How can I cope when my autistic child becomes unmanageable?

[HeartsandRose]

What happens when an autistic child becomes too much for you? I’ve had the worst day of my life and I’m not sure I can cope with my autistic kids anymore, I have 4 autistic children, my oldest is 15 and severely autistic, my other children are 14 12 and 8 anyway the 14 and 12 year old wind her up rotten all day long, it’s all day, they tease her from the moment she gets up till the moment she goes to bed they are rotten towards her and I actually regret having more than one child because of how vile they are towards her, ive spoken to them about what their actions cause, ive disciplined them, and tried being nice and tried to explain that it causes her to become violent but they don’t care nothing works.

I’ve had the police called to my house by someone because of meltdowns in the past. Well today they’ve been winding her up all day, today she caused our fire alarm to go off as she flooded the upstairs, well this caused her to literally kick off horrifically, she ran out the door and into the street with no shoes on screaming the street down, I got my 12 and 14 year old to chase her as I wasn’t quick enough but they couldn’t get her back in the house, she screamed and screamed the street down lying all over the floor, I caught up with them and 3 of us couldn’t get her in the house she lied down on the street screaming her head off pulling her clothes off so we couldn’t grab her, we eventually managed to get her back in the house but she began attacking me and smashing my house up, shes eventually calmed down after about an hour but it was horrific she kept trying to escape the house and she was trying to over power me and attack me to get out, im at the end of my tether, how will I cope with her when she’s stronger than me and can over power me? Im now terrified the neighbours have called the police it was that horrific they would have seen us dragging her in the house kicking and screaming. As I said shes calmed down now but is repeatedly demanding I call the fire brigades and isnt taking no for an answer, ive even had to fake call them to get her to stop but she won’t stop. I can’t do this anymore. How am I suppose to continue like this? One day she will get too powerful for me, im still shaking even though this happened hours ago now. She is as good as gold when it’s just us, but they wind her up constantly and the meltdowns are horrific, please NO judgement.

My ex MIL had 6 kids, all with varying forms of autism, the 3 youngest were highly autistic and she was the only parent in our borough who had 3 autistic young adults at home with her .
She had social services involved.
They were never took off her even though their home life was really chaotic. Eventually the oldest of the 3 at home had to go into supported living as he was a threat to the younger 2. They used to get taken out by support workers to give their mum a break from the chaos.

Social services can help to support you with days out for them and activities they can do. They get extra funding.
Don't be afraid to ask for help. You're likely ND too and you need a break along with the kids.

They may be bored and winding up their sibling coz they get a reaction. Attention from you.
My ex used to say having the 3 younger siblings who were so highly dependent meant there wasn't much attention for him so he used to play up and get into trouble to get the focus on him for a change. He said it was the only time he felt noticed.

It's hard work, don't underestimate how well you're actually coping 💐

Time for him to do so.

I am sick of men shagging around, siring kids everywhere, and then fucking off.

You need to actually parent your bullies. Enough with the ‘I do discipline them but it doesn’t work’. Stop making excuses. You’re allowing your eldest vulnerable child be bullied every day in her own home?!

Hi Op, I think at the ages your boys are they start to look/need external male role models that aren’t in the immediate family unit. Is there anyone you know that would fit that category? Do they engage in any extra curricula? It could be a sports coach, etc or a male cousin/ uncle . I would actually contact their school and see if they have any pastoral mentoring that they can offer. Many schools do this where teachers who have good relationships with students spend a bit of extra time with them discussing life/issues/their future/ relationships etc as a supportive wellbeing measure. Lots of schools also have 6th formers as peer mentors etc if it is a 11-18 school. I really hope that you are able to take on some advice that has been offered here in order to make your family life a little more settled, I can appreciate this must be a very stressful and worrying time.

It’s hard.
There may be local charities or family organisations who could help but it’s a postcode lottery. Try autism specific orgs?

She has her own room

They both hate sports and do not want to do anything related to sports, no male family members. Lots of male teachers in their school.

But the OP is a person too! Seems like women lose all human rights when they become mothers and posters like you encourage exactly that. The OP is being tortured in her own home and gets no peace. But as a woman and a mother, according to you, it's her fault and she must make it better for everyone, even though worn out and strugglingto cope. Disgusting misogynistic attitude.

Can you even imagine the struggle the OP has every day trying to cope. How her nervous system must be in shreds, the despair at the situation she's in.

As another poster said, some problems are not very solvable. I think the two troublemakers should be left with their father whether they like it or not and whether the father likes it or not, even if he hasn't seen them in three years.

I mean, yeah, read more into my post, read between the lines and make up your own story 🤨😵‍💫😵‍💫

Their bullying behaviour has not just started overnight. Yes, of course I can imagine the struggles and how difficult it is for the OP, but does that mean her daughter deserves to be bullied every single day? Of course not! You yourself have offered a solution in your post. So clearly you also agree OP needs to step up.

The thing is you say you have 4 children with autism so the younger ones are autistic too. Their autism.traits may not be as profound and constantly turned up as your oldest but their autism means they are unlikely to respond to the usual consequence type parenting

I sont mean to be negative but I think parenting 4 autistic children in a way that they can get all their needs met sounds like it would be beyond impossible to me

The only way I can think to stop the younger ones from winding up the older one is the sorts of joint reward mentioned earlier and perhaps working together to help the younger ones see the advantages to them if the older one stays calm. At the moment the pay off to them is that her reactions are amusing to them , as long as her reactions are not too extreme

You will need to find rewards that work.for each autistic child which are worth more to them than the amusement they get from the reaction.

Oh gosh I didn't see my typo!!!

'Aren't' obviously, sorry.

Do the boys go in there to bully her?

OP

refer yourself to early help as has been suggested multiple times -
if you aren’t going to. for unreasonable fears of the kids being taken away, then you are part of the problem and things aren’t going to change and as those boys get older it will get worse ….

I agree with this.

Social services will not take your kids away. There is a dire lack of foster carers and the bar for removal is incredibly high.

Put your kids first and get them help. Your poor daughter is being bullied, essentially emotionally tortured, in her own home. You need to step up and protect her.

Your current discipline isn't working so stop using it as an "I'm doing something" excuse.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, I really feel for your daughter. What a horrible life.

I am with you - I think if it is at all possible / appropriate bringing father back into the picture as a these boys’ parent is very, very important. I understand if he was physically abusive to them or is a drug addict/criminal this may not be the right thing, but otherwise he has two children he is not parenting who desperately need a firm hand and a male role model.

I have had times with my difficult (suspected autism) older daughter where she simply would not do as asked and physically pushed me out of her room. I was so grateful that her dad was around because he was able to talk to her without being pushed out of the room!! Sometimes you simply need a man’s physical presence and strong voice, which noone who had not been in this situation will understand. Happily this phase is past now for us and daughter is delightful, if still a tricky one!!

Was their dad abusive?

That's not what would happen.
You need to find out how they can support you. You might be able to get respite. Your middle children need to understand what they are doing and the effects it is having.

You need support. Please don't be frightened to ask for it.

Rubbish -
a father who has chosen to completely walk away from his kids is not going to be the sort of bloke that is going to be of any use in this very dysfunctional household
professional help is needed
not some bloke that these kids don’t even have a relationship with !!!!!

You need a much harsher punishment, if what you are doing isn't working. Take away things they really want until they behave. You are losing control in the house and those two are getting bigger too. As soon as they start again take everything away again and for longer make them aware that the punishments will escalate every time they start up again and mean it.

All the OPs children are autistic. Why are you talking about ‘punishments?’ It’s the absolutely last thing you do with neurodiverse children.

I suggest you ask this to be moved to the SEN board as you're likely to get more understanding responses. Are the younger children is school? If so they should be able to get some counselling through school, I'd also contact early help who should be able to refer them as young carers. Do you get respite care for your daughter? Again social services can help with this? Are you happy with her having a tutor rather than in school? If not you can push for a special school. If you are, I would look at getting some therapies added to her EHCP.

I would threaten the boys with social services. Tell them that if they keep bullying her they will have nothing. No tv, computer sweets nothing ! They will go to school and go straight to their rooms come out to eat and then back. And that will happen until they stop. If they continue after this then they will be taken away (not real threat)

You don’t know that he chose that or what the story behind it is. Also people change…but ok I will admit I’ve never met a man who had no contact with his children so can’t really judge from personal experience.

Also, I am new to Mumsnet and I am really surprised at the tone on here. “Rubbish” ? Are you that rude to people in real life? The OP wants support and some of us sympathise with her and want to offer support. Do you have anything constructive to add?

Gently OP I don't think this is happening because you are a bad mother, I think it's happening because you have 3 volatile, high needs big teens/adults in the house and it is impossible for one carer to cope with that.

You say you can't control the boys and that is fine, but that means you NEED outside help. I don't blame you for not being able to just stop the boys behaviour, but your refusal to get outside help means YOU ARE condoning your child being bullied in her own home. You say you are afraid to request help because you don't want any of you children to go into care, but if you can't make them all live together without bullying then maybe one or two of them NEED to go into care. I follow a family on the internet where 2 severely autistic older teens (18&14 I think) cannot live together and the parents literally separated and now swap kids, because that was what their children NEEDED! Now, few years after separating, they can go on short outings as a family and the boys actually enjoy seeing each other!

Looking after 3 large people with clashing needs IS TOO MUCH for one person, please ask social services, or the children's school for help, not because you are a bad mother, but because you are a good, but sadly human mother, who can't provide 3 different things at once and therefore can't look after all her children.

People seem to be commenting as if the two boys are neurotypical - if they are also autistic, they may not be able to comprehend how they are affecting their sister, and they may well be unable to see it as bullying. OP, do please ask for help from school, from SS, from any family you have.