Am I unreasonable to refuse direct financial support for my eldest?

[AnOn2909]

So I have 2 children, we divorced when the eldest was 14 (now 18) the youngest splits their time btn parents (CMS is being paid). The eldest decided to stay with the other parent in the family home and has had minimal contact with me since 2-3x a year. Divorce recently finalised and home is now being sold. University is on the horizon and I’ve been asked to provide eldest child with funds. They believe it’s fair that as CMS will stop I should continue paying the same amount in funding (£400-£500 pcm), directly to eldest child. Am I being unreasonable saying no.

Yes YABU. They don't stop being your child because they're at university. If you have subscribed you'd be financially supporting them during full time education. As for not seeing you, children aren't pay per view

If you want to kill any chance of a better relationship with your eldest in future, say no.

I don’t know who you’re trying to punish.

You don’t seem to want to help your child succeed. Whose job is that, if not both parents? By all means offer less on the understanding that mum will also contribute. But to offer nothing, wow.

So you won’t be supporting your child through uni? Well assuming you loathe their very existence and never want to see them again, fill your boots.

On the other hand if you vaguely value your child of course you bloody well support them through uni.

Well yes YABU, the story of divorce and living arrangements is irrelevant, supporting your kids through university when financially possible is what parents do.

Yes you are. They’re your child and due to the way loans are given out they’re based on parental income - parents are expected to contribute. And it won’t heal your relationship to say no either.

If the amount is too much try and sit down with DC and discuss a reasonable amount.

Agree with above posts.

Parents who are able to, support their children through uni, so YABU.

Are you saying no because you can't afford it or because you want to punish your child for not seeing you and staying with the other parent?

Not just unreasonable but mean-spirited and selfish. HTH.

Would you have paid towards uni if you were still married? They don't stop being your child when you get divorced and they turn 18 you know.

I assume you are a man? Possibly I'm stereotyping but usually you hear about men being tight fisted gits towards their children rather than women.

Of course you should support your child through uni. Why wouldn't you?

I think I would be ignoring the parts about previous cms payments and how much they see you.

I don’t think it’s automatically parents responsibility to support children through university. It’s a nice to have.

However - Do you plan on supporting the younger child through uni? I would make sure it’s equal.

Surely you want to support your child through their education to give them the best chance at a successful adult life? I have a child who is off to university this year and I will be continuing to support them as much as they need even though it will be a struggle for me. It's just what parents do isn't it?

You divorced his father, not him

Presumably you love him and want to support whatever is in his best interests.

Of course YABU.
they are YOUR child. It is YOUR job to support them. And be prepared to do the same for the youngest too.

My dad was really quite wealthy. Probably still is but I’m NC now so I wouldn’t know.

My parents divorced when I was 16, he treated my mum very badly so I didn’t want to see him much.

He also refused to give me a penny through university. It was a huge struggle. I’ve never forgiven him.

You do you, but you reap what you sow.

My ex husband stopped all support as soon as he could and didn’t contribute a penny towards our daughter’s university. She hates him even more than I do now. YABU.

I know divorce is expensive but it doesn't seem fair to penalise your dc because of a parental divorce.

They are still your child. They took no part in deciding that their parents divorce.

Why would you not want to contribute to their ongoing success?

Parental support needs to be unconditional.

Divorce is hard on Dc, whatever age they are. It's sad you see less of your dc now, but hang on in there, encourage them, show the you are proud of their Uni place,

I am assuming you can afford the support?

Why would you not want to help and support your own child? You sound like an awful person - maybe that's why they see you so little?

@Mischance fyi

AnOn2909 27/03/2026 06:15
I’m a bloke, I think he just needs time to process. You can carry lots of trauma into a relationship

They didn't make this mess, you and your ex did. It's not their fault they didn't grow up in a home with two parents who thought the world of them and will support their further education. You split up when they were fourteen, that's a real tough time in life yet alone your parents splitting up. You made reap what you sow.

Maybe you shouldn't pay the same amount, for me that would depend on their attitude to money, working part time, where they're studying etc.

What did your parents do for you?

You even have to ask? What sort of a person are you that you think that you shouldn't contribute in some way to help your own child get an education.

As they’re an adult, and chose to see you so infrequently, I’d say no to paying more money. I’m with you OP.

If you had an ongoing and good relationship with this now adult, I’d think differently.

Can you afford to pay it?

Parents who are still married support their children at university if they have they the means. Divorce doesn’t absolve you of your responsibilities.

If you don’t support your child with their education, despite having the means to do so, you will damage the relationship. It’s an absolutely asshole move.