Am I unreasonable to refuse direct financial support for my eldest?

[AnOn2909]

So I have 2 children, we divorced when the eldest was 14 (now 18) the youngest splits their time btn parents (CMS is being paid). The eldest decided to stay with the other parent in the family home and has had minimal contact with me since 2-3x a year. Divorce recently finalised and home is now being sold. University is on the horizon and I’ve been asked to provide eldest child with funds. They believe it’s fair that as CMS will stop I should continue paying the same amount in funding (£400-£500 pcm), directly to eldest child. Am I being unreasonable saying no.

How much is the other parent supporting DC with?

The fact that the child has stopped contact with you is irrelevant. They are your child and you have a responsibility to help them through their education.

Not sure if anyone has asked this question but have you gone on to have further children? Many people do this and reduce their contributions as that's their right. If this is the case you might find your oldest child feels abandoned and replaced.

It's ludicrous that all (including absent) parents don't have to pay an assessed proportion of income towards higher education costs.

In divorced/separated families, it's most often the non-resident parent who ends up being the higher earner (because working around children/childcare affects the resident parent's career).

The young person gets a maximum student maintenance loan, due to low income in the resident parent household. This results in a huge student loan debt (around 25% more than most students from two-parent households incur). To be repaid for the rest of their working life, because the size of the debt means they're less likely than other students to ever pay it off.

So essentially the current system allows non-resident parents to transfer their financial obligation to their child. It's not always the man of course, but I know three families among my friends where this very thing is happening.

It’s your loss at the end of the day.
Hopefully the support of the involved parent is enough to get them through uni.

Does he fuck need to cut his cloth in this situation.

The guy needs to house himself and the child that does have contact with him, not prioritise paying the adult child that doesn’t have contact with him £500 per month 😂

Do you love your child?

Then you should do the right thing. Or, if you would not have been financially able to support them at university even if you had not divorced then you must have that conversation with them.

If you don't do the right thing, your child will know you don't love them and you will reap the consequences of that as you age.

FGS - this is about your child, not point scoring with your ex. Whether they want to see you often or not, they’re still your child and you should want the best for them. Don’t you?

Morally you should be providing for them still, 18 maybe an adult in the eyes of the law but societally it’s still a child as life is getting more expensive for this cohort.

YABU to consider dropping them. Shows how selfish you are.

Maybe ask friends and see what financial support they give their children at uni. We gave our sons £45 a week but we would also pay any extra that the loan didn’t cover for accommodation. What would you be willing to give, name your price and offer that.

I hear you OP.
Its a shit situation and unfortunately you've jumped head first into the lion's pit on here. Be prepared for most to tell you what an arsehole you are.......
It is entirely up to you whether you help pay for your child to attend uni or not. It is not a condition of being a parent. My parents never funded any of my further education and I also had no right to demand money from them either. (They could have afforded it BTW, they just chose not to!)
Your parental responsibilities don't end once your children reach 18 but PR is also not defined by how much money you can give them either (despite the opinions on here). You could make yourself emotionally available and supportive to your children regardless of whether they want to reciprocate the relationship. To me, thats worth far more than money. I also don't think its right for the other parent to bad mouth you or be a martyr to the children because of finances.
Stand your ground, don't be bullied but also I think its a valuable lesson for your children to learn that a relationship is a two way street and they can't just demand money from you as adults without put any effort in themselves. It will build an entitled attitude otherwise.

If your contact with your DC is that minimal and you cannot afford it I would provide support with things like books/laptop etc/food gift cards etc.

As a lone parent I've had years of keeping my head above water - there is support out there if they need it. You also need to get yourselfon your feet. University is a choice.

I didn’t know it was a he.
It really shouldn’t make any difference.

In a 'together' family, if parents can't afford Uni support, then so be it. When it comes to separated parents, Uni support seems to be mandatory (on MN) for the father, whether its affordable or not.

Why did your then 14 year old decide to almost stop seeing you?

If you want any hope of fixing the rift in your relationship, then contribute. Is it the young adult or your ex who is asking you to pay for them?

Of course YABU. And a twat.

Is this Money for fees/rent etc. my parents paid for me to go to uni and my accommodation but beer/clothes etc was expected to get job and fund that myself. So I suppose it depends what the funds are for

Do you know how much your ex's income is/the loan your DC is entitled to? I think that is very relevant.

Mine didn't fund me either (separated parents, both remarried with younger kids) and guess what? I've spent most of my adult life thinking what a bunch of twats they are.

So don't fund your son if you want him, too, to grow into adulthood thinking you're a tight, graceless tosspot who doesn't really deserve to have a relationship with any grandchildren.

DH and I supported his son generously through Uni, we were happy to do this, as we didn't want him ending up with lots of debt.

But we didn't support his daughter, who (and this is similar to the OP's situation) she went no-contact with DH several years before Uni.

Not based on the parent they dont live with though

Why do you find it ridiculous that your financial contributions should stay the same? I don't care whether your ex is reasonable or not but most parents find that their financial contributions to their children go up when they go to uni. Given this i am confused as to why it would be ridiculous for your contribution to stay the same.

How much will the student need? What are their fees / accommodation costs / budget to eat and have some fun? How much can their other parent contribute? Grants? Part time job?

OP Do you agree that University is the best route for your son?
Did you have any input in his post school choices?
If you have been left out of those conversations you should insist on that now.
Can exH pay more than he is offering do you think?

You keep using this stupid phrase, ‘used as an ATM’. Did you hear it somewhere?

Parents are a source of emotional, physical and psychological, and yes financial support to their children. Normally forever. Your eldest appears to not need you for any of the former, you still need to supply the latter. You appear to dislike your child, which is horrible. Do you want to attempt to have a positive relationship in future? Do you know why a 14 year old chose not to see you?

Op, I agree that both divorced parents should contribute to a child at uni. I am the resident parent but it wouldn't occur to me that it would all be on the non resident parent to provide money.

He doesn't care, he just doesn't want to have to pay anything towards his own child. He clearly sees it as a purely transactional relationship, which probably explains why his wife dumped him.

£400 a month is actually nothing for a teenage boy. They cost more than that in food alone.

An ATM? Oh dear, got all the lingo haven’t you?
Christ, what cuntlike behaviour.