Childminder ending care suddenly for my sons, no clear reason given

[BePoliteRedUser]

Our childminder sent us the following message last night after caring for my son's since they were 6 months old.

'Hi Kate, I’m really sorry to have to send this message. Due to a change in my personal circumstances unfortunately I won’t be able to care for - and - anymore. Taking their notice period into account, their last day will be 18th April. I will send your final April invoice to reflect this date. - and E- have become part of the family, so I really will miss them. Xx'

She has about 20 years experience and has had babies and young children before. She has usually seemed very pleasant and kind.

My partner asked whether they will be closing down this morning and she said she won't be ending care for all of the children and that she w as a upset to end the message. He asked if it was about their behaviour or our parenting and she said it isn't. She is still being cryptic as bout the reason why though. My partner put it down to a health problem or something along those lines or a divorce as it was so sudden. I didn't believe it was that because of how she worded the message.

I suppose I just wanted to garner people's thoughts and ask advice really as I've been really upset about it and didn't realise how much it would upset me (been tearful all morning and feeling at a loss at to why).

Sometimes at childcare my sons have hit out at other children or been upset and my partner has let me know this. I have been worried she would end care with them and he has laughed and said don't be silly and let her know how I feel. She has said to him it's okay she has seen it all before and tell me not to worry. It sounds like I did have reason to worry now?

I feel upset that I don't know the secret reason why she is abruptly ending her care with them after saying things were fine before. I feel really hurt that she is doing this with no prior warning of the build up and not being descriptive about why now it's happening. I know she's entitled to be secretive if she wants I am aware people don't have to disclose these matters. I just felt like it would have been kind and respectful to after all this time. We paid her a retainer in over 200 quid a month for my second son whilst I was on maternity leave and she hasn't said anything to suggest she would be ending care soon. I feel very blindsided and am questioning my parenting and what the real reason for this is?

I wondered with the what I understand is very limited information in this post, whether anyone could shed light on why they think this is happening or offer any advice or thoughts.

The OPs children are very, very young.

I was at a playgroup this morning and there was plenty of snatching toys, pushing and throwing. It really is part and parcel of under 3s.

I think any ‘poor’ behaviour is probably amplified by there being two of them. My own children are fairly well behaved alone but often not great together, tbh. Probably bounce off one another a bit.

I’d be upset as well @BePoliteRedUser - hopefully you can sort other childcare without too much of a hassle.

I send this almost exact message when Im dropping my cleaning contracts because I don't want to clean for them anymore.

(hugs)

Why are you upset? Your questions were answered
He asked if it was about their behaviour or our parenting and she said it isn't.

It is as she said, personal circumstances which per above have nothing to do with you or your children.

Give her the privacy she has a right to and leave the poor woman alone.

Yes I suppose that is a possibility in my mind. He is only 2.5 and very clever but he has a tendency to rub people up the wrong way and I wouldn't be completely shocked if this was the case. I love him with everything he is but it must be hard for people who aren't family. He told me he liked daddy and not me yesterday then smiled and laughed when I said 'awww', he jumps on his younger brother and laughs about it and snatched toys from him and decides he wants them just because he is playing in with them. He will drop things in my drink and sometimes throws his food on the floor calling it yacky then laughs at my reaction if I reveal that I am cross or upset by it. He has his great aspects too which are lovely but he can definitely be an issue.

Where did I say I haven't left her alone. That's why I'm here. I have barely said anything. What I have said exactly is 'im sorry to hear that, I hope everything is okay' then my partner asked whether she is okay and ending as a childminder. She said no she is not ending her care with the other children and dint reveal more. He has asked her nothing more since..I think those are reasonable things to ask tbh hardly intrusive.

I'm upset because the answers are vague and don't ring true but posting on her has helped shed a lot of light on why it might be.

What reasons do you have to not want to clean from them anymore xx

So there’s your problem. You’re frightened that she’s binning you and your children off because she doesn’t like them. Let her if that’s the case. You can find another carer who will be more resilient

This exactly. When they are separated you would think they were great.

This happened to me when my youngest was four but preschool, and the CM gave me very little notice that she had found a non CM job. I was upset but things worked out well with the replacement CM. I wouldn't take it personally, and a lot of children go through a stage of testing boundaries and hitting others and it's usually short lived. I would be furious regarding having paid a retainer though, and expect at least enough notice to find an alternative. Good luck x

Thank you I hope so xx

There is your answer.
One hyperactive child is hard work, two are a nightmare.
You need to instigate time out IMMEDIATELY once they hit etc, and be vigilant and constant with it.
If they won’t sit still in time out (my hyperactive child won’t) use a buggy or high chair.
If you don’t sort it out now, it will only get worse.
Consider having them tested for ADHD as soon as they are old enough, I’m convinced that’s the issue for the child I have finally given notice to.

I inferred that by saying how upset and tearful you were not knowing the “secret reason” why and how you think it would be “respectful” for her to disclose it to you after you’d paid a deposit while on maternity that you were angling for encouragement to badger her to get the secret reason from her.

I agree with your partner that it is most likely a health related issue for herself or a close relative that means she needs to cut down the number of children on her books. These do tend to be sudden.

It could also be a mix of your sons’ behaviour and a physical or other issue she doesn’t want to discuss. She might have to lift them too often to keep them out of danger, for example. I’d leave it and ask her for genuine feedback for an ideal setting only if you can take it!

Six pages of you insisting that you should be able to interrogate your ex supplier about her decision to terminate your arrangement, following on to argue about the behavioural issues of children that none of your readers have ever met…..

There is your answer, OP

No I am very avoidant of that sort of thing. I would hear it and take it with me. I don't like pursuing people who aren't enthusiastic in any case so I would just accept that both things are true (I have totally thought of them both being true) and would have swallowed the pill a lot easier with the information being clear for why.

Ofsted don’t change licenses.

I don't plan to interrogate her and I don't do that. I wanted her to reveal the info herself and just be honest and clear. I'm on here for a sounding board and advice and other people's suggestions as to why. I'm someone who can take that information of its given at the time not built up and I'm willing to work with that. I wish I'd have known the impact of it all along and that she was thinking of ending it months ago.

I might do I will see. I can take it if she was only willing to just let me know.

I'm an ADHD nurse so I am on this already. The older one will often refuse buggy and never wants to sit in a high chair. Every meal time is a mess around lol.

The answers don’t ring true because you think she is binning your children because she doesn’t like them. I don’t think that is the case because she would have binned them a lot sooner. This is a case of you not getting the answer you expected and therefore spiralling into what ifs and catastrophic thinking.

The stress of finding a new child minder is enough without adding on the extra stress of trying to be a lie detector. You know that studies have shown that we are rubbish at detecting lies? Something like 52% accuracy, only 2% better than you’d get by randomly guessing head or tails.

I was really upset last night and this morning but feel a bit better now I've digested it all. We haven't badgered we asked once.

Yes I know you have not yet badgered. That’s why my advice is to leave her alone. Note the future tense.

edit: overthinking and rejection sensitivity are symptoms of ADHD, you may be hyperactive yourself with undiagnosed ADHD.

Maybe I have just spiralled TBF. I think now it's been half a day or so I've come to terms with it a lot better. And yeah I've never been a good lie detector (probably worst than most humans 😭) so I won't add the unnecessary stress and try to forget about it.

You are quite naturally extremely upset as these are your beloved children, and it feels like a rejection of them.
Please be kind to yourself, hyperactive children are extremely hard work.
You will find another setting more suitable for them, possibly a younger cm with more stamina!
And it’s happened so recently you are in shock, believe you me, last week I cried and so did mum!
This week she has accepted it, and has found a place in a school setting.
And please ignore the people questioning your parenting, some people love to stick the knife in.