How can I cope when my autistic child becomes unmanageable?

[HeartsandRose]

What happens when an autistic child becomes too much for you? I’ve had the worst day of my life and I’m not sure I can cope with my autistic kids anymore, I have 4 autistic children, my oldest is 15 and severely autistic, my other children are 14 12 and 8 anyway the 14 and 12 year old wind her up rotten all day long, it’s all day, they tease her from the moment she gets up till the moment she goes to bed they are rotten towards her and I actually regret having more than one child because of how vile they are towards her, ive spoken to them about what their actions cause, ive disciplined them, and tried being nice and tried to explain that it causes her to become violent but they don’t care nothing works.

I’ve had the police called to my house by someone because of meltdowns in the past. Well today they’ve been winding her up all day, today she caused our fire alarm to go off as she flooded the upstairs, well this caused her to literally kick off horrifically, she ran out the door and into the street with no shoes on screaming the street down, I got my 12 and 14 year old to chase her as I wasn’t quick enough but they couldn’t get her back in the house, she screamed and screamed the street down lying all over the floor, I caught up with them and 3 of us couldn’t get her in the house she lied down on the street screaming her head off pulling her clothes off so we couldn’t grab her, we eventually managed to get her back in the house but she began attacking me and smashing my house up, shes eventually calmed down after about an hour but it was horrific she kept trying to escape the house and she was trying to over power me and attack me to get out, im at the end of my tether, how will I cope with her when she’s stronger than me and can over power me? Im now terrified the neighbours have called the police it was that horrific they would have seen us dragging her in the house kicking and screaming. As I said shes calmed down now but is repeatedly demanding I call the fire brigades and isnt taking no for an answer, ive even had to fake call them to get her to stop but she won’t stop. I can’t do this anymore. How am I suppose to continue like this? One day she will get too powerful for me, im still shaking even though this happened hours ago now. She is as good as gold when it’s just us, but they wind her up constantly and the meltdowns are horrific, please NO judgement.

Thank you for understanding, im sorry you are going through it too. Fortunately my neighbours didnt call them today but they hate me so I’m surprised they didn’t so must have not been in.

Also you need to stop calling it teasing. They are bullying, and very severely bullying at that.

Do your younger children show empathy and kindness towards others? Friends for example? Are they kind to animals?

if their only target is their sister then you need to work out why they resent her so much that they want to hurt her. Or whether its you they resent and they are tormenting her to upset you.

You all need support here. Maybe start with the NAS and get advice

Noones going to take your children away. As other have said, that bar is SO high as there’s nowhere to place violent children with additional needs. Even if you asked them to take the child they’d say no.

I've read all your updates.

Whenever anyone suggests something that might help, like SS involvement, you shoot it down. When people suggest disciplining the two bullies in your house, you bleat "no judgement".

You don't actually want help, so what do you want?

I have a feeling OP was hoping for some kindness and understanding.

That doesn't solve her problems though, does it?

OP, this sounds incredibly hard.

Do you have another respected relative - ideally their Dad but any mature, reasonable relative will do - that the 12 and 14 year old respect who can come in, maybe take them out for a coffee or for lunch and talk to them away from the home - meaning ask them a few questions about how they are, how they find their sister, how they behave towards her, how it makes them feel when she reacts, how they think she feels etc etc and then very importantly lay down the law to them that their behaviour is cruel and unacceptable and there will be consequences (you’ll need to decide in advance what these will be and discuss with this person.)

Then you need to enforce those consequences - with my girls it would be that if they carry on like that they will not get to go into town with their mates on Saturday.

This requires a firm, calm hand and proper parenting - taking the lead and setting and enforcing boundaries from you. If Dad is at home and any good it will be even more effective coming from him with you both as a united front.

Then all of your kids separately need regular 1:1 time with you (and their Dad if around/decent.) The autistic ones will be loads better if they actually get what they need in terms of listening and attention (in my humble experience.)

Separately, I always say it but diet is absolutely key to behaviour, moods and mental health. There’s some evidence that diet and/or diet of the mother in the womb causes autism but it’s still being investigated.

Cut the crap (processed/packet food/supermarket white bread)
out and if financially viable they need high quality meat/veg/potatoes, oily fish twice a week, beans, nuts & dairy. No fizzy drinks.

I wish you all the luck in the world. Ignore if any of this is already happening of course.

Failing the above, the GP or the school may be able to signpost you to parental support or family therapy. (I was able to access a parenting course when I had trouble with my oldest bullying my youngest, it really helped.)

Are the 12 and 14yr olds boys? You've got to keep them away from your daughter, they'll scar her for life.

Where's thier father, is he doing anything?

@HeartsandRose are they at school?
As pp what space do they have from each other at home?

Does your eldest go to a special school? They are often expert in knowing what options are available for support so tell them how much you are all struggling.

Some problems aren’t solveable unfortunately. That’s just the reality. Some problems are more ones that you manage.

No family willing to help and their father is not involved.

Sure. And the suggestions to help manage them have been shot down. Hence I ask what OP actually wants. "How can I cope...?" is asking for solutions, no? I read that title correctly?

They do not see their father. Both are boys.

She has a tutor at home provided by the LA.

Are the other children in school?

You make him involved.

Pack your sons' bags, drive them to their dad's house, and leave them there.

It is not OK for them to bully their sister.

She'll be a prime candidate for getting into an abusive relationship because that's what she's used to.

You really need social services to help, it's too much for you alone.

Please make sure the boys are left alone with her, I expect she's terrified of them 😥.

Please make sure the boys are left alone with her

I think you missed "not". You are correct in identifying a safeguarding problem.

What resources do you have available?

does your oldest have a completely private space in the home?
does your oldest have any care providers beyond the GP?

do you have the means to access private therapy?

they 100% should not be bullying, but you also need to approach the problem from the other direction. Learning to identify that feeling of getting overwhelmed and walking away is an important skill. Your teen needs a private space and needs to learn to go there to self regulate with chosen activities before the meltdown.

It sounds like thd problem that needs to be dealt with is her siblings bullying her. Do they see the pain they are causing the whole family? At that age they should recognise that and be able to control their behaviour. You need to social services or early help involved. Get everyone you can working with your DC to improve the situation. Maybe they need a stern talking to by professionals, maybe a sibling carers group, counselling. A break from the family home. The more people involved, the more likely it will be solved. Ask for a TAF meeting.

You will need to do what Katie Price did with her eldest child when you will not be able to cope.

£50 says that the boys follow her into her room to bully her.

Ah I’m sorry to hear that. That does make it even more difficult. Assuming it wouldn’t be appropriate/possible to get him involved to help out here, could you get some time with the 12 and 14 year old outside the house and have that conversation yourself? I would go at it from a perspective of multiple questions really trying to understand why they do this and how they feel and probing how they would feel if it happened to them etc. Doing it away from home is important as children often talk more when not at home.

Good luck. I can imagine it must be a bit frustrating getting some of these suggestions where they just aren’t possible for your particular situation (because the people on here aren’t familiar with it) but it may be that even if something isn’t exactly possible, it gives you an idea to think about. (So eg going back to my suggestion above, if no family is there a neighbour or friend?)

He hasn’t seen them in 3 years