Am I unreasonable to refuse direct financial support for my eldest?

[AnOn2909]

So I have 2 children, we divorced when the eldest was 14 (now 18) the youngest splits their time btn parents (CMS is being paid). The eldest decided to stay with the other parent in the family home and has had minimal contact with me since 2-3x a year. Divorce recently finalised and home is now being sold. University is on the horizon and I’ve been asked to provide eldest child with funds. They believe it’s fair that as CMS will stop I should continue paying the same amount in funding (£400-£500 pcm), directly to eldest child. Am I being unreasonable saying no.

This was a response to another poster.

You should contribute what you can afford. Not doing that will further entrench your child's view of you.

I am so grateful to my parents that they didn't base our entire relationship on how I behaved as a teen.

Our relationships were unconditional, non transactional and they continued to be a stable, reliable and supportive resource while I FAFO in all sorts of ways.

I was horrible. They were kind, generous and loving. They kept the door open and supported me through education and training to ensure I had the means to support myself.

We have a great relationship now!

I can't imagine saying to my teen, "you behaved badly so that is it, forever."

How are you paying it currently if you “can’t afford it”?

Of course you need to pay it. This is part of the responsibility of being a parent. It’s disgusting that you’re even questioning it and trying to make it conditional.

Grow up and behave like a responsible adult rather than trying to blackmail your children.

Typos if you hadn't divorced.... Not sure where subscribed came from

I'd continue support but I wouldn't pay the same amount.

Nearly all people at university should have some sort of job but it shouldn't harm their academic performance.

What is the other parent paying each month?

This would assume that the costs of housing and feeding them during university holidays (nearly half of the year) are also equally split.

My eldest brother paid until both girls finished university. Neither knew as the were NC with him. He kept all his bank statements and showed them to both girls at our father's eighteth birthday party. Their mother had lied about the support and spent the lot including money in birthday cards found in the loft. Both are are now NC with the mother for the above reasons and she's now believed to be stealing from her youngest, a successful sports person.
My advice OP be the better person. You might need them later. I funded all my parent's care.

Ok?

I can’t see this confirmed in any messages op posted before I replied.

Doesn’t make a difference if it’s mum or dad.

I’d certainly not be paying £500 a month!

Why didn’t the receiving parent save up for this day out of the maintenance money?

Id maybe pay £150 a month - I’d expect them to get a pt job too

Sounds like they're angry with you. Maybe you should work on that. I found being fourteen and eighteen hard. My emotions were strong and I felt injustice in things. Maybe this is about you're splitting up with their other parent regardless of who instigated it.

To say I'm not contributing because you don't see me or you want me is poor. You're the grown up, you're the parent, I expect my parents to love me no matter what as I do my children.

Do better.

If you're in foster care Social Services will cover rent for you up to 25yrs of age whilst in FT education, that's what is expected by the government of parents... it's not legally forceable but a well expected provision so if I were you I would pay an amount you are happy to provide, you don't have to match a figure from the other parent, that's not really any of your business, talk to your adult child alone and make arrangements with them only.

I'm obviously the odd one out but I think that if you go NC with someone, you can't then expect to be bankrolled by them. I assume there is a backstory as to why your eldest has cut you off but if they feel strongly about it they shouldn't want your money.

Because CMS is to cover part of the child’s living expenses not to be put into savings. It’s to cover a share of the basic living costs (utilities, clothing, food, etc)

He’s a bloke so will get a kicking on here.

Is it the child doing the demanding or the other parent?

I’d be interested to hear what the other parent is proposing contributing too

University costs - and it's expected regardless of relationship unless fully estranged that parents provide the difference between the lower maintenance loan (£5000 ish) and true lviing costs - if parents are unable to help then the young person has to find that themselves - the system is crap I agree but you're destroying your future relationship with your child if you continue this path

consider how you can help support the difference in costs between the two - I'd base this on living costs being around £11000 per year - so about £6000 per year ish.
but please focus on your child, future proof the relationship and value the fact that they wish to continue studying -

This!

I feel there is a moral obligation on parents to cover to the gap between max maintenance loan and what their child can actually get in loans, if it's at all possible.

I get that the amount is not based on your income, but I don't think that means it's the right thing to do to leave your child to struggle with it. Uni is expensive for parents and you are still their parent.

At a minimum I think you should cover half of hall fees or rent inc utilities. I don't think that is too much to ask. It's a bit more nuanced if they are choosing somewhere extremely expensive to study, but that's where I'd start as a minimum.

That's what my Dad did for me and my mum matched it

Is mum low income? Will child get max loan? What's difference between that and the accom? It might fully cover it might not. Id suggest paying for 200 supermarket voucher cards so you know theyre eating but I wouldnt be forking out 500 quid a month for someone who didnt want to see me

Of course you are being unreasonable. Your DC does not stop being your child just because you get a divorce. All parents have to pay towards their DC going to university. If you don't provide financial details to student loans people your DC will only get lowest loan as if you were supporting them. This would probably mean they couldn't afford to go.

Well, you're probably not legally obliged to, b ut if you ever want a relationship, I would. I'd also be quite keen to pay directly to your child - it opens the door to a reinvigoration of the relationship I would hope.

i think where the relationship is positive and healthy, university financial support would probably come with some guardrails - an expectation that the work will be done, that they'll pass their courses, perhaps that they take on some part time work etc. In your case, that might be tricky to do without appearing controlling etc, but I would think if you can build up a relationship, that would be good.

It's telling however that you don't say why there is no relationship, or express any wish to have a relationship.....

Why if you can afford it now can you not afford it in the future?

I do think each parent should contribute the same as long as ones not a millionaire or something.