Going through hell in early single motherhood

[BrendaSouleyman]

I am a single mother, aged 44, of a baby boy born late January. My baby was very much longed-for and was conceived using IVF donor sperm. Since he was born, however, things have been awful. I feel no joy, just panic and terror. I moved from Paris, where I lived for 21 years, back to my native north -west of Ireland, in with my mum in order to get some support with the baby but I miss my freedom and my previous life more than I could ever express. The fact that I had my freedom for so long (as I said, I'm 44) is a big factor. I had a lovely life and could hop on a flight or go to the theatre at the drop of a hat; now I have to tell my mum when I go for a pee and ask her to mind the baby. I may across as dense- of course I realised having a baby would curtail my freedom but I never imagined how I'd feel about the lack of freedom. I thought I was ready for it, but it's actually hell. I can not believe that I have traded in my lovely life for this -and I feel devastated that something (a much-longed for status as mother) that I wanted so much is causing me so much pain.
I've moved back in with my mum in the small, grey, town where I grew up. I attend mother and baby groups and they are very well and good, the other mums are very friendly, but it doesn't help with complete and utter despair. Their babies are older than mine and still aren't sleeping through the night (at ten or eleven months old)- which is apparently normal- I'd read in books that a baby should be able to sleep through the nightvat six months, which I now know is codswallop. The other mothers all have partners and I think that helps. My mother was helping me at night with the baby but, very sleep-deprived, she had a car accident a month ago. Thankfully she is OK but the passenger in the other car said she took a pregnancy test before the accident and iit was positive; another test a few days after the accidnet was negative. My mother's car is a write-off so we're taking taxis everywhere. My mother had to make a statement to the police. She's never had so much as a parking ticket in her life.

My older sister (who has three children aged 8, 6 and 4) picked me up from a mother and baby group yesterday. I asked her when things get easier, she said "It doesn't get easier, Brenda! They grow up and start answering back. I got kicked in bed last night (two of her kids get into bed with her in the middle of the night). I love my children but if I had my time over again, I honestly don't think I'd have had them." To be fair to my sister, she knows I've been anxious but she doesn't know that every minute of every day has been absolute hell. Her words left me despairing. And as I went to post this thread, I saw a thread started by a mother of a two year-old who said her sons sleep has regressed and that hes throwing tantrums, and she was asking if things get better.
So here have I been counting down the days and weeks until my baby cries less, sleeps more, deperately Googling when I will get a bit more freedom or when I will feel this overwhelming love that makes it all worthwhile-but it seems that there is no end to this hell in sight.

I am in contact with mental health services in my local Trust. A psychiatrist in the local Trust perinatal mental health service has suggested anti-depressant called Mirtazapine which is compatible with breastfeeding but I was prescrived various anti- depressants many years ago and none had any effect. The psychiatrist knows that and is not at all forcing me to take them. Also, I couldn't co-sleep with the baby if I take an anti-depressant and co- sleeping is how I get some sleep at night. I have had sessions with a CBT therapist who says the way I am feeling is not unusual but that it does get better. Yet I read plenty of posts from parent of two and three year olds who are still going through hell, and then that comment from my sister yesterday that it doesnt get easier has augmented my despair.
All I know is that I can not go on like this.
My baby son is so beautiful but I have been researching if i can put him into care. It would break my heart, but I really do not think I could live for more months like this. I have been doing everything "right"- in contact with the local perinatal mental health services and seeing a counsellor- and I still don't see any hope.

I was 42 when had my son parenting isnt easy at any age. But now my son is 3 only up at night when ill.

Your baby will absolutely sleep more and cry less, they do all do this at different times - but they get there.

As baby gets older you will also have choices and more influence over their sleep. Most older babies dont need milk at night and you can choose to night wean later in the year, and there are lots of methods of sleep training if this is right for you both.

It is totally valid to mourn a carefree life. But if you are finding no joy in your baby this does sound like PND. The meds vs. cosleeping isn't an easy choice, but personally I would treat the PND.

Your sister may be doom mongering but remember she has had multiple babies, presumably by choice. I just had my 2nd after a biiiig age gap by IVF so I can say it gets better and I thought it was worth doing again!

With respect to that gut wrenching dread - that definitely does go. You don't have several years of that or anything. It slowly gets replaced with joy when they fall into a routine. Each longer stretch feels like winning the lottery. Then one day you wake up in a panic at 5am because they haven't woken up and you think something awful must have happened. Chasing that becomes something like witchcraft - 'they napped at exactly x and ate y amount - must do that every time'. It happens more and more until they just...sleep. There will be odd nights when they don't, of course, but by then you love them enough that you WANT to look after them in the night rather than the teary despair when you hear the slightest noise

Mum of a 2 and 4 year old here. One child is a LOT easier than the three your sister has, so her fly away comment isn’t really relevant to you. When her eldest started to get easier she had the next child and so on. Juggling more than one child is HARD. If you stick at 1 child you will find your baby is most likely will be sleeping MUCH better by one and you’ll have an evening and decent night’s sleep. They will be a huge deal easier again when they’re about 3 and by 4 and 5 he’ll be your little friend.

Moving home wasn’t a ‘mistake’, it sounds like a sensible thing to do while you’re finding your feet and it’s probably the ‘right’ thing for this particular stage. Just take it month by month and you revaluate where to live later.

Very sorry that you feel like this OP. I don’t have much to suggest but please don’t renounce your child. Things will definitely get better. Don’t pay too much heed to mums of older babies saying they don’t sleep — people love to moan and in my experience, babies do eventually get the knack of sleep. This too will pass.

My midwife suggested I drink fennel tea to help with colic … I did and it helped I think. There’s also cranial osteopathy which can help fussy babies.

I wouldn’t say it’s totally true that they don’t get easier, would say a newborn is easier than a toddler but a 4 year is easier than a toddler and a 7 year old is much easier than a 4 year old and far easier than a toddler. A 14 year old can make toddler tantrums look like a walk in the park though 🤣
Seriously though, I think many first time older mums find the transition difficult initially but seem to be really enjoying it by the time their little one is a bit older

What about finding childcare for a couple of afternoons a week?

Good suggestion, a bit of a break can do wonders

It’s such a big change becoming a mum, but it will get easier. Sleepless nights are really tough, but should lessen in the coming months. Congrats on your baby boy. You have so much to look forward to OP, believe me the time flies, they grow up so quick. At this stage with my two, it was literally just surviving each day tbh. Try not too worry the bond will build.

I think some of the problem is moving away from Paris, not the baby. Being in a dull gray town compared to a big city is hard. FWIW I did something similar when left pregnant and alone, leaving London to go home to parents. It took a long time to adjust but actually going back to London with my child have me a different perspective on things and I no longer yearned to go back.

also, throw the rule book out and do things you want. I took my child overseas to somewhere I used to live when he was 4 months old. My parents thought I was mad but we had a great time. Don’t let having a baby take away your old personality, bring that to your style of motherhood.

In your shoes I’d consider moving back to Paris if it was in any way financially possible.

Good for you

@BrendaSouleymanI wanted to offer solidarity as I mourn my pre-baby life too. I can't just do what I want when I want and the lack of freedom and spontaneity is difficult for me. However (as much as I miss the cuteness of when my child was tiny) the older they get the more I enjoy their company. So it is an adjustment to a very different life but this new life does have it's rewards, you're just in the trenches now. My baby didnt sleep and I found that unless people have experienced a child who doesnt sleep, they cannot possibly understand how hard it is.
I also wanted to add that Gavison for reflux really can constipate babies, even breastfed ones, so be aware of that. I tried it with my child when they were young and stopped giving it almost immediately as it made them constipated.

I just had a baby at 43, and also live in Paris. I had a really difficult first 6 months, was diagnosed with PPD and am now on antidepressants. I now (baby is 8 months) feel much much better! I would definitely suggest this option.

Also in Paris (as you probably know) there is very good and quite cheap 'creche'. I think it would be good for you and the baby, and give you a break to think / do other things.

I also have older children and it definitely does get easier. My older ones are sassy and can be annoying... But the feeling of complete dependency goes away and day to day is much more enjoyable. You will get through this .. I suggest you come back to Paris where older mother are very common and lots of support is available.

Sleep deprivation is the absolute worst thing, I literally couldn’t think straight with it. It affected everything. I don’t think I understood it on my first because I had no frame of reference but it was more obvious on the second go.

Motherhood is like punching a fist through the picture that was your life. I used to think about places I could abandon my first where he’d be safe and looked after at the same time loved him so much it hurt physically when he cried.

One of mine had so much wind, that it took longer to get that up than it did to feed him. I used to walk up and down the landing with him on my shoulder and chest, and there was a track worn in the carpet. I didn’t know until I read it on here to keep going until his little legs went floppy. I thought once he burped I could put him down and of course he’d wake and cry again.

There’s challenges in all stages of motherhood but most people have one phase that’s particularly hard for them, and if you listen to enough people you’d think it’s all a slog. For me it was the first two years. Once we got through that I never looked back. They’re teens now and a joy in comparison.

I’m also a solo mum by choice with a little boy who’s 17 months now.
It is incredibly difficult.

i sleep trained at 5 months old and it changed the game for me. I got my evenings back just to have a bit of down time. Mostly just sitting down and doom scrolling

also I found two other local solo mums and we tend to see each other every other weekend. They can relate to me far more than partnered mums (not saying it isn’t difficult for them but it’s very different)

it gets easier. I promise. It’s still hard but when their personalities come through it changes things.

OP early parenthood is one big WTF have I done. The longer you wait and the older you are then the more that bites.

Your (and the general) craving for certainty drives a multi million industry - there is no aspect of baby care that doesn’t have whole industries and experts promising the knowledge that brings the calm.

The truth is get basic care right and it doesn’t matter. Babies cry, toddler tantrum and being underfed or over tired makes everything worse. You can literally ignore most of it. Address your needs. Live where you love, eat where you like, watch what you want. Everything else will eventually sort itself out and one day you will realise you had a good day. You are in shock and it will pass. Everyone loves a sleeping baby the most. No one can promise you what your child will be like as a toddler or young child or teen but keep cuddling, keep talking and put yourself first and it nearly always works out just fine.

I felt like this at 33, I had PND but I got better without medication. I put her in nursery and got myself back into work and lived for us. You’re in the trenches. It’s hard. Your sister has 3 kids of course she’s struggling too. Honestly one and done is ok and you can focus on your son and just live. I’ll say I’ve now had another and enjoying it so much more. I’m ok now with life x

It’s the shock of capture Op. I had mine at 22 and had the fearful “I’ve signed my life away” feelings, particularly my youth etc. But I promise it was all very short lived, things settled, I even started enjoying it, and I wouldn’t change a thing now. I don’t think there is ever a perfect time or way of doing it, it’s going to be hard. But this stage passes. Predictability does come!

Yes, depends on your child as some are great sleepers, but often children don’t sleep through all night every night for a long time, then there’s when they’re sick or scared, or they wet the bed, or they’re just having a bad night. I have 2 DCs aged 5 and 2 and I can’t remember when I last had a proper nights sleep or lie in.

Re posts, people only post because they need to though. So say 9 people it has got better, no need to post, 1 it hasn't, they post, you read it and panic. But for the majority it's not like that.

Trying hard to be kind here as I remember how soul destroying the sleepless nights were but part of being a parent is putting your child's needs first. It will very likely get easier and your child will start to sleep through the night. Employ whatever help you need if you can afford it but whatever regret you might feel, your son is here and you need to deal with the reality of that.

OP you could be lucky - my daughter slept through from 4months old and has generally been a very easy kid (now a lovely 16-year-old and we are super close). I've been a single mum practically her whole life and paid for childcare whilst I worked. Definitely move back to Paris and pay for childcare (even a live-in nanny or au pair). Also try to slot your child into your own life as much as possible- not the other way around. Just do whatever you enjoy- cafes, going out to meet friends etc and take the baby with you in a pram 👍 You will feel better soon and honestly I've really enjoyed it 🥰

It does sound like you have PPD. I’m also currently suffering (although now medicated) and the feeling of being trapped and wanting to run was my biggest symptom.
also the first 6 month is definitely the hardest. By 6 months they are more in routine (and that does mean more sleep sometimes) so you can and go out and do things more.
if it gives you any hope my now 11 month old has been sleeping through the night for the last month. And my nearly 4 year old has slept through the night consistently for at least the past 2 years

I'm sorry OP. It is a huge adjustment and doing it alone plus being away from where you live is a massive thing.

In some ways you just have to lean in to it. It is hard but instead of resisting the lack of sleep, crying, exhaustion - lean into it, accept it as this is a time in your life but that it won't always be like this. Because it won't always be like this.

Investigate childcare. Look at moving back to Paris. Get back some of yourself & what makes you happy and things will look up.

You poor love you are having a hard time at the moment.

Take it step by step. Maybe anyone moving back from Paris to their hometown to live with their parents would feel a grief for the life they left behind. Is there an option for you to move to your own place nearby? Do you have a job to think about for in around a years time?

Your baby will sleep. It will take time and there will be regressions but you will get there. My first baby was a poor sleeper and it was soul destroying and all consuming. He woke up every 45 minutes. But it does pass. So much so that I even had a second baby and was prepared to do it again but then had a good sleeper! My children are 3 and 8 and they are everything.

Can your mum keep an eye on the baby say 8-10 so you can get some sleep and then she can go to bed? Have you got somewhere you can put the baby (bouncy chair etc) so you can go for a wee/shower without needing to ask?

Does your baby sleep in the pram? I walked miles with my first so that he would link two sleep cycles and be well rested so that he wasn’t overtired at night.