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Parenting

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I misread the situation between my son and my boyfriend's daughter

177 replies

SpunkyMentor · 21/04/2026 02:21

I have a 16-year-old daughter, a 13-year-old son and an 8-year old daughter. My boyfriend has a 12 year-old daughter. More often my boyfriend and his daughter would come to my house for the times for everyone to hang out. My boyfriend's daughter spends the most time with my 8-year-old daughter. My son and my boyfriend's daughter don't really talk to each other, and they talk less when the other is around. They also tend to avoid being in the same room if they can. At times, I've seen my boyfriend's daughter literally run away from my son.

My son spends a lot of time in his room, either on using his tv, video games, laptop, phone, or weights. Sometimes he wears earphones. My 16-year-old daughter told me about something I didn't know. My 16-year-old daughter said that my boyfriend's daughter would sneak into my son's room. That BF's daughter will throw something at him and run away. If my son is wearing earphones, she might try to walk up to him, poke him on the shoulder then run away.

I asked my son about it and he confirmed it's true. I asked if it's part of a game and he said no. He said she's really weird. I asked him if she's bulling him. I told him boys can be bullied by girls. He said "yeah kinda." I told him I love him and that everything will be okay.

I talked to my boyfriend. To use a less harsh word that bullying, I said bothering. I asked my boyfriend to make his daughter stop bothering my son. And he said he will.

2 weeks later, things seemed better as my boyfriend's daughter has been spending even more time with my 8-year-old daughter. My son asked what's wrong with my boyfriend's daughter. I asked what does he mean. He said she's not acting like herself. I asked if she's still bullying him. He asked what do I mean. I said I told her father to make her stop bullying you.

He looked really upset. He asked why did I make her dad stop her and that things were perfect the way they were. I reminded him that he said she was bulling him. I asked if he's scared of her, he said no. I asked if she said something to him. He said no and that's the problem.

I asked if she's hurting him in anyway and he said no. He told me to stop asking questions as if she's a bad kid. I asked if he and her were friends. He said it's complicated. I said that maybe she can go back to doing whatever she was doing before. My son told me I don't get it and then he told me to stop meddling. He told me I ruined everything.

Obviously, I'm really confused.

OP posts:
PollyBell · 21/04/2026 02:31

So he didnt ask you to do anything so why did you? Women dont need to fix everything, women complain about thought load so dont get involved unless asked

SpunkyMentor · 21/04/2026 02:33

PollyBell · 21/04/2026 02:31

So he didnt ask you to do anything so why did you? Women dont need to fix everything, women complain about thought load so dont get involved unless asked

He said "yeah kinda" when I asked him if she bullying him. I thought he understood that if he called it bullying, it's something I would make sure stop.

OP posts:
ArtemisNutella · 21/04/2026 02:34

It does sound confusing. I think you should stop making all of the kids hang out together. The 13 and 12 year olds obviously have a strange dynamic between them. The 12 year old also must be bored spending time with an 8 year old. And the 16 year old obviously has no interest.
Just keep your relationship and your kids separate. It’s very possible for you and your boyfriend to have a relationship, go out on dates, etc, without involving and blending the kids at all. In a few years they will all be more independent and things will be easier.

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Meadowfinch · 21/04/2026 02:36

Sounds like you took the original situation too seriously. She was occasionally teasing him, creeping up on him etc, and he didn't mind, a sort of affectionate tolerance of little sister type thing. Acting like a family.
You've mistaken it for bullying, intervened and now it is generally less relaxed.
Best just to leave them to sort it out between themselves now.

Awfulpersonid · 21/04/2026 02:42

Sounds like they have crushes on each other. She’s trying to get his attention by teasing him and he pretends not to like it but actually does.

Awfulpersonid · 21/04/2026 02:43

Be careful or you could end up sharing a grandchild with your BF

SpunkyMentor · 21/04/2026 02:44

ArtemisNutella · 21/04/2026 02:34

It does sound confusing. I think you should stop making all of the kids hang out together. The 13 and 12 year olds obviously have a strange dynamic between them. The 12 year old also must be bored spending time with an 8 year old. And the 16 year old obviously has no interest.
Just keep your relationship and your kids separate. It’s very possible for you and your boyfriend to have a relationship, go out on dates, etc, without involving and blending the kids at all. In a few years they will all be more independent and things will be easier.

I think one part you definitely got wrong is thinking my boyfriend's daughter is bored spending time with my 8-year-old daughter. My boyfriend's daughter seems to love spending time with my 8-year-old.

OP posts:
ShelleyCarpenter · 21/04/2026 02:47

Awfulpersonid · 21/04/2026 02:42

Sounds like they have crushes on each other. She’s trying to get his attention by teasing him and he pretends not to like it but actually does.

This!

SpunkyMentor · 21/04/2026 02:50

Awfulpersonid · 21/04/2026 02:42

Sounds like they have crushes on each other. She’s trying to get his attention by teasing him and he pretends not to like it but actually does.

I seen similar suggestions when I asked about this on another site.

I hope that's not what's happening.

OP posts:
PollyBell · 21/04/2026 02:56

SpunkyMentor · 21/04/2026 02:33

He said "yeah kinda" when I asked him if she bullying him. I thought he understood that if he called it bullying, it's something I would make sure stop.

No I do not take "yeah kinda" as a need for someone to interfere

BeanQuisine · 21/04/2026 03:02

Does sound like someone is bulling here.

SpunkyMentor · 21/04/2026 03:05

BeanQuisine · 21/04/2026 03:02

Does sound like someone is bulling here.

That was the original thought. But it seems less likely now.

OP posts:
CypressGrove · 21/04/2026 03:06

Make sure they both understand safe sex as it sounds like this situation could get out of hand.

SpunkyMentor · 21/04/2026 03:09

CypressGrove · 21/04/2026 03:06

Make sure they both understand safe sex as it sounds like this situation could get out of hand.

This is a nightmare I could never have imagined for a thought like that to pop up.

🤢🤢🤢

OP posts:
LivingTheDreamish · 21/04/2026 03:13

Definitely sounds like a crush type situation. I would keep an eye on it OP.

AD1509 · 21/04/2026 03:15

Sounds very much like flirting in that age group. He was clearly not going to admit that to you and is now annoyed you’ve ruined their fun. Hence the “it was perfect”- which is an odd way for a pre teen to describe a regular social interaction with a peer.

Awfulpersonid · 21/04/2026 03:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ktopfwcv · 21/04/2026 03:25

You pushed his answer by probing him with the bullying remark.

SpunkyMentor · Yesterday 01:18

This evening, I askes my son about what's going on. I avoid any leading questions this time. I told him I love him and nothing will change that. I promised him I wouldn't get angry.

He admitted he has a crush on my boyfriend's daughter. He admitted he didn't want to tell me because he didn't want to ruin things for me and my boyfriend.

I feel so stupid for not even considering before random people on the internet suggested that as a possibility.

OP posts:
AnotherName2025 · Yesterday 01:25

Awfulpersonid · 21/04/2026 02:42

Sounds like they have crushes on each other. She’s trying to get his attention by teasing him and he pretends not to like it but actually does.

That was my take too.

i think you've crushed a crush.

bit of a shame for the kids, but probably for the best given the situation.

EDIT: Cross posted with you! but yeah, they'll find others to crush on, just keep an eye on it.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · Yesterday 01:25

Then you need to be sure that he understands about safe sex, consent and contraception.

The girl also needs this information.

SpunkyMentor · Yesterday 01:30

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · Yesterday 01:25

Then you need to be sure that he understands about safe sex, consent and contraception.

The girl also needs this information.

Edited

I have talked to my son about safe sex.

OP posts:
OhWise1 · Yesterday 02:38

CypressGrove · 21/04/2026 03:06

Make sure they both understand safe sex as it sounds like this situation could get out of hand.

Talk to them about Safe sex? The girl is 12!!

SpunkyMentor · Yesterday 03:01

OhWise1 · Yesterday 02:38

Talk to them about Safe sex? The girl is 12!!

My boyfriend has talked to his daughter about safe sex.

Maybe I'm naive but I'm not that worried that that would happen.

OP posts:
Motnight · Yesterday 03:30

You and your boyfriend need to protect your children better. A safe sex discussion at the age of 12?? There's potential for all sorts of abuse.

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