How to handle wedding plans with ongoing contact issues over the children

[doodleanddiablo]

Looking for advice! I’m getting married next year. I have 2 children and my partner has 4, two adult girls and 2 younger children 8 and 10 from a different relationship. Their mother is very difficult when it comes to contact. Dad had to get a court order to see them outside of her home, and she currently won’t allow overnights or holidays so another court application is in process. There are no genuine concerns, she won’t give a reason and just seeks control and to hurt dad.

I don’t imagine she will be happy when she finds out we’re getting married (they spilt 4 years before we met so nothing to do with me) and I think she will try to stop the kids coming or make it so difficult with arrangements that it becomes impossible. How do you navigate this without putting the kids in a situation where they end up being really upset and missing their dad’s wedding? Their 2 older half sisters will be there along with my two daughters who they love. I want all girls to be bridesmaids and the son to be groomsman. We already have to hide family holiday pictures so they are not upset they were not there.

You don't mention their roles to them and hope for the best. If it comes off, they do it. If she's a dick and doesn't let them come, you give them a mini role as soon as you see them after the wedding. Not much else you can do really.

Well, he should have court ordered contact where she must produce them for his contact time. It’s obviously many years since they split and he’s never had an overnight with his children because he never got around to sorting it out? They need a contact schedule, he needs to turn up, do all the parenting, send them back well fed with clean clothes, all that normal stuff, and document every time she refuses to produce them for contact. She sounds like a nightmare, sure. But how interested is he if he’s barely seen them away from her house for most of their lives?

I would do that first. He can’t go from no overnights to suddenly they’re with you for the weekend of your wedding. Then once they are adjusted to the new routine and spending weekends with you, you plan your wedding on your weekend.

@mindutopia he does have court ordered contact which is not overnight yet. The order states that we can only have overnight when we have purchased a bigger house with a bedroom for them. My partner lost his job and was paying £3k a month spousal support so we unsurprisingly haven’t moved house! She’s refusing holidays because the barrister didn’t put that in the order. Something she should have advised him on but didn’t unfortunately. So she won’t budge without us going back to court. We won’t be asking for them overnight at the wedding, but I think she will make it very difficult to have them there at all. It’s so hard because we’re trying not to put the kids in the middle of this but at some point we have to tell them it’s not us, it’s their mum stopping them.

Just to add she never goes against the court order, but if she thinks someone else will be driving the children home on our wedding day she will probably refuse. She won’t pick them up or meet someone halfway etc. it’s a 2 hour round trip so obviously my partner won’t be doing that on our wedding day.

@Lifeisexpensive its not just the roles on the day, it’s the wedding it’s self. We don’t want to put them in the middle of a high conflict parenting situation, but we also want them to understand we really want them there.

Is such a big wedding really necessary? I couldn't imagine planning a wedding when half of my children might not be able to go. Especially when he's already been settled (if not married) at least twice before. Extremely unfair on the kids and he should really putting them first.

Bear in mind that you will be busy at your wedding, so who will care for them? They cannot be left to run around with a large party of people who have been drinking, who they do not know. There is a safeguarding risk.
If you intend to apply to the courts, work out who will be responsible for keeping an eye on them, putting them to bed when they are tired etc, in advance.
My ex who drinks a lot wanted our 5yo ds at his eldest daughter's wedding. Ds would have been the only child there among 120 adults, no provision had been made to care for ds, and ex and the bride and groom all drink heavily. Unsurprisingly I said no because it wasn't safe.

I hope you get it sorted and have a lovely day.

Get the court situation sorted first before you get married

Personally, I would hold off on the wedding until you have a bigger house and can give them the extra space. Or have a small registry office wedding for legalities and then have a bigger wedding when you can have them overnight.

wow some of these comments are crazy. We shouldn’t have a nice wedding because we’ve done it before? It’s 2026🤦🏻‍♀️

We don’t want them overnight at the wedding for all the reasons mentioned above. They would be going home at 7pm latest. They have 2 half sisters there that are both over 18 and also my 2 daughters who they are very close to who will be 13 and 15. They also know lots of family members there and will have the best time.

These children will be 9 and 11 next year so it’s not like they’re toddlers. This is just to navigate them actually coming to the wedding nothing to do with overnight stays or court. I only mentioned that to give an idea of the person we are dealing with. If she says no, then do we tell them that’s why they can’t come? I’m not going to cancel out wedding plans because his ex wife wants to be difficult. Would you really let a bitter ex ruin your wedding plans?

@AgnesMcDoo unfortunately I really don’t think that will make any difference. We don’t want them to stay overnight at the wedding, we would arrange for family to take them home. We already have a court order but if she says no there isn’t anything we can do. The worry I have is how the kids will feel about not being there

@Meadowfinch they will be 9 and 11 and have adult sibling there along with plenty of family. They will also be going home in the evening, before anyone has had much to drink.

This has nothing to do with the fact it's 2026 and everything to do with the fact that you're trying to plan a wedding knowing fully well that 1/3 of your combined children won't be able to attend. So no I don't think you should be having a wedding until he sorts all that out.

How much are you spending on this wedding? Surely buying the bigger house so his kids can stay overnight needs to be prioritised?

@ThejoyofNC that’s an interesting take, I really wasn’t expecting your reaction. What kind of wedding do you think is appropriate for someone who’s been married before? Do you think our other 4 children, along with me and my partner are wrong to want to celebrate and enjoy a wedding after 5 years together? You wouldn’t do that because you’re a better parent who loves their children more? You’re superior for never making a mistake? Really curious to know what your opinions are based on.

Yes I think it's wrong to want to celebrate if all of your children cannot attend. That is what my opinion is based on.

We are very much planning based on all the children being there. But from past experience this person wants to make life as difficult as possible. This isn’t going to change anytime soon or with any court order. We won’t put our lives on hold anymore because of one persons behaviour. We will plan a lovely day with full intent to include them in it. That’s our choice and if you don’t like it that’s ok, it’s not your wedding.

if you’ve got any experience of dealing with this kind of person and how we might be able to make sure they can attend the wedding I’d like to hear that, if not please don’t bother replying with your negativity and misplaced judgement.

The logistics are going to be nigh on impossible unless you start having them overnight. Why not postpone until this is sorted o etc you have the house? Or have a low key ceremony then a ‘proper’ wedding when you can involve all of the kids. Unfortunately this is one of those situations where you might need to put the kids first.

I don't know why you're attacking me when others are saying the same thing. Surely you can't allow your first move as a blended family be to have such an occasion without everyone present?

I understand you don't want his ex to dictate what you can and can't do but unfortunately that's the reality of blended families and that's what you're signing up for by marrying this man.

I’d also be interested to know how much this wedding is costing, when surely the priority would be to have a house big enough for all of your children? Particularly as overnight access depends on it?

Sprry, but I do agree that the wedding wouldn't be my priority at the moment. Not because you've been married before, just because it doesn't seem like the most sensible time.

Thanks all. I will carry on with our plans and speak to our solicitor about getting the wedding added into the court order. I’m so excited to get married with our children being such a big part of our special day and then move house not too long after.

With a similar tricky situation in our wider family, the daughter in question knew her father was getting (re)married, but didn't know the date. Contact dates were set in stone by a court, so it was on one of her 'normal' weekends. She was a little younger, but would this be a possibility?

Yes it would be on their normal contact weekend, but I think she will do something to stop them attending. The only way around it is putting a specific clause in the court order and hoping for the best. It’s a real shame for the children. I could never interfere in my children’s relationship with their dad and his family. It’s so wrong.

Unfortunately we’ve been going through court hearings and legal proceedings for the past 5 years. It’s never going to be a good time. We are not going to put our lives on hold any longer because of this person. We deserve some happiness too. Fingers crossed she doesn’t stop her children being part of it but if she does, it’s not our fault or what we would choose in a million years.

Hope you have an amazing wedding, OP 🤩 x

I really can't imagine spending money on a wedding when the reason I can't have my DC is because I need a bigger house.