Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

Interesting you say that. I wondered myself especially in the early days if he was getting enough milk. The only way to know if breadtfed babies are getting enough is 1. Weight gain and 2. Nappy output.
His weight gain is perfect. And regarding nappies, we're back to the Lactulose. He'll do one or two poos a day while I'm giivng him Lactulose. Formula can exacerbate constipation, I've been told.
So how can I tell if he's getting enough? And will formula make constipation worse?

I’m not sure about the breastmilk I suppose it would be knowing how much he latches on for and how long. obviously the weight gain is a good sign formula might give him more food to poo as if your not eating enough you can’t poo much out. I’m not sure what formula is available right now but it might be worth trying even just to top up the breast milk also means your not pumping away all the time. Maybe a bottle before bed and through the night then breast throughout the day.

Please try not to look ahead and ignore the 'it gets worse' comments. Every child is unique and you might glide through an age where another mother suffers. If you feel like you are in hell and depths of despair then it's unlikely to get worse isn't it. This is your rock bottom. Two things will happen, baby will move to the next phase and you will realise how brief each phase is, and you will get much better at the day to day element of parenting. I think the biggest thing right now is the massive change of life. I can tell you i found this to be unbelievably difficult, I was insanely jealous of those without children despite really wanting one.

Also, maybe the small town life doesn't suit you. I think you should consider moving back to where your life was. Yes it's hard being a single mum, yes you won't have your mum nearby. But baby will go to nursery and you can work and hopefully afford to get a regular sitter and the occasional (meticulously planned) nights will happen again. Your life isn't over. You can fly home for visits and hopefully in due course your family can take baby for little holidays or sleepovers.

Thank you @Dontlletmedownbruce Like you, I find the massive change of life to be nearly unbearable. Did that get easier?
Did you become happier with the fact of having a child despite being insanely jealous of those without children?

@BrendaSouleyman - yes, you become happier. You get used to the chaos. You start to trust yourself more. The older your baby gets, the more they can interact - sitting up, crawling, pulling themselves up to stand etc. That also tends to mean that they get more tired. Keep doing the things that seem to work. Your hormones are still crazy at this stage; breastfeeding generally generates positive hormones but a friend of mine was made sad by her breastfeeding hormones. It feels never-ending right now; it’s felt that way to a lot of us but it really does get better.

I have to say, I MUCH prefer paid babysitters to my mum looking after my DS. I think you'll find going back to Paris and finding a good babysitter plus nursery will be much better than the current arrangement.

Invest time and money in a really good one, and your life will be transformed. I always round up her hourly fee, plus tip, give her cash gifts for birthdays etc ( I find a reason once every 6 weeks or so).

A good babysitter: 1) will do exactly what you say, 2) will never question you (within reason), 3) will have tons of experience of babies and toddlers (mine is like a magic nap lady, no one else can put my son to sleep as fast as she can). There's also no guilt or feeling like someone is doing you a favour.

We had a nanny for my son between 6 months and almost 2 years old when he went to nursery and I loved her so much.

My mum was actually jealous and kept suggesting she come over to do some of the care and I very politely and firmly refused.

Yes it definitely got easier, but part of that was acceptance of it rather than life changing to accommodate me. Also small things help, finishing breastfeeding allows a tiny new freedom, moving onto solids means less frequent feeds etc. Soon you'll have a predictable routine and can manage life to some degree around it, like going for coffee with sleeping baby or a long walk. Not saying it's easy but you learn to appreciate every little moment that you get. Baby is relatively boring now but soon will interact and they can be so much fun. I never ever regretted my kids in a real way it was just a fleeting thing and was due to mourning my old life as much as anything. I have friends who don't have kids and they can find life exhausting too, some seek fulfilment elsewhere. There is no easy way to live life and no decision that doesn't occasionally leave you pondering at 4am if you got it all wrong.

I wonder if it would be worth trying formula. My son was ravenous and would cry until he was feed more. At the end of feedings, we would put his final ounce in a slow flow bottle/nipple and that helped him get to sleep. Even though he was only sucking on the bottle eventually he was happy with that.

People who say the worst is yet to come had an easy baby that slept all day and lay on a mat playing with toys while they got on with stuff. So then when the toddler whining started, or they had to stop their crawling baby eating the wifi router everything felt really hard.

No a colicky baby that cried a lot, woke 2hrly, only contact napped whilst triple feeding. But as a toddler still only contact napped, now woke hourly (or more) plus the usual toddler stuff and work.

I could equally say that those that thought newborn was the worst clearly had calm, sleeping toddlers. But that would be a huge generalisation wouldn't it 😉.

Different people find different things hard. I think where there's PND & anxiety problems, babies are going to feel a lot harder because they give so little back. Hopefully the OP will find things improve.

Just a thought on the best baby advice I had. And I know you've had a lot, but this one is a bit different.

My best advice didn't come from books, or friends, or the internet. It came from watching animals parent. Its unspoken.

Think of an orangutan - they have lower infant mortality than we've had through most of history. They are excellent at keeping their young well. They read no books. There are no nap windows, no leaps, regressions, tummy time. All the things we stress over, they don't do. They love, and they cuddle and feed, and they do an excellent job.

It's not that advice isn't useful, but sometimes it can become overwhelming and contradictory. Watching animals parent with calm confidence based on instincts helped me trust my own more.

So I might sound a bit weird here, but it helped me. Just remember that a lot of what we worry about is noise, and often if we try to go back to our instinct, we won't go far wrong.

@Babyboomtastic I don't think that's weird at all. I respect that, but I'm just not sure it's helping me. Looking after this little one is not coming instinctively to me. I don't know instinctively what he wants, why he is crying, or whether he has reflux or not, or whether he has CMPA and I am right be avoiding cow's milk.

I get that, and specific issues like allergies definitely need investigating. I'd guess though that your instincts are probably more spot on than you realise, it's just hard to trust them when everything seems overwhelming.

I think the biggest thing right now is the massive change of life. I can tell you i found this to be unbelievably difficult, I was insanely jealous of those without children despite really wanting one.

@Dontlletmedownbruce I think this is a product of modern society as nowadays having children is a definite life choice, not something that inevitably happened to most women as it did 50 years ago, for example. Back then, we would've had so much more exposure to babies throughout our lives - whereas when I had my DD, I'd literally only held babies a couple of times. That's why it's such a massive life change for many people, we're pretty clueless!

@BrendaSouleymanThis may sound facile, but instead of feeling jealous, perhaps try to view your choice as taking one path at a fork in the road - you chose motherhood instead of continuing with your childfree life, and it's a new, challenging adventure. Your son will be an adult far longer than he is a child and being a parent to a young adult is great judging by my personal experience. DD (20) and I are going on a city break soon, for example, we enjoy each other's company. You have all this to look forward to.

You’re going to love the toddler stage then! He’ll be talking so all guess work is redundant.

The having to guess is why I hated the baby stage. I’ve loved every stage since.

@Opentoconvo I remember an appalling night when baby DS literally cried all night - we took him to the doctor's the following morning and it turned out that he had a nasty ear infection.

A year later, he developed another one, but by then, he could tell us early on that his ear was hurting and it was treated before it became too painful. It's amazing when they can talk!

That is not true (about having babies at 44)! I missed that one, but what a nasty comment. Women have babies at all sorts of ages, and have done for generations. In my own family it's normal, my maternal grandmother had my aunt at 45, my mum was late 30s early 40s and I'm late 30s (and would love to go again if I could). That age range is also completely normal in my peer group. A large proportion of the mums that I've met through baby groups are in the same age bracket as me, and they are excellent mums (as are you; struggling right now doesn't mean you're a bad mum).

Absolutely nonsense, older mums make great mums.

I get the extra pair of hands feeling. I think though when thinking of moving back to Paris, its hard to imagine that the baby he is now won't be the baby you take there. In the sense that this phase will end, where he is colicky and crying a lot, where you need people to jiggle him around. My son wouldn't go in the pram the first 6 months of his life, he screamed every single time and it made me a depressed hermit. He now requests to sit in the pram when we are out and i could never have imagined that happening when we were in the thick of it. You don't have to be stuck forever there, you can make plans to move when things feel even slightly more manageable, and regain some familiarity of your old life.

On friday my friend babysat while i went out with colleagues and had a couple of beers in the sun. A year ago I couldn't have imagined that I could regain that sense of normality back so soon. Of course, i came home and had to get up at 6 am and a couple times in the night (my son still breastfeeds and wakes up in the night which is really hard but I have adapted and it goes through cycles of better times and rougher times). But then we had a lovely day with friends on the beach yesterday and an ice cream, and it felt like the weekend was like a blend of both worlds. I still look at friends with partners who have much more freedom and feel a pang of envy, but I mostly would say that I can now see how it gets easier over time, and its getting more and more fun. It does not at all now resemble the difficulties and limitations of the very early months

Looking back I also really struggled with the baby stage because they couldn't tell me what was wrong. I've found every stage much easier as a result. Instincts are over-rated imo, it really helps to be told what's up!

"I'm still in some kind of trauma about everything I've mentioned - the baby's crying, the lack of sleep, the loss of my freedom and identity, the fact that l didn't feel this overwhelming, all-consuming love that I thought I would."

This really struck a chord with me, because it's exactly how I used to feel. You are right in the thick of it at the moment, but I promise you, it gets SO much better and easier.

100% agree!

Thank you @IButtleSir and @ScotiaLass and @orzo15
@orzo15 can I ask what age is your little one? 😃

My eldest is in their early teens. I definitely found the first year with my eldest the hardest. I found things get easier as they begin to sleep more, communicate and become a bit more independent. My youngest arrived when my eldest was three and by that time I was much more at ease with the shift in my identity and my lifestyle so found being a mother much less stressful (I found going back to work really helpful because it confirmed that I could be a mum and have some of my previous life at the same time, which didn't feel possible in the very early days). Now my eldest is a great age because we have more things in common and we get on really well. The baby years felt like they went on forever at the time, but looking back they went in the blink of an eye. Hang on in there - it will get easier!

@BrendaSouleyman, I've been thinking about this thread since I posted earlier. You are getting a lot of noise from mums who want to warn you that things may not necessarily get easier as your baby gets older and that's not helpful. The toddler years can be challenging in their own way (as are all the ages!) but it's fairly clear that you're having a really difficult time at the moment so things will absolutely get easier. You're in a perfect storm of having an unsettled baby, being uprooted from you pre-baby life and suffering from PND. Objectively I don't things can get much worse than that in the course of a typical motherhood. Ignore anyone that says otherwise.

You're doing the right thing in talking about your mental health, and getting help with that. I can't remember if you've said that you are getting CBT but if not I'd really recommend it because it really helps with the fatalist thinking that you seem to be having (thinking that you can't cope, worrying about what will happen if things don't improve/get worse).

I know it's difficult but keep making time to do things for yourself. Whether it's going for a walk, having a bath, going to the cinema, reading a book, whatever you can fit in that makes you feel better and a little bit more like your old self. If you can get along to mother and baby groups chat to the Mums about who they are and what they are into rather than just talking about baby stuff - that really helped me feel more human again (I had moved to a small town early in my maternity leave and initially assumed all the Mums at the baby groups were just Mums who were different to me because so much of my identity was constructed around my professional life; but once I got talking I met a producer from the BBC, an artist and an academic doing some really interesting research, as well as people who had more run-of-the-mill backgrounds but were still lovely people).

And don't lose your connection with your old life in Paris. Hunker down, accept the support from your Mum, sleep when you can and accept that your life looks quite different for now. But make plans to get back - have a plan to return to your job, your apartment and to get baby into nursery. I assure you that once your mental health has recovered a bit, your baby is sleeping a bit more, they are able to communicate better with you, and you've got some of your old life back things will seem 100% better.

This is extremely helpful and kind. Thank you.

I think you are really suffering from displacement and the loss of your identity pre motherhood. The baby is difficult but all the other things make it much worse.again: resume your previous life with the baby as an add on and I think things will feel better.