Am I unreasonable to refuse direct financial support for my eldest?

[AnOn2909]

So I have 2 children, we divorced when the eldest was 14 (now 18) the youngest splits their time btn parents (CMS is being paid). The eldest decided to stay with the other parent in the family home and has had minimal contact with me since 2-3x a year. Divorce recently finalised and home is now being sold. University is on the horizon and I’ve been asked to provide eldest child with funds. They believe it’s fair that as CMS will stop I should continue paying the same amount in funding (£400-£500 pcm), directly to eldest child. Am I being unreasonable saying no.

If that's what you can afford, that's what you offer to pay. Demanding more sounds like extortion from the ex-wife.
They can either accept what you can afford or they can refuse it. That's on them, not you.

You'll still be paying CMS for the other chid also, correct? May I ask how much that is?

Your original post made it sound like you wanted to pay nothing. Thanks for explaining it further. YANBU to pay what you can afford. It sounds like the ex is a miserable person out to continue to punish you. Is there a reason for that? Did you do something to make her miserable or was it a consensual divorce?

I just don't understand why they are seemingly trying to punish you.

He never said that at all. Lying is never helpful to any discussion at all.

In fact, he HAS offered the child a certain amount of help, a generous amount in fact. It's just not enough for the greedy ex-wife and what I am going to guess is the parental-alienated child.

To me, it sounds like the ex-wife is enjoying quite a nice lifestyle on the back of the OP and wants it to continue.

Best respose on here!

But, it's perfectly reasonable and totally okay for the ex-wife to buy a house? They could rent and use that money to help their kid through uni, but hey, that's not HER job.

The hypocrisy from some posters is actually sickening and shows their true colors (which are not pretty).

Since that is NOT what the OP said, the lying is disingenuous at best and hypocrisy at its finest.

The ex wife can buy a house and not afford to give their kid as much for uni---Perfectly okay and what the poor woman should be able to do! I hope she can afford 3-4 holidays too and a good social life! from the biggest hypocrits in the world.

Ex-husband/OP I want to buy a smaller house than ex-wife can afford to buy so I can still give my child money towards uni, but not give as much as CMS. Mumsnet=OMG!!
Call the cops! OP should be in prison! How dare he not give the kid more than he can afford so the ex-wife can live in the style she wants! OMFG!!! What a horrible person!

@AnOn2909 You won't win on here. Mumsnetters actually believe that ex-husbands should live in a tent, if they have any housing at all and wear sack-cloth, no matter the reason for the divorce. The ex-husband is always wrong, even when the e-wife is a total crackpot and bitter as hell. Just as they assume the older kid doesn't visit you because of you and not because of parental alienation, which goes on more than 50% of the time.

That 200 with an added 200 from you and an added 100 from exwife would more than make up any shortfall and your child should have zero trouble. Are you sure that 200/month is still there to be used?

Being a cynic though, I bet the ex-wife wouldn't bother with her 100 though, because the child is more than covered between the 400/month.

I hope there is savings for the younger one too, though that should be easier since the older will be out of school and no longer getting subsidized.

What is your ex partner contributing to the uni costs?
Are they getting the support loan? I would suggest you sit down with ex and look at what your child will be getting total.
My DS is at uni and we pay the accommodation as the loan doesn’t cover it. He keeps the loan part which is . £150 a week which is plenty to live off as a student. Will do the same for DD.
This should be a joint cost for you and your ex partner and equally/fairly split taking all funding/ loans / financial status into account. This may mean that your current contribution is fair or it may be a bit high. I don’t think it would be fair if you are paying it all, they’re getting a full maintenance loan or your ex isn’t contributing. They would be getting a lot of extras spending money!
Don’t know the backstory though. Perhaps they don’t talk to you for a reason. Depends if you want to burn all bridges but I’d be wanting to provide a fair amount for all of my children. I also wouldn’t want to be giving them money they didn’t really need. ( Save it for them for later)

Why are you even asking this question? It’s your child. Why wouldn’t you pay for them through university.

Your assumption of misandry is so boring. That level of deep-seated hatred within you and searching for offence must be exhausting.

Erm, pot kettle on the assumptions part. You could at best infer that NotMajorTom has a degree of cynicism, but ‘deep-seated hatred within’ - bit of a stretch!

Can you afford to pay that amount each month? If you can then yes YABU if you can't then explain to your eldest why you can't support them at that level & agree to give what you can afford. Loans are given based on household income so it'll be based on your ex income not yours so if they're a high earner it's on them to contribute to living costs & you to give what you can afford.

Nope. You have to hold some deep seated hatred to comment on the post of someone who supports the OP assuming they are a women and just assume her view would be different if she thought the OP was a man. I mean where does that even come from??

I don’t think they were assuming that the poster karinahh would have a different view, and were commenting on their perceived view of how posts are received based on whether they are from a male or female OP. They may hold this view due to simple pattern recognition or equally possible, but hardly equally probable, is that it stems from a deep seated hatred of women.

I think we will have to agree to disagree.

It has less to do with deep seated hatred and more to do with having been on Mumsnet long enough to know that a woman, in a position to buy a house following a divorce, would never been told that they were selfish to do so, and that they should continue to rent in order to give their adult child more money than they could otherwise afford, to support them through university.

It’s not hatred, simply observation.

My position is this: drop the ATM type comments and the resentment.

Work out what you can afford, given the government guidelines, and offer that.

Be calm, reiterate you love your dd/ds to them, want to support them at university, and are happy to help in other ways like taking them there, supermarket shops, meals out and general emotional support.

You don't need to pay for a relationship, but there is a lot you could be doing to enhance the relationship which is not about the money (you have to pay some of the money, but not what others 'demand', but be calm and kind about this).

I think it's the least you could do, considering you don't provide much else for your child. They must have a reason for barely seeing you. Why is that?

Parental alienation perhaps?

Are you ok?

😂 The irony!

This is my situation, but the other way round ie i am the resident mum and my ex dh the non-resident dad. He was also the one who didn't see his child (his choice). He was the one who stopped his payments as soon as he could ie when she went to Uni. It's wrong, it stinks. It hurts the child/YP and it's hurtful because it sends a message that you have done with them. You should never be done with your own child. It's not that you can't support them, it's that you choose not to help them. Uni is expensive, why should one parent bear the brunt. Support your child financially please.

I had such a bad relationship with my father before I went to uni that I didn’t even consider asking him for any money.

Perhaps be thankful your child still wants you in their life and you haven’t completely f@ck3d things up?

Possibly unpopular opinion. No, I don't ever think it's unreasonable to spend your money how you choose to. It's your life and you will know more about your circumstances and reasons for not being immediately willing to contribute. I'd be suggesting loans and part time jobs. If you can compromise and contribute a little, then that would be something. But it is your money and your life. Also: uni just isn't at all the only way to have success. Not even close.

You only “need” to buy a house so you can dispose of assets so as not to be in a position to support one or both of your kids. Honestly, you sound just like my father (except he was meant to pay for support through tertiary education but never did), and I now haven’t seen or spoken to him for 20 years. You obviously don’t like your kids or want them to succeed in life, so just cut them off and keep the money - seems everyone would be better off.

So you don't need to buy a house so by the time you retire you aren't paying out rent out of a pension