Childminder ending care suddenly for my sons, no clear reason given

[BePoliteRedUser]

Our childminder sent us the following message last night after caring for my son's since they were 6 months old.

'Hi Kate, I’m really sorry to have to send this message. Due to a change in my personal circumstances unfortunately I won’t be able to care for - and - anymore. Taking their notice period into account, their last day will be 18th April. I will send your final April invoice to reflect this date. - and E- have become part of the family, so I really will miss them. Xx'

She has about 20 years experience and has had babies and young children before. She has usually seemed very pleasant and kind.

My partner asked whether they will be closing down this morning and she said she won't be ending care for all of the children and that she w as a upset to end the message. He asked if it was about their behaviour or our parenting and she said it isn't. She is still being cryptic as bout the reason why though. My partner put it down to a health problem or something along those lines or a divorce as it was so sudden. I didn't believe it was that because of how she worded the message.

I suppose I just wanted to garner people's thoughts and ask advice really as I've been really upset about it and didn't realise how much it would upset me (been tearful all morning and feeling at a loss at to why).

Sometimes at childcare my sons have hit out at other children or been upset and my partner has let me know this. I have been worried she would end care with them and he has laughed and said don't be silly and let her know how I feel. She has said to him it's okay she has seen it all before and tell me not to worry. It sounds like I did have reason to worry now?

I feel upset that I don't know the secret reason why she is abruptly ending her care with them after saying things were fine before. I feel really hurt that she is doing this with no prior warning of the build up and not being descriptive about why now it's happening. I know she's entitled to be secretive if she wants I am aware people don't have to disclose these matters. I just felt like it would have been kind and respectful to after all this time. We paid her a retainer in over 200 quid a month for my second son whilst I was on maternity leave and she hasn't said anything to suggest she would be ending care soon. I feel very blindsided and am questioning my parenting and what the real reason for this is?

I wondered with the what I understand is very limited information in this post, whether anyone could shed light on why they think this is happening or offer any advice or thoughts.

If it was the other way round and you had to stop using childcare for personal reasons (whether that was a health issue, change of work hours, cheaper/more convenient childcare option) - what would you do differently?

I would feel horrendous about it and be much more descript and transparent about why that is very much for sure. She is being very coveted about everything. It seems obvious that the reasons she's giving aren't open and true. It makes me feel that I'm not respected or liked by her enough for that.

It really sounds like it's not a problem with your children specifically. If you wanted to check you could simply ask her.

She has given you a reason, it’s due to personal circumstances. She even added further reassurance that it’s got nothing to do with you and your DC. Maybe she just needs to reduce the number of children she looks after due to her personal circumstances and you were the unlucky one. Sorry, it’s really hard to lose good childcare but I think you need to stop (over)thinking it.

I wonder if she has opportunity to get “easier” workload with more money e.g instead of yours kids - she can take two children who are older and better behaved for this reason at least and their parents promised to pay more or to do better hours.

She’s given you notice, now you just have to look for other childcare and for reliability a nursery might be better. Doesn’t really matter why, it’s happened now so I’d be shifting the mindset to positive practical solutions, and given you say you earn 3/4 of the money why would it be up to you to give up work for childcare reasons? Surely your partner would have to if it came to it?

Maybe she's suddenly received a difficult medical diagnosis and needs to have treatment but doesn't want to share that.

Maybe you would, or maybe it would be a personal reason you weren't comfortable sharing.

I think if I would ask her if there's anything going on that would make it difficult in future for other child miners to mind your son's. She has every right to stop providing a service but it would be good to know if they'd anything you need to change it so on offer to not have this happen again
Asking her this night get you an answer

What hours does she currently look after your sons? Is it full time? If not, she may have another family to take their place that means she gets more hours overall

As others have said: focus on finding childcare for your kids.

Let go of the emotion here.

I think you also are concerned / feel guilt about the behaviour of your kids. CM has said that it is developmentally normal: do you agree? How do you feel they are when they are with you? It's a different issue, but something you need to think about -- do you need to access help / support with behaviour issues?

My childminder gave me notice of a similar time, but she was moving away so I guess I knew the reason so didn’t feel it was my child’s fault, but I still cried!

it did sting because we chose to pay her in full (she asked for 25%) for 2.5 months over Covid. My daughter then only returned for 4 months before she gave notice!

have you looked for another childminder? I was able to find multiple that had space and one I was very happy with who we then used for 2 years. CM don’t tend to hold waiting lists like nurseries do, or so I was told when I looked. Many wouldn’t discuss whether they’d have a space 6 months later when my daughter was tiny and I first looked (whereas nurseries were already full at that point!)

Wish her all the best as you never know circumstances change. Tell her she’s always welcome to come back to you if there’s a Position open.

To be honest from your reaction, it may be that she didn't want to give you any details that you would argue about.

How about your husband be a stay at home parent? You bring in most of the money anyway and you'd save a fortune in childcare costs.

Let it go, it was her reasons not personal. Childminders are very much like this in my experience and it was why we chose a nursery for my next two babies. With our first DD we wanted the personalised care of a childminder thinking they'd build a relationship with our PFB, and hadn't really thought through that it was just a business for the childminder. My DD ended up have 3 childminders before she was 3 years old. The first let us go with a vague reason and then I saw she had just wanted the place for the baby sibling of another mindee for full time hours not our part time ones, the next went back to work as soon as her child began school despite telling us she would never go back to her corporate career, and the third made us pay a half fee retainer every month through COVID then said she wasn't taking preschoolers any more. We gave up and found nursery to have the continuity of care I thought I could only get from a childminder.

I think op is the husband or perhaps they're both women.

Op, you needto let this go, you don't have any right to argue the reasoning, put more effort into finding new appropriate childcare and move on.

Gosh, I am sorry to hear about this @BePoliteRedUser I am sure it's not anything to do with your children though. I hope you can find someone else soon.

Could you maybe ask her for her recommendations about other childminders in the area. See how she reacts and engages with you and you might be able to get a feel for if she thinks your kids are absolute nightmares that she wouldn’t want to dump on anyone else or if she’d be delighted to help you find someone?

Im guessing with whatever she has going on in her life, shes now opting to do before/after school care.

It could be health, mental health or something like burnout. If your children are a bit more challenging than the average then it might make sense to let them go even if she does genuinely love them. We lost a childminder space and she gave (genuine) health reasons but then did continue looking after other children, but my DD was just 1 day a week so I guess she needed to lighten the load but kept some of the higher paying families or older children.

So she has given a reason but you don't believe it?

Knowing a different reason or one you find acceptable wouldn't alter anything though.

Would it make a difference if she said it was your boys?

''Everyone's roof over the head here depends on me and her being reliable. If I don't have childcare I can't attend work and I provide about 3/4 of the bread so when given 3 weeks notice to find a new childminder and waiting lists are massive it's stressful and hurtful (I know she'll be aware of this being a childminder herself).''

OP, with respect, that's not your childminder's problem, it's yours.
You also mentioned in an earlier post that your child has lashed out at other children, or been upset, while at the childminder's.
Yes, she brushed the behaviour off as being normal, but maybe your child(ren) are a little more disruptive than you've been led to believe.

Solidarity OP - our childminder recently gave notice out of the blue, DD was unsettled one day which she told us about at pick up, then the next day she gave notice on her. No previous issues, no previous red flags. She’d always described DD as great and super etc. DD had been with her the longest out of all her mindees so we were, and remain, baffled. It’s made me quite unwell with the anxiety and stress.

Babe, get a grip. She provides childcare for you, she's not a lifelong friend. She doesn't have to tell you, or anyone, her business. I think most people keep their private issues to themselves, I certainly wouldn't be telling my colleagues about what I'm going through. Would you really be telling your childminder that you're pulling the boys out because your husband had an affair and had a foot fetish you didn't know about? No, because there is such a thing as over sharing.

And if she is dropping your boys because two sibling toddlers close in age are difficult to manage every day, would you really want to know that too? I suspect you'd be offended by that reason as well.

As for your childcare predicament - it seems clear to me that if you can't find anything in the next 3 weeks then your husband will have to take either annual leave or emergency family leave, given that you're the one bringing home the bacon.

Take a deep breath. It's going to be alright.