Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

Could you go back for a week on your own and see how you feel?
also, I’m going to get shot here, but how about taking off the breast feeding? From what you’ve said he sounds exactly like my two when they were babies and they for sure had silent reflux as once I’d nailed down larger tear bottles with cow and gate carob bean powder stirred in with the formula, kept they upright after a feed and put a pillow underneath the head of their cot mattress to lift them a bit they were much more settled. The reason for considering if BF is always right it for two reasons, 1st is it’s not good for reflux as breast milk is thin and difficult to keep down and 2nd is that you might feel a bit less overwhelmed in that you can eat what you want, have a more settled baby potentially and others can feed your baby giving you a break, you might find baby needs less feeds if he keeps a thickened milk bottle down.
it sounds like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself and it’s really important to look after yourself too, he will benefit most from having a happier mum not necessarily a mum who is rubbing herself ragged.
also, try not to panic if he cries, you won’t be able to stop a baby crying all the time, just try and stay grounded, it’s their only way of communicating so think of it as him wanting comfort which you can offer him by a cuddle etc, don’t think you have to stop him crying straight away
it will get easier for sure!! Just because a child might not sleep all the way through until a few years old (or very well might sleep though) but if they don’t it’s very different to what you’re experiencing now as they do cry less, don’t wake as much, feed less frequently, can communicate better etc etc
you actually sound like a wonderful mum who’s just having a hard time right now
also, would it be worth trying the recommended meds, worse case you can wean back off them after a few weeks of trying them if they don’t work? X

When my eldest was a baby I think I felt in a way more free than in my working life when I was tied to work and work trips most of my time. But with the baby I was free every day. I strolled around the city for hours, nice cafes, sometimes museums, parks and lunches. Also mum groups. I was tired of course but the days were free and I really enjoyed just being able to do whatever whenever. Baby took naps in his stroller easily. The difference was I was in a quite big city, so there was a lot of things to go to. I think I had more sense of losing my freedom a bit later in parenthood and especially since DC2 came a long. Now my eldest is 7 and getting closer to years when I have much more freedom again since he can soon just stay home while I pop to the gym or cafe or walk.

I just wanted to say that all babies are so so different and it really is luck of the draw. My DD slept from 7am-11pm and 12am-5am from about 4months. By 6 months, she was doing 7pm-5am. After that, it slowly got to 7-7pm by 9 months. She has never deviated from this, bar the usual teething. Just as an alternative to the horror stories.

I find people are all too quick to share solidarity stories of suffering (of course) but there are babies out there that do sleep. You have just as much chance of that happening. There is light at the end of the tunnel! My DD is almost 7 now and it is so much easier

This sounds like you are stuck in extreme panic and I understand why. I was an older mother. The good news is your sister’s situation is totally different to your own. She’s got three - that IS endless hell. You have one - this is a REALLY different scenario. Having one gets much much easier from around age 12 months I’d say. When I had one child I suddenly found it easy when they got around their first birthday. Leaving Paris after 21 years and moving back in with your mother would have been a huge adjustment even WITHOUT a baby.

I’d return to Paris. Are you weathly? Do you need to work? Either way, reclaim some of the life you loved and wait it out. It definitely gets better. You are very sleep deprived and with that comes a lot of anxiety and panic. Once you get more sleep you will relax a little.

The lack of freedom is a hard one. But you will adjust. It’s early days and the panic has you by the throat. Everything has its season - good and bad. This is no different. Things will change even if you do nothing. You have a life ahead of you with a super little pal. It will come good - your anxiety is just making you paranoid that it won’t. Your hormones are making you imagine the worst ever long term life - it won’t be like this. This is only fear talking.

Morning OP. How are you feeling this morning?

And about the sleep. My first child went through a period of horrendous sleep. Lasted month on end. For no apparent reason. I thought I was losing my mind. It didn’t mean she didn’t turn into a great sleeper. She was brilliant after about age 14 months. And from about age 5 I had to go wake her every morning to get her up and now she is pre teen she will
doze in at weekends until late late morning. During which time I leisurely read books, potter in the garden, bake, chill. She’s a dream. The bad sleep thing WILL end I can promise you that.

This made me cry. Thank you so much.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to wrote thoughtful and lengthy posts. It means more than you can ever know. For you, you're typing on a phone or a computer. For me, you are saving my life. No, I'm not suicidal, but I feel deep, deep despair and the thoughtfulness and sincerity of many of these posts has put a huge dent in that.
I will be contacting some if you by DM if ou don't mind for more information about certain things.
Otherwise, I jour want to reply to some points on here:

My sister has not only three children but is very annoyed at her husband and unhappy in her marriage these days. Her husband is a great father so she'll have had life easier than I do in many ways, but I don't doubt that having three children is very hard.
@Sugarsugarcane I wouldn't return to Paris for a week on my own because I know how I'd feel- I'd feel in love! It's the city and the place that I love the most in the world and when I made this baby, I dreamt of growing up there with my happy and healthy, bilingual son (I am bilingual also). Instead, I find myself here in the grey town of 15000 people where I grew up which I think was the right decision because this is my first (and only!!!! ) child and as I wrote earlier, my little Parisian apartment is so small - 330 Square foot- but now I miss Paris so much it hurts. It's the worry of managing my baby son totally on my own in a small apartment but after the summer (because the summer in Paria tends to be extremely hot), I'd love to try. Its not only Paris i miss but it is the freedom and the liberyy to do absolutely anything I wanted. I didn't have a partner, Iworked part time- I really was a VERY free agent. I miss that so much that it's painful, too. And yet my desire to have a child was so strong that it made me ache. Of course I have friends in Paris after all those years but they're not all available for childminding. I have put in a request for a place in nursery for my baby from October onwards. The committee to determine those places takes place in June.

@greenappletasty I am not wealthy but I am not dirt poor. I work part-time in Paris. I couldn't afford a live-in nanny or au pair (see also, as I wrote above-my small apartment size!) but I could afford a babysitter once a in a while.

I know everyone is saying for you to move back to Paris but I would be wary with such a small child and having no family support. Once they go to nursery they tend to get very ill on the regular and it can be very scary and exhausting. If your long term plan is to go back to Paris I’d be inclined to stay near your mum for a couple of years and get him in a nursery here until you get that bit out of the way.

It does sound like PND I agree. The sleeping thing is the worst and has such a horrific impact; can anyone have baby for a good stretch in the day so you can get a bit banked? It’ll make such a difference.

if you like the spontaneity and activity then look for things you can do as well that help get some of that back? It won’t be the same but activities like baby cinema or theatre if they’re feeding in a sling, walking, coffee out etc. that’s all possible.

I don’t know what childcare is like in Paris but I suspect it’s much better funded and available and might well be worth looking into- becoming a mother might be a life long dream but you’ve also moved countries, returned ‘home’ - was this how you pictured motherhood?

it DOES get easier, especially in the relentless way you’re experiencing. It’s different (my 5yo is having a tantrum like you wouldn’t believe!) but it’s also so rewarding

I know every one is saying move back to Paris but I would hunker down and focus in enjoying what you can of your child. Work on your bond with him and absolutely prioritise getting sleep when you can.

I so sympathise ad this sounds so much what I felt like when ds was a baby. It was a sort of terror at the loss of my freedom and control of my own life . I was incredibly anxious and I could not believe I had made such a mistake i didnt fell the overwhelming live some women describe either. I didn't want harm to come to DS and I worried almost obsessively about my ability to keep him safe and know what he beeded. The lack of sleep, tipped ll that into despair that bordered on suicidal for a while

It absolutely does get better. There will be other challenges but you will begin to trust yourself as a parent more and begin to get some joy from being a parent. You are in the trenches at the moment. Once you are sleeping better and have strengthened the bond with your child, things will really get easier to manage

A big move back to Paris now may feel impossible to organise and will add considerable stress. Wait until you are sleeping and things have improved. They will

Longer for mine and they’re older now but still some times are up during the night.

You seem very naive about the realities of having children. Do you not have friends who have had children?

I think part of the issue is moving away from
your home and friendships at the same time as having a baby. You’ve made some signifigant stressful, life changing decision to all happen at once.

If Mum is 44 then it is very likely that an ill toddler is going to be too much for an older Grandma to look after.

I mourned my old life when I had a baby and I didn’t even live in Paris. I lived in Portsmouth which I don’t really recommend.

Since then I’ve lived in a lot of places, in fact we moved six days after dd1 was born. It’s a huge upheaval having to start all over again in a new place. No wonder you feel so at sea. You have done two enormous things at once.

Presumably, as you live with your mother at the moment, you would be able to move back to her relatively easily if you did go to Paris and it didn’t work out.

To me, and I absolutely do not mean this unkindly, it’s like you told yourself that you weren’t going to be able to do this by yourself so you went back home. Whereas you probably could have done it. You’ve built a lovely life for yourself in another country so you aren’t a wet lettuce. It might be easier looking after a baby in a tiny flat on your own without having to consider another adult all of the time. You won’t have to tell anyone you are going for a wee because it’s not far to go for a start.

Babies are unpredictable, there’s no doubt about it. Perhaps you should try a routine based day, like Gina Ford, if you haven’t already.

I just wanted to say I'm loving the sound of a committee meeting to decide on who gets a place at nursery. How quintessentially French 😆

I've got a clear picture of you in the autumn, sitting in a little Parisian park with your baby dozing in the buggy, chatting to other parents from all over the world.

@Sunseansandandautism she could be in her sixties-op hasn’t said. She moved all this way to be near her so she must have thought she was capable of some help. I think she should stick it out a few years closer to her mum. She won’t be able to enjoy Paris life with a tiny baby anyway. It’s not going to be Emily in Paris with a screaming, snotty tot in tow and cooped up in a tiny flat

I found the newborn with my first much harder than I did with my next child. I think it was because I tried to control everything and get into a routine with sleeping and feeding. Second time around I just took things as they came more and felt happier for it.

It does however get easier! While mine were toddlers before they reliably slept through the night, I did just get more use to the reduced sleep and even though they still woke up they did sleep for longer and longer periods.

My children were both very fussy babies early on and hated lying flat on back. A good baby carrier really helped and allowed me to get out and about a lot easier.

I think the thing I found hardest was the monotony of those early days. However as they have got older I have enjoyed getting back out more and encouraging an adventurous side in them. We’ve travelled extensively and regularly go to the theatre, art galleries, museums and hiking. We started this from 6 months onwards and it’s become just a normal part of their life now. Yes adaptions need to be made when they are younger but you can still have the exciting life you crave. It might just be a couple more moths until you break the back of those early days.

France is a pretty good place to have a child though (assuming the committee allocates you a nursery place 😬). Childcare is better and cheaper, and the school day is longer, so mirrors the working day.

Paris seems to have had good governance for quite a while now- every time I go I see new signs of stuff the city has done to make life more pleasant for the people who live there.

It's a no-brainer OP - move back to Paris. You will feel so much better and your son will be fine in a small flat and a French nursery. You'll start enjoying motherhood once you're in your usual environment and prams can be taken everywhere you go - cafes, shops, on nice days out. When my daughter was a baby I found the less time I spent inside the house with her the easier it was 👍

@crackofdoom the nurseries might have a longer day but it’s no good if the kid’s to ill to go in. You’ve only got to do a quick search on here about nursery bugs. Most kids struggle and op doesn’t sound like she’s coping as it is

I brought my dc up with no family around us. I remember holding dd2 while I was getting a filling!

I built a support system of friends. You can’t live a life where you don’t want to be in case a child gets sick at nursery.

@Sunseansandandautism I think you're right, I think I was naive. That said, a five or six year child waking in the night is very different from a baby waking multiple times. The older child can talk- has their own bedroom- presumably never sleeps in your bed- obviously there's no risk of SIDS, etc.

My mother is 72, for info, she'll be 73 in August.

If you have asked for a spot in crèche in Paris, you should also contact the agency for ‘petite enfance’ in your arrondissement. You should write them a letter and also ask for a call with the ´adjoint’ responsible and explain your situation. They can absolutely help you get a place for your baby (part Time also possible). Also, you should ask for September start (instead of October) as lots of spots free up then (as the big kids head off to maternelle.

finally, in Paris you can have a big subsidy on nanny / baby-sitter childcare via the paje urssaf, which can make it much more affordable.

I’ve got 6 children, it does get easier. I remember with my first it feeling very overwhelming as first time had a job which was literally 24/7, I was on my own and he never slept for more than a hour at a time and had awful colic but things did get easier from around 3 months. Some of mine have slept from early on and some were still waking regularly in the night until 3-4 years, my current 6 year old did and still had quite challenging behaviour at that age ( we even nearly came home from a holiday after the first day due to the meltdowns) He’s the most adorable interesting 6 year now and we have so much fun together and he sleeps through fine now. Do whatever will make you both happy, use childcare to give you a break if needed. I actually went back to work when he was 1 as it was during the pandemic and the days just felt very long and boring for me and him, we were both much happier.