Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

So sorry to read this, as someone who came to motherhood late myself at 41, I know what you mean, it’s such a big adjustment! Here are the things that helped me, maybe something works for you?

• Take one day at a time. I find it all much more manageable if I stay in the moment with my boy, rather than googling when it gets ‘better’ or wishing the days away.
• Do something for you. Baby sensory classes etc can be good fun, but see if there are any yoga / running / exercise classes for mums where you can bring the baby along, rather than baby-focused classes.
• Remind yourself that everything is a phase and it will pass quickly in the grand scheme of things.
• You WILL get your freedom back! You will do travelling on your own, sitting in the park with a book, or go to the theatre spontaneously again!

It's gets better. It takes time, but gets better. However I can't imagine having a 16 year old at 60 😩

This does sound a lot like PND. I felt like this too. I’m not going to say freedom is around the corner but life does get easier eventually.

The biggest thing that jumps out to me from your post is living with your Mum. What are your options? Could you head back to Paris if you were happy there?

My biggest advice to you would be outsource as much as you can afford to. Childcare, cleaning etc and be kind to yourself.

Helpful 🥴

I agree with PP about trying not to look ahead and take each day at a time. Motherhood is a huge adjustment and the first few weeks I just existed and tried not to think about much other than looking after DS and basic things for myself. It’s hard to remember exactly when things got better as it’s a gradual process but DS is 3 now and is although it’s physically tiring I can talk to him and every day I look forward to seeing him after work and talking to him. I do things for myself just not as often as before. I agree with PP that said to outsource as much as possible. I remember reading somewhere that you don’t need to do much or things that often for yourself to feel like you have some freedom. I would definitely agree with that.

Hi op I was on my own with my baby at my parents house too. It’s SUCH a head fucc losing your freedom and privacy like this. I promise you’ll get into a routine with your baby and get used to your new life and baby might sleep through any time now! This weird time won’t be forever. Once you’re ready to go back to work you can move anywhere you like , in cities there are other single mums you can buddy up with for babysitting you don’t have go be in Ireland forever.

my child is three now and lots of fun and great company!

Yes- my therapist has suggested moving back to Paris, as I am happier there. I am just worried about being totally on my own with the baby but if I got a place in nursery (which I hope to), perhaps things will be more manageable.

To be clear, what I find so difficult is the unpredictability of the baby (I still often don't know what's wrong with him when he cries, his naps dont have a pattern) and the lack of sleep.

My fourth baby is a similar age to yours and my older children are not too dissimilar to
your sisters children in age. She is right in a way, there isn’t ever a point where it’s all super simple and easy. But that doesn’t mean that you won’t ever be able to go to the toilet without having to ask your mum to watch the baby either.

As they get older things become more manageable. You are very early into your motherhood journey. I found things so difficult when I had my eldest. The lifestyle change is huge, hard to prepare for and impossible to understand until you’ve already taken the leap of faith.

Practical suggestions:

Your baby is not yet mobile, it’s ok to put them somewhere safe to use the toilet.

A good sling or baby carrier can be life changing. If you ca visit a sling library I would highly recommend it or if not there’s some excellent baby wearing groups on Facebook as well as sling libraries that offer a postal service.

Motherhood is lonely unless you make some other mum friends. You don’t just have to go to baby classes together. Go for walks, go for lunch or to a cafe, visit museums etc

Think about what you liked to do before you had a baby and see if there’s ways to do that with your baby. Where I live we have cinemas that you can bring your baby to and local theatre productions often have child friendly events that under 2s are free to take.

While they’re this small it’s often possible to take babies to places that are far more challenging with busy toddlers. Even going on holiday can be easier and more straightforward.

Edited to add in response to post above: they do become more predictable over time. And you also get better at both coping with the unpredictability and just figuring them out in general.

You'll get there, Op, but you need to stop comparing it to your life before. This is an entirely new adventure. I had my baby at 41. It was such a shock to the system. I framed it mentally as the next chapter in my life. I had torn the ass out of my twenties and thirties; lived it up, enjoyed life. Now it was time for a new, very rewarding project.
I think moving home was probably the worst thing you could have done re your MH. It must seem like you've taken a huge step backwards and the fact that you planned this gives you so much room for regret.
Do you have the means to move to somewhere more vibrant and hire care? If so, do it. Once you're getting the occasional evening out with friends, you'll feel like yourself again and then you'll be able to enjoy your baby.
Re antidepressants, I've been on them for years and it didn't stop me being able to breastfeeding or co-sleep. If you're anxious, no antidepressant is going to relax you enough to not be aware of your baby! They just make you a little bit more like mums who aren't as anxious!
Good luck, Op. Feel free to pm me if you like. My dd is now 2.5yrs and life is definitely getting much better!

If you did relinquish your son do you think you would be as care free and happy in Paris living alone again?

Oh wow, I feel for you. My oldest is now almost 16 and I was 32 when I had him with my husband and I remember feeling this despair. I couldn’t actually believe I had stuffed up my life by having a baby. We also moved back to our home town and in with my parents (only temporarily). I absolutely hated it. I counted down each day just because I wanted time to move in. A few thoughts from me: it does get easier. Every month that passes it gets easier. Day by day. They start to sleep more, they get into a routine, you gradually get your freedom back. I found returning to work at 12 weeks was the best thing for me as I got a break and I felt more normal. I also echo other suggestions to consider moving back to Paris. Being in a big city might make you feel more normal. You could put him into a nursery and return to work a few days. Potentially get a nanny if you could afford it. And then take it day by day. You will find moments of joy again. Whether it’s the first laugh, when they sleep through the night, a walk in the park with your baby in the sunshine. It will absolutely get better. It also does sound like you may have post natal depression so medication may support that in the immediate term. I honestly think I still have PTSD from when my kids were tiny babies. God it was awful!!!

Its very very normal to feel you have thrown your life away, if you (like me) had independence before. I can promise you it wont feel like that forever. Your mind and body adjusts over time (your baby is still so young) so please allow yourself the time to adjust mentally and physically to this,the biggest change in your life. All I can say is, you will look back at this in 3,5, 10 years time as the hard graft you had to put in, in order to receive the miraculous gift of your child. I hated the baby years, but on balance I'd say it was fair exchange for the privilege of experiencing motherhood and getting to love my child. With some medication to ease you in these early months I reckon you'll find depths you didn't know you have and get through it.

1. This sounds very much like PND. Get a Next to Me crib or put your DS in a travel cot next to your bed and take the meds!

2. If I'd moved in with my DM when I had my first DC I'm sure it would've given me PND too. OP, no wonder you're feeling so low! Not only have you given up your independent life in Paris to move back to a miserable little down in Ireland, but you've moved back in with your DM, like you're a DC again yourself. Please, make plans to go back to Paris now, if that is where you've lived for 21 years and are happy. You must have friends there after all that time, surely? You need to reclaim your adult life - just doing that will probably make you feel at least 50% better immediately! I know it would me.

3. It does get easier, but it won't be next week or next month and you need to try and make your peace with this. Giving up your baby will not help though. What you need to do is take a deep breath and understand that your life has changed. It hasn't changed forever or irreparably, you will gradually find that over the years the old you will be able to take up more and more space in your life again, but right now you need to create a new life for yourself and your DS. Going on antidepressants will probably help, but everyone goes through a period of mental adjustment when they have their first baby, where they mourn their old life and learn to embrace their new one. Please don't get hung up on what your DSis or strangers online say - you're not them, your baby isn't theirs, etc. You will find your own way and it will be okay. Honestly!

4. No one understands what their baby wants to start with, but you learn. I remember being so clueless and stressed to start with. Why was he crying? I just fed him! His nappy was dry! What now??? I promise you it gets easier. You learn to understand his cues. He learns to trust you. You learn what's just grizzling or wind or hunger or loneliness or whatever. They don't come with a manual and it's hard to start with as you're both getting to know each other

Thank you @eroberts77 @zurigo @Twattergy and so many others. Thank you all.

Op,you need to cut yourself some slack. Small babies are not easy, and you need to pace yourself. I became a first time mum at 45 - not planned but I survived.

What do you do each week for you? I found a leisure centre with a creche, and I went for a swim and a sauna each Thursday. An hour to myself kept me sane.

I disliked mum&baby groups, they just weren't my thing, so I bought a sling, put ds in it and we went hiking.

I needed to get out and stretch myself physically. I bf so no need to carry bottles. Ds got used to having his bum changed on the edge of a cornfield and he slept better. It was a beautiful summer. 😎 Good way to lose the baby weight too.

Can you reshape your life to suit you? What specifically do you miss? You can take your baby to galleries and into nice cafes. On city breaks. There was an outdoor jazz cafe we liked. You don't have to be the same as all the other new mums. Buy a sling and visit your old haunts.

I also wonder if you’d be happier back in Paris? I’m a single mother by choice using donor sperm and stayed at my parents for two weeks after the baby was born. It was nice having company and my mum to help but after two weeks I was desperate to get back to London and some independence. Cities are great either way small babies - lots of places to go for walks with the pram, there’s sometimes a good period when they’ve started napping well in the pram when you can manage a coffee with a friend or a wander around a gallery. And there’s childcare in France. It’d be hard without family nearby but you might feel more like you again

My heart goes out to you as you sound in a very desperate place.

I feel we are lied to slightly about motherhood, especially the sleep part. We are left to believe babies sleep through at 6 months. This has not been my experience at all with mine and I am always very honest with others and say do not expect full sleep for the 1st 5 years. Of course there are children that do, but they are the minority.

I have truly enjoyed every part of mother hood expect the lack of sleep. My youngest is 2 and has never slept through the night. What helps me is just to surrender to it rather than hoping for something else.

I think it becomes easier with age, motherhood, different challenges but easier as they become less dependent on you than the 1st year in many ways. Also hormones play a huge part for me and these also settle I find after 1st 12/18 months.

You would not be writing this thread if you seriously wanted to give your son up. Please hold in there and engage with the perinatal team.

My first born I was ready to throw them out the window at one point. They didn’t sleep and I hated it at times. Once they started sleeping it was a game changer!! I always say the first year is the worst.

I had a second child and they slept soooo much better and it made a massive difference to my experience.

I can manage a toddler / child any day over that first 6 months. Everything seems more capable when you aren’t so sleep deprived.

OP you sound so run down and it’s a massive adjustment, give yourself some grace and allow yourself to grieve its not what you pictured.

Really focus on a few key things for you. Sleep and eating. Baby classes can wait if needed. Make sure you are napping when you can and eating enough. It’s pure survival mode and don’t put any pressure to leave the house if you don’t need to.

i found having a routine helped me. We got up fed, breakfast and got a morning walk even if I was tired. A quick 10/20 mins walk in the sun can make a world of difference. Home for lunch / play time then to have a big afternoon nap / chill out in bed. Up again 4ish ready to prep dinner / start evening routine

I'm just going to echo everything PPs have said, tbh. It seems as if you might well be happier back in Paris- isn't childcare cheaper and more comprehensive in France? In a few months' time, when you start to consider childcare, this could be an absolute godsend.

I still remember the bleak first days of single motherhood with a chill. One of the things that saved my sanity was starting to send DS to a childminder from 5 months- only an afternoon a week at first- in order to be able to spend some time with myself again.

Those books that refer to your baby sleeping through at 6 months are....kind of right. It's the earliest age they recommend for sleep training. Some people frown on it, but it was an absolute godsend for me, and I would say ultimately my DC. And you've already seen with your mum the dangers of sleep deprivation. But do be aware that the definition of a baby "sleeping through" is by no means an 8 hour stretch!

Yes, it does get better. I got up at midday today, having had a blissful 9 hours sleep and a long leisurely uninterrupted morning drinking coffee and reading in bed. The nearly 11 year old has been coding a computer game downstairs on my computer, and the 16 year old has just rolled in after a sleepover at a friend's, claiming to have a hangover 🤔. (So no age is completely without its issues, I'd say!!)

Very helpful words @Meadowfinch (as are the others' words)- what did you do when your baby cried when you were hiking? What would I do if he cries when I'm going to my favourite cafe, my favourite museum and I don't know why amd can't calm him down? That's what terrorises ne, and I still find it so difficult to know why he's crying. I have no shame about breastfeeding in the public, by the way, but hunger or a dirty nappy might not be why he's crying.

What do you do if your baby cries while you're hiking?? Remove from carrier, feed, check nappy (does he need a change?), check for anything that might be causing discomfort, cuddle, plop back into carrier and continue. Physical proximity to you and the reassuring jiggle of movement is one of the most soothing things for most babies.

What do you do if he cries in a museum/ cafe? Take him outside and repeat the checklist. Walk around with him a bit. If he doesn't calm down you may have to abandon your plans.

(Arguably France might be stricter on evicting noisy babies. I'll never forget DS2 being booted out of Lascaux for crying at 4 months old. Very little patience was shown for his disrespect of a cultural monument 😆. )

I completely disagree that it never gets easier. My son is 20 months and my life is infinitely easier than when he was 4 months. I was honestly suicidal at that age. The exhaustion well and truly kicked in, I felt trapped like I had never felt before. I thought I had made a massive mistake and ruined my life.

Genuinely, it does get better. Of course it does. But not right away. I'd say things started to look up around 12 months, and much better by 18 months.

Hang in there.

I'm slowly getting more and more bits of my old.life back.

I agree you should move back to Paris.

It absolutely gets easier, it’s still hard and it’s hard in new ways, but you’ll be able to go for a pee without asking your mum and they are the little difficulties that in a few months you’ll forget you were even having. You also won’t be recovering or flooded with all those early days hormones, which makes things so much easier!

try to look at the issues in a day, and see what you can do about them.
eg going the loo - is there a safe spot you can put your baby in like a cot, or a pen or a bouncer.
I’m not a huge fan of sleep training but if it gives you some sanity so you can parent more would that be worth a try, or introducing a schedule.
is there anything else that would make things a tiny bit easier for now?
if you moved back to Paris could you afford any other support like an au pair or nanny?

does your baby often cry and you can’t calm him as you seem worried about this? Or so far have you always managed to settle him eventually?

you’ve had a huge change in being a mum, it completely shook me to my core, I can’t imagine a whole life change at that point too. Be kind to yourself, other people have other support.

Thank you for this- the baby cried a lot in the first three months and I didn't know why. One health visitor and a nurse thought it might be silent reflux. He doesn't vomit and doesn't bring up a great deal of food but he generally prefers an upright to a lying down oosition, and sometimes I can hear his little voice hoarse,or catching in his throat. Meanwhile, the local doctor and the lactation specialist I have consulted, who is also a CBT therapist, believe that silent reflux is massively over-diagnosed and it might just be developmental crying, or perhaps he's more sensitive to certain things. Obviously, never having had a baby before,I have no frame of reference. My mum thinks it's gas/wind pains.
He has been prescribed Lactulose for constipation and even that has been a minefield, as my midwife in France says that exclusively breastfed babies don't get constipation. But the doctor prescribed him the Lactulose because he hadn't pooed in a week and was red-faced, pushing and in pain. I originally blamed the Gavisocn Infant I prescribed for the silent reflux which I'm not even sure he has - plus I have been avoiding cow's milk and all hidden dairy for fear he might have a cow's milk allergy, which can also cause silent reflux, apparently. Anyway, the prescription for the Lactulose notes that it's to be given "as required"- I'm not sure what that means. The health visitor said I should give it twice a day, but if he has already had a good nappy, sometimes I hesitate to give it to him. We have also been giving him gripe water every day because of the crying, although I don't think Gripe water has had much impact.

The sleep part gets better. I know this isnt what you want to hear but everything else I have found gets harder when you have a toddler. Age 3 is essentially mental torture lol. You have to be realistic... You chose to have the child at 44, that's 20 yrs older than I was and I do think that woild be much harder, you'll have less energy. You'll get used to it as he gets older. You'll get loads of ppl telling you that you have PND but honestly motherhood is probably the biggest scam of all, no one truly is honest about what it's like to the people without kids!