Am I unreasonable to refuse direct financial support for my eldest?

[AnOn2909]

So I have 2 children, we divorced when the eldest was 14 (now 18) the youngest splits their time btn parents (CMS is being paid). The eldest decided to stay with the other parent in the family home and has had minimal contact with me since 2-3x a year. Divorce recently finalised and home is now being sold. University is on the horizon and I’ve been asked to provide eldest child with funds. They believe it’s fair that as CMS will stop I should continue paying the same amount in funding (£400-£500 pcm), directly to eldest child. Am I being unreasonable saying no.

I can’t continue to afford the amount they have told me I should pay. I was willing to contribute & match the other parent until they essentially demanded that the current CMS payment continued. Eldest child has also chosen to cut me out and I don’t wish to be used as an ATM.

Your attitude is poor op.

My parent split when I was 13. I chose to live with my mum, and my dad always held it against me. He eventually disowned me at 16 and i haven’t seen him since.

You split with their dad, don’t put them in a situation where they are in the middle.

The affordability issue and relationship issue are 2 separate things I think.

Tough luck, you are still a parent, it doesn’t end when they turn 18. If they’ve cut you out you’ve obviously played your part in that. It’s not your kids fault that your relationship broke down with their other parent

You aren’t under a legal obligation to finically support your adult child (pp was incorrect about loan funding - it’s based on the income of the parent who actually supports the child at home, and they are the ones expected to make up the shortfall - absent parents are rather ludicrously off the hook). You clearly think they are an arsehole and have no interest in a relationship with them so you are entirely within your rights to ignore them. Legally - obviously. Socially it’s just absolutely weird.

You are making your relationship with your child transactional. You need to separate doing the right thing from your feelings of being rejected. They are so young, they have their whole life ahead of them and university broadens the mind. They will change a lot over the next decade.

What I would do is keep paying the same amount, directly to the child and send them a friendly text every six weeks or so, just to say hi, even if they don't reply. Send birthday messages, etc. Just to keep communication open and allow them to build trust with you.

No child cuts contact with a good, loving parent. I’m sure you have some narrative about how you have been turned against and vilified wrongly, but the fact you are considering not supporting your child through university would suggest you haven’t been the best parent you could be.

You have a choice here, either be the parent you haven’t yet been, or waste money on lawyers to further prove your inadequacies as a parent.

It’s based solely on the other parents income. It’s not an amount I can continue to afford to pay. I was willing to contribute but they have demanded the same payment should be made. I offered to match what the other parent pays that’s not good enough apparently.

This is just you being petty. If you want to reduce the amount you pay then do so. All you need to do is say, this is what I can afford at the moment and I'm happy to help out, please send me your bank details (the child, not the parent). Then do it. That's it. You don't need to communicate with the other parent over this, just support your child.

I disagree with all the other posters. This is an adult making financial demands on another adult, even though they dislike them enough to never see them. It doesn’t even sound like there’s politeness involved, just entitlement.

All this “you reap what you sow” business… Yeah, the adult child is reaping the financial hardship as a result of their decision to cut out their dad.

You could still pay the reduced amount though, as you know it’s the bare minimum you should do. Having a strop and saying you won’t contribute anything now is totally wrong.

Jesus - do you honestly need to ask? I can see why you might have ended up divorced.

That’s a very black and white view to take, there may be many reasons why a child chooses to cut out their parent.

My brother didn’t see my mum for a few years after the split because of her behaviour, and because both parents were acting terribly, using us kids as weapons against eachother. It was easier to not to be in the middle.

Remember op’s child made this decision when they were still a child.

Specifically what do you mean by “willing” and “demanded”?

Willing to contribute what? 50% of costs? 50% of difference between loan awarded and max loan? 50% of accommodation plus £20/week pocket money? Were the specifics of the willingness verbalised or was the willingness just in your head and you are cross at lack of mind reading?
Demanded with menaces? Demanded with legal threat? A text saying “you part of uni costs is £x?”
Will the kid still have a bedroom at home provided by the other parent or is she fully moving out? Ie is the other parent meeting those extra costs.

What was your anticipation with a child approaching university age? What did the discussion sound like 4 years ago when you were all living together? Was there an expectation as part of the divorce that support would continue through education?

I fully agree.

Let’s hope you don’t need anything from your kids in your old age! Not their responsibility is it.

The fairest way of doing it is to calculate the difference between the loan they will get and maximum possible and pay half of that difference each so they have the equivalent of maximum loan to live on. It is the responsibility of both parents to support them, and I say that as someone whose ex has left it completely up to me in all respects.

The young adult is only just 18 and their dad left when they were 14. They may well have built up some resentment and we don't know what they witnessed or why they feel that way.

But they are still young and will grow older and wiser over the years. It's possible to rebuild the relationship but OP, being the adult, needs to take the high road and be mature with his emotions.

As the young adult matures, they may well realise that dad was there, dad did help, dad didn't just abandon me because I was being a brat. He does love me.

I'm going against the majority here. If the 'child' (actually an adult) doesn't want to see you but thinks you should pay them £500 a month they're in cloud cuckoo land.

Their maintenance loan for university is based on the household income of where they live, in this case, the other parent. The shortfall is considered to be the responsibility of the household of where they live. That would also include the income of any step parent living there. It might not be fair but that is how it is worked out. I personally think it should be based on both parents, not household.

However, my son gets minimum maintenance loan which doesn't even touch his accommodation, he is between £2k and £3k short and then he needs food, to survive.

So no matter how you feel about being cut out you should at least be prepared to pay some money toward his university costs. Maybe not the full CMS amount as that was based on them being the responsibility of their parent. The adult now has access to the maintenance loan and the opportunity to work whilst at uni and I believe around 60% of them do.

This may also be a case that they learn to live within their means and if they want more then they work for it themselves whilst at uni, over summer and breaks. Mine had 4 weeks at Christmas break, 5 weeks at Easter then basically 3-4 months off over summer.

I can see why you are reluctant to support them, this is a case of putting one hand out for cash whilst giving you two fingers with the other hand. Why should we allow adult children to treat us like we mean nothing and then say here you go, have this money?

Im assuming most on this thread have a lot more money than me! My eldest DC didn't go to uni but both were told if they did then they would have to get the loan & a job & pay for it themselves. I dont have spare money to 'fund' my dc through uni & most others dont either.

Of course if you can easily afford to support them through then that would be great but I dont believe you have to, especially at your own financial detriment.

All of my dcs friends who did go (not many to be fair), have supported themselves & been grateful for a parental top of of an occasional £50 here or there.

@AnOn2909 is the Dad

YANBU. You don't get to cut your parent off then stick your hand out for money.

They can't have CMS payments, the clue is in the name. It's child maintenance and they are now an adult.

Just be careful. I was this kid. I am now no contact with my dad because he kept putting everything else before me. Him stopping the money at university was just another piece of evidence that he didnt care

I can see why your child thinks you should contribute more than their other parent, as presumably they'll be staying there in the (long) uni holidays. And as you're paying CMS at the moment, I can also see why they think it's reasonable for you to continue to pay the same amount. But obviously if you can't afford it they can't force you.