Should my 11-year-old be allowed more privacy from her father?

[Mandy1010]

My daughter is soon to be a 11yo. If she is in the bathroom her father will often go in there also to brush his teeth and do whatever he needs to do. In the past she has said to him that she is in there and can he come back when she has finished and not just barge in.

Last night at bedtime she was about to have a bath. She was already undressed. He went in to brush his teeth and do his bathroom routine. I overheard him telling her that she is not to lock the bathroom door as if she had a problem in there (•like a medical problem) that the lock is too strong and he wouldn’t be able to get in there to help. I kind of feel like he is saying it as he doesn’t want to be locked out and that at this age it is inappropriate.
I said it is ok for her to lock the door if she wants to but if she doesn’t lock it and door is shut he needs to knock and only come in if she allows it. I feel this is normal. Am I wrong??
she often likes me to be in the bathroom as company so I sit on the toilet but I only do this when she requests it. I am more than happy (would prefer to) chill else whilst she is in bath/shower. he seems to think if I am in there why cant he be. I feel like I am respecting her boundaries whereas he isn’t. Aside from the biological issue that he is male and I’m female.

I don’t think he is adjusting for the fact she is not a little girl anymore.

im just looking for other people perspective.

I asked her after, as unfortunately this argument played out in front of her, what she thought . She said that it more bothers her when she wants space in her bedroom and he just comes in anyway. But I worry she is just trying to keep the peace as we argued about it in front of her about it and also he got angry at her about something unrelated yesterday which will feel fresh and she may feel she doesn’t want to make him angry.

i feel like I need to have a conversation with him about this and assert her right to privacy but want to see others point of view before I do.

👏👏👏👏

The safety concerns are utter bullshit, you don’t even need a screwdriver for normal bathroom locks, we used to keep 10p on top of the doorframe for when our toddler inevitably managed to lock himself in.
Growing up, we only had one bathroom and strangely, our father managed to give all of us girls appropriate privacy, it’s not that hard. He is being extremely creepy and weird, I’m sorry.

What you are describing to me is a red flag behaviour. Considering you have other bathrooms in the home and he chooses to invade a young girls privacy. Huge red flags going off here. When asked to respect her privacy he doesn’t.

I’m getting weird vibes off this OP. I can understand that he’s probably done it since she was little, but there was always going to come a day when she started to grow up and felt uncomfortable and wanted privacy. That time has come and she has voiced her opinion, yet he still comes in. Thats not normal.
He should be respecting her decision. The fact he doesn’t is frankly alarming.

Control issues are the thin end of the wedge of coercive control, which is abuse. Men who want to control their daughter's bodies are creepy AF and need reeducating.

Ask him what he prefers:

1. Respect your DD space. Same rules for both of you, nobody is receiving special treatment. Knock before entering DD space.
2. Relationship ends and he moves out

BTW get all this in writing if you can. Text him the request and what your DD has asked. And log his reply. If relationship ends you need to be able to prove his lack of respect for your DD request.

This

Tell him he’s being a creep and in danger of authorities checking him out if your dd tells people at school. He needs a short sharp shock! If he’s not a creep he will stop, if he is a creep ss will be on to him before long.

At this age he needs to respect her privacy. We have boys same age and slightly older than your daughter.
They have some neuro diversity so put situation is a little different but
We talk about privacy have done all their lives but boundaries changed as got older so for example
They know they can't just walk into a bathroom/ toilet/our room.of door is shut they have to knock or call out. We afford them the same respect.
With bathing they still need prompts but we sit outside the bathroom and call out to keep them on track we only go in the bathroom if they request it.
I would remind your H that if he doesn't respect your daughter's boundaries then he is at risk of accepting the same behaviour from people outside of the family because that is what she has learned.

Most dads go out of their way to not invade their pubescent girls privacy. I’d be concern about sexual abuse here. It’s outrageous behaviour. Remove your daughter from him.

My daughter is 10 nearly 11. She couldn’t care less if I see her naked. But I would never barge in on her in either the bathroom or bedroom. I knock.

He is abusing her.

Definitely. This doesn’t sound like a normal healthy relationship. Especially involving children.

If bringing this up causes a row then I’d be telling him to move out and protect my daughter. This is not normal at all to row over. What could he even possibly argue for?

He needs to stop immediately.

Jeez.

She needs to be reminded that privacy is important. And she has the right to keep her naked body away from other people, and people do not have the right to barge in on her.

And if he carries on, she will grow up to learn that privacy isn't something she deserves.

He sounds like a pervert, a grown man should not be going into the bathroom or bedroom of someone who has asked them not to. The fact that there are other bathrooms he could use make it even worse. What will this teach her about consent & body autonomy!

Exactly. Imagine him complaining to a friend or colleague “waaah my wife won’t let me have free access to my 11 year old dd when she’s in the bathroom”. The response would be 😳😳 from pretty much everyone.

She’ll also look back and wonder if her dad is a pervert.

Is that really something you or your dh want? This would actually break the relationship up for me if he refused to stop as it’s not normal.

The best case scenario is that she'll look back and wonder if her dad was a pervert. The worst is that this is just as sinister as it seems, and she'll know he's a pervert and live with that trauma forever.

I totally agree, the fact that he keeps refusing to stop when both the daughter and wife have brought it up is so far from normal - it's a massive red flag for abuse, and absolutely merits splitting up. But as a pp said, having the conversation (about stopping) via text message to get evidence of what he's doing would be very valuable.

Just to add to some very good advice OP about leaving.
I think it’s worth you knowing that one reason a father sexually abuses his daughter is to maintain control and ownership as she moves into adulthood.
You have explained that you think a reason he tries to invade her privacy is because he feels he no longer has the same closeness and control of her and this to me with some knowledge of SA is a huge red flag and exactly why the secrecy and intimacy of a sexually abusive relationship could fulfil those needs in him and get one up on you.

I don’t want to sound alarmist but you absolutely do need to seek professional support here.

We had a knock and wait policy for all doors from as soon as our children were old enough to understand unless they were in the bath. About 3ish? It’s outrageous that anyone, man or woman just barges in on an 11 year old.

You are talking about the bathroom issue but your daughter has mentioned not liking him coming into her room, this to me suggests that he is already abusing her op. You need to take steps to get you and her out of the house and away from him asap.

I got a very bad feeling in my stomach when I read the thing about the lock.

Best of luck, OP, this is not easy.

Similar post as yesterday but it was Stepfather who was going into the bathroom with the young girl in that one. Neither of these men should be going into the bathroom when girls are in there. The door doesn't need to be locked, have they never heard of shouting "is there anyone in there, are you OK" etc Very worrying behavior from the men involved!

The crucial issue here is why won't your DD father respect her boundaries/privacy?
She's asked him not to go in the bathroom when she is in there but he violates her boundaries. This is a red flag.

I'm sorry OP but I had this exact problem with my own father and it was horrible. The main period of unnecessary or "accidental" "barging in" seemed to coincide with me being around age 10 to 14 eg puberty. Read into that what you will. Please don't assume there's no mal intent. It's essential you protect her privacy here.