How to handle wedding plans with ongoing contact issues over the children

[doodleanddiablo]

Looking for advice! I’m getting married next year. I have 2 children and my partner has 4, two adult girls and 2 younger children 8 and 10 from a different relationship. Their mother is very difficult when it comes to contact. Dad had to get a court order to see them outside of her home, and she currently won’t allow overnights or holidays so another court application is in process. There are no genuine concerns, she won’t give a reason and just seeks control and to hurt dad.

I don’t imagine she will be happy when she finds out we’re getting married (they spilt 4 years before we met so nothing to do with me) and I think she will try to stop the kids coming or make it so difficult with arrangements that it becomes impossible. How do you navigate this without putting the kids in a situation where they end up being really upset and missing their dad’s wedding? Their 2 older half sisters will be there along with my two daughters who they love. I want all girls to be bridesmaids and the son to be groomsman. We already have to hide family holiday pictures so they are not upset they were not there.

listen to who? There are various opinions here. Most of which don’t have anything to do with dealing with the controlling ex who doesn’t want her kids to enjoy a family wedding!

I’d want to meet the person and I’d judge from that. If my daughter was Middle Aged with her own past divorce and kids I wouldn’t expect her to meet someone without a past themselves. That would be pretty hypocritical wouldn’t it?

My ex is also a nightmare. My partner frequently steps in to stop him being abusive. Imagine if my partners family told him not to have anything to do with me, would that be fair? There’s plenty of single childless women out there, don’t saddle yourself with a woman with baggage?

Fair enough - you have to do you.

Yes they do. But in all seriousness if a massive act of your life was being decided in the next room, and you knew the person in that room would come directly out and tell you what happened anyway would you honestly not listen?

DH’s ex wife sat in a zoom MIAM meeting and denied til she was blue in the face that her new partner was sitting with her. The mediator had to point that she could see his reflection in the telly that was behind her in the shot. It was hardly a surprise tbh. If I’d been home I probably would have listened too 🤷🏽‍♀️

And is a bankrupt . . .

Oh I didn't read that bit?

You can't call people trolls just because they disagree with you. You want people to join you in calling his ex the wicked witch of the west who is taking all his money and getting in the way of your fairytale when it's very apparent that that isn't the whole story. This is obviously a very toxic situation in multiple directions.

So what? Do you know how many people end up with an IVA or bankruptcy? Consider yourself above all that do you? Most people are only a few payslips away from it. But it’s good to know you’re a super human 🙄

You aren't listening and you really should! People aren't being mean, they are trying to help.

@doodleanddiablo What do you do for work? Are you ft?

I think you’ll find I can and I did.

I don’t want anyone to say anything about her actually. I’m not bothered what a group of trolls think about her. I was merely looking for advice from anyone who’s been in a similar situation. Which I have received.

It’s definitely no fairytale. I would have bailed long ago if that’s what I was after! But I will have an amazing wedding day marrying a lovely man, hopefully with all 6 kids there enjoying their moment too.

Nah they’re not trying to help, but thanks. If they have something to say about personal experience of getting married with sc and high conflict exes involved I’m here for it.

Is this wedding related?

This is your circus OP - but people have tried to warn you.

I'm just not understanding the need to legally tie yourself to this man. There doesn't seem to be any positives for you. Whilst it will not impact your assets before the marriage it will impact your life going forward, and if you've been financially stable before then presumably your DCs inheritance too. You can have the life you live now (though lord knows why anyone would put themselves or their DC through it? conflict, zero holidays etc) without tying yourself to him.

@doodleanddiablo Yes. I suspect you don't, but want both a big house and a big wedding?

Wow.

Yes i was an insolvency practitioner for some years and I can honestly say it's my experience that its often people's poor choices that lead them into bankruptcy court.

You clearly need to step away to get some perspective on your life. Anyway good luck with it all . . .

Who said that?

@piscofrisco More than happy to stand corrected, however.

@doodleanddiablo

Apologies if I missed that bit - what is it you do for work? Because surely your joint priority is being able to afford to house your blended children appropriately? Definitely more of a priority than a wedding.

I can’t get over the amount of money you say he is paying! Yet whenever I speak to divorced mums they are barely getting a hundred pounds a month from cms, and I’ve only heard of spousal support from very rich famous families ! I honestly do not understand why you would organise a large wedding when you dont have a house big enough to accommodate all of the children, I know you state she will find another reason to stop your partner seeing his children, but you also said the courts agreed with her. I really think his priorities are skewed. I would love to hear the ex’s side! Your side, her side and the truth somewhere in the middle!

My partner is currently bankrupt so we can’t move house until we’re able to get a bigger mortgage. The wedding is being paid for mostly by my dad so it really has no bearing on the house move. It’s also not a big wedding! That’s what all the troll mums are assuming. I don’t want a big house because of this cost of living and mortgage rates, but we do need an extra bedroom for sc to have overnight stays.

Mother won’t allow them to come on a caravan weekend away with their own bedrooms currently, so who knows what reasons she will make up next! Not in the court order so apparently not happening.

Well she’s said about ten times that the wedding isn’t ‘big’ as a starter. And the house is a house that needs to be big enough for her, her partner and four dependent children to live in.
(same as we had to have actually and scrimped and compromised to get-so sue me). Why not read the thread instead of making horrible biased assumptions?

I suspect some people here would begrudge her anything more than a wedding that was 10 minutes in a registry office directly next to the ex wife’s house followed by a couple of sausage rolls at the bus stop and a house that was anything more than a porta kabin however-her being an already divorced mum, now a step mum and a soon to be second wife whose husband to be must be a fool/a reprobate/ abusive (insert your own assumption).

Honestly as women we can surely do much better than this?

@doodleanddiablo You still haven't said whether you work?