Consequences for 6 year old who ruins every trip out

[20Twenty6]

What sort of consequences do you impose for a child who repeatedly ruins trips out? 6 year old DS. Used to be a pleasure to take out but the last 6-12 months just spends the whole time whinging loudly about every tiny thing, generally being obstructive and whining to go home every 2 minutes. I get that he’s tired, I get that school is hard, I get he prefers toys and TV (which we strictly limit as he’d watch all day otherwise) but we really don’t ask too much. We drove today to a wetland centre, first time out since the 23rd. Great play area, loads of stuff on for kids, got him a hot chocolate from the cafe, but still he was so so negative. We’ve tried to be really understanding and kind previously but I’m just totally fed up of his entitlement to be honest and feel we need to get tougher.

I'd be inclined just to completely ignore this type of behavior and crack on with your day. Don't feed into it. Can he take a friend?

Just ignore his whinging and crack on with your day. Don’t allow him any tv 🤷‍♀️

Thanks. I have been good at ignoring but it’s really getting me down to be honest. I guess that’s a me problem though.

Hmmm, 6 is still very young, and it seems unusual behaviour for a NT kid at that age.

Have you tried story telling the day at the start of the day so he understands what the plan is and what to expect?

Find out why he feels so uncomfortable and unhappy and help him. Do things he enjoys, if the purpose is for him to have fun. It sounds like he finds it difficult going to overwhelming places and does better at home in a quieter, more predictable environment. If there are other siblings, take them separately so that all the children's needs are met. If he has to go to something that'll be difficult, walk it through with him first. Make sure he knows what it'll be like, places like this often have social stories or pictures for children to help prepare them. Explain what'll happen, how long you'll be, bring things that offer comfort and make it doable for him.

First day out since the 23rd.. but it’s only the 26th today and 24th and 25th were presumably pretty full on?? honestly I wonder if you are doing too many days out. When dis he break up from school? Has he had any days completely “off”?

I always wonder about the “ignore it” advice. Never seems to work on mine.

I suppose theoretically this should only work if they are doing it for attention.
i think a lot of children just express themselves this way, hence needing to correct the behaviour as well as not feed it?

Are you doing things he likes and says he wants to do and then doesn’t seem to enjoy? Or are you deciding what to do and go because he should like it but really it’s about you and not him? Maybe it’s just too much. Nothing wrong with a 6 year old preferring to play with toys at home over expensive organised days out.

I’ve got a 6 year old who was exhausted by the end of term, she wants to wear her pjs and read her new books and play with her new stuff.

If you stayed in, would he get board?

I'd maybe have a conversation about how outings take time, effort & money to make happen, and that his behaviour makes you feel like you don't want to do it as much. Then maybe stay home and have a few boring days, then see if he appreciates it more after a break.

It's also possible that he is just tired from a long term at school and straight into Christmas excitement, so he could genuinely need that time at home to recharge as well.

Is he year 1 age 6 or year 2 age 6?

My year 1 5 year old DD has been exhausted since going back to school in September. She's normally the most well behaved kid but the last few months she has been so tired and we've had more periods of her "misbehaving" and being whiny, particularly in stimulating circumstances (like days out).

We have tried to keep the last few days before christmas very low key, spending the days at home baking, because we knew yesterday would be manic. Today we've scheduled plenty of time for her to sit at home and play her toys in her pj's. Tomorrow we will do the same before heading out for some socialising (at grandparents) on Sunday. She seemed to cope much better yesterday with the overstimulatation so I think those few chill days really did help.

From a personal perspective as an adult I can't cope with too much social and active stimulation and after yesterday I too craved some time to just be at home. I love being outdoorsy and active but with the exception of a walk with the dog I dont expect to leave the house for that purpose for a couple of days because I feel I need to recharge.

I wonder if a few chill days might help all round?

Thanks everyone.

He has energy to burn. He was sprinting round the house by 8am this morning. I really don’t get the vibe of a child who is physically exhausted, but I know mental exhaustion can look different. I can’t stress how much physical energy he seems to have though, albeit while hating anything that seems like exercise or effort.

I wouldn’t mind staying in, but he is also absolutely incapable of playing independently and is permanently requesting someone to play with him (which is usually him instructing us what to do). We do this a lot but sometimes we need a break. Staying in the house is so intense for my husband and I.

He’s not really interested in anything. All the boys in his class play football on a Saturday but he won’t even humour it. Soft play is about the only thing we can do without a fight, But I can’t face doing that all the time.

I have wondered if it’s a transition thing to be honest. He used to have a lot of tantrums as a toddler/pre schooler at points of transition but once we were out, he was no bother.

What does he like to do outdoors? Maybe sometimes give him an option of what you do/where you go instead of trying to force him to enjoy something? Plenty of kids like doing things outside but they don't all like doing the same things outside.

He’s year 1.

The consequences would be to

• find out why he didn’t like the trip, and
• adjust for future trips

But I think you mean punish a small child for not liking a trip he didn’t choose, didn’t plan, and didn’t enjoy. All you will do is create an environment where he will feel a need to lie and perform gratitude so you will never learn what he really likes to do or not do. Unless he reaches his limit and lets it all out in one massive blowout.

Is he an only child? Because if it’s only him and he doesn’t like it then I wouldn’t force him.

It's definitely a you problem - sorry!
Moaning is very common. Punishing it would be extremely weird!
You need to ignore.

If your mood is affected, work on that. For example one parent goes for a coffee while the other supervises. Take turns.

If he’s still continuing to whinge all the time you are out then it doesn’t sound like a transition thing.

I have one who is incapable of playing independently, and duracell bunny energy levels. The solution, eventually, was clubs, lots and lots of clubs. Could you persuade him to do a trial football session? Drama? Art? Cubs?? Anything!

Im happy to be told it’s a me problem. Just I feel like on other threads if I said my 6 year old moans and kicks off every time we are out, but as soon as we are home expects 100% undivided attention people would be telling me I need to parent better!

He has a 3 year old brother as well.

Do more stuff at home.

We give him loads of time at home. I mean loads and loads, I know it’s what he likes and needs. I am however really surprised that expecting a 6 year old to go out for a couple of hours every few days makes me so unreasonable, especially when they are supposed to have 2-3h of exercise a day.

You can do active things that are also exercise at home with him.
It’s full on with small kids. You and your husband can take turns so you each get a break from him. My eldest is very intense (still is) but my youngest is laid back and very independent.

I'm with camp "ignore".

You're doing a grand job of providing quality activities, but he sees that he can get even more from you by criticising and acting bored with what you have provided.

Have confidence in your parenting: You are the judge, not him.

Next time he moans, deflect and carry on, tinkly laugh, platitude, whatever it takes to just briefly acknowldge and politely let him know you don't give a shit!

Good fences make good neighbours children, OP. You need to set boundaries. It’s actually kind to do so. Children can’t cope without boundaries.

Now, I appreciate that’s not always easy and every child is different with regard to where you need to put the ‘fences’, but one thing leapt out at me is that you and your DH are constantly playing with your DS at his demand. It’s good to play with him, but you need to have boundaries and show you’re in charge. Say that yes, you’d love to play X but you’ll be 15 mins as first you need to do Y. Then when you start playing, set his expectations. You’re not there as his servant, you are in charge, so set an end time, either formally or when you’ve had enough (by saying you’ll play for 10 mins more, until the end of the game, etc).

As for your DS ruining trips out, then I think you need to be firmer. Obviously if he’s got a genuine complaint, listen and adapt if reasonable, but basically say that you’re the adults, you set the schedule, and he’s not going to spoil everyone’s day out. If he carries on whinging, don’t tell him off directly, but try making a helpful comment, eg “Oh dear, DH, DS is fussing again. He must be tired and needs an early night” or “We’d better take DS’s iPad/TV away as it seems to be making him behave badly”. You’ll get scowls to start with, but he’ll gradually learn who’s in charge. As he becomes older/better behaved, you can offer him a choice of where to go, but let him choose between two options only, both chosen by you. Don’t let him add a third option. Be very matter of fact about it, “Well, if you won’t choose, we will”.

Do you feel it reflects badly on you if he moans or can't entertain himself?

Just wondered if that might be why it gets you down.

It doesn’t. It’s one of those can’t win scenarios on MN.