Childminder ending care suddenly for my sons, no clear reason given

[BePoliteRedUser]

Our childminder sent us the following message last night after caring for my son's since they were 6 months old.

'Hi Kate, I’m really sorry to have to send this message. Due to a change in my personal circumstances unfortunately I won’t be able to care for - and - anymore. Taking their notice period into account, their last day will be 18th April. I will send your final April invoice to reflect this date. - and E- have become part of the family, so I really will miss them. Xx'

She has about 20 years experience and has had babies and young children before. She has usually seemed very pleasant and kind.

My partner asked whether they will be closing down this morning and she said she won't be ending care for all of the children and that she w as a upset to end the message. He asked if it was about their behaviour or our parenting and she said it isn't. She is still being cryptic as bout the reason why though. My partner put it down to a health problem or something along those lines or a divorce as it was so sudden. I didn't believe it was that because of how she worded the message.

I suppose I just wanted to garner people's thoughts and ask advice really as I've been really upset about it and didn't realise how much it would upset me (been tearful all morning and feeling at a loss at to why).

Sometimes at childcare my sons have hit out at other children or been upset and my partner has let me know this. I have been worried she would end care with them and he has laughed and said don't be silly and let her know how I feel. She has said to him it's okay she has seen it all before and tell me not to worry. It sounds like I did have reason to worry now?

I feel upset that I don't know the secret reason why she is abruptly ending her care with them after saying things were fine before. I feel really hurt that she is doing this with no prior warning of the build up and not being descriptive about why now it's happening. I know she's entitled to be secretive if she wants I am aware people don't have to disclose these matters. I just felt like it would have been kind and respectful to after all this time. We paid her a retainer in over 200 quid a month for my second son whilst I was on maternity leave and she hasn't said anything to suggest she would be ending care soon. I feel very blindsided and am questioning my parenting and what the real reason for this is?

I wondered with the what I understand is very limited information in this post, whether anyone could shed light on why they think this is happening or offer any advice or thoughts.

Says who?
I assume your teaching is of older children?

My guess - knowing a lot of CMs - personal = financial.

it’s the funding. It’s crippling childcare.

If she can work less hours for equal or more money with easier children as they are older then to her it’s a no brainer.

and as she’s older she may find older children easier to manage than toddler siblings.

It’s also possible her son and wife are expecting and she wants the days to support them with her grandchild.

Damn I think the tone of this came across wrong I was just saying I know about ADHD I see it every day, the minimum age I see though is about 7 because it seems to take that long to get through referral diagnosis etc so I don't know about the presentation of toddlers as well as with the kids I see.. I was saying I am vigilant to the signs though and have thought about ADHD a lot even so.. but didn't mean it to come across as jumping down throat or anything x

Yeah all that is possible, my kids don't turn 2 and 3 til August an September which is still a little while away but maybe she is getting the easier kids with more funding in earlier.

I know very well that cms provide a service and owe me and my sons nothing in terms of loyalty etc. I realise logically that childminders don't love kids most of the time who aren't there own but the illogical part of me had a big moment and I think I was feeling a wave of sadness despite this because she was someone who possibly spends more time with the kids than me.. and who has been there since they were 6 months old attached to all those magical milestones and moments lost and now boom they won't be cared for her now all of a sudden...It is obviously how I've processed it all that's been the problem and I don't want to feel like this and just want to focus on forgetting and moving on now... We have 2 meetings with potential new CMS this week which is good!

@BePoliteRedUser my DS started at nursery at ten months and left last summer to start school. DD will leave to start school in 2027.

It has been a huge part of our lives: we went to look around it when I was still pregnant with ds, days away from giving birth, and it’s seen us through difficulties weaning, toddler trials and tribulations, a second pregnancy potty training (twice!) and from sweet babies to cheeky toddlers to independent preschoolers ready to take their next steps.

They have been wonderful throughout and if they were to close suddenly or less dramatically if we had to move house or anything like that, I’d feel that loss hugely.

Your feelings are totally understandable.

I use to be a child minder I rarely gave notice but the times I did were as follows-
1 child due to aggressive behaviour . I was clear about why.
1 baby because the poor thing would not settle and we had tried for quite a while.
2 under fives when I decided to just do before and after school care as I was doing a degree.

It’s hard to know and I’ve not rtwf but it’s likely to be circumstances changing, children being too hard work or a better offer that she intends to replace your kids with.

My twins old childminder once they had left for pre school stopped taking in children under 1 then it was children under 2 and then she went 3 days per week. I know there were some particularly challenging children in the setting after my twins had left and I think it completely ruined the career for her - she openly said parenting had changed and so behaviour of young children was becoming more difficult

(for the challenge about funding…..it’s More than adequate for childminders in many areas - my LA pays an hourly rate on a par with what my childminder charged so therefore age and supposed drop in “funding” was irrelevant)

I very much understand 'oh wait' 🤣.. not that it's anyone's fault but the system's ofc, I feel for parents of neurodiverse children and neurodiverse people as the system is an oversubscribed mess lol

Obviously I hope it's not my parenting that has made them too challenging for her🤷🏻‍♀️.. I didn't ask him to but my partner who was upset and confused also, asked her if there is any feedback for the next childminder setting, anything we can do better.. she said no not really... so we are still at a loss as to what to do differently..

Perhaps their behaviour is mainly down to my parenting and I should be more boundaried.. we stick to bedtimes, mealtimes and we do use the 'thinking step' approach as often as undesirable behaviours arise with the 2 year old.. i don't think the 1 year old really gets it at all.. it seems lost on him so we just tell him calmly 'we don't hit, throw or headbang'.. Mumsnet really is a minefield of so many conflicting parenting views on here it's crazy!

Thank you it's really nice to know someone understands this feeling ♥️

i think it’s just modern parenting in general is different not anything you have done or not done I’m sure - we don’t have the tools our older parents had in their arsenal!

I know one of my twins at that age was a handful - defiant big emotions obstinate and disruptive in the setting didn’t give a toss about thinking steps etc but it was monitissori led and not right for him but the childminder battled through. In hindsight he didn’t need a setting about giving children choices he needed one with very clear boundaries and a healthy dose of consequences if he stepped out of line

being their with a sibling close in age doesn’t help either - in a home from home environment they behave more like they do at home whereas most children naturally behave better at school nursery etc

OP I find your reaction very strange.

You have uber focused on the reason she has terminated her care with your children rather than the natural feelings of being disappointed and how you will now find childcare.

Countless pages of people telling you the reason doesn’t matter and you aren’t entitled to know and you have still kept on.

Of course you were told suddenly. Would she have really said something like ‘next week I am going to send you a text which may change your childcare arrangement?”. Of course not.

I also find the reaction of crying all
morning big plus the fixation of the reason not normal behaviour. Focus on finding care rather than spending too much time in a place you can’t change, will never understand and fixating on.

I'm strange then I guess 🤪.. I've been very focused on finding new childcare also and very disappointed believe me.

I think a lot of what's led up to this on reflection is related to them being siblings and so young and close in age. Out of curiosity how did your twin change as time passed by? I want to hope that in the next setting or just in the future generally things can change and be better for him and all of us x

being their with a sibling close in age doesn’t help either - in a home from home environment they behave more like they do at home whereas most children naturally behave better at school nursery etc

This is very much my opinion as well.

I have a gap of just over two and a half years so not as intense as yours but I know mine can and will bring out the worst in one another and encourage behaviour they don’t normally indulge in. My DD is normally quite reticent and timid around other children but with her brother is a different child, snatching his things and being an absolute menace. Ds can become hyper and manic and very silly and this whips her up into a frenzy as well and results in tears (from her, although I’ve been known to join in …)

It is getting better as they get older and I’m starting to see the benefits of them playing together and having a bond. But I wonder if a nursery or preschool setting might suit your older child especially? There are some lovely childminders but I do think it’s nice for them to have a break from one another and a nursery can get them in a good routine before school, assuming your two year old starts next September?

If the childminder, who knows them well, has said several times that their behaviour is normal then I would believe her.

Yep this is my bet and I’m a childminder. We care dearly for all the children but at the end of the day we need to make money and it’s a business, it makes no business sense to keep older children on, especially if our inbox is full of babies who want care. This government is pushing all older children to school nurseries so I don’t see the silly funding system changing any time soon.

Totally get that… sometimes things are lost in translation as the written word isn’t always easy to interpret 😊

This really resonated with me too.. the snatching is constant right now and for the very short periods they are separated in different rooms or if one is napping they are different children! I have been thinking today actually they are never apart and maybe deserve a break from each other... how old are your two now things have improved a bit and they bond more? The bit about you joining in sometimes lol 😂

My two year old will be 4 in September next year (2027) so does that mean he will go to school the following year? The way it has fallen I think they will be in the same school year! Which seems so strange because the 2.5 year old is talking in full sentences and the 19 month old just says small phrases 'that monster truck' only so they are worlds apart development wise at this stage.

Me being crowned by the Mums of Reddit as the intense hyper fixated twit that I am.. I have really been thinking today about a few things like what you've mentioned.. I've been wondering about whether 2 separate settings for them would be beneficial... whether a nursery setting for them would be better than a childminder for multiple reasons (reliability, structure, learning, more children etc).

My friend who has been a stay at home Mum has a 3 year old who has only just started at nursery and it seems almost like school, not like childminder settings at all really, the past few months I've been wondering what that setting would be like for these guys..would it set their learning and socialisation off on a better footing..

Assuming you’re not in Scotland, school years are based on 1 September - 31 August, so it’s possible to have two children (who aren’t twins) in the same school year. I went to school with girls in this position: one September born and one July, but haven’t actually come across it anywhere else! So if your eldest is going to be three in September and your youngest is turning two in July or August then yes.

You can defer entry for summer horns though which might be a good option to avoid this!

I can’t really fault our nursery but I’m sure a good childminder would have been great as well. I think my eldest would have struggled in a CM setting though. He was a tricky toddler and had a stage of biting which the nursery dealt with well but I think would have been harder to manage in a smaller setting. He had loads of friends at nursery by the end and he is still in contact with them now even though most of them are at different schools.

My boy twin settled hugely when I moved him to pre school age 3.5 He was very much the alpha male (how the childminder described him!) in a small setting with half a dozen “nice” quiet children whose parents live and breathe montissori! I noticed over time any lively boys left the childminder for the local forest school nursery so I do think the setting just wasn’t right for certain types of children. At school in a class of 25 the first few weeks were dicey with constant fights and then by half term had settled right down. He just had to learn his place and that he couldn’t get away with some behaviour amongst equally top dog boys!

I've had a similar situation happening where my childminder has decided to stop our contract, although my son's behaviour was the driving force (he is 26 months and has been hitting. He's got a new baby sibling and so the behaviour seems to be resulting from the change in home life and she is a very new childminder and was struggling to manage him). I don't begrudge her ending the contract at all and it's in line with her policy that she didn't need to provide a notice period, so luckily I don't NEED the childcare for work cover otherwise we'd have been in a bind!)
But I have just learnt that she is changing her days and schedule which my child wouldn't have fit in with very well, so that's another contributing factor. Makes me feel a bit better about the situation!

I want to feel like you and to have been bothered by it at all. I'm embarrassed that it has bothered me and hurt me so much, and I am wondering why I fixated on it so heavily. I don't begrudge her but I do feel a sense of vicarious rejection or something. Your son is 26 months and is hitting because he has a new baby sibling which seems like it's not out of the ordinary at all and more understandable.

My son was hitting again yesterday at childcare and hit out at me this morning and he's 30 months. I wonder why he is like this and I feel sad and worried for the future because of the potential impact of his behaviour on his life and his place in the new childcare setting he will be in soon. I have contacted a nursery locally to look around and if it's okay hopefully ask for them to attend in August when they are both 2 or maybe just one of them as it is for 2+. I have meetings with 2 new childminders in the interim to look at a placement before they attend nursery.

I tried to discuss making a plan for a different firmer parenting approach with my partner last night to more intensely address the hitting, high energy and defiance of my 2.5 yo. My 1 year old has always banged his head also l, usually when he is told no which is an issue.

My partner thinks I need to be more firm like when they are playing nicely and it's bedtime I will say to my partner let's play a little longer as they're being good. He is very much of the belief we should stick rigidly to bath times and bed times. He doesn't think it's helpful that I indulge my son with 'one more book' when he asks for this or 1 more minute of play. I am going to try being more firm and see whether he responds to this better and do longer timeouts for the hitting and lashing out etc.

I think it's awkward now as we will still be sending them both to current cm for 2 more weeks. Maybe when it is all finished I will feel less awkward about it all and less upset.

I think hitting can be normal up to around 3, so I wouldn't write your oldest off yet or worry too much! I know how horrible it is to see or hear about your child hurting others though. 😥

Also, one of the best things that works for me son is to be really clear on boundaries and explain what his actions will mean and follow through. Some of the best advice I've heard is to 'make your word as good as gold' so if you say something will happen it needs to happen (eg. 'We're going to bed' doesn't turn into we can play for longer - if you don't mind if they stay up longer because they're playing happily then just don't start bedtime until you are going to follow through no matter what.) Similarly with bad behaviour if you have decided a consequence then you need to follow through every time immediately or as soon as you can (I'm becoming more aware of how managing and caring for 2 children at once can mess up your best intentions!!

I'm sure you are doing a great job and the fact you care so much says a lot about how much effort and care you are putting into your children.

When something like this happens I find I need to process it through talking or journalling or Mumsnetting (!) so I can understand my own feelings about it a bit better. You are allowed to feel however you feel xxx