How can I cope when my autistic child becomes unmanageable?

[HeartsandRose]

What happens when an autistic child becomes too much for you? I’ve had the worst day of my life and I’m not sure I can cope with my autistic kids anymore, I have 4 autistic children, my oldest is 15 and severely autistic, my other children are 14 12 and 8 anyway the 14 and 12 year old wind her up rotten all day long, it’s all day, they tease her from the moment she gets up till the moment she goes to bed they are rotten towards her and I actually regret having more than one child because of how vile they are towards her, ive spoken to them about what their actions cause, ive disciplined them, and tried being nice and tried to explain that it causes her to become violent but they don’t care nothing works.

I’ve had the police called to my house by someone because of meltdowns in the past. Well today they’ve been winding her up all day, today she caused our fire alarm to go off as she flooded the upstairs, well this caused her to literally kick off horrifically, she ran out the door and into the street with no shoes on screaming the street down, I got my 12 and 14 year old to chase her as I wasn’t quick enough but they couldn’t get her back in the house, she screamed and screamed the street down lying all over the floor, I caught up with them and 3 of us couldn’t get her in the house she lied down on the street screaming her head off pulling her clothes off so we couldn’t grab her, we eventually managed to get her back in the house but she began attacking me and smashing my house up, shes eventually calmed down after about an hour but it was horrific she kept trying to escape the house and she was trying to over power me and attack me to get out, im at the end of my tether, how will I cope with her when she’s stronger than me and can over power me? Im now terrified the neighbours have called the police it was that horrific they would have seen us dragging her in the house kicking and screaming. As I said shes calmed down now but is repeatedly demanding I call the fire brigades and isnt taking no for an answer, ive even had to fake call them to get her to stop but she won’t stop. I can’t do this anymore. How am I suppose to continue like this? One day she will get too powerful for me, im still shaking even though this happened hours ago now. She is as good as gold when it’s just us, but they wind her up constantly and the meltdowns are horrific, please NO judgement.

What are the consequences for the 12 and 14 year old who bully everyday? Because that's what's happening. She is being bullied everyday by her siblings. How is that right? No wonder she melts down. What support is there for you all?

Ive mentioned in the post i discipline them and nothing changes please now is not the time for judgement. I do discipline them they don’t stop.

https://learning.nspcc.org.uk/safeguarding-child-protection/early-help-and-early-intervention

refer yourself to early help for some professional support

You need social services involvement asap. One of your children is suffering long term bullying in their own home, please get some outside help.

I don’t want my children taken away.

This.

I advise you to not to stand by and watch them bully her, stop them straight away!

I do as mentioned in my post, nothing I do has worked they won’t stop.

Autism and mental health issues, both accordingly, are not excuses for bad behaviour. Its said on here time and time again. If they are all diagnosed, can you get respite care to give you and the eldest breathing space

They wont get taken away. They are there to help

Request a home OT assessment to make the house safer and better meet DC’s needs. For example, making the house more secure so DD1 can’t get out and tap locks or a bathroom lock.

Request social care assessments. A carer’s assessment for you and assessments via the disabled children’s team for DC. On their website, Contact has a model letter you can use.

Do DC have EHCPs?

Does DD1 share a bedroom or have her own bedroom?

Some young carers services are better than others, but have you approached your local service, particularly for DC2&3? You might find Sibs helpful too.

You need help OP. It’s not fair for your younger children to be bullying your other child.
Imagine being bullied every single day in your own safe space?

They aren’t going to come in and take your kids away, but you clearly need help. This situation isn’t good for any of you.
Take care x

Yes, early help. You need a documentary record of what you are living with and the things you are trying to reconcile to protect you all.

I absolutely feel you. My autistic 6 year old has been threatening to get his dad to shoot me with a gun and kill me all day because I made a decision I had to make to keep him safe. He has been very dangerous around his younger brother, and I completely understand why this the worst day of your life and the things you are afraid of.

You can't carry this alone. You need professional help if only to be able to let your load down sometimes and not to have to maintain constant vigilance over your children's safety. You need to keep yourself safe to keep your daughter safe, and yes, it is so much easier said than done. The very best of wishes.

One thing I found helpful with my dc was creating a shared goal we were all working towards.

When they were smaller, if they went all day to 7pm without hitting each other, they could pick out a toy from the pile in the spare room that I was supposed to be donating until they found them.

At another point, we went out for ice cream if we got through 3 days without any yelling.

The shared goal helped because the problem came from how they interacted and wound each other up, and they needed to cooperate and de escalate each other.

On the surface of it, it seemed a bit unfair if one of them hit the other, and the child who had been hit also missed out on the toy. But often there was a bit of aggravation and provocation in the mix too, so it was about tackling that too.

Yours are a bit older, but maybe something like that would help?

It’s the 12 and 14 year olds who are the problem it seems. You say you discipline them but that’s clearly not enough. You must be exhausted but you need to get really tough op. Remove phones, devices, pocket money, privileges, whatever you have to.

Can your 15 year old have respite anywhere - grandparents? Special needs club? Hobbies?

I feel so sad for your oldest child 😔 I also have a severely autistic child, he's 13 and has 2 younger siblings also.I really think you need to tackle the bullying head on, I would do whatever is needed, be it grounding, banning devices/phones, stopping pocket money, whatever it is that you need to do.
When your other 2 children see the extent of your daughters distress and realise that they did that, does it not cause any remorse?

They aren't gonna take your kids. Take them where? If you begged them to take them they'd say no

Say im not coping and put them into care? I wouldn’t want that for them.

No they don’t care they find it funny. They only care when she gets like she did today but usually it doesn’t get to that point as I do stop them and send them out the room, remove devices etc but today she was already wound up from them and then the fire alarm going off was the final straw but they don’t accept or care that their teasing has caused her to already be agitated. They do it before we go out as well so shes difficult to manage outside and dsyregulated.

It's almost impossible to find even respite care for teenagers with special needs.
The chances of your children being taken into care are incredibly small.

Definitely agree

Go to your gp and see if you can put your younger children on the wait list for camhs or another counselling service for children. It is not 'normal' for want of a better word, for children to enjoy torturing their disabled sibling so clearly something is going on there you all need help with.

Contact social services and ask for a social worker for your eldest child.

Look into support services and respite.

What consequences are your other children currently getting because whatever they are, they arent working so you need to find a different way.

Resources are thinly spread so you need to be the loudest voice when advocating for your children.

Talk to the schools and see what their opinions are. Especially talk with the senco.

Nobody is going to take your children away.

Op I stand in solidarity with you tonight as I’ve had a very tough day that ended with my ten year old being so violent towards me I ended up wetting myself. Incredibly embarrassing. I honestly don’t know where I go either. I’ve done multiple parenting classes, I’ve had in-house school SEN sessions even though there’s no diagnosis. I’m a bit lost with it at and wonder what this is going to look like when he’s the size and weight of a man. I’m most scared that my older boy will pretty much kill him when theyre both teens as he’s so sick of seeing me be attacked by his brother. I’m amazed the police haven’t turned up if I’m honest.

They won't they have nowhere to put them!!

Taking phones off them, sending them to their rooms, not including them in days out. Doesn’t change anything they stop for a while then start again. It does not last.