sustainable.

You both clearly need help and I would guess that your daughter is ND and also probably feeling that you and her brother were responsible for her dad leaving and taking out that anger on you.

I wouldn’t advocate hitting her but I would get a door and I would lock her in her room if she hurts her brother. I’d get a strong door that she just cannot kick in. Some of the language she is using is quite frightening

God op this is just so much, you're holding so, so much. It's hard enough being a lone parent but trying to support a child with such complex behaviour plus be there for another child and keep everyone safe is more than a one woman job. And it's a lot of pressure for you to be the one cog that keeps everything turning which you are. You are amazing and you are doing incredibly even though it probably doesn't feel like enough right now.

I think you need to refer yourself to gateway to social services. You need some respite, some support with keeping things together and also help pushing through the waiting lists you're on as things are at crisis point.

I know that can feel daunting but if you are asking for help that will be looked at as a really positive, protective move in a really difficult situation and I think anyone would have huge empathy for what you're holding right now.

Also just to say op, you are not alone though I know it probably really feels that way right now. There's not enough support for families who are on waiting lists like your family are. Are there any support groups near you for parents of children with autism that you could link in with?

I really wish I had a better solution op but I just want to say I see you and you deserve to ask for help. You deserve a support network and you deserve respite.

Your son feels the way he feels at home, because of the circumstances not because of any lack of love or care from you as his mummy. It really does sound like you do your utmost to make sure he's seen in the middle of everything else and op - I have no doubt that he knows that.

Also - can't recommend keeping a diary enough for showing relevant professionals exactly what you are going through. It will also help to see triggers or reasons leading up to breakdowns or meltdowns that you don't see in the moment. AS well as allowing you to see if things have got worse, or even improved over time when you look back at it.

If you are anywhere near bolton i can give the names of some special needs charities that offer days out/ activities etc.

OP I've read your posts, I'm so sorry. I can imagine how hard it is. I agree with PPs, phone SS as you've a duty to keep your youngest safe. She's only going to get bigger and stronger. Hopefully, they can help you before she hits puberty.

Have you told school exactly what you are having to deal with at home? If you can, keep a diary. What she's eaten, how she's behaved, how long she's slept. You can give it to the GP/SS/Camhs.

So how would you describe it ? Are they in some sort of trance. They are conscious. So must be aware.

I am just shaking my head, along with every other SEN parent on this thread.

GP.
School. EHCP
Social services- request family help / social worker
Apply for DLA- use for some respite care
Local authority may run parent courses. Don't dismiss them, the one I did was excellent

Hope things improve for you.

So sorry OP, it sounds so difficult for you. As you are in the Mamchester area there is a facebook support group for parents of children with PDA. You can also refer yourself to social services for an early help assessment.

www.facebook.com/GMcrPDA/

@breakingpoint3222That sounds very tough and soul destroying. I have no advice other than what’s been suggested in regards to referrals and GP visit. The partner leaving and the baby brother arriving appears to have been difficult for your daughter to navigate. Is there a reason dad isn’t involved? Could he be? Could he lighten the load? (Sorry if you’ve already covered this) Whatever happens you definitely need some form of respite, you both do ❤️

Op you need to make a dla claim and get some money to pay for respite care

you need school to make her day less exhausting and support her more

you need CAMHS to diagnose whatever is goi g on and refer you to occupational therapy

you need the carers centre or equivalent to support you

you need access to any help available through local authority or local charities.

there is help out there you just need to find it. Go to your local volunteer centre or the local authority one stop point for signposting. Help is there you need to ask and find it. Good luck

I know peoole are trying to be helpful
By suggesting Respite but realistically
The Op isnt going to be offered much if any respite there just isnt the resources .

Are you serious?

Autism is a neurodevelopment condition. Do you not know what that means? The fact that autistic people are conscious doesn't make them any less disabled.

I wouldn't judge a parent who said they couldn't cope with this. Can you call social services on yourself? A foster family would receive so much more support, practically and financially to deal with her needs.

Your son is not safe at home.

You can get lockable safe beds for autistic kids. I've seen them but I imagine they are bonkers money. But you can build something yourself that does the same job.

She needs to be in a safe space when you're not there to supervise her, like a big playpen, no one says it's cruel to put a 1 year old in a playpen while you cook or pee. It's not cruel to put her in one, it just needs to be taller.

People would be aghast but dog stuff is great, we have a pawhut pen in our living room, I can nearly stand up in it. You could paint it pink, put a nice soft chair in there, dolls , soft toys, things she can't hurt herself with, or throw. I'd say add fairy lights but they can be dangerous. She can still see everyone and the TV. You'd need to screw it to the wall so she doesn't topple it. You could use some thin plywood on the walls that touch your wall and make her solid walls inside that you can decorate with wallpaper she'd like or a sensory board. So it is a nice welcoming space, that is safe.

For most kids it would seem cruel or unusual. But some kids genuinely cannot safely be left unsupervised for any amount of time unless in a dedicated safe space. That's just the reality of keeping those children safe.

OP will have to fight and it won’t be quick or easy, but it is possible to secure support from children’s services.

Saving the thread because I’ve been there and want to comment when my kids aren’t around

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I'm in Bolton, I cant drive atm, but if you want to meet up in a park/soft play etc in Bolton for a coffee etc then let me know, with the children. My little boy is young but could play with your little boy. Just company. Feel free to message me.

Is there any time she is happy? Sounds like neither you or her are happy at the moment. Seems like the trauma of losing her dad at the same time as gaining a little brother who would have got your attention may be behind her unhappiness? As well as being undiagnosed neurodivergent.
You say you don’t want her do you think she might be picking up on not feeling loved.?

Got to laugh at the people saying she needs a "wallop" - yes lets teach a kid who is struggling to regulate their behaviour and is violent to stop by using violence! Please ignore this advice!
I was told many times my daughter needed a good smack etc and thankfully I didn't listen. Beating kids into submission is not the answer for any kids, especially if they are ND or PDA!

I mentioned before in response to another post that I did believe violent autistic children were actually aware they were being so. Just that they were not in control. As someone seemed to be saying they were not even aware they were being violent. I thought they were.

Theres a local charity I know who do micro breaks of 2 hours, as a single mum with no support that's long enough to eat food and grab a shower.

Respite might be overnights from children's service but there's other options out there that can be long enough to feel human again

That's why I asked whereabouts in manc the op is

I’m so sorry, this sounds really hard. But look how lovely this thread is - support does exist, both formally and informally. There are so many parents going through this. You are not alone, and there are ways of working with these children that can make life easier for you and them.

Speak to the school today and say you need to talk to social services. Please do not be afraid of this - look at it this way: when your child gets a diagnosis children’s services will often make contact as a matter of course just to signpost what help is needed. They are there to support you, not to demonise.