How can I cope when my autistic child becomes unmanageable?

[HeartsandRose]

What happens when an autistic child becomes too much for you? I’ve had the worst day of my life and I’m not sure I can cope with my autistic kids anymore, I have 4 autistic children, my oldest is 15 and severely autistic, my other children are 14 12 and 8 anyway the 14 and 12 year old wind her up rotten all day long, it’s all day, they tease her from the moment she gets up till the moment she goes to bed they are rotten towards her and I actually regret having more than one child because of how vile they are towards her, ive spoken to them about what their actions cause, ive disciplined them, and tried being nice and tried to explain that it causes her to become violent but they don’t care nothing works.

I’ve had the police called to my house by someone because of meltdowns in the past. Well today they’ve been winding her up all day, today she caused our fire alarm to go off as she flooded the upstairs, well this caused her to literally kick off horrifically, she ran out the door and into the street with no shoes on screaming the street down, I got my 12 and 14 year old to chase her as I wasn’t quick enough but they couldn’t get her back in the house, she screamed and screamed the street down lying all over the floor, I caught up with them and 3 of us couldn’t get her in the house she lied down on the street screaming her head off pulling her clothes off so we couldn’t grab her, we eventually managed to get her back in the house but she began attacking me and smashing my house up, shes eventually calmed down after about an hour but it was horrific she kept trying to escape the house and she was trying to over power me and attack me to get out, im at the end of my tether, how will I cope with her when she’s stronger than me and can over power me? Im now terrified the neighbours have called the police it was that horrific they would have seen us dragging her in the house kicking and screaming. As I said shes calmed down now but is repeatedly demanding I call the fire brigades and isnt taking no for an answer, ive even had to fake call them to get her to stop but she won’t stop. I can’t do this anymore. How am I suppose to continue like this? One day she will get too powerful for me, im still shaking even though this happened hours ago now. She is as good as gold when it’s just us, but they wind her up constantly and the meltdowns are horrific, please NO judgement.

I don’t think it matters whether or not we diagnose it but I found the pdasociety website very useful for coping with PDA in my daughter.

One thing I noticed OP is that you tend to have a lot of reasons for why things won’t work. That’s understandable given the pressures and your experiences but can it work to try and think in a constructive way and use these suggestions as a springboard for thinking what could be done differently and might work? (“can do attitude” rather than “can’t do attitude”)

That's terrible advice without knowing the level of their needs. "Neurodiverse" isn't a get out of jail free card. Punishments are appropriate for many ND kids. That's how they learn what is and isn't acceptable. Same as NT kids. ND doesn't mean that people aren't capable of learning. Many, many ND people work and hold down very responsible jobs etc.

I found the pda society website very useful for coping with PDA in my child.

There are special schools for academically able autistic chidlren, although they are admittedly few and far between (and usually independent and very expensive). Some LAs also have ARP bases within mainstream schools.

Mine initially refused too. But I told him the alternative was SEN boarding school/ him being put in foster care because I couldn't meet his needs aka make sure he stayed in education.

Sometimes you just have to do what is right without thinking of all the problems that might or might not occur. Yours sound adhd though as well not being able to contol his behaviour in school. He should be assessed because medication might be a game changer.

So both boys are bullying your dd. The way in which they do that is irrelevant, they are deliberately bullying her to provoke a reaction. They are upsetting her deliberately. They are making her unable to cope in her own home. Why is that okay?? You are minimising and excusing their behaviour. Your poor dd, I feel heartfully sorry for her, I really do.

Step up here and parent your bully boys.

His school has an ARP but he is not allowed there as it’s for girls only. No one has mentioned ADHD to me, would the school not mention that if they think he has ADHD? Dd is under assessment for ADHD.

Please don't ever threaten children with social services, it's stupid, cruel and counter productive because social services really can't do anything.

We begged Social Services to take DD1 into care, when we couldn’t cope with being woken up every hour of the night anymore. They refused!

@HeartsandRose i found this organisation very helpful. You can call them and it’s just nice having someone to on the end of the phone when times are hard for everyone.

www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk/

You are in a very tough position. If I were in your shoes I would seek professional intervention for the 12 and 14 year olds. Take all the help Social Services offers. I would push for regular foster carers. I could not keep those cruel children in my home bullying their sister. It's also time their father relieved you of the full time care of the boys. They might benefit from a male parent and from strict, immediate ramifications for their nasty behaviour. Keep their phones permanently until they can show civility and kindness. Call the Police every time they behave like thugs.

Nonsense. You absolutely can punish ND children.
It’s this sort of thinking that is the reason we have so many out of control ND children and terrified parents.

OP - please, please move this thread to the SEN board. You'll be more likely to get, practical and relevant advice as well as a bit more understanding. It's very easy for people with no experience of parenting children with additional needs to spout 'advice' that would likely just make your situation worse - things like calling the police for example - they have no idea what affect this would have on your children (and you) and what it would mean for your ongoing situation.

Yes, there is no excuse for children, ND or otherwise, to be victimising others. It is criminal behaviour that can not go unchecked. Do the perpetrators need sedating? Other medication? How would they be treated if they were in juvenile detention?

How do you go about getting your ND children 'sedated' when they behave in ways that are not acceptable? Presumably you know how to request this, as you've offered this as your advice?

We heard you the first time!

"You can go to special school or you can go into foster care".

I think that foster care or living with his father will probably be the best way forward. This boy cannot be allowed to continue to torment his higher-needs, more vulnerable sister.

You would not be failing as a mother to resort to foster care. I argue that you fail as a mother if you don't.

You can't just put a child in foster care and threatening it is abusive

Letting this boy go uneducated and letting him bully his sister is abusive.

You can’t just put one child into care, they would take all of them. Thats not how it works you can’t just pick and choose. His father does not want him, I can discipline all i like but now they are punishing me for it the 12 year old has not returned home from school on purpose now to punish me so now im off out on the street to find him as he is never home this late. So so much for discipline.

What on earth are you on about? Now im abusing him? This is crazy. Won’t be coming back

Maybe if social services visited they may stop?

You asked for help but you've ignored every suggestion. What type of help are you looking for?

As a social worker if only we had that power 🙄

Her, mostly, by not preventing the bullying.