Should my 11-year-old be allowed more privacy from her father?

[Mandy1010]

My daughter is soon to be a 11yo. If she is in the bathroom her father will often go in there also to brush his teeth and do whatever he needs to do. In the past she has said to him that she is in there and can he come back when she has finished and not just barge in.

Last night at bedtime she was about to have a bath. She was already undressed. He went in to brush his teeth and do his bathroom routine. I overheard him telling her that she is not to lock the bathroom door as if she had a problem in there (•like a medical problem) that the lock is too strong and he wouldn’t be able to get in there to help. I kind of feel like he is saying it as he doesn’t want to be locked out and that at this age it is inappropriate.
I said it is ok for her to lock the door if she wants to but if she doesn’t lock it and door is shut he needs to knock and only come in if she allows it. I feel this is normal. Am I wrong??
she often likes me to be in the bathroom as company so I sit on the toilet but I only do this when she requests it. I am more than happy (would prefer to) chill else whilst she is in bath/shower. he seems to think if I am in there why cant he be. I feel like I am respecting her boundaries whereas he isn’t. Aside from the biological issue that he is male and I’m female.

I don’t think he is adjusting for the fact she is not a little girl anymore.

im just looking for other people perspective.

I asked her after, as unfortunately this argument played out in front of her, what she thought . She said that it more bothers her when she wants space in her bedroom and he just comes in anyway. But I worry she is just trying to keep the peace as we argued about it in front of her about it and also he got angry at her about something unrelated yesterday which will feel fresh and she may feel she doesn’t want to make him angry.

i feel like I need to have a conversation with him about this and assert her right to privacy but want to see others point of view before I do.

My mother would do that to me as a teenager and that was bad enough. It was a control thing. Much worse that’s it’s her father.

If he doesn’t stop you need to leave.

So he has multiple bathrooms to choose from, and deliberately chooses the bathroom, and the exact time of evening, in order to see his pubescent daughter naked – when she’s told him she doesn't like it?

And why is he going into her bedroom, then?

I think you need to come down hard on this, OP.

Listen to what everyone is saying, the poor girl, agent her in 20 years time posting on here as PPs have done about childhood horrors

Well it does sound like he’s doing it in a very creepy way.

What does he say when you say that this is the wrong way to build a strong relationship with her and he’s behaving like a predator?

This is disgusting behaviour. I give my 5 year old more privacy than this. I would actually be seriously worried as to why he always has to brush his teeth at the exact same time his pubescent daughter is naked. He sounds like a paedo quite frankly.

At best its a completely unacceptable level of control that he's trying to assert.
At worst its sexual abuse.

I'd actually LTB over this. I don't say it lightly. Your 11 yo is at a really important developmental stage and hes teaching her she isnt allowed to say No to him. This has ripple effects through the rest of her life.

I agree, nobody urgently needs to brush their teeth.
Tell your husband to leave her alone and teach your daughter she is allowed an opinion that shouldn’t be watered down because it might cause an argument.

This behaviour has huge red flashing flags.

Why is a grown man seeking to go into rooms where a young developing girl is potentially naked?

He needs to use another bathroom its concerning that there are 3 yet he chooses to use the one that contains his naked child?and stay out of her bedroom too, please tell me he does not 'use the bathroom' when she is just going to bed.

You need to protect your daughter.

And I do agree with others. There are 3 bathrooms and he’s choosing the one where DD is in there at the time she’s naked? I’m sorry your DD comes first in this. Anything other than him apologising and never doing it again would have me booting him out.

He's teaching her that she can't have boundaries and that a man's preference overrides her needs. She's not going to be in a good place in ten years' time.

He needs to stop or he’s going to ruin their relationship. She needs her privacy.

It’s inappropriate for him to assume he can just see her naked or cross her personal boundaries like that. Can’t he put his toothbrush in the en suite?! Also is he getting ready for bed at 9pm? Sounds early especially if your child is still up

THREE bathrooms?!?!?

Go in hard on this. He has zero excuse its pretty outrageous.

separately tell her in no uncertain terms she should be locking the door.

Wtf is wrong with him.. he must be going out of his way to do this???

Agree strongly with this
At best its a completely unacceptable level of control that he's trying to assert.
At worst its sexual abuse.

YANBU.
We've had a similar issue recently, where 12yo DD was in the shower and DH knocked and then walked straight in. Cue all hell breaking loose and a load of understandable shouting of "Get out!" from DD and unreasonable "But I knocked first!" from DH. I backed DD up in front of her and explained in very clear terms to DH why it was totally unacceptable - I wouldn't usually undermine him like this but she absolutely needs to understand she has a right to privacy in this way as she stares down the start of her teenage years. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt currently and assuming he just hasn't registered her change of life stage; he isn't usually home when she showers, so it isn't something I'm aware has happened before. I'm hoping his lack of apology was just about saving face and he'll 'get' it now he's gone away and thought on it.
I'm weighing up whether to put a lock on the door now as me and DDs currently often share the space in the morning once washing/toilet is done, eg one doing hair at the mirror with another brushing their teeth, and this has worked well with a simple knock and asking if it's ok to come in (and waiting for the answer!). I suspect a lock will see one person monopolising the space as it's a faff to stop what they're doing and go to unlock the door, but if he disrespects this boundary again, the lock will be fitted that day.

Your job and your husbands job is to teach your daughter her right to have boundaries ( such as around her bodily privacy) and to feel capable and confident in asserting those boundaries. Your husband is eroding thise boundaries. He is teaching her that selfish, entitled men can override her and do what they want and ahe should suck it up to be ‘nice’ to the entitled men and not hurt their feelings or inconvenience them.

Your H is being a disgrace. He is failing her as a Father.

And she’s 11! Frankly I would be watching him very carefully around your daughter. Abusive men start by eroding boundaries like this. It’s more likely he’s just being selfish but I certainly wouldn’t rule out the possibility of him being a predator. I’d expect a Father to have been respecting the privacy of a child of either sex well before they were 11.

Does he do the same to you too? It shows a complete lack of respect for others and is a bit of a red flag for me in terms of wanting to assert control.

Okay, I can tell you are anxious about having this conversation, so what about this:
'Dh, ive noticed that daughter has got to that age where she's becoming self conscious around us, so we will need to change to not entering her bathroom/bedroom unless she specifically asks us to. Ive noticed she wants to lock the bathroom door, and this way, if she knows we will only come in if she gives permission, she can keep the door unlocked, stay safe and get her privacy. From reading online and my own experiences, its very normal for girls to be more self conscious around their dads at this age than their mums, so dont be offended if she asks me into the bathroom and not you, its all a normal part of growing up. We can stick to xx bathroom if we need a bathroom while she's in there'
Clear, lays out boundaries, explains that your daughters behaviour is normal and draws a line in the sand without starting the conversation with 'you need to stop doing this' which might get his back up.
If he continues to ignore this then you need to start intervening - if you see him head for the bathroom, usher him out. She needs to see you be clear that she has a right to privacy. I appreciate he might kick off but that, im guessing, rolls into the larger problem of if you are going to leave him.

If you have THREE bathrooms and the only one he can use at that very minute is the one where your daughter is naked, you have very big problems and I would take that “marriage is not in a good place” to “I am going to put my daughter first and create a safe home for her”.

Your husband either has no boundaries, or he is a creepy pervert. Neither is good.

I'd prefer the more direct-

'You're acting like a creepy abuser around our 11 year old girl. Wtf is wrong with you? Stop it immediately- as in never barge in on her again or anything similar or I will leave you. Sort yourself out.'

I think the big problem here is the father and not the daughter. Are you worried? I would be.

Oh and I agree with other posters talking about boundaries and saying no. I wouldn't include it in the initial conversation, but if he does it after that I would point this out. Im saying this only because im picking up on you being fearful of his response and I dont think including it in your initial chat will get the outcome your daughter needs, which is for him to stop doing it, if he's the way you describe him.

Bloody hell OP. Just read there are three bathrooms. Ok, I take back my view that he’s most likely just selfish and have switched to he’s most likely a predator.

What sort of man avoids empty bathroooms to use one a pre teen naked girl is in? An abusive man. A sexual voyeur.

Thank you everyone for your comments. You have given me the confidence to go hard on this one.
I appreciate what everyone is saying. I think it is a control is issue rather than anything more sinister but I take on board comments that it is potentially going to shape her view of what is normal and it has to stop.
I’ll be talking to him. Undoubtedly it will be a row so will not do it when she is around but will talk to them both separately. I’ll be telling both of them (amongst other things) that the door will be locked if boundaries can’t be respected.
thanks for helping me see it clearly.

If your DD wants privacy, that works both ways for both parents. By saying you can see her naked but he can’t could be seen as accusing him of being dodgy in some way, so could understand him getting defensive.
Arguing in front of her wasn’t your best move though. Moving forward, all of you need to sit down together for a chat so she can express herself calmly, and you can all agree on a plan. I’d look at putting a lightweight lock on the bathroom door so that she can lock it but if one of you does need to get in it can easily be kicked in. That will give her the reassurance of having privacy and your DH of the reassurance that you can access her should the need arise.