I dont want my eldest anymore and I need help

[breakingpoint3222]

I have 2 children. The youngest is 4. My eldest is 6. My youngest is a boy. My eldest is a girl.

Im not going to drip feed. Im going to give as much information as possible.

My eldest I believe is on the spectrum. We have been to the gp. We are on a waiting list. We are on waiting lists for things that school offers. School have flagged she is about 9 months behind and she is going to struggle in year 3. She's currently in year 2 and goes 7 at the end of this month.
She is violent at home. She has beaten me many times. She throws things at me, hits me, bites me, pulls my hair. She does the same to her little brother who is absolutely petrified of her.
She has to be in charge. Its very much her way or no way.
She has no respect for any adult. She rolls her eyes, speaks to me like im stupid, screams at me and her brother.
She doesnt sleep. That is usually when the violence starts. She isnt sleeping until 1 or 2 am. Shes exhausted.
As she's screaming and hitting me my youngest is also not sleeping properly and as he's just started reception this is hard
I cant give him any one to one attention when she's here. She hates my attention being on anything but her. She will pull my hair and scream. She will hurt him

School is a massive issue. She hates school. School have flagged no issues except her learning is behind. She refuses to go. Screaming and crying. We are usually late which again impacts on my youngest.

I have no support. My ex husband left when the youngest was born and apart from maintenance is not involved. I have no family.
I dont want to do this anymore.

She's stuck in dysregulation, over stimulation melt down op

That's not criticism by any means, it's just that I've been there.

Your finger needs medical attention - if it's tender, swollen or lost sensation or movement please go to minor injuries or a&e

Yes, do keep a diary. When you go into school on Monday you need to speak to the Designated Safeguarding Lead, who isn't necessarily the SENDCO. Alternatively ask for the Headteacher. And do seek treatment for that finger. A pharmacist will be able to help with that.
Can the parents of the friend who had your son take him to the party? And maybe have him stay over on Sunday? It's a lot to ask, but you said they understood.
And do please consider phoning the Samaritans. At the very least you can vent. They should also have contact details for someone who can provide practical help in a crisis.

I know I have been really negative about what services can do to help on this thread and whilst I stand by that and I will always counteract people telling others to abandon their children at council offices, but if the end result that you want is to get your child in foster care, you have to build a picture across different services. Go to the appointment at school but if they aren't seeing the behaviour at school they may not be a huge help evidence wise. Show the GP your finger and other bruises and marks. I can't remember if you said she's on the assessment pathway for ND but if not the GP can do that. If she's actively risking your DS' safety during a meltdown and you can't contain it then do call police, as part of your evidence trail.
You need a referral to children's services and you want level 4 not early help. GP can do that (they may not though, GPs are one of the lowest sources of referrals to social care for some reason) and school can do it or you can self refer.
I hope she doesn't end up in care, it's rarely better for children but the help you need to care for her safely at home is very limited.

Sorry, just read that someone is taking your son to the party. Maybe that can lead to a sleepover for him.
Rather than ask your daughter what she would like to do, which may be too big a decision for her, as she likes painting, could you cope with that? If that's too much, then crayons, playdough?

She won't be able to decide for herself at present. She's stuck with her dysregulation so you will need to do it for her. Don't ask her, just provide the materials, perhaps start the activity yourself and let her come to it when she's ready.

Im going to go to the pharmacist but right now I cant. Shes too angry to come. I cant go to the minor injuries or a hospital or anything. She has zero patience for anything. So hopefully the pharmacist can do something. I hate asking but I did ring my son's friends mum and she collected my son about 10 minutes ago. The party isnt till 1 but I have spoken to her a little. She says he can stay for tea and if things are bad he can stay. As he was putting his shoes on my eldest yelled 'your going out of the house because nobody wants you'. So that was hard. Because now not only am I clearly failing her im also failing my son who left in tears. The tv is off. She threw the remote at my head and I dont know where it's gone so im sat on the stairs and shes screaming. Ive already had a kick to the leg for not being able to find the remote. But she has a massive issue with keeping absolutely everything so I wouldn't even know where to start looking. My finger is so painful.
I've emailed school and requested an urgent meeting with the headteacher.

I've no idea what to say, I've never had to deal with this. I hope someone comes on here soon and gives you some help

Just wanted to send a hug x

The thing she said to your ds is what she is feeling on the inside

They sometimes vocalise (if verbal) what is driving the PDA

The PDa world is counter a lot of parenting advice but if you can up her dopamine you might get a tiny brief window in the adrenaline cycle which is where she is now

If she wears ear defenders for outings, use those to reduce sensory input.

Offer regular crunchy snacks, toddler snacks that are bland are perfect, as they are less of a choke hazard if her behaviour suddenly tanks mid snack but the crunching can release the tension in her jaw

If she'll tolerate Calpol use that as if she has pain anywhere (pains are common with ADHD) then it will feed her cycle of fear and perpetuate the PDA

Use the blanket for calm, last time you said she passed out from exhaustion in it, so might be worth getting a weighted blanket (use with caution for a young DC) use it to calm or get her to sleep not for deep sleep

I have been where you are op

If my hacks aren't helping tell me and I'll 🤐 but I had to figure out what worked for my DC by trial and (a LOT) of error on my part

All ND kids are different but other SEN mums on MN kept me going. Please think about the link I put up thread to the long running SEN chat on MN

You're not alone, I know it feels like it x

Find your local services | Action For Children

Not sure if someone has already suggested Action for Children but you might be able to find some support service from them or be sign posted to someone who can help.

Home | Gingerbread
They support single parents. I am unsure if they operate in your area but its worth looking at.

In the meantime, I'd second the PPs, try to find something that can help regulate her and ring the Samaritans. You are in an intense situation and having a rant/cry down the phone might help you keep your head on straight.

You've done all you can for now. Can you move anything which she can use to harm herself or you out of her reach? If so, do that and, knowing she's safe, let her exhaust herself.
And do, as cheesecakeismeescake has suggested, take a look at the SEN page.

As far as your finger is concerned, make sure you wrap it in something cold - even a wet cloth which has been in the freezer will help. Make sure you have something like a tea towel between that and the finger.

Good luck.

I'm so sorry, OP. Can you take her with you to hospital to get your finger seen to and if she kicks off there, then everyone will see what she's like and how she hurt your finger. Maybe they'll give her something to calm her down? I don't know if they children's mental health units there?

If your finger is broken I would definitely take her to the police station and report it, even if she does get a child record.

Shes six the police will not be charging a 6 year old chld
Also staff in A& E would not be giving a child who isnt their patient medication to help them calm down .

How about A&E for both of you? Appreciate the journey would be difficult, but your finger is an accident, and her crisis is an emergency. You have nothing to be ashamed about if she is difficult there, it'll just make the emergency more obvious.

Perhaps start with a call to 111.

I'd also report to the police. While she is too young for any criminal charges, having a long term log of problems may help you in the future.

I wish there was an easy answer. I work with a service that has adolescent males who are physically challenging in the home and many parents have been in A and E as a result. The families affected do have social work and cahms input but an out of home placement is not being offered . You can start the process now by building a case for help over the coming years but it really a long long complex process. The school is a good start point though and hopefully they can put you in touch with local organisations with experience of situations like yours. I think some posters are confusing what they would like to happen with what can happen with very very scarce resources . I think you almost certainly can get help but it will be home based help.

Exactly my thoughts.

Cant even get to the pharmacist. Shes screaming shes hungry but wants me to order something because her brother has got to go to a party. I dont have the money for that and I dont want her eating junk food. So now shes cross and hungry. I followed someone's suggestion and made a cheese sandwich and just placed it on the table and she threw the plate at me. I need to get my finger looked at. It's gone numb and it's tingling but I cannot take her to a and e or any sort of minor injuries

In your situation I would take her to A&E with you and beg for help when you’re there.

Can you call NHS 111 about your finger op

You have to get it checked x

Yes go to A&E. She will try to stop you and make it as difficult as possible as she’s embarrassed about her behaviour. But this is a good way to get help for all 3 of you.
To get her there I’d honestly bribe. Tell her she can stop along the way and spend up ti £5 on snacks for whilst she’s waiting. She can pack some colouring/ word searches etc now. I’m generally not a fan of bribing children but I 100% would in this situation

I’d also tell them your 4 year old son’s life is in danger as she threatened to throw him down the stairs and you’re petrified she’s going kill him. They’ll have a duty to help and get child’s mental health services involved immediately - when lives are at risk, there’s a crisis team, including for children.

I feel for you and your son so much. I feel for your daughter, too, as she's clearly distressed. I think A&E would be the best place and I agree to bribing her. Tell the doctors that she caused it - if she does kick off that's all for the best as they'll see what you are dealing with.

I do think you should contact social services and ask for emergency help.

Hi @breakingpoint3222 . I'm so sorry for your situation, it really does sound horrendous.

If you really can't get her to go with you to A&E, call an ambulance. Explain that your daughter has hurt you, and won't go with you to seek medical help. Honestly I hope she kicks off in front of them so they can see what you're dealing with.

Domestic abuse from a young child is unusual but clearly it happens, to you and others who have posted similar things.
If it was a male partner abusing you they would be taken away.
It shouldn't be any different here...

💐💐💐

Its diffreent becusse its s six year child and will not be treated the same as a male adult
I dont disagree the Op needs help
But the reality is there is little out there.

I understand it's different because it's a young child doing it.

But the results are the same - injuries, pain, fear, dread.

There should be a protocol for dealing with it.

This charity has stepped into the gap. I paid a small amount for a one to one advice session but the online sessions are free:

For Parents & Carers by Capa First Response | Eventbrite https://share.google/AEuKNP96fsOdOvjSr

A&E is the service most likely to bring social services in immediately. I think you may have to go there re your daughter's mental health and your finger.