How to handle wedding plans with ongoing contact issues over the children

[doodleanddiablo]

Looking for advice! I’m getting married next year. I have 2 children and my partner has 4, two adult girls and 2 younger children 8 and 10 from a different relationship. Their mother is very difficult when it comes to contact. Dad had to get a court order to see them outside of her home, and she currently won’t allow overnights or holidays so another court application is in process. There are no genuine concerns, she won’t give a reason and just seeks control and to hurt dad.

I don’t imagine she will be happy when she finds out we’re getting married (they spilt 4 years before we met so nothing to do with me) and I think she will try to stop the kids coming or make it so difficult with arrangements that it becomes impossible. How do you navigate this without putting the kids in a situation where they end up being really upset and missing their dad’s wedding? Their 2 older half sisters will be there along with my two daughters who they love. I want all girls to be bridesmaids and the son to be groomsman. We already have to hide family holiday pictures so they are not upset they were not there.

You’re painting the mother in a very negative light, but clearly the court agreed your house isn’t suitable for overnight stays. She wants the best for her children, no need to take that as a personal attack.

Maybe your right. We will have to see how things go and as I said the girls will happily share.

We expected to be able to move to a bigger house with a bedroom for them. It was put into the court order that overnight access would start once a bigger property was bought. Unfortunately his career was massively impacted by new labour government policies and he has had to change career with a lot less salary. We also have spousal maintenance to pay which is based on his old salary.

🙄🙄🙄🙄

I would expect someone leaving an abusive relationship to fight to take their DC with them rather than prioritising their sex life.

I agree with others. Don't tell her or the DC the date you're getting married and just do it on their day with you. She can't sabotage it then.

Clearly many of these posters have never been through family court-the most insane ‘court’ system that exists….
can you challenge the spousal maintenance? That’s quite unusual for it to be granted for long periods of time where there are school aged children, even where one party is a high earner. Court normally now either doesn’t grant it or puts a time limit on it to give the lesser earning person time to get a job and they are expected to begin supporting themselves after which only child maintenance is (rightly) paid. Unless you are Jeff bezos or some such!

I agree with PP that it makes sense to sort the house situation out first. This will hopefully do away with any contact difficulties.

@doodleanddiablo First of all, I assume you are both working in order to be able to afford a house big enough to accommodate all of the children? That's your absolute priority. More than any wedding; fancy or otherwise.

He couldn’t have taken one of the kids could he? Given that the ex was pregnant with him or her. Jesus.
And five years of court proceedings is fighting for them isn’t it? It takes months and sometimes years to even get a court date-are you aware of this? Meanwhile the court usually suggests whatever the status quo has been remains in place as long as the kids aren’t in danger, (the bar for which is shockingly low) Chuck in some false allegations that you then have to work to prove are negative (hard to prove a negative isn’t it?), kids that are being alienated by the day, delays and mistakes from cafcass, running out of money, and whatever else might happen and it’s very easy to see how this situation has gone on so long whilst not necessarily being the right outcome for the children. Anyone who has been through it will tell you the same, Mum or Dad. The system is not fit for purpose at all.

Priorities are all over on this one!
House too small for his daughters to stay over, but you’re having a big wedding because you deserve happiness for a second time.
You want them there for the day, but not past 7pm, they're not wedding photos props like wedding arches and table centrepieces! I would also be saying no to anyone bringing my kids on a 2 hour drive home after they’re surplus to requirements, driver more than likely quaffed the toast drinks, arrival drinks etc

He has had 8 years to sort this. Plenty of abusive parents manage to gain 50/50 in that time, even with years of zero contact with the DC. He knows how to get the overnights, get his own place with bedrooms for his children. He is surely a higher earner given the SM. But instead he has prioritised moving in with his girlfriend and her kids.

And yes, I work within the process. I am aware of how everything works.

One of the reasons as to why I didn't date men with children after my divorce is that I knew, despite working, I'd be unlikely to be able to afford a house big enough to accommodate any more children (I had two already).

We went back to court 2 years ago to vary the spousal maintenance. He has paid her £300k over the last 7 years and she kept all assets and pension. Female Judge decided to base new amount on an average of 5 years salary. Which was about £70k more than he now earns. Plus 12 months of arrears based on the same salary that he doesn’t earn and has to pay for 3 more years until youngest goes to high school.

partner paid it for a year and desperately looked for a higher paying job. Went to several interviews but nothing came of them. Ended up filing for bankruptcy 6 months ago because we couldn’t even pay our solicitor debt. Now we are paying her £1000pm and she saying it’s still not enough. She takes home £2.5k from her job, her mum lives with her and pays rent, and she also has a second property that she gets an income from. We are expecting her to take us back to court once the bankruptcy is discharged.

As you say family court is a joke and I’m being vilified for getting married instead of buying a big 5 bed house. Try getting a mortgage when you’re still under a bankruptcy charge!!

You’re hilarious 🤣🤣🤣

Prioritise their sex life? Are you ok?

Yep it would be easier but I love him so here I am!

What would you call prioritising getting back on the dating scene over setting up secure accommodation for him and his children and getting a contact arrangement in place?

Yeah, you’re not though. Family court has no real framework, everything is at the judges discretion. Even our solicitors and barristers could not advise an outcome. You’ve got no idea how hard we’ve fought for these kids in the face of a system that’s against you and there is no justice. You can’t even appeal in the family court unless you think the judge hasn’t followed the law.

It’s called Covid!! She self isolated and wouldn’t let him see the kids and the courts were swamped. She then delayed mediation etc, etc and it took him 2 years to get to court. He wasn’t out shagging. What on earth 🤯

Surely even if his income has dropped with the sustained SM and the high payment now (surely he pays CM in addition?) he must be earning atleast £100,000 p/a? But likely more like £200,000?

No he’s not earning anywhere near that. Its a global agreement so includes CMS and spousal and you have to pay both even if you lose your job. It’s not used anymore because of how unfair it is! He was told not to agree to it by his solicitor and a judge, but he felt so guilty for leaving the kids and the rest is history.

He’s also still paying CMS for his one daughter who is at college. Plus they still need financial support for driving lessons etc. Right now the ex wife takes any spare income we have and the other children have to go without.

I would have prioritised housing over holidays, especially if that meant he could get overnights.

Was your partner using contraception for the unplanned pregnancy?

Are you planning on having DC together?

But usually that can be overwritten after 1 year. If his income has been substantially less for a long time and he hascnow been made bankrupt that would be taken into account at court. As a PP said if you've been enjoying multiple holidays and paying for non essentials this is a priority issue rather than a financial issue. Do you really want to legally tie yourself to this man?

We haven’t had holidays!! What’s the point of your personal questions? I think they’re completely irrelevant.