Should my 11-year-old be allowed more privacy from her father?

[Mandy1010]

My daughter is soon to be a 11yo. If she is in the bathroom her father will often go in there also to brush his teeth and do whatever he needs to do. In the past she has said to him that she is in there and can he come back when she has finished and not just barge in.

Last night at bedtime she was about to have a bath. She was already undressed. He went in to brush his teeth and do his bathroom routine. I overheard him telling her that she is not to lock the bathroom door as if she had a problem in there (•like a medical problem) that the lock is too strong and he wouldn’t be able to get in there to help. I kind of feel like he is saying it as he doesn’t want to be locked out and that at this age it is inappropriate.
I said it is ok for her to lock the door if she wants to but if she doesn’t lock it and door is shut he needs to knock and only come in if she allows it. I feel this is normal. Am I wrong??
she often likes me to be in the bathroom as company so I sit on the toilet but I only do this when she requests it. I am more than happy (would prefer to) chill else whilst she is in bath/shower. he seems to think if I am in there why cant he be. I feel like I am respecting her boundaries whereas he isn’t. Aside from the biological issue that he is male and I’m female.

I don’t think he is adjusting for the fact she is not a little girl anymore.

im just looking for other people perspective.

I asked her after, as unfortunately this argument played out in front of her, what she thought . She said that it more bothers her when she wants space in her bedroom and he just comes in anyway. But I worry she is just trying to keep the peace as we argued about it in front of her about it and also he got angry at her about something unrelated yesterday which will feel fresh and she may feel she doesn’t want to make him angry.

i feel like I need to have a conversation with him about this and assert her right to privacy but want to see others point of view before I do.

If the lock is not sufficient then get your daughter a couple of door wedges that she can keep to use behind the doors. So when she is in the bathroom or her bedroom nobody can come in and it is up to your DD. When she is older and still at home get a lock fitted on her bedroom door to protect her privacy when she is out.

I work in a secondary school if a pupil told me this was happening i would report it as a safeguarding issue. She is entitled to her privacy, she is asking him not to go in she needs to know she is listened too and her opinion matters.

I remember getting a shower fitted in our house when I was about your DD's age. My dad helped my two young siblings shower but with me just showed me how to operate it and said, you're old enough to shower on your own.

Your DH should be setting these examples of privacy and respect.

It took dh a while to get into the habit of knocking and waiting when ds started obviously wanting more privacy, and his space respected.

But, the difference was he agreed with us, it just took him a while to get into the habit and was constantly apologising.

If your dh does not agree she is entitled to privacy when she has asked for it, then that is very wrong (regardless of the sexes involved).

Absolutely! Your Daughter should have privacy and he should respect that. I would think it very strange if he wanted to be in the bathroom at the same time.

As a Dad myself I think you should definitely have a chat with him, My DD is turning 10 next week and earlier this year she asked me the same thing, I now have to knock before entering her room and such (shes also asked me to stop picking her up and giving her cuddles at her footy training in front of her mates 😂) . But yeah, it's a boundary and respect thing in my eyes - If i can't respect what she says and have that trust, then why would she feel obliged to tell me things that worry in her in confidence when shes older etc?

I don't think this is just about boundary and respect. A man barging into a room where he knows there is a naked almost 11 year old... that is really deranged behaviour

Yes this is not normal, safe or anything like ok. It would definately warrant a safeguarding referral if it was reported at school.

I live in an all female house, 2 daughters 11 and 12. My oldest started periods at 9 years old, youngest at 10 years old and are pretty developed.
My girls dont even like me walking in on them in states of undress, specially my youngest. So if they are in the bathroom I knock, we have an opaque shower curtain so me knocking gives them a chance to shut that if they are in the bath. I also knock if they are in their rooms before going in.
I think your husband needs to understand that his daughter is a developing tween and not a young child, therefore it is acceptable and healthy for her not to have people seeing her undressed. And the fact he is male does make a difference in my opinion, I am 36 and will sit and chat to my mom while she is in the bath. But I wouldn't do that with my dad

Please continue to stand up for your daughter! I still have horrible memories of my dad trying to get into the bathroom when I was trying to deal with my period as a young teenager. He stormed off saying why should he have to suffer.

I just wanted to learn how to use a tampon in peace.

He also wouldn't let me have a bath in peace. And I wish he'd worn underwear when wandering around the house.

Good thing is, I'm not fazed by nakedness now. But I would have appreciated more privacy in my teenage years.

It's about respecting your daughter's feelings about it. My parents didn't respect mine and I would have preferred it if they had.

He absolutely needs to respect her boundaries. My 10 year old son has been showering and changing in his room in private for a year or two now. I will always knock before I go in. I think you need to sit down and explain as children get older, regardless of their gender; we are all entitled to our privacy and to feel comfortable in a safe space. Him barging in makes her feel uncomfortable and that’s not on.

Good points. Also, she learns from you @HangryFox what to expect from her future relationships with men.

Hi OP I’d be nipping this in the bud ASAP. She’s probably in the midst of puberty it’s really inappropriate for him to be doing this and I can imagine your daughters feeling uncomfortable. Although my daughter only goes to her dads a couple evenings for a few hours she has a room she can have some peace and privacy as she has a wee brother who’s 1 and a bit full on. Her dad would never ever walk into the bathroom when she’s there. She would die inside if he did lol! It doesn’t sound like he’s doing it to be weird just feels way to comfortable and forgetting she’s getting older now xx

Why on earth would he think it’s ok to see an 11yo naked? Does he want to watch her having a wee and putting tampons in. Of course she should lock the door and you need to tell her to do so. Very unlikely she has an emergency and if so the fire brigade will soon break the door own.

most sexual abuse in from a family member and I’d be worried if my husband had acted like this. Maybe that’s why she wants you in the bathroom? Protection?

even if he isn’t abusing her he’s teaching her she has no autonomy over her body and any man who wants to can do what he wants regarding her body.

If your DD were to tell an adult in school about her father's behaviour around the bathroom/bedroom, he would be likely to find police/SS at the door, investigating. Quite apart from anything else he is being very foolish.
How ever do you put up with him?

Most definitely. I think his behaviour is. disgraceful. Makes me feel sick to my stomach.

Absolutely, I'd be close to phoning the LA there then if a child disclosed this in school. So many red flags.

It is a discussion that you need to have away form your DD - she does not need to witness this.

He is of course entirely in the wrong.

Just divorce him. He sounds like an awful man. She has told him not to walk in when she is naked and he has told her she has no tight to privacy.

You have two bathrooms. He has no need to go in when she is naked.

Does he always start his bedtime routine at the same time or did he do it at that time to walk in on her naked?

Not only that @Mandy1010 but also that you know about it and are allowing it.

My parents separated for a while when I was young and I used to stay at my dad's at weekends, one weekend the shower wasn't working so I had a bath instead, I struggled to wash my hair in the bath (long thick and curly) I was about 9/10 so I called out for help, I remember being surprised when my aunt who was visiting came up to help me instead, she did knock before coming in. It was only as I got a bit older I realised that my dad probably felt it was inappropriate at that age and was protecting my privacy. I didn't get my period until I was nearly 16 and I'm still pretty flat chested so it wasn't that, he just recognised i wasn't a little kid anymore. I appreciate that looking back.

He not only isn't recognising that she's growing up, she's outright asked him not to come in and to come back when she's finished , he can also use one of the other bathrooms, and yet he persists. It's not right and it's teaching her men can ignore her when she doesn't give consent.

I'd spell it out to him. She is way too old for her dad to be seeing her naked. He needs to respect her boundaries. It is weird and creepy to insist on entering and not letting her lock the door and honestly, he sounds like he is getting some sort of sexual thrill from it.

I think he is lining her up for sexual abuse.
His control, his anger, his desire to be in her personal and private space at a very vulnerable age.
These monsters walk among us, why wouldn’t it be him.

This gave me a sick feeling. You are most definitely not being unreasonable.

Hovering around and not giving privacy when children/people are getting undressed/bathing etc is abuse. It used to be listed on the nspcc website or somewhere as abuse or a sign to look out for.

Edit: IDK if it still is.

Your husband is soooo far over the line with this