Should my 11-year-old be allowed more privacy from her father?

[Mandy1010]

My daughter is soon to be a 11yo. If she is in the bathroom her father will often go in there also to brush his teeth and do whatever he needs to do. In the past she has said to him that she is in there and can he come back when she has finished and not just barge in.

Last night at bedtime she was about to have a bath. She was already undressed. He went in to brush his teeth and do his bathroom routine. I overheard him telling her that she is not to lock the bathroom door as if she had a problem in there (•like a medical problem) that the lock is too strong and he wouldn’t be able to get in there to help. I kind of feel like he is saying it as he doesn’t want to be locked out and that at this age it is inappropriate.
I said it is ok for her to lock the door if she wants to but if she doesn’t lock it and door is shut he needs to knock and only come in if she allows it. I feel this is normal. Am I wrong??
she often likes me to be in the bathroom as company so I sit on the toilet but I only do this when she requests it. I am more than happy (would prefer to) chill else whilst she is in bath/shower. he seems to think if I am in there why cant he be. I feel like I am respecting her boundaries whereas he isn’t. Aside from the biological issue that he is male and I’m female.

I don’t think he is adjusting for the fact she is not a little girl anymore.

im just looking for other people perspective.

I asked her after, as unfortunately this argument played out in front of her, what she thought . She said that it more bothers her when she wants space in her bedroom and he just comes in anyway. But I worry she is just trying to keep the peace as we argued about it in front of her about it and also he got angry at her about something unrelated yesterday which will feel fresh and she may feel she doesn’t want to make him angry.

i feel like I need to have a conversation with him about this and assert her right to privacy but want to see others point of view before I do.

Yes she should 100%
She is locking the door because he is not knocking, my dd16 never locks doors because she trusts nobody will walk in.
If there is only one bathroom in the house the. She needs to give notice of having a bath.

Massive red flag, huge.

Don’t be so ridiculous!

The only reason im suggesting a gentle approach (to start with) is because OP appears fearful of him, and I dont know if you've ever met a man like this, but when they feel attacked they tend to double down out of spite. 'Its my house and my daughter, I know whats best'. Which doesnt give OP any chance of getting the outcome her daughter needs while she's in this situation. I had a dad like this, so thats why im suggesting it. But obviously thats just my view, if people/OP think a hard approach from the off will shock him and get him to stop doing it then great, thats the better solution - whatever actually has the best chance of stopping him is the best way for sure.

Can you have the conversation somewhere other than in the home if he’s angry? Somewhere like a coffee shop where he can’t shout?

And do you want to stay if he’s trampling all over your DDs boundaries and using anger to get his own way?

He’s pretty fucking far from being a good husband at dad at this point.

I have to agree with you, telling her not to lock the door is a dead giveaway that the behavior is disturbing,any normal dad knows by the age of 11 it isn't normal to keep walking in on your 11 year old daughter.

You seem to be minimising his intentions OP. You said he'll get angry, well so should you on your daughter's behalf. Lay it out to him in simple,clear, unambiguous terms that your daughter has a right to privacy. The strength of the bathroom lock in a medical emergency is a piss poor excuse, as others have said, change the lock. Watch him like a hawk around DD as well and reiterate to her that she can come to you if she is uncomfortable with his behaviour. I have never heard of any other decent man violating his daughter's boundaries like this, very worrying.

All female house here and I always knock bedrooms. If girls are changing they want space..
Serious concerns as lso due to number of bathrooms.
Sound like you will have a battle ahead

Make sure you keep good communication with DD.

He might shout and get angry if told he needs to give an 11 year old privacy in the bathroom?! What have I just read?

He shouldn’t even need to be told. Any normal man would be absolutely scrupulous about not being anywhere near an undressed child over 10 ish. Remember when we booked a family room overnight post Covid dd1 was 13 and we hadnt been away for a while and dh suddenly ran out and said “meet you in the bar” so we could all get changed. Two rooms after that.

This is a hill I would die on 100 times over. Totally inappropriate of him. And weird.

I would tell him that he is leaving himself open to accusations of being creepy or weird, let alone teaching your daughter that she cannot demand privacy or say no to her future partner.

That should stop him, unless he is creepy and weird.

Yes - it’s control. My ex H did this when we were getting divorced at the same age even tho he was asked not to by both of us. Funnily enough it didn’t stop him getting the evil family court to forbid her coming for a cuddle in my bed as she was upset by what was happening at home generally. Nobody tells him what to do - was the clear message in what the family court supported him to do to hurt us.

Your dh is being really odd. I would not stand for that and there would be war! She’s an 11 year old girl ffs. My dd had started her period at 11. Entitled to some privacy I think.

I really hope you are not a parent. If you are then you need to seek some support through parenting classes.
You’re saying that if she gives permission for her (female) parent to see her undressed then she must also allow her dad, to make it “fair?” I don’t even have the words to describe how sinister and wrong that is. Do women not have the right to choose who sees their body in your world? It is absolutely nothing to do with fairness to anyone else. I just… speechless.

Are you in a position to leave @Mandy1010? Because if you cannot protect your daughter in her home, then you need to remove her. And document this is texts so when you end up in court, you can show that your daughter isn’t safe to be around him unsupervised.

This isn’t a joke. This isn’t a small thing. And it sounds like it is actually only part of a bigger picture of his anger and his control ruling the house, and your daughter sounds actually scared of him if she is saying things to placate his anger. Sounds like you’ve picked the wrong man, and you need to deal with that now by doing what it takes to give your child a safe and secure home where she isn’t afraid of male anger.

Soon must be one of those dodgy men that lurk on this site. No woman would write those words. What the hell is wrong with you?

Exactly! I started my periods at 9
if I had.. I dunno, a weird lump on my boob at 11, I might have shown my mum not my dad or vice versa. Doesn’t mean the other parent is entitled to see because it’s her body and she gets to choose

I would have been horrified at 11 if my Dad, or my mum or anyone for that matter, burst into the bathroom while I was bathing. We didnt have a lock on the bathroom door when I was a kid. Nobody came in though, just shouted "hurry up"
My granddaughter is 11 and comes to stay sometimes. Nobody urgently needs to go in as we have 3 toilets in the house.
Your DP is massively overstepping boundaries and should NOT, unless an absolute emergency, be anywhere near his naked 11 year old daughter 😡

I’d be extremely worried about your husbands behaviour. Massive red flag

Why is it ridiculous? The majority of abuse against children is perpetrated by a close family member. It may not be true, but it is certainly never ridiculous to suggest that a male family member who insists on using the bathroom with a naked 11 year old girl in it is maybe a bit of a risk, especially when he has two other empty bathrooms to choose from. There is nothing ridiculous about it.

I’d be going for the jugular and asking why he wants to clean his teeth where his dd is naked and uncomfortable. Does he not care about her feelings? He’s modelling to her that what men can do what they want even when she says no.

Shame him. And if he’s not shamed then leave him. He’s a cunt.

I completely disagree, it’s perfectly understandable for a young girl to be more comfortable with her mum seeing her naked but not her dad, as her body develops. I have both girls and boys now young adults. The boys would be comfortable changing in front of their dad but not me and the girls with me but not their dad. I wouldn’t change in front of my sons and my DH wouldn’t in front of our DDs. Anything went when they were tiny but as they grew, we were led by them completely.
Telling a young girl that if she wants privacy from her dad then she must also have it from her mum is absolutely crackers and potentially allows for abuse.

I think a normal person in this scenario would be looking to update the bathroom lock. This is red flag behaviour and I agree with PP I'd really think how would the school react to her disclosing this?

By saying you can see her naked but he can’t could be seen as accusing him of being dodgy in some way, so could understand him getting defensive.

I’ve never read so much twaddle in my life. We’re talking about an 11 year old girl here who’s entering puberty. Her father shouldn’t be wandering into a bathroom when she’s in there or her bedroom without being invited in, it’s called having respect and not making her feel uncomfortable. I wouldn’t have wanted my dad to see me naked at 11 for goodness sake.

OP just put a lock on the door, he sounds horrible if this is something he gets angry over especially when there’s other bathrooms he could use, it’s power play on his part imo.

If you’re really worried about dealing with this, or don’t believe he will listen or think he will use anger to scare you both into submission, then suggest to your daughter that she tell one of her teachers. They are mandated to report and it will get the ball rolling from outside the home.

Or you could tell one of her teachers, under the guise of “she had a difficult morning so might be a bit upset today and may need some handling with care because her dad insists on using the bathroom whilst she is showering undressed, and won’t let her lock the door and she is more and more upset at him walking in on her and I don’t know what to do.”

Then the school will get outside agencies involved, and you may be forced to protect her by their involvement.

I know it’s him doing this, not you but there does come a point where you are culpable because you’re not protecting her. So tell someone who will.