I dont want my eldest anymore and I need help

[breakingpoint3222]

I have 2 children. The youngest is 4. My eldest is 6. My youngest is a boy. My eldest is a girl.

Im not going to drip feed. Im going to give as much information as possible.

My eldest I believe is on the spectrum. We have been to the gp. We are on a waiting list. We are on waiting lists for things that school offers. School have flagged she is about 9 months behind and she is going to struggle in year 3. She's currently in year 2 and goes 7 at the end of this month.
She is violent at home. She has beaten me many times. She throws things at me, hits me, bites me, pulls my hair. She does the same to her little brother who is absolutely petrified of her.
She has to be in charge. Its very much her way or no way.
She has no respect for any adult. She rolls her eyes, speaks to me like im stupid, screams at me and her brother.
She doesnt sleep. That is usually when the violence starts. She isnt sleeping until 1 or 2 am. Shes exhausted.
As she's screaming and hitting me my youngest is also not sleeping properly and as he's just started reception this is hard
I cant give him any one to one attention when she's here. She hates my attention being on anything but her. She will pull my hair and scream. She will hurt him

School is a massive issue. She hates school. School have flagged no issues except her learning is behind. She refuses to go. Screaming and crying. We are usually late which again impacts on my youngest.

I have no support. My ex husband left when the youngest was born and apart from maintenance is not involved. I have no family.
I dont want to do this anymore.

But who would do the removing ? Empathy is not the issue - it's whether Social Work departments as they currently are could or would do anything. As things currently are, there is no quick or easy answers - only many years of long long long work with the fragile overstretched services. Giving well intentioned but misleading advice that children can be placed in care on the parents' wishes is not empathetic. If anyone tries to follow it the only thing that will happen quickly is the realisation that social services in real life are different to the ones in novels and films.

I know empathy isn't the issue, but nor is this a case of just giving up a child on a wish. This is an urgently dangerous situation for the younger child (and OP) to be in.

I know there are no quick, easy, or good solutions here. I know that refusing to collect a child from school and asking them to hand her to social services is very far from ideal. I know it would be unbelievably upsetting for the daughter. I also know that is the only way to force social services to find emergency agency care for the child - the same way they would have to if OP was in hospital (which she may well be if her daughter succeeds in taking her eye out or similar) or worse - and to force them to start to act.

Simply going along with it and doing nothing because services are stretched isn't, in my personal opinion, an option. The worst case scenario is that DD succeeds in seriously injuring OP, or disabling her, or killing her or the younger child (this isn't dramatic - it is not beyond the realms of possibility for a 6 year old to push someone down the stairs, to say nothing of how much stronger she'll get as she grows) and then everyone is much, much worse off than they would be if OP didn't collect the child from school one day and refused to have her.

It's a lot better to be realistic.

You don't need much knowledge of SEND to know that parents ARE left in situations like that all the time. Especially single mums.

I agree but refusing to collect from school will not bring forth an emergency placement . It does not matter how upsetting it is or isn't, it will not achieve anything. The OP will have to seek help through channels that do exist such as engaging with the school. Maybe an after school club could give some respite ? I work with families in crisis with teenagers who lash out due to their mental disability. There often are younger siblings at risk in such cases, Social Work advice is to call Police if there is an imminent threat of injury. The incident will be logged with Social Work and will be on record as part of a wider case. But out of home placements remain extremely scarce unfortunately. A and E incidents are common in such families but again I have not seen one trigger an immediate response of the kind suggested here. It will form part of a wider argument to get an out of home placement. My heart always sinks when a family tells me that they can't go on and will have to put x in care as I know it won't happen that easily. It's heartbreaking and it can stop me sleeping at night but I just can't refer them to help in the way suggested by some posters. There is no 'forcing to act' ....

You can't just abandon a child. Having parental responsibility isn't something you can just walk away from. It is a complex area but parents who leave a 6 year old child at the doors of social services could be in trouble

https://www.google.com/search?ie=UTF-8&client=ms-android-samsung-rvo1&source=android-browser&q=abandoning+a+child+uk#lfId=ChxjMe

I actually know an adopter who basically did this with an older teenager who was completely out of control. He was accommodated by social services byt they charged the parents for the cost of the foster care!

You have no idea wether she will be agressive as she gets older plus as she grows so will her brother there is only two years between them
I hknow how hard it is and i also know how little help there is out there even when all the right people are involved
It really doesnt help the Op to have well meanining posters offer unrealistic advice
Its just cruel

So what's your suggestion then, are you offering?

Wow! In fact, up thread I have given lots of suggestions.

In reality there is not a lot that can be offered
Thats juat fact
It doesnt make it right but being realistic doesnt mean people dont care .

No answers here OP but keeping you in my thoughts. It's a nightmare situation.

Words are cheap

There is, in the world a SEN boy who is kept in isolation, because he is so violent he just doesn't stop hitting. Not ever.

Telling a parent who is being battered that they can't do something and offering no answers is low.. just don't bother. Unless you're offering to go and pick that child up and making them your problem.

But people should bother providing false hope and suggest unrealistic things that are simply never going to happen without at least years and years of fighting first?

Some people on this thread know all too well because it is also their life, including having a violent child.

Indeeed words are cheap so posters who have just drempt up services that dont exist need to back off because its not helpful and ultimatley cruel .

I think the op isn't returning to thread. Hopefully op might come to the sen boards at a later date 💐

There are no answers or solutions though.

I have a violent DS with autism and ADHD, and am black and blue very frequently. The only thing on offer is a kind of “safe handling” class for parents of disregulated autistic children, so we can bring them back to earth orbit without lamping anyone (or getting lamped).

If I had a choice, I wouldn’t look after children like DS for NMW so why would I expect anyone else to?

And??

End of the day this child for whatever reason is horrible and violent and her family want to walk away and I dont blame them.

People keep saying parents cant just walk away but the dad has. So mum can too surely?

OP I've read through your updates . I don't have any advice but I hope you have been able to get some help.

An incredibly tough situation and it sounds like you are doing so well especially with looking after your little boy too

I think you are talking out of your ass. I never said going on a 2 week low histamine diet would cure anything - I said she would know in two weeks if low histamine helps. I got that info from both my daughters neuro-gastro and her registered dietician - both medical professionals paid for by our health insurance after my daughter's blood test came back saying she had an issue with histamine. And its well known slow cookers cause an increase in the histamine in food because the whole point of a slow cooker is to cook things slowly and this is what increases the histamine. For example, people with histamine issues are told not to eat bone broth but instead eat meat broth. Besides, regardless of what I say - the op is no doubt going to do some research of her own she is just looking for ideas and this is my idea.