Should my 11-year-old be allowed more privacy from her father?

[Mandy1010]

My daughter is soon to be a 11yo. If she is in the bathroom her father will often go in there also to brush his teeth and do whatever he needs to do. In the past she has said to him that she is in there and can he come back when she has finished and not just barge in.

Last night at bedtime she was about to have a bath. She was already undressed. He went in to brush his teeth and do his bathroom routine. I overheard him telling her that she is not to lock the bathroom door as if she had a problem in there (•like a medical problem) that the lock is too strong and he wouldn’t be able to get in there to help. I kind of feel like he is saying it as he doesn’t want to be locked out and that at this age it is inappropriate.
I said it is ok for her to lock the door if she wants to but if she doesn’t lock it and door is shut he needs to knock and only come in if she allows it. I feel this is normal. Am I wrong??
she often likes me to be in the bathroom as company so I sit on the toilet but I only do this when she requests it. I am more than happy (would prefer to) chill else whilst she is in bath/shower. he seems to think if I am in there why cant he be. I feel like I am respecting her boundaries whereas he isn’t. Aside from the biological issue that he is male and I’m female.

I don’t think he is adjusting for the fact she is not a little girl anymore.

im just looking for other people perspective.

I asked her after, as unfortunately this argument played out in front of her, what she thought . She said that it more bothers her when she wants space in her bedroom and he just comes in anyway. But I worry she is just trying to keep the peace as we argued about it in front of her about it and also he got angry at her about something unrelated yesterday which will feel fresh and she may feel she doesn’t want to make him angry.

i feel like I need to have a conversation with him about this and assert her right to privacy but want to see others point of view before I do.

Door should be locked full stop so that sue can relax in her own home. He is showing signs of being a creep and a bit of a bully. Why does he feel so strongly about having access to his naked daughter’s bath time? 🤮

*She

I agree

This...

'you must respect her privacy.. No excuses husband...' there is NO reason (other than your disorganisation) why you should have to go in there....

If it was urgent... He could use the kitchen sink /any other sink to clean his teeth...

@Mandy1010are there any other sinks or loos in the house?

He sounds awful. Id be reconsidering the whole relationship based on what you're saying.

Your husband needs a swift kick in the derriere.

His behaviour is downright creepy. He did not need to walk in on her to do his teeth.

This disrespect for her boundaries needs to be stopped asap.

What you've described is grooming, imo. She is being persuaded by him that her needs don't matter. The flimsy 'medical emergency' reason not to lock the door is gaslighting.

Stand up for her privacy and her absolute right to expect her NO to be respected by this man, no matter what it costs you.

YES

Agree.

And SS would need to know how you set about protecting her from him.

He has created a very dangerous home for both of you, and you as her mother need to take the danger very seriously.

Get legal advice.

This. I'd be standing guard at the door by now and blocking him from interrupting her. He is seriously weird and a long way beyond what is acceptable.

He is either spectacularly selfish and entitled or he's got an abnormal agenda. Have you told him he is giving you the ick now?

This!!!! Massively weird and would give me the rage.

I was 11 when I stopped wanting my Dad seeing me naked. He was perplexed but this and somewhat annoyed but like you, my Mum stood up for me and I appreciated that. I had my privacy ever since. Stick to supporting her like you’re doing.

If your daughter came home from school and said her friends dad insisted on barging into the bathroom when she was naked, or into her room when she was getting changed what would you think OP?
If she said that friend had asked her dad to stop but he kept on doing it?

How often does he just happen to insist on entering a bathroom when she is in there instead of using one of the other two in the house, that this is a problem?

In 50 years time, no matter who your daughter mentioned this too, they will wonder if her father was a child abuser.

Ask him if it's something he would happily tell his mates in the pub that he does over your objection and your daughters objection, or would he like colleagues at work to know that he does this?

Bet he doesn't want them to know this about him because he knows it wrong.

I'd tell him to stop or you will get outside help to make him stop.
Once she has asked him not to do it, he has beome an abuser every time he does it anyway.

Fathers do often struggle with this period when the father-daughter relationship has to change and it might be that he is feeling shut out, like she is pulling away.

HOWEVER - as an adult he is responsible for managing his emotions around that, and this is very much not the right way for him to go about remaining close to his preteen daughter. He has to accept the relationship with her will change and must change, and that's a normal, healthy development. Most girls her age are starting to want privacy around male relatives, if not younger. His behaviour is intrusive, controlling and creepy - why does he need to be able to have physical access to his daughter when she's bathing? If she had a medical condition like epilepsy, then ok, I get not locking the door, but still - respect her space, don't just wander in and out and demand access whenever it suits.

He isn't respecting her need for space and privacy and if he's not careful she will distance from him even more in her teens. This absolutely is a hill to die on, OP. Your daughter deserves privacy and shouldn't be intruded on like this. If he can't accept that, or that makes him angry, I'd be questioning the relationship.

Sorry I disagree. No normal decent father even of limited intelligence would struggle with the concept that his prepubescent dd won’t want him to see naked. I’m 50 and never experienced my own or literally anyone’s else I knows father behaving like this. It would always have been this way even in other time periods.

Your husband is walking in on his daughter in the bathroom deliberately to cause upset, he likes to show you all he is in control.
He isn’t as such jealous of you and your daughter’s close relationship it’s more to do with both of you banding together against his behaviour. He hates his control being questioned as it’s harder to gaslight and subdue two people who are in agreement he is unreasonable than one.
He wants you all pliant to his ego and you are not allowed boundaries, difference's of opinions or say no to him or else he will rage and make your life hell till you finally relent.
He believes you are all an extension of him and if he wanted to molest your daughter then it would be his right!

When you talk to him say firmly if you cannot understand our viewpoint I will book us into a family therapist where you can explain why you feel you have a right to see your 11 yo daughter naked regularly. If you needed to help her for health reasons that’s different, but she is allowed to not want to be naked in front of you, and to want her space respected. I have found a family therapist and sure they can explain this to you. While we are there we can also talk about your anger.

book the appt.

Over the years he has eroded your self esteem, ability to call out bad behaviour because it goes against his sense of entitlement. He is doing the same to your DD trying to take away her rights to be her own person, to have boundaries and her voice.

If you tell him she has the right to privacy he will rage, if you were to point out that it’s unnatural to want to see your prepubescent DD naked then he will rage. He rages at anything he views as mutiny which is basically the word NO said to him. He wants you all to be his puppets all living under his regime.

You need to get in touch with Woman’sAid, you are all being emotionally abused by a dictator.

He is bang out of order.

I'd started my periods at 11.

If she mentions this at school it will be a red flag.

If the most important man in her life, the one she can rely on is overstepping boundaries how can she say 'no' to other men?

This feels so very wrong. I don’t think my DH has seen DD naked since she was about 7 or 8. It’s just not appropriate from a certain age (same for mums and sons).

OMG. Op seriously, you saying but not in a creepy way is wrong. First it IS creepy and second, it's not about how it lands with him, it's how it lands with your daughter.

Growing up we had a simple small sliding bolt on the inside. In the event of an emergency a 20lb lump hammer would have had the door in but it was enough to say 'I am in here. Wait your turn'. At no point did my Dad ever come into the bathroom with us once we were past 4 or 5yo.

You are not protecting her. Separate and see if she wants to go stay with him. She won't.

Ugh!

Husband is in the wrong IMO.

My daughter is 9 and my husband and I agreed about a year ago that I would be the only one to help her with things like getting a bath etc and none of us go in the bathroom without her permission now, as we’re teaching her about privacy.

I haven't seen my 10 year old son undressed for over 2 years; that's when he started asking for privacy and he gets it. Your husband sounds like an absolute weirdo.

He gets offended if he goes into daughter’s bedroom and she doesn’t want him there but he goes in anyway.
He goes into the bathroom even though there are two others when my daughter is naked.
He is jealous of the close bond you and daughter have.
You have to steel yourself against his anger when you have to discuss his unreasonable behaviour or actions.
He has control issues.
He gaslights you.
He uses anger to cower and get his own way.
He is emotionally abusive.

He doesn’t respect or care about anyone but himself, your rights, your thoughts and needs are a threat to his control over you all. He isn’t a loving husband or a loving father and you are all walking on eggshells in fear of offending him or making him jealous.

Stop trying to rationalise his behaviour into being acceptable, his true motives are to bully you all into submission.

You could add a small bolt, we have one on our toilet door that I had to bust open years ago and was easily replaced.

He's definitely behaving very inconsiderately, he should think through the awkward consequences that could happen, she's definitely at an age where her body is changing and she needs privacy. He needs to change his behaviour and thinking.

Your daughter needs your support. Please, please stop him from doing this to her. Poor child. If he didn’t stop it right away I would leave him. I promise you, this will have an effect on how she relates to men in her future.

Does he genuinely not realise he is abusing his daughter? Failing to provide privacy regarding nudity when it is clearly causing a child distress is abuse. Eleven is perfectly old enough to have a bath on her own. The fact he insists on going in when there are other bathrooms is very worrying.

This post has really disturbed me. I’m sorry but I’m utterly disgusted by your husband’s behaviour. Please do right by your daughter.