Am I unreasonable to refuse direct financial support for my eldest?

[AnOn2909]

So I have 2 children, we divorced when the eldest was 14 (now 18) the youngest splits their time btn parents (CMS is being paid). The eldest decided to stay with the other parent in the family home and has had minimal contact with me since 2-3x a year. Divorce recently finalised and home is now being sold. University is on the horizon and I’ve been asked to provide eldest child with funds. They believe it’s fair that as CMS will stop I should continue paying the same amount in funding (£400-£500 pcm), directly to eldest child. Am I being unreasonable saying no.

YABU. A relative's dad did exactly this to her: cut off all financial support as soon as she started university. She now has no relationship with him at all (not for this reason alone, but it certainly showed his true colours). To the best of their ability, parents should provide financial support while their children are at university IMO. It's part of the deal of being a parent.

Split between both parents surely

Where do you live OP? This may affect your situation

Of course you continue to support your child.

Why can’t you continue at the same rate? If it’s because you were made redundant then I guess your DC is going to have to live with it. If it’s because you want to divert funds into a new place with a new partner then you’re an arse.

I’ve read the entire thread and I think looking for excuses not to pay, a genuine need of a child of yours, may be a significant clue as to why contact is limited.

Being a parent isn’t a responsibility that can just be dropped UNLESS you regard parenting as something you do for something you GET / ADORATION,
(rather than as a loving act unreliant on greater returns) 🤢

Excusing an unkind act on the actions of others and their lack of compliance is just (attempted) control & dominance showing. Surely university wasn’t a surprise to you???

YABU. You seem to think that now your child has reached 18 that you shouldn’t have to pay for them. Everyone who is able to should support their child through University even if the child still stops talking to them.
OP, when you say that you can’t afford it, do you mean you can’t afford it or you can’t afford it and have holidays/go out as well?
How did you manage before?

How much is the resident parent giving the child per month when they go to university? We gave £350 per month.

I’m presuming you aren’t going to give £5/600 a month and they give nothing?

“Matching” the other parent is a shitty way to manage it.

One because you should pay according to your means and two because if you both pay £250 pcm, mum is likely picking up the bill for food during the lengthy holidays; travel costs to and from uni, the extras to set up the room, the “big shop” at start of term, new clothes, phone bill and all the other bits and pieces that come with supporting a DC through uni

Based on the fact that you said you were willing to keep contributing and match the contribution of the other parent, I don't think that you are being unreasonable.

Who has the suggestion that you keep paying the same amount come from, your ex partner or your child? Personally I think they are just trying to take the piss.

If parents, separated or still together, can't afford to to contribute much to their child going to university then the child will just need to do what thousands of other uni students do and get a part time job. If you don't have the money then you can't just magic it up.

Pay what you can afford to directly to your child, explain that you can't afford to keep paying the CMS amount to them but you can pay X amount and ask for their bank details. You could also offer to provide ad hoc support if you can.

This is a key point

He's already said he wants to punish his child.

Separate issues. Forget the other parents 'demands'. You clearly felt it was reasonable to continue to contribute to your child's upkeep - so do that, even if it is for a lower amount than requested. Support should be unconditional, especially at this age - work on rebuilding your relationship, instead of punishing them for not having a relationship with you.

I worked part time at university.

Everyone I knew worked part time.

My parents paid for my transport/food etc, still bought me clothes and gave me money towards my social life/holidays, but they certainly never “paid” me a monthly amount.

If I had stopped speaking to them, and was chosing not to see them, I wouldn’t have expected the above arrangement to continue. Because why would it? I certainly wouldn’t be expecting £500 per month from them in that situation.

The entitlement is crazy.

It's up to you, you aren't legally obligated to support your child through university as you were to support your child until 18 yrs old.
But ,i can't for the life of me understand why you wouldn't if you are able.
Why don't you want to?

Hi @AnOn2909

What was agreed in your Financial Settlement?
Was there any provision made for financial support for the children post-18, for further education or training?

It doesn't sound like there was.

So it doesn't matter at all what your ex thinks is "good enough", or what she is "demanding".

So it's about:

• whether you want to support them financially at all through Uni
• how much you can afford to pay.

You chose to marry and have two children. The marriage failed and ended in divorce, this was not your DC's choice. You may currently have a very dysfunctional relationship with your eldest DC, but this might change in the future as they mature and are able to appreciate your side of things.

Many students take p-t jobs whilst studying, and work through most of their Uni holidays to help fund themselves, as well as taking a student loan. So your DC has options...

I personally would pay what I could afford, and keep the communication channels open.

Yes absolutely unreasonable

Because once our house is sold I will be buying a property as I have rented the past few years. I will have a considerably larger mortgage due to equity I will get from the family home.

Well you need to cut your cloth, and that might mean buying a smaller house.

If you bail out now, you will lose your relationship with your child.

We all make sacrifices to support our children through university - that's how it works these days.

The other parent tried to get this added in the judge said no. As the judge did with every other request they made. The judge made a point.of saying how unreasonable the other parent was and awared less than I had offered them.

I’m happy to contribute but won’t be used as an ATM. The idea that I should pay as per CMS is frankly ridiculous.

What do they actually need? I agree it’s probably about £11k a year to live on in many areas
Will they get a full loan on mums income or does she have to top up?
Will they get a bursary?
Are they going to be able to get a job - in many areas this isn’t likely as there are far fewer jobs for students than there used to be
What is the shortfall to have a decent uni experience - it would be fair to split this shortfall proportionally according to income with your ex
Legally the loan is on her income and you can pay nothing - morally is another matter.
I have always made financial sacrifices for my dc - for many years it didn’t feel they appreciated this but they grew up and now are super appreciative of everything I’ve done for them. I wouldn’t judge my dc by how they were between 14-18 that was probably when they were hardest work.
Maybe direct support could be a new start?
Why not reach out to your dc and have a conversation with them direct about their loan amount and rent etc. Show an interest in their plans.

I would suspect £400-500 pcm is the whole shortfall not just a share so it’s not unreasonable to question the figures but the principle of helping shouldn’t come as a surprise you’ve had 18 years to prepare for the possibility they may go to uni.

Why bother asking us if you're not going to contribute anyway.

Hope you enjoy spending that money on yourself and having no relationship with your eldest.

Most parents will support their children to some extent through university.

Most parents can have a conversation with their children about this. You are clearly very angry at your ex and at this child. You still want to highlight you are right and they are wrong.

if you can’t sit down and talk about what is reasonable and if you carry the tone you are showing here then I suspect you won’t have a relationship in the future with this child. That’s very sad.

A lot of parents can't afford to give their child money once they're an adult; lots of people grew up expecting to start paying their parents some contribuition towards board at 16. or 18, and certainly didn't expect to get money once they were an adult. It's unfair that parental earnings are taken into account for 18 year olds going to uni, because some parents can't or won't fund their child. And the world is much harder for young adults these days-uni is getting more and more expensive, with less and less chance of a guaranteed good job at the end, and even part-time student jobs aren't as easy to come by.
So weigh all this up, and think what you feel is right. If your child ignores you for no reason, well they're an adult now, and are making their choices. But could the other parent have poisoned their mind? Maybe accused you of breaking up the family, even if you didn't? If so, is it fair to blame a young person, maybe still very upset about their family?

Well you legally don’t have to contribute anything, but if you can and you don’t want to further damage the relationship then maybe do so. I don’t think it should be the full CMS amount, but what you can afford.