How to handle wedding plans with ongoing contact issues over the children

[doodleanddiablo]

Looking for advice! I’m getting married next year. I have 2 children and my partner has 4, two adult girls and 2 younger children 8 and 10 from a different relationship. Their mother is very difficult when it comes to contact. Dad had to get a court order to see them outside of her home, and she currently won’t allow overnights or holidays so another court application is in process. There are no genuine concerns, she won’t give a reason and just seeks control and to hurt dad.

I don’t imagine she will be happy when she finds out we’re getting married (they spilt 4 years before we met so nothing to do with me) and I think she will try to stop the kids coming or make it so difficult with arrangements that it becomes impossible. How do you navigate this without putting the kids in a situation where they end up being really upset and missing their dad’s wedding? Their 2 older half sisters will be there along with my two daughters who they love. I want all girls to be bridesmaids and the son to be groomsman. We already have to hide family holiday pictures so they are not upset they were not there.

Because his daughter is getting financially tied to a man whoa is bankrupt, perhaps?

Would what be the case?

Sorry, I don’t understand your point.

Absolutely not true.
Are most of you even aware that family court magistrates are often volunteer magistrates with no legal, child welfare, or even financial background? They have someone there to advise them on legality and that’s it.
it’s pot luck who you get and what background / emotional baggage they themselves bring to proceedings. It’s a total shambles of a system. And I say that as someone whose DH was awarded 50/50 ish in his case (albeit with some insane rulings re travel etc that made all
our lives untenable and have eventually led to major upheaval for us all).

You've said it would be different if the partner was a woman. I'm asking if you really believe that if the woman stated she sees her DC once a fortnight and has no overnights as she prioritised creating a home with her new partner as a high earner rather than housing her own children. I think the bar is much higher for women so this wouldn't wash at all.

I agree. Clearly OP is blinded by love and sees the best in people.

@piscofrisco Turns out in court actually father agreed to no overnights as "not enough space" in the house he'd moved into with his new woman.

What’s hard about this? He felt a baby and a toddler too young to come for overnights. Probably quite decent of him actually. So he saw them at their mums with their mum, until they were old enough to be away from her for the night at which point he asked for this and she said no, and he has according to op, been in court to get this ever since.
Their mum Has said they can’t come as they don’t have their own room. In this case court has agreed with her (which wouldnt be the case with all judges by the way-opinions vary on this wildly-my own step children were moved at one point to a one bed house with two adults and had to share a sofa bed), but said they can come overnight when op and partner have a house with a room for them. Which they can’t currently get (despite both working).

I didn’t say that.

I agreed with someone who made the point that if it were an ex husband who was causing issues around the wedding, that it would be viewed as controlling and abusive.

But why wouldn’t you use that money to put towards a house that can accommodate all the children in the family, I honestly just do not understand your priorities!

Shows what type of Dad he is more like. Four kids to two different women and now on to a third. Dumping wife when pregnant. Hardly a contender for Dad of the year. Ready to create havoc again.

I’m sure you’d think it great if he ripped a screaming baby from her mother’s breast would you? Get out of here.

Exactly. And if the resident parents wants to ignore parts of the court order, what realistically is going to happen to them? A judge isn’t going to jail a resident parent for it

@doodleanddiablo Personally a man prepared to leave a tiny baby for a new woman would have had me running in the opposite direction so never an issue.

I have sympathy with you @doodleanddiablo

You clearly are trying to look to the future and start your own chapter together as a new blended family. That must be something positive to hold on to during all of this negativity.

When I married my DH he had a nightmare ex who used to threaten suicide if we were planning on going on holiday. So I've been there and got the t-shirt. Luckily his DDs are adults now and truly wonderful big sisters to our own children. So it is possible to come through the darkness.

However, and I say this gently I think you'd be wise to put the wedding on hold for a bit whilst you sort out the financial issues and get on firmer ground with access to his kids. As a married couple, if anything were to go wrong (and I understand you really don't think it will) then financially you're jointly liable going forward. So any defaults or debts would impact both of you and by extension your children. I would not put their security at risk. Your children should be the priority here and getting entangled legally and financially could put you at a huge disadvantage later down the line. You really don't know what the future holds.

I married my DH knowing he had a nightmare ex to deal with and I made a conscious choice to deal with that head on. But I would not have married him with a bankruptcy hanging over his head and the layers of complexity that brings long term. I would have stayed but not got married. Put your children first and keep them in mind before you take this step.

Good luck

Yep havoc with an ange appropriate partner who are not having any more children and see all the children they have and pay for them all. Yeah yeah really terrible parents over here 🙄 you must be so perfect. Wish we all were.

He didn’t leave for a new woman, you’ve made that up love. He left and moved out on his own. But thanks for the incorrect judgemental comment 👌🏻

@doodleanddiablo Also, has your husband-to-be now had a vaesectomy to ensure no more children?

@doodleanddiablo How old were his kids when he first left her?

This

try and put your sc first before a wedding

I’m astonished at the kicking the OP is getting here. I have had two stepmothers (one was wicked), I have an extremely narcissistic mother, who would not allow me to see my father, and my children (grown up now) had a stepmother and I’d didnt receive one single penny from their father after he left when the children were tiny. The OP sounds like a reasonable step mother who wants all kids to be present at her wedding - what is wrong with everyone? I’ve got brothers and sisters on all sides, as do my DCs.

I don’t understand why there needs to be a Court Order to set out visitation with children unless the mother is withholding the children from their father. As I said, I had not a single penny from DC father and even in those circumstances we managed to maintain communication/visitation. I don’t believe so many people lead such linear, clean lives that they can’t understand that lives are often messy and people still make it through!

OP, there has been some practical advice here about not letting the mother know you’re getting married on a day that you regularly have the children but I can see many reasons why it might not be easy to pull off. I’m afraid I’ve got nothing for you except to wish you good luck.

Apologies when you stated that all the children would be bridesmaids and grooms men and would know loads of family members at the wedding, to me that sounds like a big wedding, but if I misunderstood I apologise!

For a new woman? Which thread are you reading?

I see the regular mumsnet fuckwits who are incapable of reading or comprehending are over here!

That’s ok, I can understand what gave you that impression but it’s not a large wedding at all. All the kids will be taking part in the wedding 5 girls and 1 boy, and they know my mum, dad, brother, sister and partners but most importantly they are all siblings and they really are close. They will have the best day dancing and having fun together

Best comment 😂