I dont want my eldest anymore and I need help

[breakingpoint3222]

I have 2 children. The youngest is 4. My eldest is 6. My youngest is a boy. My eldest is a girl.

Im not going to drip feed. Im going to give as much information as possible.

My eldest I believe is on the spectrum. We have been to the gp. We are on a waiting list. We are on waiting lists for things that school offers. School have flagged she is about 9 months behind and she is going to struggle in year 3. She's currently in year 2 and goes 7 at the end of this month.
She is violent at home. She has beaten me many times. She throws things at me, hits me, bites me, pulls my hair. She does the same to her little brother who is absolutely petrified of her.
She has to be in charge. Its very much her way or no way.
She has no respect for any adult. She rolls her eyes, speaks to me like im stupid, screams at me and her brother.
She doesnt sleep. That is usually when the violence starts. She isnt sleeping until 1 or 2 am. Shes exhausted.
As she's screaming and hitting me my youngest is also not sleeping properly and as he's just started reception this is hard
I cant give him any one to one attention when she's here. She hates my attention being on anything but her. She will pull my hair and scream. She will hurt him

School is a massive issue. She hates school. School have flagged no issues except her learning is behind. She refuses to go. Screaming and crying. We are usually late which again impacts on my youngest.

I have no support. My ex husband left when the youngest was born and apart from maintenance is not involved. I have no family.
I dont want to do this anymore.

Hey OP. My friend (also a single mum) had a very similar DD. The school thought she was either a bad parent, exaggerating or, realistically, both. She was an excellent parent and sadly not exaggerating how violent and abusive her ‘model student’ DD was at home.

It shouldn’t have to come to this, but she went into the school office at 8:45am, in clothes that showed all of the bites, bruises and scratches. She refused to leave until she had spoken to someone from the senior management team.

Everything started progressing from there. It’s barbaric but if your son has an obvious bruise tomorrow you take him into the office with you instead of class. The school need to realise how in danger he is as well. Sadly, you are not their concern. But they have a duty of care to him that they are heavily neglecting at the moment.

Friend’s DD has PDA autism as I see has been mentioned on here a fair bit.

My son is staying at his friend's parents. They completely got it. And collected him. I feel like a failure

Please don't! I would absolutely do the same in similar circumstances.

You are an amazing woman to have reached this far. I’m sorry I can’t help you or offer any advice. But you are not a failure whatsoever. You are living in horrific circumstances without any support. Wish I could give you a massive hug fwiw

You are a success. You haven't given up; you've reached out for help; and most of all, you haven't abandoned your kids, unlike your shitty ex.

Do this, and the words you need to say are "I need to see the DSL immediately" (the safeguarding lead). Every school has one.

You have done so well and are an amazing mum. Don't give up, it will get easier with adjustment and support in place.

Echo previous poster, bring yourself and son to the school office tomorrow morning with visible injuries from today showing and refuse to leave until you have had a face to face meeting with the DSL. I am a teacher and my DSL would be all over this. This is a safeguarding issue and they can refer you to social services (as a helpful measure).

Social services may not help (they were rubbish for us) but get your family's name and situation in all the systems and they can signpost more support and help.

Start with the school office tomorrow. Don't let them fob you off by telling you to make an appointment. This is an urgent safeguarding issue to keep all of you safe and healthy.

You are enough and you are not alone.

Well done op, all this is doable with some help and the opportunity to give both children time, space and individual attention. What you’re doing is impossible so asking for help is a massive step in the right direction. Your wee boy will have a fab time and you and your girl can have a breather. Get onto some of the local supports tomorrow, carers centres are also amazing

OP Yeah, you are doing the right thing, and wrapping her in a blanket and giving her that security was. good move, as was letting your little boy get some space. Now get some good rest yourself. Start afresh in the morning, cuddles and words of love and encouragement if possible, try keep it positive even though you dont feel like it, don't let it show. Sending you all love and hugs

Well done op 🩷 you reached out that's massive

Thinking of you

There's lots of us out here who knows how you feel, and we'd all say what an amazing job you've done today, you really have

Success in a SEN family doesn't always look typical, it often looks messy but it still counts x

I don't have kids but I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't know if I would be able to hang in there as long as you have. I think I might have given her up to social services by now and asked them to put her in care.

You need to be there for yourself and your DS. You know how when you're on a plane and they give you the safety speech and tell you to put on your own oxygen mask first before you help anyone with theirs? Putting her into care might be the equivalent of putting on your oxygen mask.

If you can't put her into care do they have special needs boarding schools/camps for autistic kids?

Can you report her to the police every time she hits you/your DS?

I'll probably get a lot of flack for this post from other Mumsnetters but everyone is different and everyone has their own nervous system thresholds for what they can endure and what they can't. I've learnt that going through menopause.

You are not a failure. You are putting your sons safety first. Like others have said, go in with evidence. Record her, show the injuries, show that you're at breaking point. If the SENCO is not helping you (if she's anything like the one at my school where I work then I totally understand everything you've said so far) then you demand to speak to the school DSL (designated safeguarding lead - in my school this is the head teacher). Contact the local authority's children's services and request a Child in Need assessment and family support. Be explicit about the frequency and severity of the assaults and the impact on you and your son. You have to speak out to whatever authority you can. I totally understand your desperation. PDA is so tough to deal with.

I know you mean well but please understand that that is not actually an option in the vast, vast majority of cases. You'd have just been left alone to struggle, probably for years.

There is help available but not from the state.

Been there, got the t-shirt.

Calling police will create a paper trail of reports to social services so could be useful in that sense but they won't actually do anything in the moment - she's 6 not 16. And they won't come out more than 2/3 times as it's a waste of their time.
You don't just put a child into care in this country, and she can't access SEN schooling without a diagnosis and/or EHCP neither of which she has yet

There are residentisl schools but there is no way the Ops daughter would get a place in one currently
As she doesnt even have an EHCP its also a very last option and costs an eye watering amount of money
Im not sure what you mean by camps?
But if you mean overnight respite yes this does exist But and its a huge But its usuallly reseved for the most complex of children and there would be lots of assements , going to panel before the child is even considered
And then a long wait
Its not an easy process by any
means.

You are not a failure. You are just fighting a battle daily, its exhausting and lack of sleep will not be helping you.

Lots of us have been where you are today. Take the advice the PPs have given in regard to show bruises, be up front about what is happening at home. You are going to have to fight to get help. Its a shit situation to be in and I wish it was easier for you.

Wishing you a better day OP

Im going to school. I usually wear a jumper but im going to show them the reality. She knows im speaking to school because she overheard me on the phone and is full on begging and pleading with me to not tell anyone. But this cant go on. Im not leaving until I've spoken to the SENCO. My son has a bruise on his face so ill be also speaking about that. She had a full meltdown screaming and punching last night and I did video it.

Hope you managed to get some sleep OP. Whatever happens today, know that you are a good mum - you care, you care a lot. The constant struggle is wearing you out, but you've taken steps by reaching out to us and making sure your son is safe. Now do the next by asking to speak to the Safeguarding Lead in school. If they're not in, there will be a deputy - there has to be in all schools.

We'll be thinking of you and wishing you well.

She's worried she'll get in trouble.

If it's possible explain something like "our family just needs extra help at the moment, mummy is here"

Just because a fear spiral can cause a PDA

Good luck op xx

PS. Just saw your latest post. The Safeguarding Lead is who you need. They are sometimes the same as the SENCO but not always. You should stress the effect it's having on your son. They have a legal obligation to act on Safeguarding concerns. Good luck.
Also, your daughter is probably worried that she will be punished. She won't. She needs help and she needs to know that. She is unhappy and you could stress that she can be happier - but with help. You are not telling tales. You are asking for help, because you care.

Well done OP. Good luck with getting somewhere x

By camps I mean one or 2 weeks where they go away and are looked after by professionals and get behavioral help. They used to make TV shows about it but can't remember what they were called. I think some of the TV shows about it were UK.

I'm in Australia so maybe our social services system is different or maybe everything is changed but I knew someone here that was put into care as a teen because of family stuff. She was in the system until she aged out at 18.

No they dont exist.

Well.obviously we have social services in the uk too and children are put into care for many different reasons
But its never a decision thats taken lightly and social services want to keep families to gether as much as possible

Another helpful organisation is the A World CIC @breakingpoint3222

It's worth making contact with them, things take time to build up (you can't access some of their support until formally diagnosed) but for every connection you make, it makes it less of a lonely journey

Rooting for you this morning x