Childminder ending care suddenly for my sons, no clear reason given

[BePoliteRedUser]

Our childminder sent us the following message last night after caring for my son's since they were 6 months old.

'Hi Kate, I’m really sorry to have to send this message. Due to a change in my personal circumstances unfortunately I won’t be able to care for - and - anymore. Taking their notice period into account, their last day will be 18th April. I will send your final April invoice to reflect this date. - and E- have become part of the family, so I really will miss them. Xx'

She has about 20 years experience and has had babies and young children before. She has usually seemed very pleasant and kind.

My partner asked whether they will be closing down this morning and she said she won't be ending care for all of the children and that she w as a upset to end the message. He asked if it was about their behaviour or our parenting and she said it isn't. She is still being cryptic as bout the reason why though. My partner put it down to a health problem or something along those lines or a divorce as it was so sudden. I didn't believe it was that because of how she worded the message.

I suppose I just wanted to garner people's thoughts and ask advice really as I've been really upset about it and didn't realise how much it would upset me (been tearful all morning and feeling at a loss at to why).

Sometimes at childcare my sons have hit out at other children or been upset and my partner has let me know this. I have been worried she would end care with them and he has laughed and said don't be silly and let her know how I feel. She has said to him it's okay she has seen it all before and tell me not to worry. It sounds like I did have reason to worry now?

I feel upset that I don't know the secret reason why she is abruptly ending her care with them after saying things were fine before. I feel really hurt that she is doing this with no prior warning of the build up and not being descriptive about why now it's happening. I know she's entitled to be secretive if she wants I am aware people don't have to disclose these matters. I just felt like it would have been kind and respectful to after all this time. We paid her a retainer in over 200 quid a month for my second son whilst I was on maternity leave and she hasn't said anything to suggest she would be ending care soon. I feel very blindsided and am questioning my parenting and what the real reason for this is?

I wondered with the what I understand is very limited information in this post, whether anyone could shed light on why they think this is happening or offer any advice or thoughts.

People LOVE to put the boot in to a mother wondering about her children’s behaviour. They’re 1 and 2!

I can completely understand why this has upset you. You put your trust in her. She’s not a sodding cleaner. She had your two very small sons in her care in her home. It’s an emotionally intimate relationship and her communication doesn’t reflect that trust and intimacy so it’s thrown you.

If I had to wager a guess it’s more about your partner if he does all the drop offs and pick ups….has he forgotten their nappies, hats, suncream etc? So many men wouldn’t even realise how outrageous it is to be routinely crap because the childminder might have said ‘don’t worry, I’ll sort it.’ I’d ask her if it has to do with your partner or your kids so that you fix whatever it is if it is in fact either of those things.

If basically pay for everything where exactly does his money go? Your kids are in very long hours of childcare while he does a job that doesn’t really add to the family bottom line in a meaningful way.

Yeah it has felt intimate from my pov but maybe it's just not been how she's felt and it's been a business decision.

Money goes on all living costs 1000 rent, 500 debts, 550 all bills ct etc, a lot on petrol, loads on food and household items, just bought them new shoes which cost a fortune, NMc fees last month to keep my registration, travel costs, cm fees.. the list is very extensive and boring lol.. I've been telling him this about his job for a while, he's been doing the same role as a graphic designer for 20 years now, he works hard but hasn't been offered or asked for a pay rise beyond minimum wage in a very long time. I hoped he could have some job progression or just go somewhere with better pay. I feel like if he wanted to get a job and provide better for the family he would've done this with his other family before 16 by years ago..

He's a great Dad in the sense that he does everything, every wake up every morning at 6 am and every night waking with the 2 yo (who still wakes up a few times throughout the night every night). He plays with them, does the cooking 80% of the time, bath times teeth brushings etc,it's pretty much all him as I'm not here aside from Tuesday throughout the week and on the weekend I'm exhausted so he allows me to stay in bed. My day with them is Tuesday mainly and I am back to see them for bedtime on most nights and kiss them goodbye in the morning. I get to do things with them on the weekend (we go to his Mum's on Sundays and they like to play there with cousins etc).

Partner works just under 30 hours I think. I have said I would like to swap roles and he says he doesn't believe he can get a job to reflect my salary. I believe he could and he is a person comforted by routine and everything being familiar and the same so is scared to think about a new job as he's been doing this jobs since he 25 when I first knew him and before his marriage and kids he had with his ex etc!! This whole cm thing has been a catalyst for me to think about moving back to where I was before as I loved it there but he is scared of change. He would still do it if I said we were doing it though (moving house etc). He will go with what I want to make me happy.

I know what you mean about the change bags. I told him about men and change bags years ago and trained him a long while ago to do the change bags properly with the sun cream hats flasks nappies etc lol. He listened and does them perfect with everything in since then and has ever since. He is a person who is reliable and always on time for everything (unlike me🤣) so I don't know whether he's annoyed cm ins one way?. I came with him today to pick up the boys and she even seemed to make eye contact with him more and just asked me if I'd 'had any luck finding someone yet'.

Like it's been suggested on the other posts, I think asking her if it's something to do with my partner is probably not gonna reveal anything because I think she said 'personal reasons' as her mind is made up and that deters me. It might be worth a try but idk it just all seems a bit pointless now. My son was crying today when we got to the door and cm said it was because he'd been jumping on my other son again and she was trying to separate them, which I have all the time everyday at home so I don't question it.

When cm asked, I let her know that I've contacted two CMS and have signed them up to a nursery provisionally for August and it might be better for my oldest son. About the new prospective cm in I met with tonight she said 'oh yes she's new isn't she so not much experience hmm' and with regard the nursery comment she said 'yes I think it will be good for oldest son a nursery environment' suggesting that she does think he is difficult and it might be the reason? She advised to look around a few CMS 'if we have time' ( after the 2/3 weeks notice she gave) and to take time to decide the right fit. She also said 'this one's been lovely today' referring to my youngest son who was signing and dancing in her arms when we came to the door as if to suggest my older son has misbehaved all day yet again.

Anyway I've rambled.. 🤪 the new cm seems nice and the setting was chilled out. My partner is unsure about safety as she let me sons run in the garden with her kids and one of the flag stones popped up 🤣, also she had the TV on lol. They did seem like nice people her and her partner though, it's just really hard to trusts someone unknown with your children.