Should my 11-year-old be allowed more privacy from her father?

[Mandy1010]

My daughter is soon to be a 11yo. If she is in the bathroom her father will often go in there also to brush his teeth and do whatever he needs to do. In the past she has said to him that she is in there and can he come back when she has finished and not just barge in.

Last night at bedtime she was about to have a bath. She was already undressed. He went in to brush his teeth and do his bathroom routine. I overheard him telling her that she is not to lock the bathroom door as if she had a problem in there (•like a medical problem) that the lock is too strong and he wouldn’t be able to get in there to help. I kind of feel like he is saying it as he doesn’t want to be locked out and that at this age it is inappropriate.
I said it is ok for her to lock the door if she wants to but if she doesn’t lock it and door is shut he needs to knock and only come in if she allows it. I feel this is normal. Am I wrong??
she often likes me to be in the bathroom as company so I sit on the toilet but I only do this when she requests it. I am more than happy (would prefer to) chill else whilst she is in bath/shower. he seems to think if I am in there why cant he be. I feel like I am respecting her boundaries whereas he isn’t. Aside from the biological issue that he is male and I’m female.

I don’t think he is adjusting for the fact she is not a little girl anymore.

im just looking for other people perspective.

I asked her after, as unfortunately this argument played out in front of her, what she thought . She said that it more bothers her when she wants space in her bedroom and he just comes in anyway. But I worry she is just trying to keep the peace as we argued about it in front of her about it and also he got angry at her about something unrelated yesterday which will feel fresh and she may feel she doesn’t want to make him angry.

i feel like I need to have a conversation with him about this and assert her right to privacy but want to see others point of view before I do.

You have three bathrooms in the house this situation is highly unnecessary and completely avoidable.

Advocate for your daughter and tell your husband loud and clearly that he is not to overstep boundaries anymore and he is to leave your daughter the hell alone when she’s in the bathroom and her bedroom!

Doesn’t matter if it’s for control or being creepy, it’s wrong and inappropriate.

Put an end to this asap and tell your daughter she’s within her right to lock the bathroom door.

My mum, younger sister and I lived with my maternal grandmother and her husband (so my step-grandfather) for a few years while I was pre- and early-pubescent.

There was one bathroom and my SGF initiated a rule that my sister and I could not use the bathroom at the same time as we made too much noise (WTF) and crucially that we were not allowed to lock the door. This was in the mornings, when my mum was out at work and my nan downstairs doing breakfast etc.

Neither my mum nor my nan saw anything strange in these ‘rules’, which it turned out my SGF had put in place to enable him unhindered access to me when I was using the bathroom. The things he did to me during those mornings have left me with a lifelong (I am now 59) knowledge that bathrooms are not safe places.

If anyone, ever, told my child they are not entitled to privacy in the bathroom I would be having serious conversations with them about it. Protect your daughter, please.

This would have alarm bells ringing for me. He is massively overstepping her boundaries which is either deliberate and then you have to ask yourself why…. Or … and I can’t think of another reason because he can’t insist he ‘didn’t think about it’ if you’ve already explained to him and he’s become defensive. I have a 12 year old DD and neither I or her dad would dream of barging in when she’s about to get in the shower… if he continues to be defensive and continues the behaviour I would be really really concerned.

What a creep

And same applies to teen DS and has for years!

I really would be questioning why he is going in there whilst she is having a bath if you have 2 other bathrooms to choose from

All I meant by the one bathroom question was there needs to be some sort of ‘I’m going for a bath, does anyone need the bathroom first’ sort of setup. We had one bathroom for years so we all had to just be a bit courteous. My brother would forget that all the time when he visited (not in a creepy way! Would just start showering right when the kids were getting up)

But anyway, not the point here because there are multiple options so he’s choosing to be like this. Super gross. Either controlling or creepy, there’s no other option.

And yes of course preteens might feel better about same sex parents seeing them or helping them. My daughter has some additional health care needs and from around 9/10 she strongly preferred I do it instead of her dad. So of course we supported her and I helped her every single day since because she has body autonomy and is allowed to feel as comfortable as possible.

Your husband is super gross. I’m so worried for both of you now. Do you have other family around?

"He's an angry man".

He is angry and controlling and doesn't respect boundaries. 😔

Is this the relationship dynamic you also want for your daughter?! 😔

Go in hard. And make a new rule that you should all, always lock the bathroom door.

The medical emergency thing is absolute bullshit. IF there was a rare and unexpected emergency you'd just break the door. 🤦 It's not an excuse he can use for saying she shouldn't lock the door fgs.

OP are you currently seeking any support regarding your relationship? Because reading between the lines it sounds like you should be.

Deliberately barging into the bathroom when your 11 year old DD is in there is not on. My DH has never done that. I have never done that. Your DH absolutely has to respect this and not take away her autonomy. There’s something quite controlling in what he’s doing. If he’s upset that you and your DD are close then he needs to find a way to create a better relationship with your DD. There is something worrying about this even being an issue.

I was also wondering about the timing. It is very odd behaviour. And to turn it into an around even odder.

Just to add, we have had builders in the house recently and I did ask them to change the lock as the previous one didn’t really slide across properly and actually lock the door.

A small point (and irrelevant probably) but DD is 10, 11 in 2 months.

Sounds like you have bigger issues with his anger tbh.

It’s a control thing.

Fwiw, my stepdad when I was growing up would never have dreamed of coming into the bathroom or toilet whilst I was in there and same with my brother, he showed me respect and respected my boundaries as a growing child/teen.

Why do you think he is choosing to go in a bathroom where his daughter is?

Why is the fact irrelevant and it’s small that your daughter is 10, 11 very soon? She’s pre pubescent.

I hate this literal very male outlook of “got to be equal”. Well no not always. A young girl will likely be more comfortable with a woman seeing her naked / dealing with intimate issues than a man. Why is that hard to understand?

It’s like those dreadful new dads who demand equal access for their own parents if a new mother wants to see more of her own mother immediately post partum. Sometimes men have to butt the hell out and accept it’s not “fair”. No decent man would have a problem with any of this. It’s a horrible thing that has grown in the last few decades and I hate it.

My mind would leap to control but sadly other issues like spying on her, assault. Have heard too many other issues for me to discount this.

Issues in my life I mean not necessarily here.

Your husband is disgusting. I had breasts at that age. Not far off starting my period either.

Why the actual fuck isn’t he using one of the other 2 toilets in the house?

Agree with PP to change the type of lock.

I would consider leaving an angry man who is not respectful of an 11 year old's need for privacy. He sounds awful and not that kind of person I would want to be around my child.

I would also have safeguarding concerns.

I would have thought if anyone was going to have a medical episode in the bathroom it would be one of you two surely ? Do you both never lock the door in fear of heart attack on the toilet ?

His disregarding her request for privacy is a massive red flag. Alarming controlling behaviour from him at best. All our bathroom locks can be opened from the outside but even if yours aren’t a closed bathroom door should be respected. Why are you even questioning if this is ok? What else is going on that’s making you think this might be reasonable

Your husband needs to STOP! He has no need or right to do that! Your daughter is saying she is uncomfortable and he is still going in knowing she has said no. This stops now he is a fucking weirdo wanting to see his daughter naked ffs. So unfair on your daughter. Also stop the bedroom visits or at least knock on. Can't just barge in on her, also why does he feel the need to? Stand up for your daughter and stop this.

And this is where it begins. A female's right to privacy being ignored and dismissed by a man. What is your daughter learning here? That her own needs are less important than the demands of a man. Do not to make the man angry. You absolutely must stand up for her.

It doesn’t really matter how old she is. If she’s old enough to ask for privacy, she’s old enough to have it. My son stopped wanting us to help him shower by the time he was 8 so we respected his choice.

Even the most innocent explanation for this (and I’m struggling to come up with one) is teaching your daughter all the wrong things. My daughter is autistic and had a rough time around 10/11 - puberty starting was a chaotic time! - and my husband used to just pick her up and move her when she was having a tantrum. I had to explain to him that showing her ‘a big strong man’ can force her to do things by sheer strength was really damaging for when she was older. So showing your daughter that your husband is the only one with a say won’t help her develop healthy relationships when she’s older.