How to handle wedding plans with ongoing contact issues over the children

[doodleanddiablo]

Looking for advice! I’m getting married next year. I have 2 children and my partner has 4, two adult girls and 2 younger children 8 and 10 from a different relationship. Their mother is very difficult when it comes to contact. Dad had to get a court order to see them outside of her home, and she currently won’t allow overnights or holidays so another court application is in process. There are no genuine concerns, she won’t give a reason and just seeks control and to hurt dad.

I don’t imagine she will be happy when she finds out we’re getting married (they spilt 4 years before we met so nothing to do with me) and I think she will try to stop the kids coming or make it so difficult with arrangements that it becomes impossible. How do you navigate this without putting the kids in a situation where they end up being really upset and missing their dad’s wedding? Their 2 older half sisters will be there along with my two daughters who they love. I want all girls to be bridesmaids and the son to be groomsman. We already have to hide family holiday pictures so they are not upset they were not there.

My brother is happy to drive them home. They know him well.

The girl and boy share a room when they stay at her father’s (grandads) house. That’s ok for her!

He’s been unable to provide a home for them because he’s been paying thousands in spousal maintenance for 8 years. His income has halved in the last 3 years so we’ve been really unlucky financially. Things are starting to look up so we’re planning a small wedding and hoping to move in the next few years. I don’t agree that this is wrong.

The children have an amazing life because their dad has provided so well for them. Private swimming lessons, private tutoring, many holidays in uk and abroad. None of which would have been possible without his financial support. This has undoubtedly meant we have not been able to provide housing big enough. From your message you’re suggesting a 5 bedroom house is needed. So we just need to double our income and stop paying her, easy peasy 🤣

I can’t even read all the comments because I know how fucking ridiculous they’ll be.
Op, if the kids mom wants to use them as pawns to spite your partner and try and somehow have an element of control of your wedding day then that’s on her. We had the same sort of thing with our wedding, dsd was 13 at the time and my bridesmaid, her mom could not cope with this and kept saying every time she had a tantrum how she wouldn’t be going. She did come in the end and had a brilliant day. Just plan as if they are going to be coming.

This 👆👆👆

That seems to be our only option! I’m glad your dsd was able to come and be bridesmaid 🙂

You’re so right. I don’t think anything we do will help one bit. It just amazes me when parents behave in this way, the only ones who truly get hurt are their children.

She desperately hides her behaviour from the children, so I’m really hoping she decides to let them come because the alternative is they find out she’s stopping them. Which I don’t think she will want.

Congratulations on your wedding @doodleanddiablo

TBH the mother seems the type that she will always be unreasonable. You could get married next door to her buy a 10 bedroom house and it never be good enough.

and I agree with the comments regarding the double standards.

I am far from perfect, I assure you, and I am sorry for what you have suffered at the hands of your ex. I just think that you need to put the children first in this situation. You say their mother will be difficult regardless but at the moment it seems to be that the court won't order overnight contact because the children don’t have anywhere to stay (so not just the mother saying no). In your situation my priority would be moving house so the SC have a bedroom and going back to court, not pushing ahead with a wedding.

When you blend families in this way, especially if - as you say - the children are experiencing difficulties due to their other parents, you really need to prioritise the children over a fancy wedding. If getting married soon is really important, have a registry office do now and a party later. Otherwise, postpone the wedding until the housing situation is resolved and your SC can come and stay with their dad.

How do you know she’s prioritised the wedding over a larger house. How do you know how much they spent? How do you know she hasn’t been gifted the wedding

Honestly the best thing for everyone is to postpone the wedding and he needs to work on his relationship with his children and his ex partner. It takes a lot of hard work to get exes onside but it can be done. Otherwise I don't think you should marry until you are all able to put the children first, which it's obvious you are not able to currently . . .

Postpone untill when…

Read my post. It clearly says when.

If it’s a normal contact day why do you have to do anything different? Just don’t tell her it’s your wedding day? Tell the kids it’s later in the year so you can get dresses sorted. No drama?

@PrincessofWells what if the relationship with the ex can never be fixed

Fancy wedding?? Who said that?

We are planning to move house in the near future. The wedding doesn’t have any effect on that. As I’m sure you know moving is expensive and a mortgage is based on salary. Doesn’t matter if you’ve got a few thousand extra as a deposit, no good without the mortgage affordability.

And as I have said countless times, she won’t care what we do she will always find a problem unfortunately.

Ahh, the hysterical ex. They are much maligned . . .

Till all children are adults why cant the adults put the children first thry dont deserve this

So you're planning for boy and girl siblings to share a bedroom? A 5 bed house is hardly madness when you're going to be a family of 8.

Would you say the same if it was your kids who couldn't go?

My mother is well into her 70s and remains bitter to this day. You cannot control other people. Well, you can until they realise they’re being manipulated but than can take decades. These kids are unlikely to turn 18 and end up in a different situation.

Why is the wedding the priority and not using that money to get a bigger house to allow overnights?

They will be staying over once every fortnight so whilst they are under 13 yes they can share a room. When the time comes the youngest girl can share with one of my daughters. a 5 bed house in our area is very much out of our price range.

Include the wedding as a specific issue in the court proceedings. Be ready with a full plan for collection / drop off, who will look after them during the day etc. Then you can get it written into the Court order that their mum should allow contact on that day.

How much do you think I’m spending on a wedding?? A bigger house will be based on mortgage affordability. Whilst we have a huge court ordered spousal maintenance order in place that’s not feasible.

Thank you. We will do this and hope for the best.

Also not really a family of 8. Two of the kids are over 18 and have their own lives. We have 2 kids full time and 2 once every other weekend. So imo no need to max out on a mortgage and then not be able to afford school trips, holidays with kids etc. that’s madness

Too old in my opinion but that's your choice. Anyway why is he still not allowed them overnight if you've been living together for 4 years?