Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

Sounds like moving home wasn't the best choice and has created more stress. I think you might be best moving back to Paris OP. Plenty of single mums live in cities and create their own support network. I'm sure you'll be fine if you did this.

This is pretty normal, op. It gets easier when they go to pre school, with the 15 free hours. Then nursery and then reception when you get your days back - thats when the sanity almost returns xx

My teenager is lovely and I've never had any of the above issues that @Betterinthesunshine describes 🤷‍♀️ neither did anyone I know. It's a complete exception to the rules. Teenagers are good company and funny and pretty self-sufficient

I totally disagree with your sister. It gets way easier and way more fun as they get older. I hated the baby stage with a fiery passion. No sleep, painful breasts, a screaming child who couldn't tell you what was wrong, soul crushing boredom which left me wanting the earth to swallow me up. Did I mention I hated it? Going back to work after maternity leave was like someone had switched the lights back on.

If I were you I would move back to Paris asap and get at least some hours of childcare. The French are very no nonsense with their babies, they don't rush to every crying and they shut the door at bedtime and leave them to it. You might find a more French approach actually helps you get your sanity back.

For me, from 2 years upwards (DD now 12) have been an absolute joy. I hope you find the same.

I was replying to someone else’s comment to my original post which was reassuring the OP that it does get easier (until the teenage years) the teenage years is an awfully long way off for her so personally I would find it reassuring to know that. No the new baby had nothing to do with the teenager’s issues which were pre existing long before the new new baby. Even they would say the baby had nothing to do with it. All the children have absolutely adored each new addition, especially the teenagers. We’ve got experience of a lot of children and all my once teenagers have grown up to be lovely law abiding hard working caring adults. These issues aren’t outliers but some of our teenagers haven’t experienced any significant issues just as some babies and toddlers are a dream, one of mine slept through the night from 2 weeks old! This wasn’t typical but they were just a dream from day 1. Which stands to my original
points that a 4 year old is usually much easier than a toddler and a 7 year old js easier than a 4 year old, I have 2 primary aged children at the moment and couldn’t adore this age more, they sleep through, tantrums are much rarer and we generally have a great time together.

My kids were born and raised in France. I became a single mum when they were 2&3. I can’t imagine doing it without my friends. Kids in France is much easier (and cheaper) than in the UK to be honest.

Bless you - this must be so hard! It sounds like the huge issue is two such different lifestyles to the extreme. This isn't like you lived fairly locally and had friends in the area, maybe had a dog you were responsible for or something. You lived in another country. With no responsibilities at all. And had lived your whole adult life this way. Of course this was always going to be hugely challenging and a big adjustment. I had my first at 23 (unexpected) and actually adjusted really quickly because I hadn't settled in to a different way of life. You're being hard on yourself and expecting to have Disney vibes straight away. I think you're doing amazingly given the change. Don't make harsh decisions. Get support and take a day at a time. I always felt the odd one out in mums groups being one of the youngest and you're obviously feeling it the other way. The reality is, probably most people don't feel like they fit in!

You’re being thoughtless. There is absolutely no reason to start prattling off the extreme issues your teenager has on a thread started by a vulnerable woman. You know full well you are not being at all reassuring, you’re being one of those insufferable women who love to tear down others with your “just you wait” warnings. Your difficult home life is of no concern to the op, and it is very much in the minority.

It gets so much better. See if you can get into a routine that works for you with naps and your day. I found that really helped with the anxiety. I’ve had 3 babies - they are all older now, and all 3 had started to do the nice long stretch of sleep between 10 and 7 by 6 months. It is also absolutely fine to find childcare like a childminder or nursery that can give you some support during the daytime - say for 1-2 days a week especially as you are single. Make your life work for you and your baby. There is no perfect, just what works best for you. I personally have loved having teenagers so don’t listen to anyone about being 60 with a teenager, one of my friends just turned 60 and has a teenager and she’s doing absolutely fine! Things will get better. Do try the anti depressants - you have nothing to lose if they don’t work you can stop taking them and if they do work you will feel better. Take care of yourself xx

When do you return to work?

I am on the other side of most here. If you seriously have been looking at things relating to putting your baby in care, this is more than just a feeling and is unfair to you to keep waiting for that moment it all falls into place. However it is most likely to all fall into place if you keep going.

When you think of the reality of handing your baby over, you may never see him again - do you get upset and want to hold on to him or do you feel relief? I think this really needs discussing further with your support team.

If you breast feed, I wonder if bottle feeding- even if just the bedtime feed would help take the pressure off you? I bf and it’s hard! There is also information saying baby’s who bf don’t sleep as long or as deep as formula fed. I know of only 2 bf baby’s over the years who have been bf and sleep well. Mine didn’t sleep through until one 3 and one still wakes occasionally at 6!
However I know some babies who have slept through before turning 1 so there really is no set rule for you to focus on.

It sounds like your world has turned upside down and not for the better.
You have choices but talk to your team.

My original post had a very brief tongue in cheek mention of 14 year olds, in the context of saying it gets easier until then, which was in response to a post which was saying they don’t get easier!! My subsequent post was only replying to someone who I doubt has much experience of teenagers at all who was trying to start argue with me that babies and toddlers are much more difficult. Perhaps if people were a bit more honest things wouldn’t come as such a shock to new parents but seems even in a post reassuring someone that it does get easier for a good while, you can get shot down for not sugar coating things enough. Personally I felt it would be disingenuous to say it gets easier forever, be like saying to someone it ‘gets easier after the birth’ BTW we have a lovely home life now and very happy family thank you. You clearly see any issues a teenager might go through as being a reflection of some dysfunctional parenting or home life, well…. I’m sure your teenagers and adult children will never so much as experience anything more complex than the needs of a bay/toddler

Just to clarify I wasn’t trying to start an argument with you, that’s why I didn’t tag you, and was very polite to you and when you tagged me I expressed concern about what sounds like some really challenging times.
I was just trying to say that whilst both difficult, they don’t really compare because they are so different and it can be hard to remember the finer points of newborn life when you’re not in it. I know that’s something I’ve experienced myself.

I still dont think giving a vulnerable woman who is struggling with a newborn a list of all the quite extreme (but imo unlikely) things a teenager might do is helpful, as I’ve already said, but I’m sure we can agree to disagree and not derail the thread.

I call this Postnatal Acceptance.

You will grieve the life you gave up. For me it was an intense grief and panic like experience. I felt genuine fear and panic - WTF have I done, rolled into the most overwhelming guilt for feeling like this, rolled into the wonder of the new baby.

You will grieve that life as it is lost.

Slowly the pull of that life ebbs away and being a mum will become that. It doesn't last forever.

Personally, I would consider treating your nuclear family (you and baby) as a team, go back to Paris and work out a way to compromise on the things you value most.

You have compounded your loss of a loved lifestyle not just by having a baby but also by moving to a completely new place. Reassert that independence with your little one in tow.

Did you miss the fact that I had a newborn and a toddler at the same time?? Or miss the fact that I have a one year old right in the here and now??
I wasn’t giving the OP a list in my original
post which was reassuring her that it gets easier. My list was in reply to the person trying to tell me teenagers are easier when I have very recent experience of newborns and a current toddler!!

PND is an illness and makes everything skewed. You lose rationale and this all makes everything magnified. Anti depressants will take the edge off your feelings and you will be better able to deal with things.
My daughter felt like you but before baby was born as well as after. She swears she has ptsd and every time she hears a baby cry takes her right back to those early days.
Her baby is now 5 and at school and they have the most beautiful close relationship that she couldn’t imagine at 14 weeks. Those early days, weeks and months are extremely hard for many women and as people on here have already admitted.
It does get better, you will feel better, and find joy in your new life. It’s never going to be the same as before but it can be just as good but different.
You will in time feel more confident, trust yourself with reading those cues from your baby and he will also be growing, changing, doing more so your interactions will change.
Honestly, in time your gorgeous boy will cry less, sleep better and you will feel better. Take it a day at a time x

Hi OP, I have a 2 year old and have also been a single mum from the start.

For me it started to get substantially better after the 4 month sleep regression - the regression was horrible, but afterwards sleep became more predictable and naps reliable. Which then meant at hard times I could remind myself that baby will be asleep in x-time, and grit my teeth until then.

And then it carried on getting better from there, probably because I was getting more sleep! I think it was around her first birthday that I felt human, like my actual self again. My brain was functioning again and I felt positive, making good plans etc - I was out of survival mode. And then from there of course there are hard parts, but most of the time it's great. A lot of fun. And I don't do all the stuff I used to do in the same way, but we do go to a lot of cafes, on walks, to National Trust and English Heritage places. Those are things I like. You can do what you enjoy, just adapted to include a child.

As a single mum my main tip is to prioritise sleep. It's different for us vs others who have a partner. Yours is too little for sleep training now, but my advice is to start learning about different kinds and implementing some bedtime routines. I also hear you that cosleeping works for you now, but I would strongly suggest working towards getting baby in their own bed - getting back that bit of personal space makes such a massive difference to mental health. And then when they go in their own room around 6 months it feels very freeing IMO.

The other thing to keep in mind is that breastfeeding takes a massive toll on you in every possible way, even when it's going very well. So that won't last forever either - it's another thing that will get waaaay easier.

I believe I was the person your list was in response to. You’ve said I was trying to argue with you and shoot you down or tell you teenagers were easier, I wanted to clarify to you that that wasn’t my intention.
The ages of your children aren’t relevant to my opinions that it can be hard to remember the specific difficulties of the newborn phase when you’re not in it or that op doesn’t need to hear about hypothetical unlikely scenarios 14 years from now,
and our current discussion isn’t relevant to helping the op so I’m not going to reply again.
I wish you the best and op I hope you’re able to find some support in the thread and experiences of pp

I am an older Mum, I didn’t feel unconditional love when either of my much wanted kids were born . For the first seven months or so I thought I was in a bad dream . I went through the motions , then one day it became easier and I realised the love was there all along . Get back to Paris , you will survive and thrive . Go easy on yourself ❤️

Talk about being gaslit …. I’ve had multiple
experiences of newborns and currently have a baby who is only one year old
but you’re saying I won’t remember what it was like when she was a newborn, for goodness sake, I don’t give a fig about your faux politeness, If you really had any consideration of the OP you would have not started an irrelevant tangent argument from my reply to her trying to reassure her that it does get easier for a good while

Like I said, my intention wasn’t to have an argument with you, sorry if it has come across that way x

It gets a lot better and easier, absolutely. You’re in the trenches. Hang in there. Try to find snippets you enjoy and short breaks if possible, ie hour of two

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way.
It does sound like a bit of af PND. Have you considered medication?
And I would definitely consider the things that could inject some life back into you. Whether that’s something big like moving back to Paris, or whether that’s more like daily exercise, fresh air, activities you love with people who make you laugh. If you’re not enjoying baby groups, try something else.

On the topic of motherhood in general - I was also absolutely desperate for a baby and also absolutely horrified by the transition into motherhood. I think it’s always a hard period but made ten times worse if you have a baby that cries a lot. People just do not realise how unbelievably stressful that is and also how much it knocks your confidence as a brand new mother trying to settle into a new role.
You end up terrified to do anything or go anywhere as baby so unsettled, and end up analysing every little thing about their physical and emotional state to try work out what’s ‘wrong’. It’s draining and exhausting beyond belief. I have been there.

Some babies are just more sensitive. Some will grow out of it but in my experience mine has gone on to be a sensitive toddler and young child. We still struggle. HOWEVER it’s sooo much easier and more enjoyable now that it was. We saw improvements in crying from about 6/7 months. And amazing improvements in overall enjoyment of life (them and us) by time they turned around 2 (with gradual improvements and so much joy along the way!). He became much more settled and happy. They start being able to do things, explain what’s wrong, and they start to give so much more back. It really does get so much better!

Sleep wise I have been to hell and back truly. But again it does get better and also you get used to it and adapt. Cosleeping saved us.

I promise you being a mum is not just a lifetime of how you’re feeling now. Each stage is different and brings it its own set of challenges and rewards. Yeh if you ask a parent with older
children/teenagers “does it get any easier” they will often laugh and say no it’s even harder etc. But the type of hard they’re talking about is totally, totally different. And likely they’re saying that because newborn/toddler stage was easy for them in comparison. Whereas if you have an unsettled crying baby who has you walking on eggshells and never sleeping then absolutely it gets easier as they get older, of course it does, so please don’t worry about that.

So 2 key things here:

1. It will not always feel so hard
2. you need to find more joy in the good parts, either by adapting lifestyle or considering meditation (as you have already tried therapy)

I wish you the best of luck ❤️

Had to message after I have been woken up by 6 year old for the loo- I thought of you, you’re obviously on my mind for me to come back!

if you move back to Paris, what is your support from friends network like and how soon can you link in with support from professionals?

Yes going back to where you were happy is great but you’re walking away from your current teams there to help you.

@BrendaSouleyman

Are you in a financial position where you can hire somebody to help you in the daytime for a few hours, or a couple of nights a week? Like a night nanny? A friend did this when at her wits end and it massively helped her.

My son was a very hard baby and I didn’t believe it would ever get better. He slept well but was unsettled literally every minute he was awake. I’d go out with mum friends and despair at how hard he was compared to their babies. But it did! He just straight up hated being a useless baby, I think. Once he could sit, it was better. Once he could crawl it was endlessly better, and once he could walk it was great. Yes, aspects of toddlers and preschoolers are tough (mine is only 4 now so I don’t want to speak for older kids) but they’re manageable and outweighed by the joy of helping this lovely little person grow.

I side eye anyone who says things like your sister and isn’t joking. I’ve met a lot of people who can’t handle their children not being placid potatoes and resent them having their own opinions etc. In my opinion, when they start talking, having their own personality and giving opinions is the best bit!