Childminder ending care suddenly for my sons, no clear reason given

[BePoliteRedUser]

Our childminder sent us the following message last night after caring for my son's since they were 6 months old.

'Hi Kate, I’m really sorry to have to send this message. Due to a change in my personal circumstances unfortunately I won’t be able to care for - and - anymore. Taking their notice period into account, their last day will be 18th April. I will send your final April invoice to reflect this date. - and E- have become part of the family, so I really will miss them. Xx'

She has about 20 years experience and has had babies and young children before. She has usually seemed very pleasant and kind.

My partner asked whether they will be closing down this morning and she said she won't be ending care for all of the children and that she w as a upset to end the message. He asked if it was about their behaviour or our parenting and she said it isn't. She is still being cryptic as bout the reason why though. My partner put it down to a health problem or something along those lines or a divorce as it was so sudden. I didn't believe it was that because of how she worded the message.

I suppose I just wanted to garner people's thoughts and ask advice really as I've been really upset about it and didn't realise how much it would upset me (been tearful all morning and feeling at a loss at to why).

Sometimes at childcare my sons have hit out at other children or been upset and my partner has let me know this. I have been worried she would end care with them and he has laughed and said don't be silly and let her know how I feel. She has said to him it's okay she has seen it all before and tell me not to worry. It sounds like I did have reason to worry now?

I feel upset that I don't know the secret reason why she is abruptly ending her care with them after saying things were fine before. I feel really hurt that she is doing this with no prior warning of the build up and not being descriptive about why now it's happening. I know she's entitled to be secretive if she wants I am aware people don't have to disclose these matters. I just felt like it would have been kind and respectful to after all this time. We paid her a retainer in over 200 quid a month for my second son whilst I was on maternity leave and she hasn't said anything to suggest she would be ending care soon. I feel very blindsided and am questioning my parenting and what the real reason for this is?

I wondered with the what I understand is very limited information in this post, whether anyone could shed light on why they think this is happening or offer any advice or thoughts.

She might be late fifties at a guest so I doubt it. She lives with at least one of her sons who seems to be in his twenties and seems to be with a partner whom she's married now. My son knows their names as Ive asked him about them

But you have been informed that both children are hitting, and one with a toy?
However it sounds like the cm has minimised it, rather than coming up with strategies to deal with it at home, and in her setting.
Is she quite a timid person? Many cms I know are hesitant to bring things up with parents.
And every single one I know gives the vague notice that she has, because it’s very difficult for parents to accept it’s due to poor behaviour.

can you not think of any reason why you might not give more information in a similar situation?

If your sons are an issue CM had been honest (two things can be true - your son’s behaviour may be developmentally normal and still really exhausting to the point that she has snapped) would you have tried go renegotiate or persuade her?

it’s very odd to keep some children on and not others.

Could be age range - relatives childminder decided she wanted younger ones rather than the older pre schoolers kids for a bit - no idea why but relative had to up nursery days.

There wasn't bad blood as same childminder has stepped in odd days for inset and hoildays for the same child now older.

I would accept it tbh, I know other parents haven't. She has contact with my partner as he does all the pick ups and drops offs. She has mentioned it to him but perhaps minimised it. I have always been shocked and qorri d and said to him 'is she ending her car with them then' immediately as I've been worried. He has said no she says not to worry and he's made her aware I feel this way. Maybe she is timid. She's a woman with two adults kids and 20 years experience though so is she really that timid?

You need to unpick the reason why you’re taking this so hard.

She hasn’t said it’s because she doesn’t like your DC or you. She hasn’t expressed regret about not keeping them on. It could be something completely unrelated

We had a similar thing happen. We never got to the bottom of it, but our cm had daughters and had only looked after girls until she took on my 2 DS. After she’d given us notice, she took on more girls.

we found another lovely childminder who had a mixture of sins and daughters and looked after boys and girls but unfortunately she retired through ill health fairly soon after she started looking after our DS.

in the end we decided that the stress of finding new childcare and settling them in was too much so DH and I adjusted our working days and hours so we could do all school drop offs abc pick ups between us. It was far better and saved us a lot of money in the end.

Hope you get something sorted, but by using cm’s you’re always going to be in a precarious situation.

as I have already asked, can you not think of any reasons why you might not to want to give more information?

I know cms with a lot more years as a cm who are very timid!
It’s such a hard balance to achieve, you inevitably care about the children, but poor behaviour (especially siblings!) is really difficult to deal with, in addition she may have been reticent to bring it up with dad, I personally find dads brush things off, mums take things much more seriously.
Just be grateful that other cms are prepared to take them on, none of my friends are prepared to take on the child I’ve had to give notice to, and I know a LOT of cms!

They haven't met them yet so we shall see.. 🙏🏻

Sometimes when we are with others they will mention that my children are really well behaved so I've not realised how bad they are tbh. They are very hyperactive in the house with me and my partner running laps and shouting often. They're ahead with their milestones so I didn't really think they had major needs but they are constantly getting upset with each other, snatching toys and shouting or lashing out which is usually to do with fighting over things. They are so young that I didn't know they were so atypical I just put it down to them being young.

Don't be ridiculous. They are babies.

Maybe because I am doing something I'm ashamed of and don't want them to know about.. like booting them out to make space for a friend's kids maybe I wouldn't wanna say that. Or maybe because I think they're just horrible little shits and hate them secretly? Idk? ,🤷🏻‍♀️

This!!

Could it be she is reducing her days? Ofstead have change her license and now she can’t have as many children there at one time?

@BePoliteRedUser it seems more likely than not that this is behaviour. You've had concerns before this that she would end their care which hasn't come from nowhere and you talk about working on their behaviour before they go to school. That's odd, behaviour needs working on as it presents if it's causing problems.
I suspect other parents have complained about your child(ren) hitting and the CM is protecting her business.
Be prepared for issues wherever they go next.

Maybe, wouldn't that be okay for her to tell me? X

I work on the behaviour at home but at childcare as I said in the reply I can't see them. So I want to know how their behaviour looks whilst there. I don't see them with other children that often.

I wish she told me this aswell because I am open to know this

I don't understand the mentality of you know they're naughty but if you knew the childminder would've gave notice you'd have made an effort. Either it can't be helped and is normal child behavior or you shouldn't have needed to be threatened to guide your children to behave.

You said "She usually seemed pleasant and kind". She still is. This is down to her personal circumstances, which she cannot help. We all have things happen. You have to remember that at the end of the day, she cares for your children as a job. She has no actual responsibility for their care long term. As for the suddenness, personal circumstances can change suddenly, that's just life.

Instead of wondering what your sons might have done wrong, or what you've done, or why she is being "unfair", think about the fact that maybe she is ill, or one of her family, or god forbid her kids, or she's had some other sort of crisis.

You will find other childcare.

I am wondering why I'm taking it so hard and I've said this to my family and friends. I am taking it hard fsr?

Of course I make the effort? What kind of presumption is that? For the behaviour I see at home i work on with them. I want to know her view of the behaviour she sees in the setting and how it impacts on them being in such a setting, I want them to go on to learn on school and socialise appropriately. I offer rewards for good behaviour at home and address bad behaviour. For both boys I do this all day whilst they're in my care. She has minimised it though and now we've suddenly come to a halt. She has told my partner not to worry and she won't be ending care when I have addressed this in the past. She has said it is a developmental stage and she's seen it all before when things have happened and we've asked for advice on how to work collaboratively to address it.

Are you afraid it’s because she doesn’t like your DC?
years ago I had a childminder PUT A NOTE THROUGH MY DOOR saying she couldn’t take my DS anymore, implying that he had done something wrong to the other kids without actually explaining. Cowardly behaviour.

I moved him to another childminder who seemed to like him a lot, and I later found out that the two kids who remained with the other childminder moved to her too. Even though my DS was apparently a problem to those children, their mother was quite happy to shift them with my DS present.

so things aren’t always quite as they seem