How to handle wedding plans with ongoing contact issues over the children

[doodleanddiablo]

Looking for advice! I’m getting married next year. I have 2 children and my partner has 4, two adult girls and 2 younger children 8 and 10 from a different relationship. Their mother is very difficult when it comes to contact. Dad had to get a court order to see them outside of her home, and she currently won’t allow overnights or holidays so another court application is in process. There are no genuine concerns, she won’t give a reason and just seeks control and to hurt dad.

I don’t imagine she will be happy when she finds out we’re getting married (they spilt 4 years before we met so nothing to do with me) and I think she will try to stop the kids coming or make it so difficult with arrangements that it becomes impossible. How do you navigate this without putting the kids in a situation where they end up being really upset and missing their dad’s wedding? Their 2 older half sisters will be there along with my two daughters who they love. I want all girls to be bridesmaids and the son to be groomsman. We already have to hide family holiday pictures so they are not upset they were not there.

@piscofrisco The house isn't currently big enough to house the blended family - courts said so - hence no overnights. So surely both parents wishing to blend should be working in order to facilitate this as an absolute priority?

If he is bankrupt is he paying any maintenance at the moment?

Right. Any relevance to her original question though? I’ve seen you ask what she does for work as well? Can I ask-what occupation can she give that will satisfy you?

give it a rest eh?

@piscofrisco Of course it's of relevance if she is working or not. Shows she is at least trying (alongside her partner) to house the kids appropriately so they can have overnights. Otherwise how does this look to the kids of the soon-to-be husband?

I never said a big wedding, you did, also my dad is paying for most of it. I can’t be bothered to keep going over the reasons we can’t move for a few years but it is what it is. There’s always 3 sides to a story, I’ve seen what she’s capable of and it’s not nice.

Yes. Current court order is for £2k pm (spousal and CMS) for another 3 years. It’s mental. I get £150 for my two kids, my ex is a busy full time driving instructor but doesn’t declare most of his earning so I also know that side of things. But it’s forced him into bankruptcy so we will see what the next judge decides is fair, which could be anything!

How does what look? That she has married their dad? I suppose to an 8 and 10 year old it might look like something quite nice and feel like stability in so much as they thought about it tangibly at all.

@doodleanddiablo Kindly, where is your financial responsibility to these children as their mum and stepmum?

@piscofrisco Or that by the two adults moving in together it has meant the husband's children can't have overnights.

No it hasn’t. Read the thread.

@piscofrisco
From the OP:
The order states that we can only have overnight when we have purchased a bigger house with a bedroom for them.

What a shitshow. Leaving his wife when pregnant. How vile is that. I wouldn't llet my children pose for you one big happy family wedding photos either. Talk about thick skinned.

If it were an ex husband trying to mess up his ex wife’s wedding, everyone would be up in arms saying how abusive and controlling he was being. There is always a double standard when it’s a woman causing the issue and/or a step mum asking for advice.

Agree.

It was also pretty amusing to see a pp describe the stepdaughters in question attending the wedding as “a safeguarding risk” 😂

Never in my life on Mumsnet have I ever seen anyone describe children attending a wedding as a safeguarding risk.

Yes I do work. Full time which consists of 22 hours PAYE and self employment on the side to top up my income as much as possible whilst doing all the school runs etc because my ex isn’t interested in his children. We work very hard but when a judge has decided you actually should be earning £70k more, and you have to start immediately paying it you’re in trouble. The bankruptcy agency couldn’t believe that a judge did that and said it’s one of the worst cases they’ve seen.

Do you know the best bit, ex wife had a big extension built on her house and overpaid her mortgage on her second home with all the spare money she had from her spousal maintenance. All whilst my partner had no income and was paying out of savings. The judge said it was the best thing she could have done with the money, but we shouldn’t have had meals out or days out with our other children, instead we should have saved all spare money so we can always pay the ex wife in hard times. That’s what the family court thought was fair. He was paying £3300 pm at that point.

Would that be the case if the OP said the court doesn't allow overnights and the OP sees their child once a fortnight? Or would posters suggest there is more to it?

Exactly this - at best OP has heard half a story.

🤣🤣 yeah well that shows how bitter you are. 8 years on and you’d still be upset? Why? Wouldn’t you prefer to live your best life and be happy instead of punishing your kids because your ex left your relationship years ago? Says a lot about that type of mum you must be.

Again. Read the thread. He never had them overnight did he? He saw them at his ex ‘s house, until he considered them old enough to see him independently, then asked for this, she said no and it’s been in court back and forth ever since.

We have no idea where or what size house the man was living before he moved in with OP.

@piscofrisco A decent dad has his kids overnights. Unless a court has a good reason to disallow this.

You’ll get a rough ride on here OP Mn hates blended families.

If kids are unable to attend the wedding I’d tell them the truth as to why.
Maybe you can also plan a really small ceremony (obvs unofficial) in the garden/on the beach or wherever with just you DH and all the kids, get dressed up then all have a party at home takes loads of pics so they are included in something.

It's bizarre to me that you're getting married when your partner has just been declared bankrupt, when 2 of your respective children can't attend the wedding (but 4 can), and when you can't afford a house big enough for the family you've created.

And who says blended families are anything but.

You say your dad is paying for the wedding - why would he pay for a wedding when your partner is bankrupt?

It's all topsy turvy.

It’s not that the court decided no overnights. Mother put the case forward in solicitor negotiations at court. My partner agreed that we don’t have the space currently for sleepovers. All contact was agreed with the barristers at court and the judge just rubber stamps it. there was no court hearing, but she pushed it all the way to court and backed down last minute.

We thought at that time we would be moving house but he lost his job. It’s really not what you’re assuming.

Unless a court has a good reason to disallow this.

Not true.

You’d be surprised at how long someone who refuses to comply with and co-operate can drag out these kind of matters in court.

Why wouldn’t he pay? He has they money and wants to help us

@doodleanddiablo I understand. So it was your partner who said no to having his own children for overnights?

I actually quite like OP - and feel sympathy for her.

But she wont see what we can all see until the fog has cleared.