Should my 11-year-old be allowed more privacy from her father?

[Mandy1010]

My daughter is soon to be a 11yo. If she is in the bathroom her father will often go in there also to brush his teeth and do whatever he needs to do. In the past she has said to him that she is in there and can he come back when she has finished and not just barge in.

Last night at bedtime she was about to have a bath. She was already undressed. He went in to brush his teeth and do his bathroom routine. I overheard him telling her that she is not to lock the bathroom door as if she had a problem in there (•like a medical problem) that the lock is too strong and he wouldn’t be able to get in there to help. I kind of feel like he is saying it as he doesn’t want to be locked out and that at this age it is inappropriate.
I said it is ok for her to lock the door if she wants to but if she doesn’t lock it and door is shut he needs to knock and only come in if she allows it. I feel this is normal. Am I wrong??
she often likes me to be in the bathroom as company so I sit on the toilet but I only do this when she requests it. I am more than happy (would prefer to) chill else whilst she is in bath/shower. he seems to think if I am in there why cant he be. I feel like I am respecting her boundaries whereas he isn’t. Aside from the biological issue that he is male and I’m female.

I don’t think he is adjusting for the fact she is not a little girl anymore.

im just looking for other people perspective.

I asked her after, as unfortunately this argument played out in front of her, what she thought . She said that it more bothers her when she wants space in her bedroom and he just comes in anyway. But I worry she is just trying to keep the peace as we argued about it in front of her about it and also he got angry at her about something unrelated yesterday which will feel fresh and she may feel she doesn’t want to make him angry.

i feel like I need to have a conversation with him about this and assert her right to privacy but want to see others point of view before I do.

Perplexed?! Had he never heard of boundaries? Would it be ok to see him naked? Unless you’re a naturist household.

Yes of course I had seen him naked?? And no we are not a naturist household 😂. Some Dad’s are just shocked by the sudden change. I don’t agree with his reaction, and of course he should be supportive of whatever she wants but it happens so it’s great the Mum is supportive and encouraging of her boundaries.

Does it happen though?? (Without malicious intent)

Honestly, I don't know a single decent man who would be 'perplexed' that his daughter, as she entered older childhood and neared puberty, wouldn't want her dad seeing her naked. The only ones I've known who would've been 'annoyed' were the creeps.

Why on earth would a man be annoyed that his daughter didn't want him looking at her naked body?? Bizarre and creepy.

I get it, and I would think the same. I’m just talking from my experience as I was the same age and my Dad was definitely not ever creepy or sexual with me. I think he just still saw me as his little girl and thought that I was being silly rather than understanding that I was actually growing up.

I’m sorry I just cannot believe that any man would find it “perplexing” that a girl nearing or in teenage years would not want to be seen naked by any man including her father? I mean this has been the case since literally forever. Roman times. I can only assume such a man has perverted intent. .

That's bang out of order to bar her from locking the door?! She's 11 not 2.

Just tell him of course she'll be locking the door when she's using the bathroom just like everyone else should.

It's absolutely unacceptable to barge in on a young women naked against her consent. The bathroom and what happens inside it are private.

When our children were very young we had no lock on the bathroom door. When they were older we put one quite high so they had privacy at an appropriate age.

Always knocked on the bedroom door if shut from about 7. Dog changed that for DS as would want to follow him. When DS got to later teenage we bought DS a remote controlled car so he could shut the door after dog from his bed!

He is completely unreasonable!
She needs privacy and you have other bathrooms for him to go to .
Get a new lock for the bathroom door

My dad used to be like this and I hated it. He’d say that every room was his room and he had a right to go wherever her wanted. I always thought it was odd.
He is completely out of order - she is 11 and will be starting secondary school I imagine - it’s very strange that he won’t respect her privacy.

Yes from his viewpoint I think it is this. He thinks the house is his (we own it jointly) and that he is entitled to go wherever he wants.

i don’t think he has comprehended that she is not a little girl anymore. I don’t believe there is any sort of perverted reason for is as others think. I think he is just clueless about it and can be emotionally inept.

Doesn’t matter his reason OP, this is a toxic environment for your daughter to be growing up in. What do you plan on doing about it?

@Mandy1010

i don’t think he has comprehended that she is not a little girl anymore. I don’t believe there is any sort of perverted reason for is as others think. I think he is just clueless about it and can be emotionally inept.

You are deluding yourself if you believe this OP.

Never mind him, what practical steps are you taking to ensure your DD has privacy when in a state of undress?

Have you spoken to him yet @Mandy1010?

Unfortunately, Mandy1010 would rather stick her fingers in her ears and go "la-la-la" than protect her daughter.

Not your Nigel, right OP?

He is angry and controlling. Why are you trying to kid yourself that be doesn't know exactly what he is doing.

I’m sorry to be a little tough here but this sounds a little like you are minimising his behaviour to being a little bumbling and inept. It does not account for other damaging behaviour that you also mentioned which fit completely with the idea that he thinks he can go anywhere that he likes in the house. This is not being a little confused, it’s deliberate conduct which you have regularly seen:

• He can be quite controlling
• Patriarchal
• Use anger to control.
• He gaslights me

Please think about things carefully. Best wishes.

I have spoken to him and told him why it’s wrong. It’s a conversation to be followed up still though. Which I will. It’s hard at the moment as we have builders in the house during the day and I don’t want to have the conversation when DD is here. Needless to say he hasn’t really understood where I am coming from. I’ve told him it’s wrong to tell her she can’t lock the door. That he shouldn’t be in there when she is naked. Asked him when he thinks then she deserves privacy. If not now is it when she starts her period, when she grows boobs??
he feels I am allowed in her room all the time so he should be too. I told him it’s not a competition between me and him but about respecting her boundaries. Sometimes she tells me not to come in her room too and that’s ok.

I will follow up with it don’t you worry.

I’m sorry try OP this sounds like more gaslighting from him.

He’s a grown Man.

Unless he has something seriously wrong with his cognition, he knows exactly why walking into the rooms DD is in uninvited is wrong and the fact that he’s denying it and spinning stories is just adding more red flags to the bunting.

i have had quite a lot of counselling and think I have my eyes open to what he is like now and how he treats people. I am struggling to leave this relationship. I think I have had my confidence eroded over a long period of time.

with regards to DD there is an element of control going on this situation but I will be telling him he needs to respect her space and privacy. will be coming up with some house rules.

Have you told her to lock the door every time she uses the bathroom and not to open it for him. He has no need to use it when she's in there and no right to demand her to let him in. Tell her or else she won't know. Don't you confuse and gaslight her as well.

Both of you should respect that she does not want you in the bathroom! I had my period at 11 so was pretty developed. Would he like it if he was having a wank and his DD walked in?

In my original post I said she wants me to go in the bathroom and keep her company. I will often try to persuade that she doesn’t need me there. I’d happily chill elsewhere! I only go in when she wants me to and I do completely respect her boundaries.

i feel this post is going off the rails slightly.

I am going to deal with the situation.

The fact that your daughter wants you to stay in the bathroom with her is another warning sign, OP. She feels safe when you are there, you are protecting her from her father.

I think you ought to have a conversation with her about what exactly he does/says when in the bathroom/bedroom with her.
Prepare to need to take action and have your life turned upside down when she talks you. I'm sorry, you will need to be strong.

@Mandy1010 the fact she very much doesn’t want her father in the bathroom and she very much does want you there is ringing alarm bells. At that age I just wanted to be left alone in the bathroom, full stop (and I was). It sounds like she wants you there to protect her.

You need to stop explaining this to him as if it’s a discussion about bedtimes or homework - you need to TELL him that the next time he walks in on her against her consent, you’ll be reporting him to the police/social services/her school. He doesn’t need to like it or agree with your point of view - he just has to respect the very clear boundary your daughter is setting. If he can’t or won’t do that, he’s at best a shit parent and at worst he’s already abusing her.

Stop treating this like it’s a difference of opinion. Protect your daughter.

If you see/find him in the bathroom with your daughter do the best thing for all of you and Ring the Police immediately.