Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

I very much suspect this is the exception not the rule. I doubt op is going to have 2 children for starters.

It does get better (maybe not for a long time if you have 3, but you're not going to do that OP!).

My DD didn't sleep through reliably until over 3, but she certainely improved over those 3 years, every sleep regression is hard but a little less hard than the previous one.

You don't need to tell you mum everytime you go to the toilet, stick baby in a sling (wrap/ t shirt slings are good, or stick a baby bouncer or car seat on the bathroom floor that you can put baby in whilst peeing or showering (they love the sound of running water, and you know what?! No harm will come to him if you put him down safely but crying and go for a dump!

Get a thermos mug, so you can have a nice warm cup of tea (it beats microwaved tea).

Your baby doesn't need to go into care he needs you, and you don't need to be perfect.

It does get easier. Ignore those that say it doesn't. I clearly remember thinking that I ruined my life and spent months wishing time away. People would say to me "enjoy it while he's young" and I would be screaming internally "enjoy what?? I am utterly sleep deprived and my relationship is crumbling". Single parent from 9 months and that baby is now 13 years old. I found it so tough but it got easier monthly by month.

Ok so some women do not react well to the hormone plunge after you have a baby. It can be hellish. Added to that babies are extremely hard going usually, sleep deprivation is torturous, and you’ve uprooted your life. Silent reflux is definitely a thing and some babies are high needs. You are were you are though. You will eventually ‘give in’ to the lack of life. I fought mentally against the relentlessness of it for years. You will start finding joy in your child and all the mundane shit like going to the park and playgroups. In the meantime take the antidepressants. They’ll take the edge off it all.

It’s a massive change and your move from Paris can be a temporary one - aim to go back there by a certain date and use nurseries and paid care. I’d be depressed if I had to live with my mum in my old hometown.
Be wary of mirtazapine - I found it worked but felt starved so put on a lot of weight.
You do sound like you have PND and once that’s lifted you have so much to look forward to.
You don’t have to breastfeed either - I think it’s easier than bottles but do whatever is best for both of you.

I have two children aged 2 and 3, nearly 4.
For me it has become easier when they could express their wishes somehow, initially by pointing and a little baby signing and then talking. And then the funny conversations that we're starting to get. The eldest genuinely makes me laugh at what he says and his little expressions.
You've got the right idea by cosleeping in my opinion. About 7 months in I realised this was the best way to get the most sleep. You're sleeping/dozing/at least lying down whilst baby feeds or wriggles- once I cottoned on to why this is biologically normal for animals and indeed still the norm in many non-Western countries I could see how mad I was for persevering with the ridiculous walking around the room trying to jiggle to sleep.
I also agree with @Barbieplane about your sister comparing 3 children with your 1. When I am with just one of my children, parenting is incredibly so much easier. My entire focus can be on them. No pulling in 2 directions feeling guilty for both. Whatever toy or activity is entirely suitable for the age and likes of that one child. I think you having 1, and presumably because of your age and circumstances, not being very likely to have more, will find it a lot easier than your sister does. However - I didn't realise this until I had 2 children, and had anyone tried to tell me I wouldn't have been impressed! I'm not saying you should be finding it easy- I absolutely didn't either as a first time mother - but to point out that your parenting experience need not be like your sister's.

I can totally relate to how you are feeling op. I too have an ivf baby, born when I was almost 42. This baby was years in the making, much wanted. My baby seemed to never sleep. I could never work out why he was crying. It seemed to be relentless, I just couldn’t seem to settle him. He hated being in the car, he literally screamed the moment the car started until it stopped. I live very rurally and can’t walk to shops or anything. I then avoided going anywhere. Never went to one mother & baby group, terrified my baby would cry all the way there and also while I was there because I wasn’t confident I would be able to settle him.
I also avoided meeting people with him incase he cried and I couldn’t settle him. I didn’t want anyone to think I was a rubbish mum who couldn’t soothe my own baby.
I know realise I probably had post natal depression. I couldn’t admit that to anyone at the time because I had waited so long for my baby I just wanted everything to be perfect.
Looking back I wish I had asked for help. I understand you already have asked for help, please keep talking to your perinatal team.
I can tell you that it does get better. I promise you, it definitely does.
My son slept through the night at 14 weeks. That lasted until he started teething. When I had managed to get some sleep myself, I started to feel a little better. Then a lot better. I felt as though I wasn’t running on empty anymore and when he started not sleeping at night again due to teething, I was definitely more resilient, I didn’t feel fragile like I did before. I shudder when I think of how I felt in the early days of parenthood and how erratic my thinking was.
I didn’t do any sleep training with my baby he just slept all night by himself one night, it wasn’t a gradual thing either it just happened.
I wasn’t able to breastfeed so he was formula fed.

Please hang in there, better days are ahead for you and your son. Sending you much love and positive vibes. X

OP I’m a child professional with a fancy title and had PND. The first thing I did was bin those bastard books- they made me ill. I then changed tack and saw having a baby as starting a new friendship/relationship. We were two people, new to one another and it would take time to work out what we both liked/disliked/needed, etc. you get the idea! Motherhood is one of the hardest job I’ve ever had but it’s also the greatest leveller- we all struggle in some way, shape or form. Cut yourself some slack.

if it helps make you feel better, I had my DC in quick succession (I wouldn’t recommend that) and when my youngest was 6 months old, I realised my marriage was over. It took another couple of years in an abusive relationship for him to move out and for me and the DC to find our own rhythm- we’re still working on some things! I think what I’m trying to say is, get rid of the expectations and stop searching for answers to everything to do with babies/children- they’re all different and just like us adults, they run on hormones too- certain hormones will kick in when it’s the right time for your baby (eg. Sleep!) and things will eventually begin to feel better. Oh and If you’re financially solvent and had a good support network in France, move back but definitely seek support while you’re here and living with your mum. Keep posting on here- MN and cosleeping saved my sanity!

It doesn't really get easier but it changes, it becomes more rewarding when you start seeing them hit milestones and when they can interact with you. The freedom slowly comes back too.
Could you look into hiring a nanny to help out? Give you some time to do things for your own wellbeing and to get more sleep?

It does get better! (For me) there is no comparison between 4 months and (currently) 14 months. Everything is so much easier. My child does not (routinely) sleep through, but waking 1-2 times a night is easy to deal with compared with the hourly/two hourly wakings.

Re not knowing why baby cries - I don't think I ever figured this out! I remember my HV asking if I could recognise different cries for hungry/tired, etc., and I said yes out of embarrassment, but honestly I don't think there was any difference. It took a long time for me to figure out what she wanted (like eight months, maybe??) but we understand each other brilliantly now and she's a very happy, easy toddler.

You're in the thick of it now, but it's super early days - give it time and you'll find your feet.

Agree with others about moving back to Paris and maybe even going back to work. What's best for your child is having a mum who's as happy as she can be. I was told repeatedly after the birth that 'baby is the most important thing' but that's bullshit. Mum is the most important thing - if you don't help yourself, you can't help the baby.

It does get easier. I'm a solo mum with two donor-conceived kids so I get how hard it is. Here's a few things that might help

Get a second opinion on the silent reflux and ask about Omeprozale. I had reflux in both pregnancies and gaviscon did nothing. Omeprozale totally stopped my reflux and it can be prescribed for babies.

I managed to get my baby to take a bottle of breastmilk from someone else from about 6 weeks which gave me some freedom (theatre trip) and opportunities for longer sleep (you will wake up with sore full breasts though). Could your mum try giving him a bottle?

Do plan to move back to Paris and get some childcare in place. I doubt that being alone with the baby will be harder and more upsetting than you're finding it living back at 'home.'

Be kind to yourself. You've been through a lot of change in the last year and it takes time to process it.

Motherhood is so difficult, it's such a change to the freedoms of being child free and honestly nothing can prepare you for it. My mentle health crumbled after my second baby, I realise now i should have pushed for more help but being gaslight by my ex constantly to make me think i had no reason to be struggling and it was all my fault probably didnt help. I didnt physically leave unil my youngest was 2 but i was vertually a single mother with an abusive partner for those 2 years. I've been a single mother for a long time now and and its much easier than being with the wrong person so being kn your own definitely has some advantages. Life isnt all sunshine and roses and eome days are so hard but I am in a place that makes me happy with the people who make me happiest. One of mine slept amzing from about 7 months and another slept all the time until they were 7 months then didn't sleep for years, kids are all different and as they say comparison is the theif of joy. The anxiety youre feeling will be another cause of exhaustion and I honestly want to give you the biggest hug.
Reflux is so hard, we tilted the crib, avoided gripe water as it made it worse for us and my child lived in the sling so that they were up right and we survived just like you will when you figure out what works for you and he hopefully outgrows it soon.
You sounds like a good mum. If you weren't you wouldn't be trying so hard to get better for your wee guy. Can your sister and your mum or a friend take the baby out for a few hours so you can nap? And you do the same for your mum?
Try concentrate on the small moments of joy like a new mini milestone reached or a hot cup of tea or a warm bath and build up to looking for small things that bring joy and try get outside when you can, walking in nature helps me.
You will be ok, this is just a rough bit

It DOES get better OP. The first six months are the hardest. Mine didn’t sleep through till 12 months but it was still a lot easier from six months. The sleep deprivation makes you feel like you are losing your mind. There were many days when I thought I couldn’t go on. Please don’t make any rash decisions like putting your baby into care. When he is one you could move back to Paris or to Dublin where there is more going on. Once you go back to work and he is in childcare it won’t feel so all consuming. When I finished work, I couldn’t wait to see my bubbas because I had had a break from the tedium. And when he’s a bit older you ca leave him overnight and have a night out at the theatre or a gig. Hang in there. Some good advice from a PP about doing something for yourself eg Mum ans bag yoga. Find some good box sets for the long days or you can stream their productions. Listen to the parenting hell podcast!

I can only assume those who say it doesn’t get easier either haven’t experienced PND or have a particularly unique set of circumstances that make motherhood additionally challenging. While the challenge and pressure changes, the level of intensity in those early months are unmatched.

They're not all like that. I'd say both of mine were reliably sleeping through before they were one, albeit waking in that bracingly early way that small children do. But I did sleep train at 6 months.

Gosh honestly op this brings back so many memories for me, that genuinely id just forgotten about. The panic about silent reflux, the worrying if theres allergies and staying up all night trying to plan food for myself that cut out different food groups, the conflicting info from midwives and drs and health visitors and family.
I forgot it all happened, that’s probably partly why people say it doesn’t get easier, because they forget all those things! It’s easy to see the cows milk thing wasn’t a big deal when you have a happy healthy 5 year old, but when you’re in it and don’t know how it’ll turn out and you haven’t slept in days, it’s everything to you.

im not a doctor so please do what you think is medically best, but i decided that giving one thing to help the reflux that needed another thing to help the side effects, then adding in things like gripe water etc was all too much and I did nothing, I just breast fed on demand and held dc the rest of the time. I barely survived the first few months, but they are so lovely and secure and happy now and there’s no indication they had any health issues, they just liked being held and facing the world to see what was going on. It’s worth noting that gripe water can cause constipation.
just keep going op, take care of yourself and just know that even friends of mine with caring husbands, Nannies and doting family have a hard time in those few months. You’re finding it hard because it is hard

What comes across very clearly in your posts is that you are incredibly conscientious and trying so hard to get things right for your little one. Things that strike me:

1. The way an older baby/toddler is sleepless is quite different from the way a little baby is sleepless. It is nothing like so brutal, even if the actual hours of wakefulness are the same (and it would be very unusual if they were). By the time a child is two or so, yes, you'd love it if they went to sleep but they are old enough you can do things like saying 'well, it is Saturday morning and mummy needs a nap, mummy is tucking herself up on the sofa under a blanket while you play' and you can snooze in bits in a way you just can't with a tiny baby.

2. The first bout of sleeplessness rewires your brain and your body in a way that never really changes, I think. I remember feeling viscerally, brutally awful that I was being jerked out of the lovely pool of sleep I needed to sink into. For better or worse, I just don't feel like that about sleep any more. I don't ever sleep that deeply. I don't miss it, either. It's just shifted.

3. You need to find the little wins. You're nervous about going out in case the baby cries - ok, but you need the little things where you have a human interaction and someone makes you feel, briefly, seen as a human being or validated as a lovely wonderful mother. I recommend supermarkets at OAP peak shopping time for the latter, but you do you. Find something that makes you feel as if you're performing 'my perfect life' for a few minutes and enjoy it. You especially need this validation because you're on your own. If it means sitting in a fancy coffee shop with cake for twenty whole minutes, do that. Whatever. Just do the things that let you get a fleeting moment of feeling you're really smashing being a mum and this is a nice life you've got.

4. Remember you got to 44, did IVF, and did it all alone. You have huge reserves of determination and resilience that a lot of people don't have when they first become parents. You seem to be worrying as much about what might happen in the future as what's happening now - but look at what got you here. You've got this.

7 year old is much easier than a 4 year old and far easier than a toddler. A 14 year old can make toddler tantrums look like a walk in the park though

i think things like this are why people say it’s not easier. No disrespect to this poster but a 14 year old won’t be having multiple tantrums every day typically. And in between the tantrums they can make themselves food, get themselves dressed, you can leave them unattended to go get a shower etc. elements may be difficult or test you in new ways, but you won’t also be juggling the hormones, the exhaustion, the recovering body, the whole life change and a fragile tiny baby and the relentlessness of a newborn.

I don’t know if anyone else has said it, but it’s also particularly unrewarding in those first few weeks. You’re not getting much back from them. In a few weeks baby will start smiling and laughing, playing, trying to roll and sit and in a few months they’ll be calling your name and sharing your food and cuddling you back and that’s all so nice, and breaks up the relentlessness!

I remember posting on here when my first was 6 weeks asking very similar questions. You sound as if you have PND and PNA. I had both and therapy helped.

I remember thinking to myself I just need to hang on for the first year. I just need to stay alive and put one foot in front of the other. My baby is 6 soon - I made it. You will be okay but you are in the trenches right now.

it gets so much easier. the first 6 months are relentless. I found after 6 months bonding was much easier with weaning and learning lots of new skills like rolling and sitting. Your baby will sleep through the night. My eldest did at 9 months, my youngest did at 3 months. The sleep is always up and down with illnesses teething and regressions but at the moment you have a massive sleep deficit, it will take time to find your equilibrium again.

Having kids isnt easy . I sleep better now they are 5 and 3 but there are other challenges. It is so much easier now though than when they were little - they can feed and dress themselves and toilet themselves.

a sling will help you have free hands while he sleeps.

send me a private message if you want to chat or if I can help at all xx

I’ve had a newborn and a toddler and teenagers at the same time and I can assure you despite the toddler having multiple tantrums a day and being up several times in the night, frequent illnesses, needing constant supervision and being quite hard work as toddlers are, it was absolutely nothing compared to some of the issues you can have to deal with a 14 year old. Social and mental health issues, school refusal, wondering where they’ve disappeared off to and worried you might get taken to court, having to consider giving up work due to above, Money going missing, your teenager walking out the door at 11pm and not being able to do thing about it, being violently attacked during their meltdowns, shop
lifting/police involvement. These issues can totally overwhelm parents and the whole household. Sometimes it’s other issues like your teenager being subject to awful bullying etc. Yes sometimes having a teenager is a walk in the park if you’re lucky but the issues they can have don’t begin to compare to a toddler that has a meltdown then cheers up 15 minutes later with a game of pat a cake. I say that as someone who has a 1 year old at the moment who is up at least 4-–5 times a night, have spent the last hour getting to sleep and has been a struggle to do dishwasher today with let alone go to the toilet, yes of course it’s hard and relentless but absolutely doesn’t compare. Personally absolutely love the newborn stage, nothing in the world nicer than snuggling up with precious newborn, they are light and tiny so not so bad even if need to carry them around if they won’t settle. 3-9 months wonderful as usually will be put down but not yet mobile and starting to smile etc and just generally quite content even if they are still up feeding every 2-3 hours

My daughter is 3 and has been sleeping through the night since before she was 1. Please do not let this poster scare you. Get your child into a good routine early. Do not spiral thinking you won’t sleep for 5 years, that is definitely not the case for everyone, and it’s not what you need right now.
I’m sorry you are going through this, it’s an awful feeling. For what’s it worth I felt exactly the same as you in the first weeks/months of my daughter’s life and was also researching how I could put her into care. I now absolutely love being her mum.
Going back to work and regaining some independence will also help when you’re ready.

honestly OP the baby stage is SO hard and especially as a LP (can concur, was one!). it does get easier, bit by bit as they get older. Please do seek help. And try to accept that this is the new normal, at least for now. Acceptance is one of the best things because you can't change things at least in the short to medium term. Focus on what you can change rather than what you can't - that might be small things each day - e.g buy something to make life easier, a small thing here or there you can do to improve things. And do get help from your GP, Trust me I felt like this so long also. As a lone parent it can be extremely punishing at times. you've got this!

I don’t think most teenagers are attacking their parents and most parents aren’t thinking about giving up work because they can’t cope with their teens. This is a possibility but not the story of everyone or even most people, whereas pretty much everyone struggles a bit with sleep and birth recovery and getting set up as a first time parent.
Im sorry if this is your experience it sounds terribly hard, but I’m also not sure a thread where op is considering putting her newborn into care because she’s struggling so much, is the place to tell her about all the difficulties she might, but probably won’t have in 14 years.

Maybe having babies at the same time as having a teenager is part of the problem, that’s a complicated family dynamic that may have exasperated issues.

Your experience is the outlier. Mental health issues and school refusal is not the common experience, yes there are challenges in the teenage years, but you’re not literally trying to keep them alive in the way you are a baby or toddler. I really don’t know what you think you’re doing talking to a mentally vulnerable women about your extreme example?