I dont want my eldest anymore and I need help

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I have 2 children. The youngest is 4. My eldest is 6. My youngest is a boy. My eldest is a girl.

Im not going to drip feed. Im going to give as much information as possible.

My eldest I believe is on the spectrum. We have been to the gp. We are on a waiting list. We are on waiting lists for things that school offers. School have flagged she is about 9 months behind and she is going to struggle in year 3. She's currently in year 2 and goes 7 at the end of this month.
She is violent at home. She has beaten me many times. She throws things at me, hits me, bites me, pulls my hair. She does the same to her little brother who is absolutely petrified of her.
She has to be in charge. Its very much her way or no way.
She has no respect for any adult. She rolls her eyes, speaks to me like im stupid, screams at me and her brother.
She doesnt sleep. That is usually when the violence starts. She isnt sleeping until 1 or 2 am. Shes exhausted.
As she's screaming and hitting me my youngest is also not sleeping properly and as he's just started reception this is hard
I cant give him any one to one attention when she's here. She hates my attention being on anything but her. She will pull my hair and scream. She will hurt him

School is a massive issue. She hates school. School have flagged no issues except her learning is behind. She refuses to go. Screaming and crying. We are usually late which again impacts on my youngest.

I have no support. My ex husband left when the youngest was born and apart from maintenance is not involved. I have no family.
I dont want to do this anymore.

I’m afraid I don’t have any words of wisdom but just wanted to say I really feel for you and that you sound like a great mum. I would speak to your GP again and tell them exactly how you’re feeling.
Sending a virtual hug

This sounds like PDA - A pathological demand avoidance profile attached to autism. The NEED for CONTROL and AUTONOMY will dominate every single thing she does. I have a son with this diagnosis ( unfortunately I had to pay in the end for a wonderful assessor). That cost about £2000. The NHS blocked my request and I gave up. But now, having no money, I'd fight the GP in hindsight to get access to an assessment without paying all this. They are notorious for gaslighting mums, fobbing you off. The right to choose I understand is the pathway. This request should go in writing to the GP surgery. I believe the diagnosis is essential no matter what school or anyone will tell you. I am far down this road and you will be gaslit beyond your imagination. I have had challenges with the father/ ex also denying the reality that our child could be Autistic. You could end up dealing with that too. The diagnosis is very important.

The diagnosis imo in my child's case has helped secure the EHCP we now have pretty quickly in mainstream school. That should take some stress away. She'll be having an horrendous time trying to conform in school so will explode at home on you. School MUST accommodate her differences. They'll say you don't need a diagnosis bla bla. It's in best interests you do.

For now in the short term here's what usually helps -

I. Give her as much control as possible. Drop things like wearing pyjamas etc. What does she want to wear to bed. Well let her wear it and resist that feeling you must insist she wears what you decide.

Teeth brushing. Ask her 'you brushing tonight? Or is it a double Special brush tomorrow morning' you choose.

Shower/ bath - drop them every day. Negotiate with her, every other days fine. When it's all too much, let it go and give her wipes or something.

You have to drop all the things we think we need to make our kids do. They aren't that important but it's hard to do this. We fear it's going to corrupt children of we don't make them west their pyjamas etc etc but that's all bullshit.

Give her the TV and IPad when you need a break and accept the priority is YOU always.

Ask to meet with the school SENCO. You write to school and you say ' I believe with certainty my daughter is neuro divergent. Id like to meet to talk about a SEN plan in school which outlines all support / accommodations to reduce stress and demands on school. I would value the school supporting my request that my daughter is assessed for Autism and ADHD. ( The local authority usually commission an independent organisation to do these assessments). A GP cannot decide or tell you that your child is not ND btw.

Is there any person who can look after her and give you a break? Can you afford to pay someone? You need space and a break urgently because this situation is one of the most unimaginable difficult situations in parenting imo.

Your other option is calling social services and getting them involved to help you. To push through on an assessment, to support an EHCP.

Ask me any other questions if it helps.

The priority above everything here is YOU. Your well being and health. You have to get a bloody break. Is the ex able to give you a break. And I understand any fears that he won't be able to cope with her - but you must have a day off, a night off to cope with all this. ❤️

Well first up you need to ring social services and make a safeguarding report on behalf of your younger child as he isn't safe in his home. And then make one on behalf of yourself because you are also experiencing violence in your home and you need it on record. You need to explicitly tell them that due to your eldest childa violence you are not currently able to keep your younger child safe from harm from her and you need help

She might be using the TV to regulate, if she is on the spectrum. My nephew watches a lot of tv but it helps regulate his sensory disorder, and calms him down. It is difficult to switch it off, but I can understand why it is important to him. I can see him relax and his breathing slows down when he watching tv.

Oh, OP, sending you the biggest hug. Please do not feel guilty for a single second about your title. You are chronically sleep-deprived, totally isolated, and being physically abused in your own home. Anyone would be at breaking point. You are in survival mode.

Yup, agree with this post, I think it's a section 17 crisis assessment? Do not be afraid of them; tell them clearly that you are a single parent at an immediate breaking point, your 4-year-old is terrified and unsafe.

You cannot do this alone anymore. Please reach out to the duty social worker today.

Please, please don't ban her from the park. My son is similar to your DD and for kids like this outdoor time is an essential requirement. When we get time to burn off all that energy in the evening his next day at school almost always improves x

I woukd request a metting with the school senco and outine your concerns and ask to be referred to early help
Realisticslly you are not goung to be offerrd much in the way of respite at leat not in the short term
You may be offered the oppertunity for various courses
Also look on your LA website for the " local offer'
They should list whats available in your area for special needs.

Also op look into PDA she sounds very much like she fits the profile x

Neurodivergent children are really bloody hard work.

actually neurodivergent adults are hard work - looking at you DH! 👀

this is just my experience but I’ve found you do have to be much firmer in your approach to them. My son has adhd and is on the pathway for an autism and sensory processing assessment and he takes up so much of my time, but he doesn’t get away with any naughty behaviour. They’re consequences for bad behaviour, he’s not allowed to use adhd etc as an excuse.

its very difficult as the consequences can affect the younger child, it’s worrying that your younger child is petrified of her, that will have a very serious psychological affect on him as he grows as his safe home space is fearful for him.

i know this isn’t a popular strategy but i do find that it can dramatically reduce the hitting, but what happens if she hits and gets it back?

I find the ones that get slapped back either by the adult they hit or the child they hit, tend to less likely do it as they know how it feels and it hurts.

my son came home not that long ago and complained that a boy at school smacks his mum and gets away with it and why couldn’t he smack me?

I asked would he liked to try that and see what happens?

errr no thanks, I’ll pass was his response! We both laughed!

Look into Sen friendly activities ,,feel for you so much o e been at the end of my tether on numerous occasions

Ex is nowhere to be seen and found except for the 350 in my account on the 1st each month.
She got to school on time this morning. But she pulled my hair on the drive so that was dangerous. Ive had to move my youngest into the front because she pinches him and nips him all the way to school. She kicks off that shes not in the front but she kept playing with the gear and the mirror and honestly it wasn't safe
So she screams the whole way to school. Ive tried moving her seat behind the front passenger seat but she tries to grab him instead. We cannot walk to school. We live a 6 minute walk but it's more like an hour.

She told me this morning she would smash a glass and stab me while I slept. Where has that come from? I do have tv time but we watch disney films and bluey and im not afraid to be corrected but I dont recall any stabbing scenes in lion king.
She has no tablet or phone
I cook from scratch. I work 3 days a week from home. I have no family. Any friends I had have drifted away. Especially the ones with kids. And I cant blame them when their son or daughter is crying because mines hurt them
And she lies about it. Last week she bit my youngest on his face. In the 20 seconds I had a wee. And even now she says he did it to himself. How? How can someone bite themselves on the face?
I've had enough.

I agree with PPs about accessing the right to choose pathway and also about trying melatonin.

When did you first see this behaviour in your DD? Would you say that you bonded closely with her as an infant? She seems very sensitive to certain triggers (tiredness, certain food, etc.). Have you noticed any other triggers?

It sounds like a very difficult situation. Sending you virtual strength.

At the very least you need to find a doctor who will prescribe something to assist your child to sleep.
You need to communicate the seriousness of your feelings to your GP.
It is unfair that lack of sleep is having such ramifications through out your whole family.
I can see why you want out.

Apply for respite with Foster Carers too.
Your situation is not sustainable.

I'm so sorry, I feel for you so much after you saying you don't want to do this anymore as being a mother is so so hard! But I'm sure you're amazing and doing a great job. Please don't forget your children need you, even though it feels like they don't want you. Whilst I don't know what to say or how to help, can you ask ChatGPT (there is a free version) for different methods it can suggest to get your daughter to listen, calm/regulate herself or perhaps things you can do? Sorry, don't mean to teach you how to suck eggs, but I'm just thinking if I were in your situation and the GP wasn't helpful, I would ask ChatGPT and then try what it suggests.
As for the schooling, if your daughter turns 7 at the end of the month and 9 months behind, personally I don't see this as an issue as 9 months behind if still year 2? My daughter is year 1 and behind a lot, but every is different with how quick they pick things up, or are her school saying it's a big issue?
Edited to say: I agree with someone else's suggestion on melatonin, definitely explore this and see if you can get some. x

Why does he have to lose screen time because she is losing hers? She needs to be sent to her bedroom or the kitchen while he has his screen time if she has lost hers.
Thats a weak excuse for not imposing this consequence

I’m wondering if this is in part a reaction/ trauma to her father abandoning her and feelings of not being good enough/ being bad, she’s probably angry.
Play therapy / counselling might be a good idea…..

Can't get melatonin till you have e DX ,,although if you push hard enough I believe they will make exceptions,,although they hasn'tade a massive difference to my child anyway ,ask to sleep clinic referral at GP op ,it's a case of shouting really loudly and frequently to get appropriate support with Sen kids ATM unfortunately

I agree with this.

Yes she does
But I know of families who are waiting for school to gather evidence for EHCP ..and they have been waiting 3 years so far ,and school say ,we are gathering evidence..it's just an excuse to not do it ..it's a lot of work for a senco , especially when in primary school the senco is often a normal teacher with a full time teaching job .
So my point was ..you don't have to wait for the school ..as a lot of schools don't have the time needed for these applications

She was a normal baby. Even now I stand by she was the easiest baby out of my 2. When she got to about 3 I noticed a change in her temper but I put it down to just being 3. The hitting started then but again I put it down to 3 and having a new brother. Her dad left when my youngest was about 9 weeks old. Same dad to both. He said he couldn't do it and for all intents vanished.
She went to nursery from 2. Nursery had no issues. Said she was fine. Lovely little girl. School is hard. I cant home school her. Firstly I need the break. I cant. Secondly I work from home while they are at school. I cant even wee never mind work when shes here. And thirdly the days I've genuinely kept her off because im worn down she doesn't want to learn. She has zero interest In learning. It takes nearly 2 hours to read a single book. And she does know it. She just doesn't want to.

My little boy needs his childhood and so does she. And I dont know how to do this

I think the op is absolutely grinded down, she probably feels like she hasn’t got any fight left in her, she isn’t weak she’s got nothing left in her.

i ve just read your update op and this is a very dangerous situation regarding the car.

i would be reporting to social services today. Something need to be done now, not years away when a referral finally comes through

She wont stay in her room. No chance. She doesn't have a bedroom door currently because she kicked it open the last time I dragged her upstairs. And dragged is the word. We have one tv in a small 3 bedroomed house. If the tv goes off my son also loses it. I tried to give him my phone once in exchange and she snatched it off him and smashed it against the wall.

this is an excellent point! Especially as he's just left and doesn't see them or talk to them anymore, definitely traumatic for any child.

All this is information that school and social services need ..and your doctor and CAMHS .
She clearly needs a special school with transport to safely get her there .
Contact social services today ,ask for help .your going to have to push for help .