How to handle wedding plans with ongoing contact issues over the children

[doodleanddiablo]

Looking for advice! I’m getting married next year. I have 2 children and my partner has 4, two adult girls and 2 younger children 8 and 10 from a different relationship. Their mother is very difficult when it comes to contact. Dad had to get a court order to see them outside of her home, and she currently won’t allow overnights or holidays so another court application is in process. There are no genuine concerns, she won’t give a reason and just seeks control and to hurt dad.

I don’t imagine she will be happy when she finds out we’re getting married (they spilt 4 years before we met so nothing to do with me) and I think she will try to stop the kids coming or make it so difficult with arrangements that it becomes impossible. How do you navigate this without putting the kids in a situation where they end up being really upset and missing their dad’s wedding? Their 2 older half sisters will be there along with my two daughters who they love. I want all girls to be bridesmaids and the son to be groomsman. We already have to hide family holiday pictures so they are not upset they were not there.

@ClaredeBear When parents divorce, who has the dc and when (known as child arrangements) are part of the divorce. So these are agreed and legally binding. It seems in this case, the DH to be could not accommodate dc overnight so the order specifies daytime visits. If the DH to be gets a larger property, he could apply for the child arrangement order to to be amended. These dc do see their dad but he hasn’t entirely accommodated their needs. If mum wax reasonable she could drop them off at the wedding and colllect then but that’s not going to happen. She isn’t going to make it easy but neither has the dad I’m not prioritising a bigger house. Two wrongs don’t make a right and do mess up the dc. He certainly left the mother when they were little if the timeline is accurate.

What a thing to type out and hit send.

What the fuck has that got to do with you?

Are you the reproductive police?

I don’t understand some of the comments - don’t know why people are telling you not to have a wedding.

personally I would get a court order that states every other weekend and then I would work out my weekends and make sure the wedding fell on a day I had them and that way she can’t stop them without being in breech of the order

I have considered not telling them about the wedding until the day itself but I think ex will find out through the older girls, and I don’t want to tell the kids to lie, it’s not fair on them.

You really did have a tough time growing up by the sounds of it. Which could all be so different if the adults put their selfish needs to one side and put the children’s happiness first. Step parents can have a huge effect on a child, good and bad.

My partner is more of a dad to my girls than their own ever has been. My daughter is having surgery this week and she’s asked for her step dad to be there because I faint sometimes so can’t do the cannula part! She didn’t want anyone else but him, and I will forever be grateful for that. I know it’s not always the case and I try to be a great friend to my step kids and make sure they’re always included and always welcome.

Having read this thread, all other bs aside.....

Could it more viable to extend current house or convert a garage/loft then move in the future?

It sounds cliche but I honestly think some of it is jealousy. They embellished and assumed things to suit their narrative and tried to spoil something happy for someone else. Very sad but fairly entertaining nonetheless!

we will do exactly what you’ve said and hope for the best. Unfortunately there will never be a good time, she will probably try to spoil it but we will do our best to stop that happening

Unfortunately not allowed to do any external changes as my home is shared ownership so I only own a percentage. We can either buy the other share once financially able to get the mortgage and extend or just move, which would mean kids can sleepover sooner.

Surely that should be revised now if your dp earn less? Why is he paying spousal maintaince? Is she disabled?

No she isn’t. It’s a court order so you have to get it varied or discharged. He went back to court because it was totally unaffordable and the changed it from £3300pm linked to CPI until youngest is 11, with a clause to extend at the end if her financial situation was to deteriorate. New order is capped at £2000pm no CPI. No clause to extend but also 1 year of arrears at £24k. He paid that for a year and ended up filing for bankruptcy brocade we couldn’t pay out bill, credit cards and solicitor debt.

you have to go back to court every time if your circumstances change and it’s expensive!! Crazy system but that’s how it works.

Thank you, this is useful.

Anyone assessed for spousal maintenance of £3300
pm must have had a useless barrister if it made them bankrupt. Of course some men spend like crazy and teeter towards bankruptcy. Very few divorces have spousal maintenance now because it’s not a clean break divorce. This should have been the aim and all spousal assets should have been declared and in the pot to split. Plus it’s recognised both parents need somewhere to live and accommodate dc. It’s crazy because it was ludicrous not to go for clean break in the first place and the maintenance would have been set at his earnings at the time. His ex has certainly got better representation in court.

Normally family homes are split and both parents seek suitable accommodation so both can have dc. It’s also odd in that the current house is the OP’s. What’s happened to the family home? Has the ex got that as well or is that going to be sold? The DH here needs a better barrister to get this sorted. Unless he’s just spent the marital money!

Many NR parents have DC overnight even if they don’t have bedrooms for them. See it all the time on here, especially from posts by step parents arguing they don’t need bedrooms for the step kids. Although I think you should provide bedrooms.

@sittingonabeach More evidence that the DH didn’t get good representation in court. He was assessed for £3,300 a month. On what earnings? Quite substantial I think. So what happened? Why didn’t he get somewhere else to live because judges want both parents to have a suitable home if possible. Dc should have a bedroom and a decent bed!

@Vivi0 Because if they aren't currently able to provide a big enough house for the kids they have now, surely they definitely don't want any more to makes things even more difficult?

The original court order upon divorce was not made in court it was done through solicitors. My partner wanted to pay for all living costs for her and the 2 children because she’d just had a baby and couldn’t be expected to work. He let her have all assets because he was very low and felt very gilt ridden. His solicitor tried very hard to dissuade him along with the judge that has to approval the order, who sent it back and said it was an unfair order.

He insisted he pay for her whole lifestyle which meant he was paying £4000pm for 4 years. He also paid £25k for a car when hers broke down about a year after divorce. He was silly but his heart was in the right place. Nobody here can deny he was doing anything to financially hurt his children.

He was earning very well then through government consultancy. When we met he had one year without any contracts and his earnings were £0. Because he was paying so much spousal his savings just about got him through. During this time his ex was really piling on the guilt and saying she would have to cancel kids clubs etc if he failed to pay in full. He started court proceedings and found out she was extending her property and she’d got herself a good job that she didn’t tell him about. Her income at this point was £6.5k a month after tax plus child benefit and rental income.

he bitterly regrets his decisions but he was in a terrible state mentally and just about survived it. We’re now trying to both move on from past mistakes and hurt and provide our children with a loving a safe family unit.

We are planning our wedding for next year and we are very excited! After what’s been the most stressful 6 years including my divorce during lockdown living with my abusive ex and all of the above.

You should so ashamed of yourself! You’re disgusting I hope you know that. Get lost

This is actually a great idea, thank you ☺️

How is it disgusting to say that?

@doodleanddiablo
Interesting that you're clearly so offended by the suggestion that your partner has a vasectomy. Why is that?
Personally speaking my husband did just that after his first (and last) was born as we knew realistically we couldn't have afforded any more.

You really find that interesting? You need a hobby!

@doodleanddiablo And I'm guessing more children are on cards.
All the best.

Haha ok.