How to handle wedding plans with ongoing contact issues over the children

[doodleanddiablo]

Looking for advice! I’m getting married next year. I have 2 children and my partner has 4, two adult girls and 2 younger children 8 and 10 from a different relationship. Their mother is very difficult when it comes to contact. Dad had to get a court order to see them outside of her home, and she currently won’t allow overnights or holidays so another court application is in process. There are no genuine concerns, she won’t give a reason and just seeks control and to hurt dad.

I don’t imagine she will be happy when she finds out we’re getting married (they spilt 4 years before we met so nothing to do with me) and I think she will try to stop the kids coming or make it so difficult with arrangements that it becomes impossible. How do you navigate this without putting the kids in a situation where they end up being really upset and missing their dad’s wedding? Their 2 older half sisters will be there along with my two daughters who they love. I want all girls to be bridesmaids and the son to be groomsman. We already have to hide family holiday pictures so they are not upset they were not there.

Sorry, I understand now. The Mum has taken the DC on holiday. My point is that either you are lying about the full situation or your partner is lying to you about the full situation.

This is where you say you have holidays etc or is that via their mum?

If this is England or Wales, none of it makes sense. Spousal maintenance is very unusual, if not unheard of in low income divorce, plus him receiving nothing from the divorce and his wife having all the assets. And now a bankruptcy. Op either your partner is lying to you, or you are lying to us.

You need to take a long hard look at this situation.

Haha you’re so wrong. Funnily enough I have seen all the court papers including his original financial order, and I heard the final hearing for the variation which was via a zoom call. Nobody is lying. As I said above, this is what she wanted and he agreed because he felt guilt for ending the relationship and he was in the depths of terrible depression. We are trying to get a fair agreement for all involved, but as you can imagine she doesn’t want to agree. She wants money and control.

Spousal maintenance is very much a thing, especially for a high earner with an ex who has a baby to care for. Which is fair enough. She should definitely have been paid what she needed but not for 11 years. That’s why he was advised not to agree and the judge sent it back because it wasn’t a fair settlement.

Undoing it when you can no longer afford it is much harder than it should be!

If he was a high earner when the global finance agreement was signed then it’s not I guess. That’s like an agreement between ex partners and not done on a matrix. That’s where the op says the error was -he was advised not to sign it- it doesn’t take into account lost jobs etc. child maintenance doesn’t take into account the resident parents circumstances incredibly unless they re marry. So it’s perfectly possible if unusual to end up in this fix. With all that going on it’s not a shock that the partner here has got ground down. Throw in a court system that delays and delays and there we are. Could they have done things differently? Probably. Doesn’t change the situation they are in now.
Sad to say you won’t get much support here OP. Mumsnet is absolutely awful to step mums, or men with second wives…. I’ve never fully understood why…lots of women done over by men I suppose-as I was in my first marriage-but it’s needn’t stop people having the ability to recognise that some women behave terribly as well, and that not all step mums are the anti christ.

They have holidays with their mum, which she was able to afford because he pays her thousands per month in spousal maintenance. Think 2 x centre parcs and 2 x abroad in one year alone. Whilst we were struggling to pay our bills.

He sounds like a fool tbh . . .

And you sound lovely!

Agree Mumsnet is a terrible place if you’re looking for advice as a stepmum. I don’t get it either, maybe a lot of bitter women? Not sure but it’s completely out of order, the ex wife isn’t always innocent and all men aren’t guilty!

What do you mean? This is mumsnet, after all. OP’s husband should’ve never moved on and grieved his previous marriage his entire life. OP should let her husband’s ex dictate her life for eternity - the children come first, you know!

Noone has said he shouldn't ever move on. Court has been telling him to provide accommodation for his DC. We are saying that he should have prioritised that in the last 8 years, as a high earner.

You should never have been present to hear any family court hearing via “zoom call”… that is contempt of court.

You wont like my advice, but avoid this man like the plague.

Hahahaha get over yourself! I was in the next room in my own home. Good god you’re so sad.

Well at least you’re polite, unlike some. But I won’t be taking your advice anyway. He has his reasons and I think if you knew what his childhood entailed you’d be a bit more sympathetic. Imagine if we all judged everyone on their worst days, or their worst decisions.

No it isn't. This is the time to set the tone. If the ex thinks she can throw a wobbler and disrupt their plans now, it will continue like that. With a bully, you stand up to them and if that's not possible you ignore them and don't show they've got to you.

If the ex stops the kids attending the wedding, that's sad but it's not OP's problem.

I didn't expect you to take my advice, and nobody should be rude to you.

It's so hard to be impartial when feelings are involved (for all of us) but it doesn't sound good.

Best of luck op

There is no need to be rude. Family court hearings over zoom still have to be confidential and parties have to agree that they are in a private place where they can not be overheard and no other persons are present.

Not surprised she is being difficult. This man has 4 children by two ex partners and is now moving on to somebody else. Heaven help that anybody should spoil your hopes for a perfect life.

shhhh 🤐

You should call the police.

OP you should really listen, not for any of us - but for your own good.

It doesn’t sound good, but he is good and that’s a different thing.

Take yourself out the equation.

Lets pretend somebody told you they were getting married to a man who had two kids from one failed relationship, 2 further kids from another failed relationship, and was currently in a court battle with one of the mothers.

Now lets pretend the person telling you that is your daughter when she is old enough - what advice would you give her?