I dont want my eldest anymore and I need help

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I have 2 children. The youngest is 4. My eldest is 6. My youngest is a boy. My eldest is a girl.

Im not going to drip feed. Im going to give as much information as possible.

My eldest I believe is on the spectrum. We have been to the gp. We are on a waiting list. We are on waiting lists for things that school offers. School have flagged she is about 9 months behind and she is going to struggle in year 3. She's currently in year 2 and goes 7 at the end of this month.
She is violent at home. She has beaten me many times. She throws things at me, hits me, bites me, pulls my hair. She does the same to her little brother who is absolutely petrified of her.
She has to be in charge. Its very much her way or no way.
She has no respect for any adult. She rolls her eyes, speaks to me like im stupid, screams at me and her brother.
She doesnt sleep. That is usually when the violence starts. She isnt sleeping until 1 or 2 am. Shes exhausted.
As she's screaming and hitting me my youngest is also not sleeping properly and as he's just started reception this is hard
I cant give him any one to one attention when she's here. She hates my attention being on anything but her. She will pull my hair and scream. She will hurt him

School is a massive issue. She hates school. School have flagged no issues except her learning is behind. She refuses to go. Screaming and crying. We are usually late which again impacts on my youngest.

I have no support. My ex husband left when the youngest was born and apart from maintenance is not involved. I have no family.
I dont want to do this anymore.

Sorry one more.

Next week 17th June is a SEND drop in M9 10-2pm

Everyone will be there: sendiass, camhs, early help, ed psych, the short breaks team, carers groups and the parent carer forum

Of course not jail, what a stupid thing to say.

Taken to some kind of care facility where she can get the help she clearly needs, and her mother and brother can get some respite.

What are your helpful suggestions as to what could be done?

The daughter does need urgent help.

Also her brother urgently needs to be protected from his violent sister.
As does their mother.

I can see a scenario where OP's son is taken into care as OP cannot protect him.
OP is then left with violent daughter, and there's a tragic outcome...

But yeah, I'm the bad person.

There aren't any care facilities for children that can be accessed in this way. There is no respite for children who don't meet the criteria.
My suggestions are - self refer to children's services. Request a level 4 assessment. Request referrals to any free or low cost SEN support out there. Go to the early help hub drop ins and speak to the staff just to have a listening ear. Go to the GP and get the injuries and the incidents documented. And don't expect any emergency support because it's not there.

Why then are there numerous families all over the UK living with a teenager with physically challenging behaviour - many with younger siblings in the home ? I work with families like this and I have never heard of a sibling 'going into care'. My younger son was asked if he wanted to join a 'Young Carers' group. Unfortunately needing urgent help does not mean you will get it Yes there are tragic outcomes sometimes, they hit the headlines but nothing changes....

Wht kind of fantasy care facillity is this?
You cant just mske things up in your head and then get angry with peoole who tell you these facillities dont exist.

We were at the hospital till the early hours of the morning. She tried to run at me and slipped in the process. This made her angry and she punched the mirror in her bedroom and required stitches. The hospital have done many referrals. And I think the social services as well. She massively kicked off at the hospital. And in a way im glad that someone else has seen this. They spoke to me and I showed them all the bruises and everything. Shes angry this morning. And shes In pain. But wont take calpol. Shes picking the dressing

Well thats good i hope something comes of it .

Does anyone else remember a similar thread from a year or so ago? Again, the poster was struggling with a physically abusive child who was injuring their siblings and parents. I seem to remember that social services threatened to remove the other children (not the aggressive child) on the basis that they were at risk and the adults were “failing to safeguard” them.
The feeling was that it was “easier” to remove the “easy” child than social services find somewhere suitable for a traumatised and aggressive child.
I am posting this as I want the OP to be aware that social services may not provide what she is hoping or looking for.
Please do not pile on me, I can’t imagine how difficult this is for adults in this situation and I have nothing but sympathy and admiration for the OP

And even when all the right people are involved it can still take a long time to get things moving
Currently my son has a social worker
Learning didabillitty nurse , key worker at his resipite( it took years to get respite) facillities
Special school ; all involved and making refferals nothing much has materislised yet.

Yes - many of the families I work with could paper their homes several times over with all the referrals to professional agencies but none have brought tangible results. It's depressing that the terrible state of services for families in crisis is so hidden from view that so many people can seriously think help is somehow magically 'out there' and all you have to do is ask

You’re suggesting that sprinkling her with holy water will sort her out? 😆

I couldnt work out if this comment was serious
But yes i cant imagine a sprinkle of holy water will do much!

Hi OP, that sounds awful but it sounds like it will be really helpful in terms of evidence.

Do you think she might tolerate Calpol melts? I think you can probably Amazon them.

Well it hasn't done King Charles any harm. Although I think they anoint with oil.

Is he looking for a care placement too ? 😃

I was angry about the PP saying I had suggested that the 6 year old go to jail.

And I'm not "making up fantasy care facilities in my head".

I am not prepared to go into details because it's not my story, but close family has been in a similar situation so I do know what I'm talking about. Although due to funding issues/austerity etc there might be fewer options now than 10+ years ago.

Yes in the twenty years since my son was diagnosed, services have crumbled away and nothing in put in their place. It takes time for this to sink in though unless you are affected or working in the area. I thought I was struggling but I see families now who get nothing remotely like what I had for my son when he was a child.

I have said the same thing in a previous post.

A SW posted earlier to say that in a similar situation it had finally been agreed by the Director of SS that a violent young girl should be taken in to foster care. Months later it hadn't happened because no foster parents would take her.

I know that there used to be temporary emergency fc places available, but apparently that is highly unlikely these days.

It would be much easier for them to find a placement for the little boy, and unfortunately that could be the outcome of SS involvement. However it could happen quite quickly if they believed him to be at serious risk of harm.

I would then fear for what could happen to the OP and her daughter...

Much fewer.options
I have a friend who has a child in a residential school but its was an extremely long drawn out process when everything else had failed to get everyone to agree it was in his best interests and he was much older than six i
Its a very last resort situation
Not a first option.

Trust me, the younger child will not be removed from the home because of this.

This isn't how social services work. It's just not. Believe me, if a social worker tried to go to court to remove siblings of an aggressive child the judge would come down on them like a ton of bricks. Social services can't just remove children willy nilly. This is a mythical threat that is often trotted out on threads like this but it's not the case.

And I was angry with you describing a 6 year old as a domestic abuser and suggesting she should be removed from the home just like an adult partner would be. It was a bloody stupid suggestion.

My son was 16 when we got a placement for him - about 5 years of active work to get there so it can be done over time if you can build a strong enough case. It's like competing in the Hunger Games and you have to be very very persistent. I don't know why people think siblings would go into care. I never had this suggested to me and I do not know of any family where this has come up solely because the sibling has issues. Social Work have more than enough work with families where violence has already occurred. They don't send rescue helicopters in for children whose siblings 'might' do something.

I hope this brings help xx

My younger daughter was referred to camhs via A& E a long time ago. Her sister was already on the referral list (they are both adopted) and younger daughter jumped to the top of the list - seen so quickly and by a psychotherapist who was working there part time from one of the big London child mental health units. So fingers crossed xx