I dont want my eldest anymore and I need help

[breakingpoint3222]

I have 2 children. The youngest is 4. My eldest is 6. My youngest is a boy. My eldest is a girl.

Im not going to drip feed. Im going to give as much information as possible.

My eldest I believe is on the spectrum. We have been to the gp. We are on a waiting list. We are on waiting lists for things that school offers. School have flagged she is about 9 months behind and she is going to struggle in year 3. She's currently in year 2 and goes 7 at the end of this month.
She is violent at home. She has beaten me many times. She throws things at me, hits me, bites me, pulls my hair. She does the same to her little brother who is absolutely petrified of her.
She has to be in charge. Its very much her way or no way.
She has no respect for any adult. She rolls her eyes, speaks to me like im stupid, screams at me and her brother.
She doesnt sleep. That is usually when the violence starts. She isnt sleeping until 1 or 2 am. Shes exhausted.
As she's screaming and hitting me my youngest is also not sleeping properly and as he's just started reception this is hard
I cant give him any one to one attention when she's here. She hates my attention being on anything but her. She will pull my hair and scream. She will hurt him

School is a massive issue. She hates school. School have flagged no issues except her learning is behind. She refuses to go. Screaming and crying. We are usually late which again impacts on my youngest.

I have no support. My ex husband left when the youngest was born and apart from maintenance is not involved. I have no family.
I dont want to do this anymore.

if it was a male partner abusing you they would be taken away. It shouldn't be any different here...

This is a 6 year old CHILD. Not a partner, not a domestic abuser. Taken away where? Jail!? Fucking hell.

Guys please - what do you think A and E will do? The broken finger is not an emergency and nobody is going to swoop in and remove the DD to a safe place. OP would be waiting in a waiting area for 6-8 hours with a highly dysregulated child for what?? Come on, please don't advise something so utterly pointless.

Everyone agrees the OP needs help and that the situation is distressing. Unfortunately expectations have to be line with reality. Exploring options with the school and parent support organisations seems like the best place to start. Hospital staff frequently see what the parents of severely autistic teenagers deal with but they have no direct way to address the issues other than to suggest Social Work - which the family been working with for years - and they are the 'lucky' ones as many families cannot get social workers allocated due to the strain and overload on the system. A busy A and E will not be interested in the OP's case other than to assess her finger. If it's a long wait and her child disrupts others waiting they will be even less sympathetic.

My worry re: the finger is a suspected fracture needs to be seen, it can be at risk of infection. Op is a single mum and no network (not judging, same boat here) and if she did physically deteriorate it might be even more precarious

Hence suggesting MIU or 111

I know A&E is really hard on ND kids at the best of times

It does need to be seen. My boss ignored a broken finger and it set permanently bent at the knuckle closest to the palm.

That's not true. A&E doctors are very used to making emergency referrals to social services. In fact (though I accept this is not the OP's situation), most children go into care following a catastrophe involving A& E, police, school referrals. Up until then it's all meetings, case conferences, referrals to services, notes added to a growing file...this can drag on for months/years.

My local hospital has a children's A&E, a minor injuries unit, a same day care centre and traditional A&E. They would most definitely be the right place for eg a broken finger.

We just left minor injuries, yes my finger is broken and she bust my nose before we set off as well. Trying to wrestle my car keys out of my hand. I had to drive. The doctor asked how it happened and I was honest and she screamed that I was a liar. Im so tired. Im exhausted. My sons staying out. She was up till 3 am this morning and I have no doubt tonight will be the same. Melatonin is ordered. I just want to drive away. I cant do this. I really cant

It's true that an A and E incident can add weight to a family's case but as you say - only after many years of work with the family- but people are suggesting one visit to A and E with a 6 year old will have an immediate result !

Op I'm glad you got seen ...did they check your nose too?

I had a thought - could you get a baby sitter experienced in SEN tomorrow just for company for you, I've found a few on childcare co uk

Not to leave her with a sitter but just so there's an adult around

I used to get weekend anxiety like people get the Sunday blues.

I keep wanting to send a message and then deleting as I desperately don’t want to give any bad advice. I just want to give you a hug!

You’re being incredibly strong (even if you doesn’t feel like it) and don’t give up!

Did they strap your fingers? And were there any comments from the Dr about your nose and DD screaming?

Most children do not go into care following a catastrophe involving police or A and E and I'm not sure why you've included school referrals in that category? In any case, social services are not an emergency service. The out of hours service don't take new referrals. If she goes to A and E it won't trigger any middle of the night foster placement.

Did they not get someone from the children’s crisis team? For most (or all?) hospitals this would be through A&E, not minor injuries. But did they not want you to get emergency help for your daughter’s mental health? Did you explain she’s posing a danger to your son too? I think you should call 101 about your daughter’s mental health…. Explaining you’ve had to send your 4 year old son on a sleepover because she threatened his life this morning. You’re petrified she’ll actually do something to kill him and need help now to prevent this. Tell them about everything else. Something needs to be done before you collect him/ he’s dropped off tomorrow. It may not feel like it, as she’s embarrassed about her behaviour, but she is absolutely having a crisis and needs help. This is also the kindest thing for her, not just you and your son.

Don’t be ridiculous. This is a little girl suffering from trauma. She’s got major issues likely due to her father spontaneously abandoning her. How can you say something so cruel? She absolutely needs help, and urgently. OP is not the only one at breaking point. But to compare a 6 year old little girl to a fully grown man and suggesting the same consequences is beyond ridiculous.

Op please tell me to eff off if you need to but just throwing it out there

This isn't my church (I've just parked near it!) but they have a SEND ministry where a diagnosis isn't needed to access their support and groups and they seem to have a home visit befriending team

audaciouschurch com /send

there's one in central (technically Salfordish imo) and one in south Manc.

No pile on please just trying to think outside the box a bit..it's shit being alone with a SEN child and a NT child

I am not trying to evangelise I literally just drove past it the other day

It might help, it may not, I have no vested interest in it but no hate please just trying to help a bit

Op I'm off to try and get dc2 down but try and eat and drink water, if she's calmer in the car, go to a drive thru

Children's crisis team will not do anything for an angry dysregulated jealous ND child who is acting out. It's not a mental health issue. CAMHS A and E are for suicidal children not children like this one. And really, nothing is going to be 'done' before tomorrow afternoon. It's the weekend apart from anything. And as I said, social services are not an emergency service.

@RoseField1you’ve got a lot of info on what not to do, any info on what OP should do??

Frustrating, isn't it. The OP should try any and all avenues for help. I worry sometimes that OPs just won't bother at all. I don't think I would if I got doomplopped on.

I nearly typed this suggestion last night but deleted it but since someone else mentioned a church, I thought I would be brave, and I think the previous church suggestion is a great idea.

My idea - and a lot of pp will probably laugh or scoff at it but I'm genuinely trying to help.

Organise with a Catholic church to have the priest (hopefully an older experienced one who's seen a lot of things and won't think it's a crazy request) to have him bless DD and sprinkle Holy water on her in the actual church. Maybe the spiritual goodness of the Church will seep into her somehow, plus the Holy water?

It depends on your religious views of course. I fully expect to get a lot of flack for this suggestion.

Another idea: Can you make an appt with your local member of parliament and bring the video/s of DD kicking off and show them your injuries and tell them you're worried about DS's safety and maybe they can fast track stuff for you or put you in touch with the correct dept and fast track that?