Childminder ending care suddenly for my sons, no clear reason given

[BePoliteRedUser]

Our childminder sent us the following message last night after caring for my son's since they were 6 months old.

'Hi Kate, I’m really sorry to have to send this message. Due to a change in my personal circumstances unfortunately I won’t be able to care for - and - anymore. Taking their notice period into account, their last day will be 18th April. I will send your final April invoice to reflect this date. - and E- have become part of the family, so I really will miss them. Xx'

She has about 20 years experience and has had babies and young children before. She has usually seemed very pleasant and kind.

My partner asked whether they will be closing down this morning and she said she won't be ending care for all of the children and that she w as a upset to end the message. He asked if it was about their behaviour or our parenting and she said it isn't. She is still being cryptic as bout the reason why though. My partner put it down to a health problem or something along those lines or a divorce as it was so sudden. I didn't believe it was that because of how she worded the message.

I suppose I just wanted to garner people's thoughts and ask advice really as I've been really upset about it and didn't realise how much it would upset me (been tearful all morning and feeling at a loss at to why).

Sometimes at childcare my sons have hit out at other children or been upset and my partner has let me know this. I have been worried she would end care with them and he has laughed and said don't be silly and let her know how I feel. She has said to him it's okay she has seen it all before and tell me not to worry. It sounds like I did have reason to worry now?

I feel upset that I don't know the secret reason why she is abruptly ending her care with them after saying things were fine before. I feel really hurt that she is doing this with no prior warning of the build up and not being descriptive about why now it's happening. I know she's entitled to be secretive if she wants I am aware people don't have to disclose these matters. I just felt like it would have been kind and respectful to after all this time. We paid her a retainer in over 200 quid a month for my second son whilst I was on maternity leave and she hasn't said anything to suggest she would be ending care soon. I feel very blindsided and am questioning my parenting and what the real reason for this is?

I wondered with the what I understand is very limited information in this post, whether anyone could shed light on why they think this is happening or offer any advice or thoughts.

I'm really sorry OP. That sounds really out of the blue. No suggestions really other than the best thing to do is be gracious, accept her decision and thank her for her time. As you say, she doesn't owe an explanation and there could be hundreds of things going on. Even if you she did change her mind you and your boys deserve stability and a carer that is 100% behind them.

Take care of yourself today and start looking tomorrow for a replacement.

She doesnt owe you anything more than she has said. Its due to personal circumstances.

How old are your children?

If she doesn't want to disclose her personal circumstances then that's her right.
It could be anything, family issue, health problem, and she just needs to reduce her workload.

Its so hard as a cm to have a private/ personal life and nit feel you owe people more of an explanation or more of yourself than they are due. If it were any other job, you wouldn't be required to give details. I accept its a different relationship than most jobs but she could just lie to protect herself and her privacy just to ease your feelings.

Bet she’s coming under pressure to look after grandchildren and yours have had to go to make room

I'm sorry you're upset, but she's ending it for personal reasons in bs & has said it's not about your children's behaviour. Maybe that's the truth, maybe it's not, but that's what she's said. Keeping asking her isn't going to change that.

There's nothing about her messsge to say it's not a personal reason. She could be finding having so many kids too much health wise or doesn't need so many now financially. If could be a million reasons like only keeping the wrap around school kids to free up her time in the day.

What matters now is accepting this is the situation & finding other care for them.

how long has she looked after your youngest after taking your retainer?

She doesn’t owe you anything but as she’s not ending care for all the children it would suggest behaviour issues. Are you sure your partner is telling you the full story as it’s very odd to keep some children on and not others.

When my CM returned after mat leave she ended my contract and the reason was she had a family with 3 kids approach and she would make more money from them than my 2. Could it be something like that?

Seems strange she’s not ending care for all the children I would have thought if it was due to health, divorce etc she would be finishing full stop. She doesn’t owe you an explanation but given the fact she’s still continuing I would have expected some reason so understandable you are concerned

Not necessarily, could be just wanting to reduce workload or use less space in the house, get a smaller car etc.

It's really not. She might want only pre/afterschool to free up her day. Financially maybe she can stop having so many, health wuss she might need to lessen her load. Maybe she wants to keep slightly older ones that don't need picking up so much.

However, if I even had the passing thought that my kids behaviour was a problem I'd be dealing with that ;before my childminder gave me notice.

Exactly. It could be anything. I know this has come as a shock op but nobody here will know why, we can only guess. I hope you find someone else soon.

It could be she wants to just focus on pre school kids if yours are now older. Or vice versa.

Or as someone else said she needs the space for a relative or something.

Given they've been with her a while I doubt it's behavioural.

She's allowed a private life. She's said 'personal reasons'. It could be a thousand different things.

I’m self employed in a client facing role and basically can pick and choose which clients I work with.

It’s rare that I ‘let a client go’ but I found in the past that when I give them the reason, they’ll often almost argue with me and try and find a workaround, which makes me feel pressure to keep trying to accommodate them.

So now it’s always “due to personal circumstances” and I refuse to be drawn on what those circumstances are.

Not necessarily, I’ve known CM keep on after school kids but stop younger ones.

I would be annoyed about the retainer if I'd paid it for longer than the baby received care tbh. Otherwise yes it is unsettling and upsetting but people make their own decisions for lots of reasons and you're not entitled to know all of them unfortunately.

Could also be purely a business decision, she needs to give someone else more hours etc

That's quite the leap, given the OP hasn't said how old the CM is or anything about her personal circumstances!

It may be she needs to reduce kids/stress so she’s choosing the most difficult ones- even if they aren’t that difficult really. So she’s truthful in that she said it wasn’t a problem before as many kids are similar, but they would be first to go if you need to reduce your world load.
So yes and no to their behaviour being the reason iykwim.

Apart come one toddler I'd had since she was 3 months old (and the family was moving away soon) I stopped looking after babies and toddlers and stuck to before and afterschool care. I did the drop off pick up and we had a nice routine with snacks, homework etc. Much easier than wrangling babies all day. I was able to give more time to my youngest at the time who was a toddler too.

They are very close together at 19 months and 2 and a half years old x

As said in the post I know she doesn't have to! We all know that already. I understand social expectations marcyhermit.

I am hurt and baffled with the suddenness of it with no real warning considering the length of time she's been involved. Me and partner both work full time and my job is very demanding so it's left us blindsided and in the shit tbh.. it seems like if it's not due to health reasons or divorce or something then there could've been much more prior warning?

With regards to how they have been, she has always said their behaviour is developmentally normal when my partner has asked if it's a problem for he providing care and laughed it off. I suppose if it's to do with behaviour she could've been more transparent and direct about it and told us she may have to consider ending care in good time for other arrangements to be made.

Everyone's roof over the head here depends on me and her being reliable. If I don't have childcare I can't attend work and I provide about 3/4 of the bread so when given 3 weeks notice to find a new childminder and waiting lists are massive it's stressful and hurtful (I know she'll be aware of this being a childminder herself).

Also, I know she doesn't have to love them and I am well aware of how my sons can be day to day and that it's incredibly difficult with them a lot of the time, but 2 years is a while of a time to be involved and for her to just give 3 weeks warning of her exit from them like that has really hurt for some reason.

I know I do get that babies and toddlers are difficult compared to preschoolers l, particularly mine and this could definitely be a reason why she's dropping out.