Am I unreasonable to refuse direct financial support for my eldest?

[AnOn2909]

So I have 2 children, we divorced when the eldest was 14 (now 18) the youngest splits their time btn parents (CMS is being paid). The eldest decided to stay with the other parent in the family home and has had minimal contact with me since 2-3x a year. Divorce recently finalised and home is now being sold. University is on the horizon and I’ve been asked to provide eldest child with funds. They believe it’s fair that as CMS will stop I should continue paying the same amount in funding (£400-£500 pcm), directly to eldest child. Am I being unreasonable saying no.

Yes you are being U. My ex stopped paying child support but paid both our kids an allowance directly to them at uni. Don’t be an arse. .

If you can’t afford the same send what you can genuinly afford (direct to kids).

Yes you are being unreasonable. Why don't you want to continue to support your own child while they are in education?

I am a divoce solicitor and this is a common issue.

Courts rarely order CM fir higher education.

The £500 a month asked for does not represent a fair proportion of the cost of a chi;d at University. Look at their outgoings and see what loans or grant they are eligible to receive. See what the shortfall is and perhaps offer to pay a fair proportion towards that. Half would seem reasonable with the other parent paying the other half.

And whatever you pay, make sure you pay it direcct to the child.

Many years ago, I was the child in this scenario. The divorce was acrimonious, lots of issues between the parents. We lived a long way apart, like over 4000kms. I saw very little of my father. A cheque would arrive for my birthday each year (thanks to his secretary who purchased the card).

Amazingly, mum never said anything really negative to me about dad, but of course I picked up the vibe. Felt loyalty to mum etc, but I was a child.

One of the good things that I remember, when I went to uni, he didn't say he was proud of me, but he did come through with a decent weekly contribution direct to me (not through mum) and it really made a difference and I really appreciated it.

If you want to keep the door open for the future, for a time when they can more reflectively look back at their relationship with you, I'd be continuing to contribute now.

Have a look at the university boards here. I'd say somewhere between 80-100 a week would seem reasonable. Most parents need to top up loans, pay for phones and sports clubs, rail tickets home etc, all sorts of little extras.

Also, think about their course, if it's something like medicine, or something with a lot of contact hours, then this will affect their ability to work during the semester too.

I think it's good that the other parent has already said to send it straight to your child, at least you know where it's going.

Why do you assume fathers? OP didn’t mention what parent they are.

Is it because of the twatty way they are talking? Maybe we just think twats should pay. Non-twats obviously already do if they can.

To be honest depends on her needs atitude and what the other parent is doing . I’m a massive advocate when it comes to supporting your children no matter what but £500 is a lot of money to pay to what I consider an aduit . Will the other payment pay £500 too ? So this uni kid will be getting £1000 a month ? Can they get a loan maybe ? Will they be working or have been working too ?

Yes it’s your job to support your child, but when they’re an actual child!!!

this child is now an adult, therefore you're not legally obliged to finance them.

just because you have a child, it doesn’t mean you finance them forever, it stops when they’re an adult unless you wish to support them.

many people don’t have financial support from parents when they go to uni, they get a job and support themselves.

i certainly wouldn’t be supporting an adult child who I didn’t have any contact with, they just see you as an ATM, I’ve seen this happen numerous times before.

Our child is leaving for university soon. We aren’t using that as an excuse to increase our personal expenses.

6k a year to your university student isn’t much. If you don’t want to contribute that much, decide what you think is reasonable and give that amount.

Your attitude in these posts makes it pretty clear you don’t want a better relationship with your child. It’s not about the money really. It’s about working with your young student to see a budget and discussing finances openly. This should be a conversation.

Why should the OP support an adult child who decided to cut contact?

This post is pointless, your mind seems made up, you don't answer questions and you just keep defending what you're doing to do. So do what you want.

I think the main question is whether you would have supported your eldest child at university if you had not got divorced and whether you plan to support your youngest?

My parents did not support me financially in any way at university and when I was home during holidays I was expected to pay keep (was about £200 a month)

Myself and all my friends had part time jobs from when we were 16 and continued throughout uni and that was how we supported ourselves (alongside student loans). So I am always somewhat confused by the expectation on Mumsnet that parents support their kids at uni as I have never known this to happen in real life personally.

You would be foolish to do anything that risks permanently shutting that door.

You need to love your child and want to support them even when you arent getting anything back.

You should look at what you can contribute and do that.

@AnOn2909 why does your oldest child have such low contact with you?

Why bother posting if it’s corroboration not advice you want? You’re choosing to go into a house that means you can’t afford to help your eldest. You seem a bit bitter and like you want to punish them for not having much contact with you. Your comments re being an ATM are misguided and childish and really does lend more empathy veering to the other side, as they maybe have a point. End of the day you’ll not listen to anyone here by sounds of it so you do you. Feel sorry for your eldest.

So you would support them if they saw you more than 2/3 times a year?

Or you wouldn't support them regardless of visits?

How do you know what the other parent has offered by way of support?

What triggered the loss of contact between you?

Unfortunately the loan doesn’t usually cover even accommodation costs let alone any food/books and all other living costs. Most students try to get a job but still need parental financial assistance. A job alone isn’t enough. There’s not enough jobs available for those that want them. Surely you thought a bit about the future and tried to save a bit to help your children through University, like most parents try to do, even though it’s a struggle? This post is quite sad - was it really a surprise to you that they’d still need some help after they turned 18. I’m sorry the relationship isn’t good and I hope it improves.

CMS isn't based on the lifestyle you choose for yourself and you wanting to prioritise that over supporting your child. Your current contribution is likely 10% of your income. Buy a cheaper house. My ex dicked around like this. Guess what happened.

Nobody can insist on you supporting your DS at university, not by any amount. Even if you and your ex were still together, nobody comes to your door or sends you a bill. What people do is figure out what kind of support their DC need, and what they can afford. That's reasonable. What's not reasonable is divorced parents either laying down the law to the NRP, or walking off from their obligations with a whistle and not a backward glance.
Think about what's fair to your child, and do that.

Legally you don’t have to support your child at uni, but I would give to your eldest what you can reasonably afford each month.
Keep the channels of communication open between you and your child and only speak to your ex regarding matters about your 14 year old.
Times have changed but i chose not to go to uni, my sister did. We were brought up by a lone parent, who apart from doing a big food shop to send my sister back to uni and filling her car with fuel when she came home couldn’t afford to give much help.
My sister took out a student loan and worked part time in the evenings and throughout every holiday.
Many people can’t afford to give much help, so give what you can regardless of contact, because you are their parent and you want to help.

I do actually see your point. At face value it looks as though they want barely anything to do with you but are happy for your money now they are an adult. If the parent they reside with is on a relatively low income, your child will receive a decent maintenance loan, they can also get a part time job. They’ve chosen to cut you off effectively, and provided there isn’t a huge backstory where you’re an awful person then they need to survive without you.

This

Part of me thinks that if you have a child you should pay for them, it's your responsibility. But as a person who went NC with both parents, for different reasons, I don't and would never expect a bean as an adult. Which 18+ is technically but maybe not emotionally.
I suppose if the relationship with your child is salvageable it will help your future relationship to support through university.
Maybe because I've had nothing from my parents I do sometimes find it presumptuous people expect adults to fund their lives at 18+.

What amount DO you want to give your eldest child on a monthly basis while they go through university?

offer that to them? They won’t ignore you if you want the money, don’t go through your ex.

When did you go to university?

The expectation now is that parents who earn over a certain amount are expected to top up the minimum loan amount to the maximum.