I dont want my eldest anymore and I need help

[breakingpoint3222]

I have 2 children. The youngest is 4. My eldest is 6. My youngest is a boy. My eldest is a girl.

Im not going to drip feed. Im going to give as much information as possible.

My eldest I believe is on the spectrum. We have been to the gp. We are on a waiting list. We are on waiting lists for things that school offers. School have flagged she is about 9 months behind and she is going to struggle in year 3. She's currently in year 2 and goes 7 at the end of this month.
She is violent at home. She has beaten me many times. She throws things at me, hits me, bites me, pulls my hair. She does the same to her little brother who is absolutely petrified of her.
She has to be in charge. Its very much her way or no way.
She has no respect for any adult. She rolls her eyes, speaks to me like im stupid, screams at me and her brother.
She doesnt sleep. That is usually when the violence starts. She isnt sleeping until 1 or 2 am. Shes exhausted.
As she's screaming and hitting me my youngest is also not sleeping properly and as he's just started reception this is hard
I cant give him any one to one attention when she's here. She hates my attention being on anything but her. She will pull my hair and scream. She will hurt him

School is a massive issue. She hates school. School have flagged no issues except her learning is behind. She refuses to go. Screaming and crying. We are usually late which again impacts on my youngest.

I have no support. My ex husband left when the youngest was born and apart from maintenance is not involved. I have no family.
I dont want to do this anymore.

Even if the social worker who visits the family is sympathetic, they have to build a case to present to their manager - and for a case involving such a rare and expensive option as out of home care, probably Head of Social Work will have to sign it off. In today's climate, you need a huge body of evidence dating back years from many agencies to support the case. It really does not work the way some people think or hope - that you reach out and someone answers...To be fair out of home care is now extremely expensive ( and this needs to be looked at if any progress is to be made) and Social Work is just not able to provide places even in the most desperate of circumstances.

The thing is @HappyAmberTurtle that we in the UK had a significant financial crisis and then were battered by BREXIT (as well as the pandemic and Trump and Putin's actions that have affected everywhere). We have had 15 years of austerity cutbacks and services are not there. For instance we have record waiting lists for the National Health Service and real terms funding cuts per child in education going back 15 years now.

No-one is being sent on a camp! Which I doubt UK safeguarding rules would even allow.

My (well regarded, strong on SEND) school does send a few students to Jamie's Farm for a week each year, however.

Jamie's Farm - Equipping young people to thrive - Home https://jamiesfarm.org.uke

I currently have a child on my caseload who shows similar behaviour to the DD in this post and for whom foster care has actually been agreed but the child isn't in foster care because nobody will have them. We have asked for agreement for a children home and the answer from the AD of children's services (you are right that the head has to approve those) is no.

Yes Services that cherry pick the easy ones is very common problem when looking for placements for prickly pears. Foster care was never seen as an option for my son as there was general agreement that this would not be appropriate for him due to his high level of need. Services that may be able to cope are expensive and very very hard to find. It's not helping the OP to suggest there is an easy route to respite or care.

If you were a foster carer which child would you choose? The one who is likely to assault you or the one that isn't?
10-15 years ago we had access to more foster carers than we have now. It's not about cherry picking, there just aren't enough.

Yes I completely agree but it's not just foster care - community services for autism are also reluctant to take anyone with challenging behaviour. It's not all gloom and doom though - my son has a fantastic service now and is very settled and happy in his older years. It takes a lot of input though and it's expensive. It's frustrating for eveyone when people say 'oh just phone for help'

Yes i agree my son is 16 now and we do have a package of respite including 4 over nights a month but it took years
And of course he will be transferring to adult services in a couple of years so will have to do it all again.

My son is in supported living now which can finally give him the set routine and predictability he really needs. People keep saying routine is important for autistic people but the chaotic world of school/home/patchy services makes this very difficult to achieve in practice.

Oh @breakingpoint3222my heart really is going out to you. You’re trying so hard and yet banging your head against a brick wall doing so.
I really hope the school listened to you today and will support you more

It took me 3 years approximately to get help (and nearly of it, I paid for). Then another 2 years to get the EHCP in place (two tribunals, represented myself). So approximately from age 6 to age 11. Things are okish now at 13. I was lucky in the primary and work colleagues in two schools have been brilliant, and our GP.

Thinking of you today OP. And I hope you all get the in real life support you desperately need!

Wow! I have so much respect for you, OP! You are handling this situation like a responsible and loving parent.
I was a handful when I was a child and my parents decided to give me away as they didn’t want to deal with the situation. I wasn’t doing half of the things your daughter is doing to you but I was let’s call it difficult and plus they never wanted a daughter, they wanted a son.
The damage being given away by my parents has done to me cannot be put into words. It took me 40 years to sort of get over it but it will never go away completely.
I hope you manage to get help and be happy with both your children.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5493437-sen-parents-support-group-thread-1

@breakingpoint3222 op you might find this thread a nice supportive group, I've posted there before, but not for a while x

I think the most realistic option for short term respite is applying for DLA and paying for a personal assistant or nanny type person to take the child out or mind the child so op can take her son out. £500 a month would pay for a good few half days or evenings or a weekend or something

She wouldnt necssarily get £500 / month
There are three different levels of care and two different levels of mobility
Also the Op needs evidence from professionals for DLA.

The issue with this is the shortages of people willing to do it or that people don't tend to last long doing it because they don't want to be punched or bitten.

DLA can also take a very long time to go through, it was 5 months in our case though I do believe waiting times have improved since. There's also no guarantees that OP would receive the highest rates which would then likely mean respite would be unaffordable or that OP would receive it without having to go through mandatory reconsideration and tribunal which would then take even more time.

OP should absolutely apply for DLA but the realistic picture is that OP would need medical evidence from professionals, it is a long and frustrating process and may not even result in any respite care.

I was hoping the OP would be back to let us know how her school visit went. Hope she's ok.

OP should definitely apply for DLA, but £500 (and if awarded DLA may be more or less than that) won’t go as far as you think for funding support.

Op you don't need to hide anything from anyone ,,you need support and does your little girl ♥️♥️♥️. I so hope you get some support and help that you and your little family deserve .

Op hope you’re ok and school have started balls rolling.

Thinking of you, OP. Hope today was ok

Mine too. It never ends.

I guess you have your reasons for nor returning here, OP, Whatever happened yesterday, I hope you got some support and are feeling helped and understood.

We had a really bad day yesterday. We didn't get to school until 1 pm. She spat at me, kicked me, punched me. I think my fingers broken, she wanted the car keys because she didn't want me to speak to school and so pulled my finger to get the keys. She has painting on a friday afternoon and when she realised she might be missing that we had a massive turn and became anxious about missing school.
School were useless. The SENCO was too busy and she asked me to make an appointment on Monday morning which i did and I have a gp appointment on Monday afternoon which is about her but I wont be taking her.
Last night was really hard. I had to go to the toilet. And I took my son with me..she was very on edge. I could tell. She followed us upstairs and kicked him and me and threatened to throw him down the stairs. Its the weekend now and I have no idea what to do. He has a party to go to. This is again a source of tension because she doesn't have a party invite and in her eyes everything should be fair so it's not fair that he gets to go so I shouldn't let him. He is going. Thankfully someone is collecting him.
Ive asked what she wants to do today, just us 2 and she threw a fork at me. So nothing I guess

This is way beyond my experience, but what I would suggest you do is keep a diary so you can show what's happening and hand it over. They can't fob you off in the same way if it is in writing.