How can I cope when my autistic child becomes unmanageable?

[HeartsandRose]

What happens when an autistic child becomes too much for you? I’ve had the worst day of my life and I’m not sure I can cope with my autistic kids anymore, I have 4 autistic children, my oldest is 15 and severely autistic, my other children are 14 12 and 8 anyway the 14 and 12 year old wind her up rotten all day long, it’s all day, they tease her from the moment she gets up till the moment she goes to bed they are rotten towards her and I actually regret having more than one child because of how vile they are towards her, ive spoken to them about what their actions cause, ive disciplined them, and tried being nice and tried to explain that it causes her to become violent but they don’t care nothing works.

I’ve had the police called to my house by someone because of meltdowns in the past. Well today they’ve been winding her up all day, today she caused our fire alarm to go off as she flooded the upstairs, well this caused her to literally kick off horrifically, she ran out the door and into the street with no shoes on screaming the street down, I got my 12 and 14 year old to chase her as I wasn’t quick enough but they couldn’t get her back in the house, she screamed and screamed the street down lying all over the floor, I caught up with them and 3 of us couldn’t get her in the house she lied down on the street screaming her head off pulling her clothes off so we couldn’t grab her, we eventually managed to get her back in the house but she began attacking me and smashing my house up, shes eventually calmed down after about an hour but it was horrific she kept trying to escape the house and she was trying to over power me and attack me to get out, im at the end of my tether, how will I cope with her when she’s stronger than me and can over power me? Im now terrified the neighbours have called the police it was that horrific they would have seen us dragging her in the house kicking and screaming. As I said shes calmed down now but is repeatedly demanding I call the fire brigades and isnt taking no for an answer, ive even had to fake call them to get her to stop but she won’t stop. I can’t do this anymore. How am I suppose to continue like this? One day she will get too powerful for me, im still shaking even though this happened hours ago now. She is as good as gold when it’s just us, but they wind her up constantly and the meltdowns are horrific, please NO judgement.

Man you have to ask yourself why anyone has 6 kids don’t you? Sounds like hell on earth.

That’s a terrible thing to do to children with disabilities.

Oh OP, raising children with additional needs is so hard and you are clearly trying your best, keep going!

My DC is autistic, we have no support network. DC is getting bigger and I have the same worries as you.
We asked for an assessment from the Social Care Disability Team last year and as an outcome from the assessment have been awarded some funded hours for an agency so that a carer can help us for those hours a week, either in the home or they can take my DC out somewhere either on their own or with me and my other children.
It’s definitely worth getting in touch with your local social care disability team. They will talk to everyone in the household and establish what your family’s needs are and how they can support you. The hardest step is starting the process and asking for help, but once you do you may find it’s the best decision you have made. X

This is heart breaking,keep the eldest away from her. Keep them away in their rooms or make sure 8 year old always with you. This poor little girl is living under 2 bullies , her mental health will do better without them around her. My eldest is mean to my youngest but I keep her away when she starts up and my youngest can rely on that action being taken. You need to protect that poor child like your life depends on it.

Yes the boys are both autistic, one is diagnosed one is on waiting list, i think people think im saying they are calling her names or hurting her they are not, im not excusing it but what they are doing is singing things that they know trigger her and they won’t stop when asked, we've discussed that certain words and phrases cause her to have meltdowns but they find it funny when she does, these are things like train announcements so they will sing them and laugh because they know it winds her up and they find it funny when she kicks off over it but they won’t stop because “she use to sing them” even when I’ve told them she doesn’t like it anymore. Then the 14 year old was standing up behind her yesterday when she was sitting down and she didn’t like it so I asked him to stop but he kept going up to her and standing behind her because he knew she didn’t like it. All this stuff gets her dsyregulated and causes meltdowns like yesterday. Im not gonna excusing them but the things they are doing is saying certain words or phrases that she doesn’t like to wind her up she is extremely sensitive to certain words.

Their father left 8 years ago, it’s just the last 3 years theres been no contact but before that he would never take them or have them overnight and he would only visit them if it was at my house. He has never in 8 years had them at his house or overnight, he would only visit them at my house all on his terms as and when he felt like it. He viewed taking them as helping me which he wasnt going to do.

See my above post. Are the boys pda? Sounds like equalising shitty behaviour.

So they get to learn bullying is ok instead? Bad behaviour needs dealt with !

I don’t know I never thought they were i think my daughter is but was told it wasn’t diagnosed in the uk, they say my son is the same at school constantly shouting 67 out because he knows it triggers the other children and he enjoys the reactions from it. He has been asked to stop saying it but he won’t.

Make sure there is a latch on the inside so they cant go in there. I know you need peace but your girl needs safety. Her brain does not feel safe! Can you sleep in her room , she needs a lot of loving input from you . Do not ignore this.

We went private,UK, they diagnosed pda in my eldest.

So sorry I completely understand where you’re coming from. The problem is the lack of funding from the government for any kind of help. In all honesty the ss won’t do anything. Sounds like the 14 and 12 yr old be winding her up on purpose for a dopamine release, it also maybe helps them regulate if they can’t express their emotions they wind the eldest up to then experience the emotions they can’t. Early help and school would be your best bet to ask for help. You haven’t failed your dealing with really tough multiple needs.

Can I ask how school can help as he is in a mainstream (they both are) and they are useless i had to apply for a ehcp myself which was accepted and issued first time (didnt need to appeal it all went straight through) which shows he did need one, but they don’t follow it and they say he is the same at school they say he sings songs and repeats phrases all day to trigger the other Sen children (he does not attend lessons as he is unable to and spends his time at school in a room for Sen children)

Dealing with conflicting needs is hard. I have one who sings or hums to regulate, and another who can't stand the noise. Separate rooms helps a lot, but not sure it would in your case as if he's doing it for a reaction (rather than for regulation) then telling him he can do it where she can't hear won't help. You probably need to work out what he's getting from this (if also ADHD then dopamine hit is most likely) and find other ways he can get this, ideally with the help of a neuro-affirming therapist.
On the school front, there are actions you can take if the EHCP isn't being followed. However, if he's not able to attend lessons at all I would argue that the provision isn't suitable, and would suggest you get the school to say they can't meet needs and call an emergency EHCP review.

So sorry for what you're going through @HeartsandRose. It sounds exhausting. I only have 2 DS and one autistic but verbal. Just like yours he's got triggers and his younger brother knows them but he normally doesn't dare to use them because he will be punished by me and dh. You need some help - 4 kids, 2 def SEN and no dad around- it sounds horrible. Please contact SS, Cahms, school counsellor. Your two middle boys need some intervention (male preferrably) or they will grow up to ft bullies. And you need a breather to be able to continue. So angry that the father has abandoned his children- what a poor excuse of a man leaving you to it.💐

He won’t move schools I wanted him in a Sen school as I know they are not meeting his needs he spends his day sat in the Sen room playing on a computer but he won’t because he said he does not want to be with children like DD

Never issue a threat that you can't or won't carry out. If the kids call your bluff, you are screwed and they will never heed your threats ever again.

OP needs to call SS, not threaten to, and get in-house care, respite care, or whatever else they will offer.

Arrogant little shit! He's "a child like DD".

You tell him he's moving schools. He needs an education and he's not getting it in mainstream.

It's not up to him which school he goes to.

I don’t think it matters whether or not we diagnose it but I found this website very useful for coping with PDA in my daughter.

pdasociety.org.uk

I don’t think it matters whether or not we diagnose it but I found this website very useful for coping with PDA in my daughter.

pdasociety.org.uk

But if he physically refuses to go then how would I get him there? I don’t think he meant it in an arrogant way im not defending him but he has not accepted his diagnosis and views autistic people as having much more challenging behaviour than him. He is worried that in a Sen school the children will have much higher support needs, possibly be aggressive and by “like dd” unable to hold reciprocal conversation and only repeat words and phrases, Dd cant be left alone, cant go out alone and needs full support in all aspects of life, he does not view himself in the same way.

I don’t think it matters whether or not we diagnose it but I found this website very useful for coping with PDA in my daughter.

pdasociety.org.uk

One thing I noticed OP is that you tend to have a lot of reasons for why things won’t work. That’s understandable given the pressures and your experiences but can it work to try and think in a constructive way and use these suggestions as a springboard for thinking what could be done differently and might work? (“can do attitude” rather than “can’t do attitude”)

I don’t think it matters whether or not we diagnose it but I found this website very useful for coping with PDA in my daughter.

pdasociety.org.uk

One thing I noticed OP is that you tend to have a lot of reasons for why things won’t work. That’s understandable given the pressures and your experiences but can it work to try and think in a constructive way and use these suggestions as a springboard for thinking what could be done differently and might work? (“can do attitude” rather than “can’t do attitude”)

I don’t think it matters whether or not we diagnose it but I found this website very useful for coping with PDA in my daughter.

pdasociety.org.uk

One thing I noticed OP is that you tend to have a lot of reasons for why things won’t work. That’s understandable given the pressures and your experiences but can it work to try and think in a constructive way and use these suggestions as a springboard for thinking what could be done differently and might work? (“can do attitude” rather than “can’t do attitude”)

I don’t think it matters whether or not we diagnose it but I found this website very useful for coping with PDA in my daughter.

pdasociety.org.uk

One thing I noticed OP is that you tend to have a lot of reasons for why things won’t work. That’s understandable given the pressures and your experiences but can it work to try and think in a constructive way and use these suggestions as a springboard for thinking what could be done differently and might work? (“can do attitude” rather than “can’t do attitude”)