Consequences for 6 year old who ruins every trip out

[20Twenty6]

What sort of consequences do you impose for a child who repeatedly ruins trips out? 6 year old DS. Used to be a pleasure to take out but the last 6-12 months just spends the whole time whinging loudly about every tiny thing, generally being obstructive and whining to go home every 2 minutes. I get that he’s tired, I get that school is hard, I get he prefers toys and TV (which we strictly limit as he’d watch all day otherwise) but we really don’t ask too much. We drove today to a wetland centre, first time out since the 23rd. Great play area, loads of stuff on for kids, got him a hot chocolate from the cafe, but still he was so so negative. We’ve tried to be really understanding and kind previously but I’m just totally fed up of his entitlement to be honest and feel we need to get tougher.

Honestly …. I fully empathise with your situation! I also think there sounds like neurodivergence is there , I’m no clinician but a mum to a nearly 18 year old son with diagnosed ADHD with traits of autism and a 4.5 year old with diagnosed autism and what your describing sounds more non neurotypical behaviour than just being a whiney moany child .

some of the things you say he’s doing is not typical of a child with a sibling neither for his age .

Children with asd / adhd are wired totally differently and therefore you have to adjust ways of thinking with them ( not give in for an easier life ) but understand that sometimes these things that as a neurotypical person we think is great and a bit of fresh air and time out is actually very daunting and their brain can go into a fight or flight mode on it , we stay home a lot , do I like that ? No absolutely not , is it what we are now used to after years of parenting neurodivergent children that took some time to realise it’s not a “ lovely day out “ but is a long list of expectations ? Yes definitely ! our children are happy in their safe space with their routine and familiar people and items around them and therefore as much as we hate staying in so much we turn that on its head and set out a day of activities e.g baking , half hour tv time , onto the table set out with arts and crafts for half hour , then half hour downtime ( sure you get the drift ) shorter timed activities can be more productive , have you got sensory trays ? These are great for all children wether they’re ND or not , we have the set from
ikea ( file at I believe it is called ) and each tray we sen up the night before , we have a large amount of play dough and glitter shakers and props to set up play trays .
if there is a ND their with your child then unfortunately you can’t “ make them learn “ that they just need to do as you say as your the parent because as I said wired differently and with their own agenda but instead put the choices into his hands . I’ve recently been told by my sons teacher “ he’s got a very stubborn personality “ that’s called demand avoidance my lovely and you need to roll with that and include the child into making choices about their day not tell him because it will never get you anywhere other than a wound up emotional angry child who you are trying to make conform to “ normal life “ when that’s never going to work .

in regards to the constant 1:1 unfortunately I doubt that will ever change as a parent that can be massively exhausting as there’s no let up so it’s constant all day which makes the days feel so long .

sending mum hugs and I’m sure your doing great with him but start making a diary of triggers and behaviours and go from there with him .

highly recommend a jar with some ideas in that he can pick our the night before , good luck xx

If you have a music theatre group locally you can try that in a couple of years, if he shows any interest. Ours is packed with kids like your son! My daughter liked the mixture of structure and activity.

Hahaha, I went to a musical theatre group when I was younger and in hindsight, yep, I can see traits in all the friends I made there!

School is hard? He's 6!! Let him have some rest time just "being" at home, too many days out sounds to me!

I’m not fully sure what you mean by ‘consequences’? You have a child who currently dislikes any and all activities he is taken to and his behaviour is indicative of that. These days out are supposed to be enjoyable for him (and other child) though, right? So what you need to ask yourself is why isn’t he enjoying it? Put bluntly, it’s not normal for a kid to not enjoy pretty much any kid designed activity centres unless there’s more going on. Yes, any kid will have a bad day and be over stimulated or have a toy at home they didn’t want to leave or something but you said this has been constant for over a year. You can’t punish a child into enjoying something and I presume you do want him to actually enjoy it, not just hold in his behaviour whilst there and then let it all out at home?

You need to figure out what he is finding challenging and address that. Does he need be talked through the activity a few days in advance? Look at the pictures on the website and talk through what to expect, what videos of other people visiting on YouTube, give a little gift that relates to the activity that he can use there (a bag of animal feed that he knows will be given to the goats for example) so he’s excited to go and use it. Do all of this at least a couple of days in advance and refer to it each day, not just the morning of. Invite questions from him and provide the answers. On the day, only spend a short amount of time there, you can always promise to come back (and then he’ll be looking forward to it so should be successful next time). Don’t be tempted to stay longer if it’s going well, you want to leave him wanting more. Try to anticipate what may cause problems and have thought of solutions in advance. Does he dislike big crowds (can you go at a quieter time of the day)? Does he like not knowing what’s happening next (could you create a visual calendar for him of each step)? Does he need a job (could he have a mini worksheet to fill in of things to spot there)?

The specific strategies will depend on your specific child but in a nut shell, find out which parts he’s struggling with and try and help him with it.

I just wanted to say just this. If whinging and being vile gets your attention, of course that's what he'll do and the sale forever, even when he's21. Kids manipulate in their own ways, some whinging, some sulking and some actually making themselves cry. Beware,you are being had!

I feel your pain. my 5 year old has been acting this way at every family outing even short hikes in the field with our dog.
I am also at my wits end and have not found a resolution. We also has 2 other kids so it's not practical to stay home all the time.
I'm hoping it's a phase and will end soon. I have threatened to leave him behind so many times but just don't have the heart to actually do it. Perhaps he should miss a few outings to understand it's a privilege but then I feel guilty...
also it seems the advice on here is rather harsh. It's ok to feel tired and frustrated with your kids. They are exhausting when they act this way. Good luck and you're not alone with this!